Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Not sure how I should be feeling...

(46 Posts)
Mum2Fergus Sun 10-Mar-13 09:14:03

Not bothering to name change...

Sat on sofa with DS (3.5) while his Dad packs up his stuff to leave. Things not been right since DS arrived and over the past few months have gone steadily down hill.

Im far from perfect Im sure however during our time together he's been unfaithful once (that I know of, and during first month of us meeting)...he's accrued considerable debt (owes me £13k, CCs, loans and more recently payday loans)...and his drinking, as far as I am concerned, have reached dependancy levels.

We've talked about separating many times, most recently about 4 weeks ago just before moving to new house. But we've talked ourselves out of it with excuse of doing whats best for DS.

As far as I can gather he is renting somewhere relatively nearby. Right now, I just want him out the door, if only to avoid tripping over his pile of treasured belongings (crap!) at the front door.

Jesus, what do I do now?!

something2say Sun 10-Mar-13 09:22:28

Let the day pass my dear. Make tea. Put a load of washing on. Breathe xxx

GingerJulep Sun 10-Mar-13 09:23:11

Number one priority is DS (and any other kids). Breakups, even if not permanent, are tough for all. Would you and DS be better off going out for a little walk in the park rather than 'tapped' in the leaving situation?

You'll work out how you feel.

But shock, to start with, is perfectly normal.

Good luck.

something2say Sun 10-Mar-13 09:23:16

Keep a low profile until he has gone. Can you and ds go out for a bit?

arthriticfingers Sun 10-Mar-13 09:24:39

Wait until he has gone then have a cup of tea and bawl.
Then find someone to tell and have another bawl.
Slowly, things are going to get much better when he and his debts and drinking and infidelity have gone, but you don't have to rush things.

scaevola Sun 10-Mar-13 09:26:02

I'd Sunday - go to church, or other place of worship with a Sunday ceremony.

Go as an anthropological observer if you're uninterested in organised religion.

Mum2Fergus Sun 10-Mar-13 09:29:16

Thanks all...would love to head out but in the middle of a snow/hail blizzard at the moment. Would I be wrong in requesting keys before he goes? Its my house/mortgage but is he entitled to some access for DS?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 10-Mar-13 09:30:41

I'd suggest you make plans to spend time with friends and start working on the practical aspects of the break-up such as finances. You need the friends for moral support and to reassure you that you're far better off without this human millstone around your neck. You need to focus on practical matters as a channel for your energy.

First day of the rest of your - much better - life. Good luck

mummytime Sun 10-Mar-13 09:31:01

If you do go to Church today, you may well get a daffodil, there will also be lots of other non-regulars there. A nice dry spot to get away from him and maybe a cup of tea afterwards. Oh and it's fine to get tears watching Brownies giving out flowers.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 10-Mar-13 09:31:58

Get his keys off him. You don't want the prospect of him swanning in and out. He will be entitled to some access to your DS but it doesn't have to be in your property and you don't have to rush to arrange anything.

something2say Sun 10-Mar-13 09:32:09

No you can request keys that's fine. Try not to have contact in your house tho. Take a while to think about the fact that Daddy lives elsewhere now so baby goes to Daddy's house. Don't let him in yours or it'll be just like old times and he may try to get his feet under the table again.

Sounds like you can't wait to be truly rid??. Been there done that!

Mum2Fergus Sun 10-Mar-13 09:34:11

Thanks Cog...best rethink my mortgage free in 10 years plan eh?!

Finances Ive kept very separate. Mortgage is in my name and I earn a decent salary.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 10-Mar-13 09:42:40

Very smart move to keep the finances separate. Still aim for mortgage-free in 10 years. My prediction is that, without him holding you back, with the confidence & determination you gain from independence, you'll do it in 9. smile

Mum2Fergus Sun 10-Mar-13 10:06:08

Starting to feel sick, and trying desparately not to get teary hmm would it be uncalled for to start tossing his stuff out the door!

INeverSaidThat Sun 10-Mar-13 10:12:55

No advice but wanted to wish you the best.

You are going to have a horrible day I suppose, but it will get better. Much, much better.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 10-Mar-13 11:21:54

You haven't chucked his stuff out already?... Do you have a car? Could you take DS out for a trip somewhere?

Mum2Fergus Sun 10-Mar-13 11:28:35

Lol not yet Cog...he's fannying about. Having overheard conversation with his brother I get the idea his new accomodation is not as secured as he thought. Probably waiting for me to approach him re staying? Our roads are bad with snow so prefer not to drive. Trying to find DS snowsuit but place is a jumble having just moved in 2 weeks ago!

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 10-Mar-13 11:31:09

Give him another half an hour to stop fannying about and get his shit together - tell him straight - and then show him the door. If he's forgotten anything, tell him, he'll have to come back on a day more convenient to you... like when you're not filing your nails... hmm

Yes, of course he's hoping that if he dithers over it you'll cave and get him to stay. Don't fall for it.

Mum2Fergus Sun 10-Mar-13 11:58:34

He's gone.

scaevola Sun 10-Mar-13 12:44:47

How's it going?

Enough snow to build a snowman?

Saltpig Sun 10-Mar-13 12:45:38

I think you're really brave.

Well done.

UrsulaBuffay Sun 10-Mar-13 12:48:48

Just wanted to say happy Mother's Day to you x

gingeme Sun 10-Mar-13 12:55:25

Very brave.
May I make a suggestion ?
Please get some legal advice as far as contact is concerened ie exactly when he can see Ds and it will all be written down by a court of law. I did this with exp and if he wanted any extra access he had to get written permission from me smile. It really helps.
Good luck x

Mum2Fergus Sun 10-Mar-13 12:57:59

Thank you...and Happy Mothers Day to you all smile

Im not feeling very brave...its almost a bit of an anti-climax. Keys were left on kitchen table without need to ask.

Feel I should be doing something, but not sure what?!

Mum2Fergus Sun 10-Mar-13 13:00:35

Thanks Gingeme...

How does that work when I need agreement to be flexible too? Eg I work FT and perhaps 1-2 times per month need to travel with an early flight so would need ex to do nursery run...

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now