What should my next step be?

[notsurewhattodo23]

Hi
decided to post after reading all the useful advice given. here is my story.

I found out 2½ weeks ago that my partner of 6 years had cheated on me. i actually received a letter from the OW's husband letting me know.
I confronted him, he didn't deny it. he broke down and said he has been trying for months to tell me he didn't love me anymore and can't stand the thought of sex with me! Said I pushed him away too much in bed and he got to the point where he thought 'that' part of our relationship was over.
Now bear in mind we have a 2 year old, i get up at 5.30am every morning to travel 35 miles to work (10 hour day), do ALL of the housework, cooking and shopping and take care off all financial stuff. I am also the highest earner in the house and cram full time hours into 4 days so i can have one day a week at home with my son. I admit i did used to push him away but because i was knackered not because i didn't love him.
I didn't kick him out (now realised i should have) and said i was prepared to forgive him so we can work on the relationship. I booked an appointment at Relate for us and we start this next week.
we are still sharing the same bed but communication is functional at best.
He nows acts like nothing has changed. He says that the only thought he has is no longer living with his son, can't think about anything else. Cannot think about a relationship with me as he is terrified of losing his son.
I have told him that i would never stop him seeing his son. He seems to think we can still live in the same house and bring up our son together but not be in a relationship. I told him i wouldn't accept that.
He feels i am holding a gun to his head - making him rekindle his relationship with me or losing daily time with his son.
he has now started threatening to get custody of our son and asking me to move out. We are not married.
I now look at him and don't really want to re-kindle the relationship. I think it's too late but I don't know what to do. I want to move with my son back to my home town where i work.
I can afford to support us both. He can't afford to support himself never mind his son too.
He smokes weed every night and his temper scares me. He has never been physically abusive but he has been verbally abusive over the last few years.
I am not very good at confrontation. I try to talk to him sensibly about our options but he just gets nasty. I guess the conselling will help there.
We kind of agreed to let time pass before we decided anything but I don't know anymore.
Any advice please!

[littlemissangrypants]

Not very good at advice but I walked away from my weed smoking, cruel, violent ex. He did very little and only spent money on himself.
It sounds like you are already do most of the work. Just wondering who does the childcare while you work?
Being a single mum is hard work but well worth it. What made me leave in the end was the death of my mother. I asked myself if I wanted to be in that relationship until I die.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I would seek legal advice regarding all aspects of this situation asap.

Is there any way you can with support and help move back to your hometown with your son?.

Its totally unfair of him also to use his son in such a manner; he's using the child as a weapon against you. He after all has caused this to arise in the first place by being unfaithful to you!. Apart from anything else he's also not above being verbally abusive towards you and smokes weed. He is clearly not a decent role model for your child to look up to.

He however, still has a right to have a relationship with his Dad post separation. Any future contact he has with his Dad I would argue will have to be supervised and formally agreed.

Joint Relate counselling may prove to be totally unhelpful and not just because joint counselling is never recommended when there is abuse within the relationship. If you have counselling I would go on my own so you will be able to talk freely. Nasty men like your man often stay nasty and are not above using any means at their disposal to get back at the person who had the guts to leave them.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think he's got a bloody nerve trying to get the whip-hand in this and accuse you of holding a gun to his head! He's the one who's caused all of this mess and now suddenly it's your fault? Bizarre....

I think you need legal advice and fast. If you don't want to re-kindle then stop wasting your time, stop 'talking sensibly' and get yourself some big guns in the form of a good family lawyer to do the talking for you. Shared parenting is the ideal but you're describing an irrational, aggressive and drug-addled person here. Not exactly Dad of the Year material and I can't see any court actually awarding him custody.

Are you frightened of him? Do you feel safe, him being under the same roof?

[notsurewhattodo23]

thanks for the responses.
My son goes to his grandma (partners mum) one day a week and nursery the other three days.
He is a great dad, I can't fault him on that but is just so lazy.
We have a joint mortgage so would need to either take my name off or sell the house. I can see it getting nasty and bitter and it terrifies me.

[notsurewhattodo23]

no, I don't feel frightened living together. Frightened about what would happen if i tried to leave.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

That's important. If you are worried about him getting aggressive when you leave then you should probably talk to Womens Aid and ask for some tips on how to make the break whilst staying safe at the same time. I'm sure it will get nasty and bitter if/when you divorce but that's the price of freedom and, if you have a good solicitor and use them wisely, they can take most of the flak.

BTW... he is not a 'great dad'. There's more to being a dad than playing trains with junior when it suits ... they should treat the mother of their children with respect, contribute financially and they really don't have weed habits and aggressive tempers.

[arthriticfingers]

Start getting advice.
As so often said here:
legal - get to a lawyer - change them if they don't convince at the first (hopefully free) consultation
Freeze all bank accounts he has access to.
Photocopy or put away all documents.
phone women's aid and speak to them about leaving
Forget Relate - this man sounds like a very real threat to any future life you can build for your son.

[arthriticfingers]

Forgot to say really :( you are in this position.

[notsurewhattodo23]

thanks everyone for your messages. I have friends to talk to but no-one that has really been through anything like this.
We are actually going on a pre-booked family holiday next week ( i do still want to go, hoping being away from home will enable him to think clearly and talk more) and then have our first relate session on the day we return. I will see a solicitor after that and start making plans.

[Saltpig]

If you are the one who is frightened if you try and leave, then HE is the one who is holding the gun.

Get yourself a shit hot lawyer.

He is not a good Dad. He smokes weed and couldn't support your DS if he were the resident parent. That makes him an arse in my book.

[AnyFucker]

"he's a good dad"

no, he isn't

put simply, your next step is to work towards detaching yourself from this abusive man, physically, financially and emotionally

[BitOutOfPractice]

I think, that by the end of your OP you'd already decided what to do

Kick him out. Sell the house. Move home. Be happy

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's a kick in the teethisn't it?