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Really fucking angry with DH!!!!!!!!!!

(68 Posts)
NaughtyBetty Sun 03-Mar-13 20:17:26

DH is under a lot of stress at work at the moment and has taken it out on DD (7) twice this week.... First time he really told her off for putting a bit of the soap in a cup to make a perfume while in the bath, he said he had told her not to touch teh soap as a year ago she put it all over the bath... We had a row about how he'd spoken to her.

Now this evening DD and DS (4) where in bed reading for half an hour before lights out. They both needed the loo so came into teh bathroom where I was having a bath, after they'd been they had a little chat with me and were being really sweet, DH came up the stairs and went mad because they were making noise and he's told them to be quiet... He made DD cry... He then swore (saying get into fucking bed), I told him not to swear and to stop swearing, he called me a stupid woman, I then said again not to speak to me like that and he said "I'll speak to you however I want to speak to you".... I am fucking FURIOUS....

pinkpaws Sun 03-Mar-13 20:49:52

You can tell him he is a cu..t sorry i hate that word cant bring myself to type it but anyway just not right now it will have no impact . when he shouts you stay calm drop the tone of your voice dont raise it it has a much bigger impact . And if he really will not talk to you calmly exclude him from family life take the children out do fun happy things without him you would be very surprized how quickly they come round. Men are like children sometimes you just need to ignore the bad behaviour

I do think telling him to leave, at least temporarily, is a good idea. He needs a demonstration of the fact that you are not a servant, a pet or his inferior and that you have the power (and every right) to end the marriage and throw him out if he can't behave in a civilised fashion.

LittleEdie Sun 03-Mar-13 20:52:02

It must be awful having to explain his behaviour to the DCs when they were just being nice.

CognitiveOverload Sun 03-Mar-13 20:55:46

Does he have any redeeming features? I don't mean that sarcastically just asking if he needs help with work issues?

joblot Sun 03-Mar-13 20:58:09

I imagine your kids will have been shaken up by his behaviour. They won't forget it and will be damaged by it unless he completely accepts responsibility and apologizes in earnest to them

NaughtyBetty Sun 03-Mar-13 21:00:28

Apart from his short fuse and occasional moodiness he is a fantastic Dad, very hands on and playful with our DC, works hard and helps out around the house when he's not working.

DD is really upset, I've tried to explain to her, just went into her room, she is still awake...

CognitiveOverload Sun 03-Mar-13 21:03:27

You need to try to help him... sounds like he could be bottling things up and feeling a lot of pressure. He needs to know in no uncertain terms that this behaviour will not be tolerated again and he needs to address it.

AnyFucker Sun 03-Mar-13 21:04:54

No, he isn't a fantastic Dad

on a regular basis, he treats you like the Hired Help, confuses his kids, swears at them and makes them cry

that is not a "fantastic father"

QuickLookBusy Sun 03-Mar-13 21:04:55

Why is he so stressed?

NaughtyBetty Sun 03-Mar-13 21:11:09

QuickLookBusy - He's got his uni dissertation to hand in the week after next and is also working full time

QuickLookBusy Sun 03-Mar-13 21:26:30

Well I expect he is stressed then. But he needs to acknowledge his behaviour is unacceptable and that it won't happen again.

My DH behaved like this a couple of times, although he didn't swear at the dc, he shouted at them for no reason at all.
He was extremely stressed at work and I told him that while I sympathised it was totally unacceptable for a father to speak to his DDs like that. I asked him how he would feel if the DDs let a boyfriend speak to them as he had, because if he carried on they would think this was normal behaviour. He did get the message and apologised.
I also realised that DH's father spoke like this to him as a child, he is very short tempered so DH thought it was normalsad.

squishyotter Sun 03-Mar-13 21:28:27

Sounds like he is being very petulant and incredibly unreasonable. He's now alienated his kids by yelling at them, and annoyed you by being unnecessarily rude. Don't really understand what he intended to achieve save for demonstrating (to who? himself?) that he is in charge and what he says goes.

He is being selfish and seriously taking for granted the joy that he must surely feel most of the time through being a parent and a husband.

I think he needs to sleep in the spare room/couch tonight and open up, engage in understanding why he is getting like this and forge a method of dealing with it - whether through self awareness and learning to count to 10 and walk away when he is angry, or getting external guidance and support to enable him perhaps to better understand himself, and his triggers.

NaughtyBetty Sun 03-Mar-13 21:28:42

I am quite short tempered if they are annoying me and I have told them to stop i.e being noisy and running around the house while I am trying to read or bickering, then I will shout at them. DH always brings this up if I question his strictness/short fuse.

ErikNorseman Sun 03-Mar-13 21:29:46

How often do you treat your children like that? Shout and yell at them for no reason with no care to their emotional well being? I bet never. Because you are actually a good parent. He is not.

ErikNorseman Sun 03-Mar-13 21:30:10

Excuses.

AnyFucker Sun 03-Mar-13 21:31:31

Do you swear at your kids ?

NaughtyBetty Sun 03-Mar-13 21:35:08

No I don't swear at them, I have said oh ffs a few times in the past but never sworn at them

QuickLookBusy Sun 03-Mar-13 21:36:13

Everyone is short tempered sometimes.
But swearing at your dc is not ok. Neither is not apologising to them when you are in the wrong.

nickelbabe Sun 03-Mar-13 21:41:20

I remember your last thread about the soap.
iirc you were told you were unreasonable.
idon't think you were, now you?ve done this one.

I agree with the poster who said that if he doesn't lose his temper like that with his boss and workmates then he shouldn't be doing it to his family.
if he does then he needs therapy. if he doesn't then he's being abusive.

I agree that you should pack him a bag for tonight.

izzyizin Sun 03-Mar-13 21:47:51

To paraphrase your 'oh ffs', I wish I had £1 for every time a pisspoor excuse for a father is described as a 'fantastic dad'.

What does shouting at dc as matter of course achieve? It seems to me the routineness of being yelled at is likely to make them turn a deaf ear to any warning that is, of necessity, bellowed at megadecibels such as 'STOP' as they approach the edge of a cliff, riverbank, or other equally hazardous place.

something2say Sun 03-Mar-13 21:54:53

Don't let this pass you by, op. for your self respect, the needs of your children and the respect of your husband.

I'd leave him a note or send a text or email saying that the rel is at risk unless he apologises.

Prepare for a bit of Cold War until he says sorry to everyone. I'd think of something he must do as a punishment as well.

Don't give in love xx

cjel Sun 03-Mar-13 22:13:37

Stress at work/exams is never an excuse for abuse. You say you would love to ask him to leave as you know hes not right but already making excuses for him -hes a good dad- doesn't happen often - is under stress!!! Finances are not a good reason to leave your dcs in a family when they don't know when they are going to get abused.

Socrates91 Sun 03-Mar-13 22:23:46

OP he sounds exhausting to live with and a misogynistic jerk. I would definitely not let go his behaviour particularly his vile remark "stupid woman" unless you want to be treated as a second class citizen in your own home. Love is built on mutual respect and he doesn't seem to have much for you if he thinks it's all right to speak down to you this way. If he refuses to see the error of his ways then its time to leave for your sake and the children.

NaughtyBetty Mon 04-Mar-13 08:57:15

It's always the same thing we argue about, the way he speaks to the DC, DD in particular. It has been a recurrent thing, usually every 6 months of so we have a huge blow up about it. We can't afford to leave, we have nowhere to go, the rest of the time things are fine, these are the hard facts of the matter - not excuses.
He also would have literally nowhere to go. He took himself down to the sofa last night hmm and DS (2) woke in the night crying for him until he took him downstairs with him.
I think the solution would be counselling, we looked into it before but it was too expensive and DH is pretty anti therapy, even though he has no experience of it, he resents being told what to do.

AnyFucker Mon 04-Mar-13 09:04:56

He picks on one of your children ?

Treats your DD worse than the other(s)?

Have you any idea what damaging lessons that is teaching her?

I am sorry to inform you of this, but as your dd grows up, she will slowly come to realise that you have not protected her from him, and that you value your relationship with this tool over her emotional well being

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