Apologies in advance as this is going to be a self indulgent rant. This morning I tried to open a discussion with H about the obvious problems in our relationship, (which are numerous but) mainly that he has no respect for me because I am not working at the moment. My field is architecture and there are not many jobs about, but I freely admit that I've not been looking too hard and been a bit fatalistic about my chances. But he feels that this makes it OK to put me down on every occasion, calling me names, speaking to me in a very nasty way, and more but I won't go into it here, all very EA.
Anyway after a rocky discussion this morning, which didn't result in anything constructive from my point of view, he said that as I'm not working I am, essentially, working for him and gave me a list of things to do/fix around the house. He said that I needed to fix the outside light which hasn't been working so I thought I'd change the bulb went to look for one with a bayonet fitting in the cupboard, he asked what I was doing and said looking for a bulb with a bayonet fitting, he said 'here's a pack' and they were ones with screw fittings so I purely out of meanness but I wanted to do a parody of how he talks to me-- so I said 'oh are you stupid or something? I said I needed bayonet not screw-in' in a nasty voice... OK I should not have done that but his reaction was to pick up a big wrench and tap it on my head, and said 'do you want this in the back of your head?' ... there was no force behind it but as anyone can plainly see (can you??) the intention was there. I (as I had done earlier in the morning) burst into tears and said 'that is violence, were you intending to hit me with that?' and he said no but you'd better start behaving yourself... or words to that effect... Then. I went upstairs and got another bayonet bulb, replaced it, the light's working... no mention, everything swept under the carpet.
OK so I have a pretty lazy lifestyle now with plenty of time for MN I've always done every bit of the housework, cooking, childcare, even when I worked full time he never so much as lifted a finger around the house, as you could probably guess I did make a rod for my own back. But he has truly misogynistic tendencies and does not consider housework to be work, he thinks that I should feel privileged that he has provided me with a nice big house to clean (OK FFS I know this is bllocks) he has no respect for women who don't work even if they keep house etc-- he refers to them as 'never having done a days work in their lives' which I find infuriating as we don't know other people's circumstances. As I did work full time for years, when there was a lot of work around, I feel as though I've contributed, and now some time off balances the years I worked full time... possibly skewed logic but it is a feast-or-famine profession and we are not hurting for money (yet). And now my DD is in her last year of school, she has a fantastic uni offer for next year, apologies for the brag but I am d&n proud of her and also feel that I am, somewhat, vindicated in my SAHM role for the last few years, and really enjoyed spending this last bit of time with her. Having said that she still needs to get the grades in her June exams take up her place so cannot slack off one bit.
I posted about him before and was clearly told by the wisdom of MN to LTB why have I not done it yet?? well, the fact that when he's not around life is great. And fear of the unknown but greater than that is the fear of rocking the boat and ruining DD's life chances by my selfishness.
Anyway, after all that, my instinct is telling me that the wrench incident is 'enough' to instigate an immediate put-house-on-market-and-move-with-DD but... not sure. Maybe I should ask him to move out? don't think he'd readily agree to that!! With so much riding on the next four months for DD I'm thinking that my best bet may be to just continue to minimize... and just try to do what he says even if I'm doing it in a passive-aggressive way... it is such a shame because we could have so many good things going for us right now but I feel completely, totally sad about the situation.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
4 more months of this?
thatsnotmynamereally · 01/03/2013 12:14
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