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I'm pretty sure DH has had a fling. What do I do now?

(154 Posts)
HmmmWhatAMess Tue 19-Feb-13 07:42:39

Firstly I have namechanged. I haven't told a soul about this and from my posts under another name I could be identified.

Ok, DH works in the UK but regularly travels abroad. I have never had any reason not to trust him, whilst here and when he was away. He's always been a good dad - although sometimes has a short fuse. With me if has always been my biggest fan, even though we have had some tough times adjusting to becoming a family.

This time if was gone longer than normal and tbh I was a bit concerned how he would cope without the dc's and I. I needn't have worried. In fact he even said on the phone how much if was enjoying it/been out drinking and clubbing with 4 girls from his hotel (alone) and also mostly with the group of men that he was working with. I encouraged him to make the most of his evenings because due to childcare he doesn't get out much. Also, I have a close male friend so I thought it couldn't be one rule for one and not the other.

So if has come back. Has about 5 photos on his phone of him and a young woman. A few are close ups of her face (in one she is wearing his hat). Others are taken in the hotel she works in (the one in which he stayed) with their arms around each other. He showed me these saying he had nothing to hide.

His phone hasn't left his side for the week that he has been back. I have discovered that he wiped messages from his work mobile that he sent to his personal and left just one with her email address on. If has also signed up to WhatsApp and deleted all old texts. He has received 120 and sent 65.

HmmmWhatAMess Wed 20-Feb-13 13:59:04

NanaNina I am completely happy with this thread to continue and I thank and acknowledge everyones contribution so far -however hard it may be to read. And no, perception, he has not had an affair so far to my knowledge.

Izzy, the hat thing bothered me too. It's just a stupid baseball cap, but that does show a level of intimacy and crossing boundaries. He unfairly led her on, and kept doing it for his own gratification and as much as I would like to dislike this girl she is probably perfectly nice and got swept along with it. I also told him that money and a UK VISA was/is also on her agenda too.

But Mrs Frisby, your post totally resonates with me. We met and married so young. Too young. It's been a f**cking long, hard slog at times. Six years to wait for children/him being the sole earner while I gave up my job to go to uni/us constantly changing as people and not at the same time... I have flaws, I know I do. I realise that marriage is all about give and take, but ultimately respect. I believe that he was in a beautiful place, beautiful people, living like a millionaire and momentarily lost his grip on reality and respect. I think I have given him the crash landing that he needs and only time will tell.

I am not a jealous person and do not intend to be. He has come close to p**ssing on his chips and he needs to learn from that and we move on stronger.

Thanks Rhubarb.

Technoviking Wed 20-Feb-13 14:03:13

Reading the rest of this thread, if I'd done what OPs "dp" did, I'd expect to find my bollocks in a glass next to the bed when I woke up. And my clothes in bags.

OP, he knows you're a soft touch so will play on that to get his cake and eat it.

HmmmWhatAMess Wed 20-Feb-13 14:03:35

carmen I am not back peddling and I don't feel that I am defending his actions as they are not acceptable. Maybe I am a sucker but life is not always black and white.

I am trying to think of the bigger picture, one that we can learn and move on from.

Technoviking Wed 20-Feb-13 14:05:33

The trouble is OP, is that YOU are thinking of the bigger picture. HE never has and clearly doesn't. If he gets let off, he never will either.

AnyFucker Germany Wed 20-Feb-13 14:06:58

How is he going to learn ?

Because you told him to ?

He hasn't lost a thing...and only loss will properly instigate a true change in attitude and beliefs

at the moment, he feels entitled to act like an oversexed single man when away from you

so, you've got angry and shouted at him

extracted a couple of easy promises and swallowed some outrageous pisstaking, a gutfull of evasions and some gaslighting

he hasn't learned one damn thing...except how to be a bit more careful next time and that there are no consequences for disrespecting his wife so profoundly

I feel bad for you, love

SizzleSazz Wed 20-Feb-13 14:13:57

Hmm - can he retrieve the text messages to show this was just a conversation flowing on from evening bar convos? This might give his story a bit more 'credibility' and help stop the 'i wonder what all those text messages were about' questions going round in your head.

If you are going to move on I think you need to 100% believe him (with whatever 'evidence' that entails). Only 99% and there is an ongoing nagging doubt sad

Good luck and i hope you can both work through it

perceptionreality Wed 20-Feb-13 14:20:46

OP - this has f all to do with you being 'jealous' - stop putting the onus on yourself, please! It doesn't matter how young you married, his behaviour was totally disrespectful to you. If this were me, I don't think I could forgive it even in a man who I had been with for a much shorter time with less invested than you. With the lack of hard evidence and no previous form I can see why you would want to forgive and move on but are you just delaying a repeat of this months down the line?

If I were you I would keep on snooping. Use every avenue available to check up on his actions.

And the OW doesn't sound nice to me at all. What decent woman keeps on chasing a married man with children when she could easily find someone single?

minecraftfansmum Wed 20-Feb-13 14:27:29

He could be feeling extremely guilty, at sea and is flailing around with pictures, messages etc he may have been carried away within a different setting from the norm - I have a friend who went through a similar situation and has also been with her partner from a young age, after a tumultuous time they patched things up and now (several years after the affair) have a good relationship. Since the affair was with someone from his workplace he has now changed his working hours - a change which has suited them both. It may be just a 'wobble' and perhaps you can move on from this?

Technoviking Wed 20-Feb-13 14:37:56

Also you talk about "we can move on". You won't, though. He's planted that seed and whenever he's away you'll wonder. He may behave, or he may get better at covering his tracks.

Good luck OP, that's aimed at you and not your DH.

THERhubarb Wed 20-Feb-13 14:49:48

Hang on a sec here. The OP has confronted her dh and tbh his excuses do sound plausible enough.

He has never cheated on her before or behaved like this, ever. He didn't delete the pictures on his phone, he even showed them to her. That doesn't smack of a man who has had an affair.

She knows her dh. They have been married for twenty odd years. We don't know him or the situation from adam. We've just read some brief details on the internet.

I'm happy to accept what the OP has said. She seems to have her head screwed on, she says she can tell when her dh is lying and I believe her. She's not found anything else to say that he's screwing around. No other mobile phone, nothing. He knows she checks his messages and she will check their conversation they had today.

Yes he might be a first class prick who has shagged around and doesn't give a crap, but I think the OP might have figured that out by now after so many years of marriage. Perhaps she hasn't, perhaps she is a deluded fool but she doesn't quite come across like that either.

Sometimes we are too quick to scream LEAVE HIM THE BASTARD! When actually, if the roles were reversed we might act differently too. It's all too easy to scream at a laptop but not quite the same when it's happening in real life to you.

I don't think that making the OP feel even worse in this situation will help. She's made her decision and as strangers on t'interweb we should respect that. It's not as if she's drip-feeding or recounting stories of how he's had past affairs but he's now a changed man. If she comes back on in the future to say that she's found more texts then by all means, let's shout LEAVE THE BASTARD! But until then I think we need to give this situation the benefit of doubt and wish the OP luck.

perceptionreality Wed 20-Feb-13 14:59:28

But Rhubarb, earlier up the thread OP says she could tell he was lying if I'm not mistaken?

I also can understand her wanting to give him the benefit but it is odd that she is still texting him now imo, and also why would he have cried about it if he didn't have sex with her?

perceptionreality Wed 20-Feb-13 15:01:37

Is it possible he kept the pictures because he wanted them for himself and then made sure he showed them to not look suspicious? Cheaters often get caught with text messages because they keep them as they want to look back on them iyswim. That could possibly be the case here...

AnyFucker Germany Wed 20-Feb-13 15:02:00

I don't see any screaming, Rhubs < fiddles with hearing aid > Nobody has said LTB (permanently) either.

I see people who don't believe him, for very good reasons. He has treated OP appallingly, and in that oddly abusive way of doing it all in open view

Mentionitis, openly sharing pictures that were pretty intimate, going on about what a fabulous time he had with this attractive young woman, the oversharing that he could have had her, but didn't . The only thing he hasn't shared are the messages between them since he landed back home

The answers are in those messages

Any more he shows OP now are utterly meaningless, because they arrive after the object of his fascination has been warned off, or at least sent more underground.

Everybody wishes OP well.

CuriousMama Wed 20-Feb-13 15:40:32

He sounds immature to me. And very disrespectful.

But you have a lot to lose so will allow him to act like a single bloke when he's away.

You sound absolutely lovely by the way.

AnyFucker Germany Wed 20-Feb-13 15:42:53

Yup. Much too lovely for this arsehat.

holy cow, after this, your marriage is a crash waiting to happen. Now he knows he has free reigns and OP (poor wee lamb) will believe anything.

Please go to the GU clinic and get a check up. How many other random blokes do you think this young barmaid has slept with? Next thing you know she will tell him she is pregnant, and what are you going to do then? What will HE do? Leave you to support this new baby that could be anybody's, or start sending money?

If my dh behaved like this, he would not be able to call our house "home" any more.

CleopatrasAsp Wed 20-Feb-13 16:04:49

I don't believe a word he says and I suspect that, deep down, you don't either OP. I'm sorry you've had to go through this, you deserve better, you really do.

CuriousMama Wed 20-Feb-13 16:09:12

Goodness yes never thought of GU clinic. Go there.

Would agree with AF, you are truly much too nice for this arsehat.

Interesting to see that you wrote the "he's a good dad" comment in your initial post. That indicates to me that you yourself can think of nothing positive to say about him.

I do not think for one minute those messages he has sent since he arrived back home are at all innocent; what does he stand to gain from keeping in touch with her?. Think he's taking you for a mug tbh.

You know what whatsapp is?. Whatsapp is real time messaging.

This is not your fault; he is the one that has messed up big time here by becoming emotionally involved with another woman. He always had a choice not to do so and tell her to back off.

Presumably as well he still has her email address.

I'm afraid I too don't believe him.

From her point of view, you think an attractive single woman sends 120 texts messages including several 'missing you ones', and they're not shagging? I would have stopped at 5...

I imagine the tears were genuine guilt at breaking his marriage vows.

I think this will eat away at you until you get the truth. Together, try and retrieve the deleted texts or watch him and his phone/s and fake email.

Good luck op. wishing you peace of mind soon.

Oh dear - been there and got the t-shirt I'm afraid.
Mine denied it too, until I found some proof and then just told him I knew.
I really do hope you can work passed this.
I couldn't. I tried but there was always that part that didn't trust him again.
Keep it all together for your family and I hope it works out for you.
Good luck.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance Wed 20-Feb-13 18:47:23

I don't believe him.

I don't buy deleting the texts and keeping the pictures.

I think he wanted you to find the pictures because he wants to be chucked out and can't face the responsibility of being the 'bad man' who leaves his wife and kids. Or because he wants to make you jealous to goad you into being 'perfect' wife. Or because he disrespects you and doesn't give a toss how you feel.

There is no good reason for someone to behave as he has done. He really needs to find out why he thought it was ok to behave in the way that he did.

I think the poster who says he'll be buying a new phone is spot on.

Many posters would have literally bet on their children's lives that their DH wouldn't cheat - and been wrong.

Very sorry.

Branleuse Wed 20-Feb-13 18:52:46

good luck OP, I think you sound really reasonable. I would have probably handled it similarly x

Abitwobblynow Wed 20-Feb-13 21:53:36

Well, Hmmmm has acted very decisively, and he has been given notice.

Good luck OP.

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