Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Do you think there is any correlation between extremely spoilt children and them becoming abusive partners?(22 Posts)
DH is basically an abusive wanker. Physically, emotionally, financially etc. He has this HUGE sense of entitlement to get whatever he wants, whenever he wants. If he wants to hit me, he'll hit me, no remorse because he's entitled to do whatever he feels like. If he wants to take my money that I'm saving for bills and spend it on booze, that's what he'll do, and god forbid me telling him that isn't another right of his.
I don't want to get into a LTB because I've already had separate threads on here discussing that (not that it warrants a discussion, it was simply me being too scared to leave).
I have just been learning more and more from MIL over the years and apparently DH was completely and utterly spoilt as a child, by everyone around him. In MIL's own words - he got whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted it. And I've started to wonder if he has been groomed for entitlement, so much so that he really feels like it is his right to treat another human being like a piece of turd, which is why he never feels bad about anything afterwards.
Do you think that extreme spoiling of children can turn them into abusers?
No, there is no correlation in my view between someone being spoiled and them thinking it is ok to beat their partner up.
Please dont look for excuses that "explain" the fact he is an evil cunt.
I'm not excusing anything, I think he should take responsibility for everything he does, but it does seem like certain thought patterns have developed from being given everything he could ever want, never being told 'no', and having everyone around him jump to his whims. That sense of entitlement he has is unreal. I'm just wondering if one of the reasons for it is because of being spoilt.
I have to disagree. Whilst I don't think there's a straight line cause and effect between poor parenting and bad behaviour, I do think it's true that a lot of bullying/violent traits stem from a deep-rooted selfishness. If that selfishness is never curbed but always indulged, then someone may easily end up with no concept of boundaries or self-restraint. However, it is far too big a leap to go from that kind of personality flaw to the criminal activities you describe.
Have you had the courage to leave now?
No cogito, unfortunately not... he has made threats against members of my family, and I have seen with my own eyes what he is capable of when he perceives someone to have 'wronged' him. I simply cannot risk the well being of someone I care for. People will tell me, 'that's what the police are for'. Tell me how many stories you hear in the news of people being murdered by these types. The police may be there after the fact, but you cannot bring people back from the dead and I'll be damned if I'm the cause of a loved one coming to harm.
I know you say you didnt want to get a LTB. But (having been in the type of relationship you describe), you can, honestly you can.
Are you his first partner? I would suspect not, and would also suspect that he will have hit previous partners/girlfriends, and he will have threatened them too. They control by making you fear. They are highly unlikely to kill people despite their threats, in the same way that they are not going to kill themselves either. Yes, there are rare cases that you read about in the media, but statistically he is unlikely to carry out his threats.
What is more likely is that YOU will end up dead. You owe it to yourself to get away. You can do it and there is more help available now than there ever was for women in this situation 20 years ago.
I hope you can find the strength to escape. I know how hard it is.
I think you should listen to those telling you to talk to the police. Being a spoilt child may or may not have directly contributed to him being able to carry on his violence and threats without hindrance, but if you've 'seen with your own eyes' him physically harm someone (including yourself) and not involved the authorities then sadly you're continuing the same mistake. I realise it takes courage to get out of a relationship with a violent man but there is safety in numbers. You on your own may not be able to bring him down but with your wider family and the law at your back you can.
No, I don't think there is a correlation. I think it probably cements a selfish person's sense of importance but I have known plenty of spoilt children who grew up to be lovely people and plenty who had a no nonsense childhood who grew up to be self entitled idiots.
Your husband is just a nasty piece of work, no benefit in trying to reason why. Hope you can act on the advice above and go. You are putting no one in danger - his threats are his responsibility and he should answer for them to the police.
You're describing someone who sees the rest of the world as existing to serve him and his desires. Isn't that a sociopath? And they're born, not made AFAIK.
Your MIL may well perceive his childhood as him being "utterly spoilt as a child, by everyone around him" - what if that was actually a child sociopath manipulating everyone around him to get what he wants? And now he's an adult, he finds brute force less effort/quicker than manipulation; so uses that instead?
My ex threatened me, my son and then my mother.
I still left.
On the OP's subject, it is possible that he was spoilt in part because of his sense of entitlement. And the parents didn't control it enough.
But I suspect his abusive tendencies were already there.
My ex was a very spoilt only child, he grew up to be a very spoilt only child with facial hair and a deeper voice! He was never abusive in any way, he was just a w****r.
You need to get out of the situation you are in ASAP, without giving a s**t wether it is nature or nurture!!
Do you have children, OP? How far do you live from your family? Are you close to them?
Your husband frightens me and I've never met him.
I know someone who was abusive to his DW, and always suspected it was because he was because he was a spoiled only child.
Then I met another man, who had behaved in the same way. (His DW had eventually left him.) He was one of 6 children brought up in a poor family, and had been in no way spoiled as a child.
So, no I don't think extreme spoiling of children turns them into abusers.
I do think you don't deserve to be treated this way, and hope you can find the strength to continue your life without him.
Read up on it. There seem to be 2 cause of abusive personalities. Either so over indulged that they never see that other people have feelings or rights, or so neglected that they decide to take it for themselves.
Basically, if empathy isn't developed they will not be able to respect another person. They won't even think that another person has any right to respect, as they will see other people as some kind of walking talking toy for their benefit. Which is why you can never change them, and shouldn't try.
That doesn't mean that a neglected or spoilt person will become abusive, it isn't cause and effect so much as contributory factors. Tis is a very crass response to a complex situation.
And bullies will back down the moment that a bigger authority is around, so call the police or walk out as they will say stuff but not do it if they think they will get caught.
Op you are the enabler. By staying YOU are the one who is telling him it is ok to treat people like that. He has no incentive to change and be a better person because you have accepted him as he is by staying with him whether you complain about him here or not.
One hit from anyone and I would be reporting them for assault because it is unacceptable!
Thousands and thousands of women have escaped abusive partners, this is not a place like Afghanistan where women accept domestic abuse as their lot!
You put the worry of a family member getting murdered as the reason for staying? You are just as likely to get murdered by staying as it happens every day in this country!
It is tragic you trying to scrabble around with possible explanations for his sociopathic behaviour. Why don't you put all your energies, intelligence and research into extricating yourself (and any children you may have) from this murderous emotional and physical grip he has over you?
I think you should stop trying to understand and simply leave
I don't care if you don't want to hear it or not, you must hear it
When you will act on it, is of course up to you
But remember this...he is not above the law, he does not have special powers and he is not an omnipresent character
What he is...an inadequate abuser, he is not Superman
Exactly what AF said. No point reading up on him; you will never understand him, nor should you want to.
Do whatever it takes to get away from him. WA are very good. The police can help. Don't give him superpowers.
dont waste another minute trying to suss out whether it was his upbringing or not , hes a bully, get the fuck out of there and you will find someone who deserves you .
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
I am reading and listening... it's only the past year I discovered MN and it has already given me a better perspective on my situation. I've stood up for myself a lot more and told him exactly what I think of him (told him he's nothing more than a textbook abusive bully and that I deserve better). Now I just need to find something else inside me to make me extricate myself from the situation. He just grinds me down so much that I barely have the energy to get out of bed in a morning at the moment... I do so worry that he'll carry out one of his threats though, not to me because if I leave and disappear the only people he could harm are my loved ones. I just don't know... even if the chances that he may do something are slim to none, that small chance still remains and that is what just sits so heavily on my shoulders.
Who cares whether he was spoiled as a child or whether he was beaten around the head with an iron bar? None of that is relevant. You cannot fix or cure him.
He is what he decides to be.
You are what you decide to be.
You have no strength left after he has been grinding you down for years. There is a chance he'll harm your loved ones. He has got you in a good place hasn't he? Wow! You only live once and this is your choosing of how to live your life!
You have choices, OP, you don't have to accept your dh's choice of life for you if you've really had enough. But you want more of this life don't you? He loves you really doesn't he? You can't really imagine a life without him can you? He's caring, loving and kind really isn't he? Because when you really have had enough of the life he's dictating you have and you are fed up being his victim you will find it is a very easy choice to make. The only obstacle is fear and fear is holding you back.
You are not safe with him so harness your fear, put it into good use and start with little steps: tell everyone the truth including your family, friends, the school (if you have dc) and the police, hide away some money, ring Women's Aid (they've all been there, you are far from alone!), set up secret surveillance cameras and get a panic button installed.
Think about the life you want and start making little steps towards it today.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.