MassiveCams...found out DP is on it, other issues...

[TrippleBerryFairy]

Last night DP texted to say he was going out with new work colleagues (3 days into new job, eh?...) I said fine as I was salsa dancing with my female friend on wednesday.

There is a bit of history here. In the past whenever he's out 'with colleagues' he usually stops responding to my texts around 11pm (and I normally text once or twice as it starts getting late to say be careful getting home etc. so not jealous texts or controlling texts). He then instead having 'a quick drink' tends to rock up at home at silly hours (e.g. 4am when he needs to get up at 6.30 to go to work). There have been incidents where he has taken a day off the following day because he was too tired/hangover to go.

Last night was the same, after 11pm he wasn't responding, came back around 3.30am. I took the IPad in the morning to check the history as I know he watches porn and I am sort of ok about it as I always thought it to be of non interactive nature, I thought he watches clips that's all. I was wrong. He was still logged onto MassiveCams, that's I gather a bit like AdultWork, you can pay for stuff etc. There were some purchases made in his account.

Quick relationship issues summary - we don't have sex as he is not interested, he was sexually abused as a teen and claims to have gotten into high porn usage because of that. It's safer etc, bla bla.

Todays discovery tells me however he is into interactive porn. That's a whole different game I feel. While I am ok with him watching clips and videos I feel cheated on now I know he was using an interactive site and for god knows how long.

So I clung onto IPod and said it was staying with me because of what I found and I wanted to see what's more in the history. He then insisted he needed it for work, he supposedly had to deliver something today and thus absolutely needed the IPos. Our son was there so in the end I gave it to him.

I have taken annual leave from work as I feel absolutely sick about it. I told him that it was either him leaving IPad with me or relationship was over. He took the IPod. Where do I go from here?...

I need to leave him, it's been on my mind for the last 3.5 years (since DS was born). I need to do it. I have threatened so many times before. I did it this morning, I said in the heat of a row 'lets split up' and he just replied angrily 'lets do it, you have always hated me anyways'. I WANT to do it.

We own a house together. We have 1 DS. I am part of his limited company. I have resigned today and plan to inform the accountant on monday. I am a bit startled and not sure where to start. But I know I need to do it, in fact I regret i didn't do it when DS was a baby. Could you please hold my hand? Or slap me and tell me Im overreacting?..--

[TranceDaemon]

You are really NOT overreacting at all. What a low life!

How could you ever trust him again? Take this as he has blown it and trust your instincts.

[ImperialBlether]

You have absolutely done the right thing. He isn't the man for you. Whether or not he was abused, the way he behaves now isn't the way you want a partner to behave. He doesn't sound like he has any control over himself with regard to drink and pornography.

Your life will be lovely without him. It will be so much more relaxed. I think it's only when you're apart that you realise how stressed you were with him.

Did you make the right decision re. leaving his company? How does that work when he has started a new job? Who started the company and how much work do you put in, usually?

[Losingexcessweight]

You have done the right thing. I wish you the best of luck

[TrippleBerryFairy]

He has totally crushed my trust, thats correct. I look back at the time when DS was born and i was in a hospital for one week- he was off that week too but would rock up to visit in the afternoon, 3-ish, 4-ish... My informed guess is he was spending his mornings glued to porn, so porn was more interactive fascinating and rewarding than me and his newborn... Or all those weekends that followed where he basically disengaged from us, spent days on sofa while i was entertaining DS...and cleaning the house...and getting angry, frustrated... I bet he was watchin porn whenever we were out. Or his constant claim he was so busy and had so much work to do that he was spending days in the office on pc... Watching porn 80% of the time, i bet.

I feel horrobly hurt and dead towards him at the same time.

Imperialbleather i didnt put anything into limited company, it exists because DP is self employed and has deluded plans to one day be a multimillion company (good luck with his discipline...). I was sort of dragged into it, he even insisted at one time that i do all his bookkeeping etc. While of course keeping my ft job, looking after DS when not at work and keeping the house clean etc. He genuinely used to get so upset that i dont do more (i guess then he would have had even more time for porn?). Getting out of this LTD is a relief, it's his baby and i never wanted to be a part of it. I did earn some money through it doing some independent consultancy but that's about it...

He came home all full of remorse and regret. Suddenly having realised he has a serious addiction. He will tackle it, could i please not involve solicitors just yet, could i please give him few weeks to prove he means it(few weeks?...and whats after that, back to business as usual?...). Said i cant just go, have to think about DS-at this point i stared at him and said 'was you thinking about him too, eh?..' that shut him up... Im out now in a carpark at supermarket and dreading going home. We need to sort out who is moving out. What an awful day. And tomorrow it's going to be another awful day, with DS seeing us not talking...

[fooledagaincantbelieveit]

This sounds exactly like what happened with me and my Ex H. Sadly he was sucked into the world of on-line porn and he descended into far far worse than interactive porn. Let's just say my world was wrecked out of the blue by a visit from the police with warrants to take away the computers...

And I too was fed the yarn about 'too much work' and suffered the late night disappearances when 'out with work colleagues'. I left immediately when my eyes were opened as to what was going on. Believe me, they DON'T change and you need to get out NOW before his addiction gets worse.

This was a year ago and although, at the time, I thought my life was over, it really wasn't. With a lot of love and support from RL friends and family I have started again, on my own with our 2 DC (aged 9 & 2). yes it is hard, BUT I am now free from the worry and suspicion that was always hanging over me re: his overuse of the computer and drinking.

Oh, and I keep my computer in the dining room! I am teaching my children that they aren't allowed to sneak off by themselves to do god knows what... As their father did.

Good luck xxx

[TrippleBerryFairy]

fooledagain, that's horrible, how on earth they can descend to that?... I am guessing police got involved because the content he was watching involved minors, that's appalling...

I just got back and looked at IPad- of course all history has been cleared so can only guess what else was on it?... His purchase history was for some reason all $0.00 or so but when I said 'are you spending money on this shit?' he admitted having spent £5... which is a lie of course. Fact is he was spending money on that and god only knows what other sites...

Re late night dissapearances, he doesn't go out that often but I know for a fact he used to go to strip clubs at the begining of our relationship. I was initially sort of ok with that, then kicked up a fuss so he claims to have stopped going there. Which i think is rubbish, I am pretty sure he was in one last night. Actually, I can't even be sure about that - he might have gone to a prostitute for all I know. See I can't be sure about this anymore. When I believed he was into 'static' porn such as videos, going to prostitute seemed like a big leap, out of his character. I am not so sure anymore. That's the thing, I canot trust him anymore.

He said he will go to counselling for porn addiction/sexual abuse issues. I feel that we need to separate and whatever he decides to do with his issues is not my problem anymore. So I will suggest that one of us, preferrable him, has to move out. I don't want him around, I need space to work out what to do next.

We were supposed to go to his parents for Mother's day dinner on sunday. I will just have to grin and pretend we are ok...

[pictish]

Good for you! You are right...you need to separate, and his issues are not your problem.
Whatever it is he think he's going to do about it, he needs to do it on his own.