Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
I have been married for 18 years, I would say the world thinks my husband is a lovely caring man who will do anything for anyone including myself and our children.
5 years ago I thought something was odd after I heard from my son that his dad had a new mobile phone which he only brought out while I was at work and when I asked my hubby about it he denied it until I caught him pulling out from his sock one day. He assured me it was harmless and with doubt and no proof I plodded on.
A month later I found out after he had a motor bike holiday "alone" he had actual been away with a lady and another couple , as friends. Again I had no proof, we did split up for short periods but I couldn't get my head round his denials and him bring this nice bloke made things more difficult to make the break properly though my heart lived in Limbo.
A friend told me that on one of our separations my husband approached her on Match.com , I felt I couldn't say anything as we had broken up then. After then I regularly checked the history of our PC and match.com came up a few times until 2 years ago I found proof he had joined claiming he was single at the same time I found old blogs he had written on a forum discussing the motor bike holiday he went on with "friends" describing the person he went with 5 years ago as his girlfriend.
Here I was faced with 2 things, hubby had joined a dating site and I had also stumbled on old posts he had written a few years before describing his girlfriend to the world when he was married and sleeping with me,,,,,, at the same time as I stumbled over these two different betrayals of trust I was waiting to have a Byopsy on a tumour. I wrote my hubby a letter after I got the all clear telling him what I knew and he came up with all sorts of excuses, it was an old account, the forum blogs were jokes, I didn't know what to believe.
Last year match.com came up in an old joint email , he joined again but no activity to go by, that was Aug 12.
Today I am mixed up, I tend not to stew over what happened but I just can't trust him and u find I can't move on properly with my life and because its all in the past I feel I have no right to be so selfish feeling betrayed and not trusting my hubby,, he lies about money too and after u pay off his overdraft if £1,500 he builds it up in no time at all and if u mention it I look like the nagging wife..... Are there other women in the same boat , how did you cope and what did you do??
Am I just holding on to the past betrayals or am I right not to trust him after so many betrayal ?
Yes what has been said is getting through to me and I am feeling relived to know my feelings and thoughts are thought by others to be reasonable , guess I think of things and just need reassurance by giving the facts and getting an honest opinion . I looked up the gas lighting and I can see my H is a candidate for that. U guess I have lived and believed my husband because he has two sides to him, if I hadn't come across things on the PC u would never have realised or even dreamt he had two sides to him and I guess u am just trying to work my way through this which was the reason to post in the first place, to break my self out if this pattern if thought I have stuck my self in, that I felt I was being irrational still holding on to things, hard to explain when you are on the outside .
I didn't say you shouldn't post ,you absolutely should and thank goodness you did
Those thought patterns you are stuck in though are doing you no good at all
You appear to be working on the premise that your H is an inherently good man. I don't agree.
match.com he joined but I couldn't find proof he met anyone
Why do you need proof he met anyone? Why do you even need any sort of suggestion that he met anyone? Surely the fact that he was looking for someone is enough?
Basically, he is trying to make you feel bad because you don't trust him. However, it is the only rational response not to trust him. You don't trust him because he has repeatedly demonstrated that he is untrustworthy. The fact that you even have to ask about this, despite his catalogue of deceit, proves how much he has manipulated and messed you about.
Can I ask OP how did you feel when you found out about the affair, and when you found out he'd joined a dating site?
And how do you feel about it now?
It's obvious your H has been lying to you extensively for most of your married life, including the lies of omission about his spending.
How do you feel about the way he has behaved? Do you feel sad? Angry? Taken advantage of?
Oh dear you sound really worn down. Its hard to face when its over but I'd think even if he logged on to dating site, let alone joined he doesn't want to be with you and really isn't very nice. He has everything he wants and more doesn't he? what are you getting from all this?
How do I feel Diagonally, I felt numb and totally mixed up when I found he had gone on match.com , underneath I was fuming but outwardly nothing would come out of my mouth or my body , I pretended nothing had happened and kept it all in and over time I just hinted that he wasn't happy in the relationship, which he denied and then I jokingly told him I knew he was shopping around fir other women which again he strongly denied. When I put it to him he had filled in a profile he said it was an old profile, but I knew it wasn't I checked the date he joined after working out his passwords.
When I found out he had taken someone away with him on his annual motorbike break, I felt numb,sick, totally upside down , I didn't tell him I knew for a couple of days and I was calm when I told him I knew but he gave me excuses, the stupid thing is my mind is always in two , I could see plainly an affair was taking place but listening to his excuses, false as they were, the other side of my head just fell for his patter,
Two years ago 2011, I saw old posts written in 2008,written confirmation , by my H, on a forum , there he discussed going away for a weekend with someone and that if they got on well he would be taking them away to a big motorbike event in the Isle of Man.I guess these statements did eat away at me and I felt totally stupid for having believed his excuses. At the time I found these old posts my health wasn't the best and at the same time I found out he was also on match.com , a double whammy,. I was scared poo less about my health and I didn't tell my H about what I had found for a year but by then I felt it was too late to do anything about it all.
Like I said its 5 years since he went away with this women and their friends , 2 years since I read the posts confirming he openly had an affair. And last Aug was the last time he was on match.com!........ And yes it now eats away at me, chip by chip but the I can put it behind me and think it doesn't matter any more. The daftest thing is I feel because I have put up with it, joked and put on a brave face, accepted his lies, I feel it's me with the issues and that I no longer have any rights to be mad with him..... This is the battle in my head and why I am here because I know there are others who have gone and going through the same thing.
One more thing, some times when we are chatting and getting along nicely and something pops up in conversations, I may say to my H, it's because I don't trust you, I know you will be looking for my replacement, he will say, " why do you say that, what am I doing now, I am doing nothing wrong" and he goes into a huff! Xx
These ways in which he makes you feel?
Should a loving partner make you feel like that?
Forget all the excuses, stories, conversations, the ifs, the buts. This man is using and manipulating you. You won't get the trust back. He will continue to lie to you and pull the wool over your eyes because he thinks you are naive. You won't change that because he will always know he can talk you around in one way or another. He knows fine well just has to give you excuses/chats/guilt trips every few months to keep you in order till your next bout of insecurity.
Sorry if this is harsh. Sometimes the happiness/trust is not there to be found, no matter how many excuses you make for a person and pretend in between times that all is ok. The longer you go on with this man, the harder the lesson you will learn and more hurt he will cause.
Set him free and give yourself the chance to meet someone who won't do these things behind your back and pretend to you that it is you who is mad/silly/paranoid.
It doesn't help that we get on really well, he can't do enough for me and treats me like I am the only female on the planet, he can turn his hand to anything. If a motorist has broken down, he stops and helps them!!
When I see him like this, I wonder how can someone be so over the top nice to me, telling me he misses me all the time he is at work and thanks me each time I cook a meal or do his ironing or tidy the house, yet I know there is another side to him....... I am the bunny stuck in the headlight!,
OP you seem to be constantly questioning whether you are right to feel the way you feel. But of course you are right, your feelings are completely valid and you shouldn't feel guilty. You either trust your husband or you don't, it's not a matter of choice. And you don't trust him because he has shown himself to be untrustworthy.
It doesn't matter that these things happened years ago. It is only now that you are starting to find that you can't forgive and forget. If he truly loved you and valued your relationship he would be grovelling on his knees, trying to make things right. Instead he is belittling your feelings and abusing you financially.
I have no advice as such, just an observation that your marriage is not making you happy, and this is not likely to change. Surely you are worth more than this?
My love, you could be 30 years down the line and only just discover he had joined a dating site years previously - you would still be in your perfect rights to get rid. Just because time has passed doesn't erase what he had done/is doing. He hasn't apologised and he hasn't accepted anything.
We all have different expectations of love, but this is not love. Even if he does have valid reasons for everything, the fact is you are unhappy - that is good enough reason to get yourself out of this and get happy again. We only have one life.
That's what I am trying to work out Bluebell, am I wollowing in self pity, that's what my H thinks, and I feel that's what I am doing, yet deep down I know he will be on a dating site again as so far he has been on every year for the past 5 years that I know of.
I feel I am living in the past but the other side of me expects him to be up to something.
It's true we all have different expectations of happiness, am I just will owing in self pity???
Do you know what - I'd not be at all surprised if you are - it would almost be expected! YOU know he's lied/lying - HE knows he's lied/lying.
You've got yourself caught up in a mental round-about and he's driving. You are in this situation because of him. Yes, perhaps you could have handled things differently but ultimately he is the one who has done these things and you BOTH know he has. He thinks he is superior in your relationship and he thinks he can throw you some crumbs of support and love to keep you satisfied.
I know it's not always easy logistically and emotionally but honestly love, HE is ultimately the one that has caused this and is still not accepting any responsibility for it. This is not how a good loving relationship should be - I would say you would be far better off emotionally and mentally on your own than with him - no matter how hard the practicalities.
If he really is as nice as you say and makes you feel like only woman on the planet can you live with what hes done as if its a bad habit like snoring? I am not saying you should!! My mother in law lived for over 40 yrs knowing her (D?)H had long term affairs and even another child, she decided she liked what she had too much to give it up!
I couldn't do it and know that I'd be better off alone than living like that but as I say there was something in your posts that made me think you don't want your relationship to break. I'm not sure you could because otherwise you wouldn't have posted but just wanted to ask you .x
I really don't know, obviously I wanted my life with him, the nice person that he is on a daily basis But I can't live with the secret side of him......... That's why I am so torn, I know he won't change .......think you are right, I am scared of the consequences, living a lonely life on my own while he lives happily ever after....................if I could , I would leave but I know I cannot financially even afford to live on my own by that I mean rent and basic bills.x
So, it is clear he is a serial philanderer who likes the thrill of the chase
So tell him you now have an open relationship. Put yourself on a dating website. See other men, go on holiday with other men. Fuck other men
What's good for him....why not make this equally open to you ?
He cannot object, surely ?
I am scared to make the wrong decision which is why I came on here .
When we broke up after he went in holiday with the lady, his family were all up in arms about how unreasonable I was being throwing him out, we'll he chose to leave. His teenage kids couldn't visit as he didn't have spare room, he nearly lost his job because he was so upset and in the end he became suicidal. You see they all only saw the nice guy, no one new why we separated and they all thought I was mean and cruel. U believe he did tell his mum that he had met someone but it only lasted a few weeks , she thought I was unreasonable to destroy my marriage over a women he had only known for a couple of weeks.
When we split last time, he told me he would leave me with nothing and make himself unemployed so he could keep a big part if the house, I would have no claim on his pension and basically be homeless, yes the nasty guy did show his face when we broke.
I broke , I saw no way our and I took him back and my skin crawled with shame at the same time.
Since then I taught myself to see what other people see as he is an easy bloke to get on with but I find myself looking at him wondering and feeling trapped and scared that I will be the one doing the right thing but ending up homeless while he swans off enjoying life, I feel I am on a mo win situation! Pathetic I know ?? X
Not pathetic , just EA and your fear of the unknown holds you back. It may be a good plan to get legal advice about what you will and will not have so at least the threats he is making about your financial position will be just threats. As for his family, I was once told that I should not be afraid of peoples scorn, if the truth is different. My Ex told his OW that it had been hard for him living with my depression and moods, she told him I was Bi polar. He omitted to tell her it was the rape, violence and EA that made me depressed. I hold my head up knowing the truth, If anyone believes him thats their problem, people who care for me and I care about know the truth. They matter.Don't let those sort of thought cloud your choices.The truth comes out and how I've blossomed since I left and hes a mess says it all.
You're not pathetic - your self-worth and confidence is rock bottom. It is easy for us to say what you should be doing but totally different on the other side, however, do consider the age-old 'what advise would you give your son, best-friend, sister etc if they relayed this information about their partner?' The 'nice guy', in my opinion, is not real.
What he does if you break up is not your concern. Where he lives, his job, his family - all his problem. He wasn't worried about you, your feelings or reactions when he cheated. You need to be concerned with yourself and your son. What about benefits? Friends or family that can help you? You have to get the picture out of your head that he'll swan off enjoying life - he may act that way but he almost certainly will not be happy. He is a good actor.
You have to make the decision for yourself. What do you get out of this relationship that is fullfilling and satisfying? Are you really happy being with someone who pretends to be nice? Really stop and think about you as an individual, if you are not happy with your life and the one person who is supposed to understand and be a rock is the one that is causing the anxiety, upset etc, it is time for something to change.
* living a lonely life on my own while he lives happily ever after*
You know it doesn't have to be like that and it's not likely to.
On average, non-married women are happier and live longer than married women, whilst non-married men perform worse than married men.
Chances are your worst fears will actually be in reverse.
(I know I'm much better than with ex, even though I am living alone with one DS)
And you don't have to be lonely forever.
Lots of divorced women remarry, or move on to better relationships.
Not that you need a man to be happy.
Are all those debts and maxed out cards paid off now?
Where does his salary go? Who pays the mortgage?
He is the one who is destroying his marriage - not you.
He made the choice to cheat and to lie - not you.
You deserve far more than this.
All credit cards still maxed out and two loans , he has £17000 of debt in his name only. He pays the mortgage too I pay other bills.
He has so much debt he only has £ 200 left out of his salary which he spends on wine each night, meaning he can't afford to move any where either, that's why he would make it difficult for me and especially since I have left it a while and act all nice to him, he will think I am being totally unreasonable !!
It's interesting you have said to him that you think he is looking for your replacement.
I don't think he's looking for that at all. He doesn't want to leave you, he just wants to have other women on the side, which I suspect he has done and will continue to do for the entirety of your relationship.
That's why he's nice to you - he wants you because you come in the package with the big house, home comforts, you enable his spending habits, etc, and he also wants his dates and dalliances with girlfriends and hook-ups as well.
Driftwood, if you split the equity in your home 50/50, could you afford to buy your own place? Not sure if you said whether you work?
His debts and the fact that he spends his free cash on alcohol are frankly not your problem. I would say he gave away all rights to your financial committment to him when he decided not to be physically or emotionally committed to you.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.