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Deliberately being an arsehole or just not thinking?? or am I being unreasonable in the first place??

(39 Posts)
Peachyz Sat 20-Apr-13 16:36:34

I'll try and be brief. DP and I in the process of buying a house together, hopefully in the next 2 months. He knows my children well as they live with me and he spends a lot of time here at the moment. He has his children (aged 16 and 17) every Saturday night and I've met one of them once and the eldest twice (very briefly the second time, I was simply in the car when his dad picked him up so didn't even talk to him really). All well and good, great kids, meeting went well, they apparently like me but DP has never bothered to arrange another meeting. There has been a few great opportunities, one being that we are going to a show his kids would love - I suggested we take them and DP made excuses. Another one was a day trip we could do that would be perfect for his kids - again he put it off and put it off and it never got arranged. So yesterday I put it to him that I hardly know his kids and very soon the poor sods will be expected to stay with me every saturday night despite the fact that they don't even know me. I said I felt a little "shunned" by his behaviour and feel that he should want me to get to know his kids and I feel a bit rejected that every time I try and get to know them, he pulls them away from me. He said he understood what I was getting at. In the same conversation I said I felt a bit down that I was on my own all weekend every weekend. Especially when the weather is nice, he's off with his kids, my kids are with their dads, my friends are with their families and I feel really bloody lonely at the moment. It would be nice to be included now and again you know? not all the time, I know they need their "dad time" and that's cool - but every now and again, when the weather is nice, would it kill them to let me come along for the ride? Especially as we still need to get to know each other before the house move. DP again says he understood.

So today, blazing sunshine outside and my kids have gone with their dad as planned. I'm sat on my own in the house wondering what the hell to do as my friends are all busy. DP text me about an hour ago saying "are you all on your lonesome now? I'm just off to the river front with the kids ... "

So part of me is thinking hmm "yeah I'm on my lonesome, thanks for rubbing it in" but then another part of me is thinking "Oh hang on, he's obviously finding out if I'm on my own as he can pick me up on their way to the river, after yesterdays conversation and all ... " so feeling slightly more cheery I reply "yes, the kids have been picked up, I'm alone now :-) " and he replied ....... "ok, I'll see you tonight when I've taken the kids home x"

wtf?? why even ask if I'm on my own then?? is he just trying to be a twat and pull on my strings or what? It's like he deliberately goes out of his way to upset me sometimes.

Go on, you can all tell me I'm being unreasonable now but christ, all I want to do is get to know his children before we become a "blended family", for their sake more than mine!! is that really so unreasonable?

inmylife Mon 22-Apr-13 18:16:07

Is there a possibility that it is his kids who have decided that they don't want to meet you/spend time with you and he doesn't want to tell you. Perhaps he's hoping that when you live together it will be a fait accompli and they'll have to deal with it then.

Crinkle77 Mon 22-Apr-13 17:44:26

I think you need to be blunt with him and tell him what's bothering you. I would really hold off buying a house until it is sorted out. What's going to happen when you have bought the house? Will his kids be coming to stay then or visiting?

garlicyoni Mon 22-Apr-13 14:03:26

Dear lord, Peachyz, you are unassuming shock You don't tell him you're spending time en famille, you don't shift your arse and go down to the river to meet them, you reckon you might "have to" raise his outrageous rudeness with him and then it's about joining them for only an hour?

You're in this predicament because he's looking for an unquestioning wimp for a partner, one who won't expect to share his life but sit at home waiting while the sun blazes outside and the world goes round.

The signs are not good in any way. How did things go yesterday?

Dahlen Mon 22-Apr-13 10:24:42

Off on an aside a bit but why are your DC spending every weekend with their father? That's not very fair on you.

There isn't necessarily anything sinister going on with your DP - some people are just dreadful compartmentalisers I think - but you need to resolve this in case it is symptomatic of a bigger pattern of behaviour that's going to keep causing problems in your relationship.

In your shoes I'd tell him that you've decided to call off house hunting and that you want some space while you reconsider the relationship. The basis for that being that it is utter lunacy to become so legally and financially entwined with someone who leads a completely separate life to your own and clearly has no intention of changing it.

Kernowgal Mon 22-Apr-13 08:07:59

Why on earth would you buy together, making the most expensive purchase of your life, when you're not even renting together at the moment? Why take that risk when you don't sound that sure about his feelings about you? Is it a way of getting him to commit to you?

cjel Sun 21-Apr-13 19:44:06

Does sound odd

PamDooveOrangeJoof Sun 21-Apr-13 19:29:36

Walkacrossthesand - I reported that thread, just like I am going to report this one. Watch it go poof!

Hissy Sun 21-Apr-13 19:12:33

He's insecure, and threatened by the thought that you might get on with his kids, easier than he does.

Either that or he doesn't want to share his life with you on an equal footing.

All adds up to one and the same thing: put the brakes on this relationship. HARD!

Do not buy a house with him.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Sun 21-Apr-13 18:26:12

Imho, he is not being an asshole, he is not just not thinking, and you are not being unreasonable, either.

He has set this boundary in the relationship. He is allowed to do that. Why has he done this? Does it really matter why? No.

You have spoken to him about it, and he nods and is very agreeable and basically tells you what you want to hear in the moment (I call this lip service). But he maintains his boundary. This is an example of "actions speaking louder than words". I don't mean to sound preachy or condescending; sometimes it is hard to put words to a dynamic when you are in the middle of it, iyswim.

Controlling him, and changing him are not options. I feel you need to decide if this is a circumstance that you can make peace with, in yourself. If you feel it will be too much awkwardness, or hurtful, or disrespectful, then consider thinking about making your own boundaries, perhaps beginning with a healthy portion of (at least) emotional disconnection.

Also, I agree with Attila, and Helltotheno.

Helltotheno Sat 20-Apr-13 21:12:17

Sounds like he's going through the motions of the house thing and has no intention of actually doing it.. I just can't seem him going from no contact between you and his DC to regular contact, can you?

I guess fundamentally my advice to anyone who spends even a small part of their life sitting round waiting for someone else to make it happen is to get their own life. Your weekends should not be spent bemoaning the fact that he hasn't seen fit to include you in anything. From what you've posted, and I don't know anything about any previous posts, it feels like he's using you and has no intention of bringing you any closer into his life than he already is, including the house. Hope I'm wrong....

Walkacrossthesand Sat 20-Apr-13 18:29:05

Peachyz, you've avoided answering the question, but I too am sure you posted earlier this week under a different name - that time it was about DP (older man, first wife 'subservient', you're an independent sort) patronising you around estate agents, and his refusal to allow his DCs to know you was a side issue. By the end of that thread, there was a powerful consensus that this did not look good, and you seemed to be agreeing . Why are you not mentioning any of this now, in your new thread under a different name?

Ruralninja Sat 20-Apr-13 18:12:34

You are obviously going to be annoyed when he comes round. It isn't about today though, is it? You want to understand his overall approach to keeping you all apart and to let him know that it doesn't work for you.

If you get stuck on today and the river incident, you won't get to the bottom of it - tell him his current approach is backfiring from whatever it is meant to be achieving.

TBH I'd be surprised if it was directly about you, it sounds like he's acting out of a controlling/fearful place which is about him rather anything about you not being good enough.

Good luck!

Peachyz Sat 20-Apr-13 18:06:41

The most annoying bit about it is that I think we would get on great. Me and his eldest for instance love the same music, our favourite bands are the same!! we both love gigs and festivals and countryside and walks etc - we have loads of common interests.

His youngest is in to movies, games, geeky good guy/bad guy stuff, japanese art - guess what, so am I! And when we met we all got on so well, his youngest especially was adorable and I'd so like to get to know them more and I feel so upset that he doesn't want me to. Like I'm not good enough for them or whatever. If he thinks that, why doesn't he just piss off and find someone he does feel worthy of his family's compay

Ruralninja Sat 20-Apr-13 18:03:08

I don't know if someone else's experience is any help to you OP, but when my DH and I got together, he went to some trouble to get us all together, even though his kids were 26 and 23 at the time and living at opposite ends of the country. When we got married, we all went on holiday together, they brought their other halves and there was a good non-pressured environment for getting to know each other. Importantly, this was helpful for them and gave us all a chance to relate to each other as we wanted / found comfortable. Your DP's approach is quite controlling, because there are 3 people that he is trying to control how the relationship develops and what it consists of.

What is he worried about? The worst that can happen with kids that age is that you find you don't massively get on or have much in common and so choose to minimise the amount of time you spend together - but surely they are old enough and you are entitled to, reach that conclusion on your own.

There is an alternative too - you really get on and all get something rewarding out of the relationship.

Peachyz Sat 20-Apr-13 17:54:16

We're just looking at the moment. So it's easy to put a stop to it.

When he arrives tonight he'll start raving on about what a great weekend he's had. I'm going to say there and then that I thought he would have invited me out for an hour or so. It's not as if I'm trying to muscle in on their time together, I mean, he picked up the lads yesterday at 6pm so he's had all night with them alone, all morning today and most of the afternoon - would an hour this evening really have been so much to ask? I don't think so, not when he gets to be fully involved in my kids lives - ONE hour before he takes them home. If they hate me and don't want to spend any time with me fair enough, I'm totally prepared for that but he at least needs to have the balls to be honest with me instead of just avoiding the issue all the time and pretending everything is perfect.

CastroIsDead Sat 20-Apr-13 17:45:51

apologies then. was the not seeing his kids and you being lonely at weekends that sounded familiar.
seems there are a fair few non commital and emotionally immature men out there.
i don't think you should buy a house with him. how far into the process are you? i mean have you made offers or looked or just talking about it?

Peachyz Sat 20-Apr-13 17:36:35

No Castro that isn't me. He doesn't threaten to leave and we don't own a bike between us lol

CastroIsDead Sat 20-Apr-13 17:34:59

have you posted under another name? is this the one that was living with you but seeing his kids at his mums at weekends and threatens to leave when you argue?something about a bike possibly? sorry if im wrong this just reads very familiar

Peachyz Sat 20-Apr-13 17:21:51

Well he's coming around at 6pm apparantly, after he's taken the lads home. I'm starting to wonder if it's all worth it to be honest. When I see other 'new families' in the early days, photos on facebook, weekends together, no aggro or weird behaviour - sometimes I feel it would be easier to just go out and find one of those kinds of blokes you know? Fuck it would be easier to be on my own! At least I'd know where I was then.

Nanny0gg Sat 20-Apr-13 17:19:07

You are not reading too much into it at all. It is frankly, odd.

And I would be expecting some straight answers next time I saw him.

Peachyz Sat 20-Apr-13 17:11:58

I can't think what other motivations he would have for us buying a house together? he's a higher earner than me, he has the majority of the savings, he could buy a smaller but posher house if he didn't have to consider me and my kids ... it's not like I'm enabling him to buy the house of his dreams or anything, he's having to compromise a lot for my sake

Leverette Sat 20-Apr-13 17:11:50

Is this the man that wants his DCs to stay in an undecorated attic when they visit?

"why or why would you try and prevent someone from having a relationship with your kids if you were trying to create a blended family? it makes no sense!"

Indeed it does not so you need to ask him, be prepared for him to stonewall you as well. He is acting like this for a reason. You seem like a fallback to him really; you get seen after he has taken his almost adult children home.

His response will tell you all there is to know.

Whose idea was it to move in together?.

You don't seem to know him at all well really.

Peachyz Sat 20-Apr-13 17:09:45

See another thing I've just thought off too - My cousin (who is facebook friends with DP) posted a few photos this morning of her, her partner (been together less time than me and DP) and her kids and his kids all at the park together playing in the sun - how cute! DP "liked" the photos - does he not realise the irony or is he just going out his way to rub it in my face?

Liking photos of families in the process of "blending"
Texting me asking if I'm all on my lonesome hmm
Driving past my house to take the kids to the river front when it would have been a perfect opportunity for me to spend an hour or so with them?

Maybe I'm reading too much into it all but it honestly feels like he loves to see me wound up sometimes.

Lovingfreedom Sat 20-Apr-13 17:06:45

He's not trying to create a blended family is he? If he was you'd be at the river now and getting close to his kids. What are his motivations for wanting to buy a house together?

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