Had to end a friendship but feel upset and confused

[dimsum123]

Will try and keep this brief.

Have known this friend for a long time around 25 years (we're both 42). She's a lovely person, we always have a laugh when we see each other. But she's also very scatty and disorganised and always running late. And she can offend people as she's often very blunt and a bit insensetive with her remarks but I know her and know it's never meant maliciously.

Recently I have found myself getting annoyed with her. She has a good job but is not committed to it and does not put any effort in at all. She works for a charity and I think it's awful that she is so unconscientious as the charity relies on funding and donations etc and help a lot of desperate people and she just doesn't seem to care.

She has had numerous failed relationships and does nothing but moan about the current boyfriend but she puts no effort into the relationship and yet expects the world on a plate from the boyfriend.

I end up spending hours listening to her various moans about her boss/boyfriend but she has no idea of her faults in both areas. All the fault always seems to be with her horrible boss or unthoughtful boyfriend.

Recently we had arranged to meet. She was late yet again and when I said I was annoyed she said she had enough stress in her life already to be worrying about being late! So I'm supposed to accept waiting around cos she has problems (of her own making).

I was at the end of my tether and told her I'd had enough of her being late all the time and that I wanted a break from her.

I am glad to not be seeing her for a while but I am upset too as we have been friends for so long, went to uni together, loads of hols together, same sense of humour.

She just seems to have become a very negative person and I realise she has mostly moaned about her life over the past 10 years! I am married with kids so I have grown up in many ways while she seems stuck in her 20 something mindset but that never used to bother me as when we met up I felt young and carefree again for a few hours.

I don't want to end our friendship forever but I can't cope with her constant moaning. She has a lot to be thankful for (good job, nice home, good health) but she can't see it. And she was a big part of my social life so I have nobody to hang out with anymore as most of my mum friends dont seem to like going out on a sat night but as my moany friend is single she was always up for an evening out.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Just keep her at arms length. Some people are best enjoyed in small doses and the fact that you have a 25 year history doesn't mean you're obliged to be bosom buddies ad infinitum. You're not married or anything... Make a big effort to find new ways to socialise and new people to socialise with.

[dimsum123]

Hi yes will keep her at arms length for now. I am trying to make new friends. Just finding it hard. Most people are so busy and can only meet up now and then. Said friend was always around so I got used to regular nights out (although still only about twice a month) and was v comfortable with her just through being friends for such a long time.

[Dryjuice25]

I would have been annoyed by her lateness too but not too annoyed to break the long standing friendship? Fgs, you know she has a habit of being late!

Why does her professional conduct have to do with your friendship? What she does at work has nothing to do with you. It's just a job and if she is not doing it well, then her bosses will deal with her.

I suspect that she might not have found the right person yet. She might want to have a family/kids like you and this might affect her being a little bitter about her situation, hence her changing in attitude over the years, and becoming less optimistic/glass half empty.

Call her, speak about your frustrations with her, sort it out.She doesn't sound like a total bitch to me and you know each other too long to fall out over time keeping!

[puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE]

I have a friend like this. I recently decided in a few months when we all go our separate ways, I will probably never speak to her again. I am tired of her lateness, selfishness, slyness and general not niceness.

Lifes too short to waste your time with people who clearly can't be arsed with you.

[dimsum123]

Dryjuice yes I know she is always late. But what annoyed me was that she said she couldn't be bothered to try and be on time as she had so much other stuff to deal with in her own life. And she also pointed out the 1 time I had been late compared to her literally 100's of times.

Yes her job doesn't have anything to do with our friendship. But I have to listen to her moaning about her boss being 'mean' when actually he is just picking up on all the things she is not doing. I told her to just to do what was required and he would stop being 'mean'.

Re family/kids she's always been adamant she doesn't want to get married or cohabit because she loves her freedom and doesn't want to give it up. She was broody a while ago but not any more.

So I'm not sure why she is always moaning. Her sister is getting married soon and she is moaning about her parents giving her sister some money towards the wedding, the cost of parking at the venue (£20 in central london fgs!). Why can't she just be happy pleased and excited for her sister?

I will try and speak to her. She has sought counselling every now and then but only if it's free (on nhs or through her work) she won't pay for it even though she can easily afford it and recently spent 3k on a holiday. She needs far more than the 6 free sessions on the nhs.

[worsestershiresauce]

She sounds unhappy and depressed with her life. I have a friend like this - she is often late and often cancels at the last minute. It took me a few years to work out that actually she wasn't being a selfish thoughtless cow, she was just having a bad day and was having trouble pulling herself together enough to face up to doing whatever it was she'd promised to do. Don't automatically judge her, try and find out why she is behaving the way she is.

[delilahlilah]

Either tell her an earlier time, or be late yourself. Some people are, and always will be late. It sounds like there is much more too this, and she needs help. To go for counselling speaks volumes. Maybe she feels she has missed out in never having children etc, and nobody knows what another person's relationship is like behind closed doors. It is hard when someone is always down, but imagine what she feels like.........

[dimsum123]

Yes I think she is unhappy and depressed but she seems very very unwilling to admit it. Always insists she doesn't want to get married but I think her younger sis suddenly getting engaged has thrown her as she thought her sis also would never get married so she would have company iyswim.

She always preferred her freedom and ability to be selfish over the sacrifices of marriage and kids so surely she made her bed and now has to lie in it?

The thing is i have not had it easy either. Abusive family who i cut ties witb 6 years ago. Severe depression leading to suicidal breakdown 2 years ago. Years of severe facial eczema. She knows all of this so it's not as if my life is great while hers is rubbish. And yet I don't think i can keep people waiting because i have problems.

[comberbird]

One of my very close friends once said to me that I see the people I care about as the most as beautiful, funny and clever people in the world. Objectively they probably aren't all of these things but they are such amazing friends that you see through any of their shortcomings. Based on what you have said about your mate ... none of this applies. Even in the saddest situations there should be some joy in a friendship - if there is no joy left then maybe you are right to keep your distance for a while. I recently parted company with a 'friend' [she was my bridesmaid] as I stopped getting anything positive from our relationship. It has made me very sad and I am not sure its the right thing to do but I have releived myself of the angst of seeing her for a while and that in itself is a relief.

[dimsum123]

It's made me sad to even temporarily end our friendship.

I forgot to mention that when she was broody said friend was trying to trick boyfriend at the time to get her pregnant and then she intended to keep the baby and dump the boyfriend.

Again like the job issue none of my business but highly selfish, irresponsible and wrong thing to do on her part.

Guess I'm losing a lot of respect for her in the way she's running her life although strictly speaking none of these things affect me (apart from the moaning).

[Dryjuice25]

Hi again Op, I can see how this friendship is dragging you down and I don't blame you for losing respect for your friend.

It sounds like she really is going though a lot more than she is letting on. Trying for a child with an oblivious male leaves a lot to be desired as far as the choices she has made are concerned. I doubt she is happy with her life and needs support of people who are going to be there even when it's gray and rainy. At best she is very negative killjoybut at worst, she is severely depressed. Also,some bosses can have unreasonable demands on their subordinants Ive been there, so she might actually be suffering from this situation for all you know.

But I don't expect you to play mum to her apparent childish attitudes. After all we are encouraged to surround ourselves with positive people for our own good.

Only you know what you have to do and what you will get/miss from cutting ties with this friend of yours.

[dimsum123]

Hi yes I think she must be unhappy with her life. But you honestly wouldn't know it if you saw/spoke to her. She won't admit to being unhappy so I can't really help her or just listen or be a shoulder to cry on.

All her moaning is done in a jokey kind of way not in a seriously unhappy kind of way iyswim.

Re her work I'm not at all surprised her boss is not happy with her as she doesn't go to important meetings, delegates work to others that she is supposed to do and hardly goes into the office saying she is working from home but she actually goes to the gym! And of course she can't answer any phone calls or emails. So I do think her boss is justified in being unhappy with her.

I told her to just go to the meetings and do the reports etc but it seems she wants to get paid for doing nothing! And that annoys me because it's a charity who can ill afford wasting funds like that.

She doesn't know i'm so disapproving of her in so many ways as i haven't told her directly but i think that is why i got so angry at her lateness recently.

I feel like telling her a few home truths but really it's none of my business.

[CarnivorousPanda]

I suppose the bottom line is whether the good points outweigh the bad.

So she's a laugh and up for a night out, but ultimately you disapprove of her behaviour.

If you had more friends, would you still see her?

[frustratedworkingmum]

You don't sound like you like her very much just now (from what you say, i dont blame you) so just move on.

[dimsum123]

If I had other friends who were up for a night out then no, I wouldn't see her as often as I do.

And no, I don't like her very much right now.

She thought she could have it all ie enjoy her 20's and 30's partying travelling being selfish and then when she felt it was time to have a baby some gorgeous rich man would magically appear and she would instantly have everything most people have to work hard at and make sacrifices to create ie a strong and happy relationship, children and a nice home.

She had her chance to settle down and have kids but she didn't take it, she preferred to travel and socialise and now maybe she realises she made a mistake but it's too late. It's too late for children, and she keeps asking if I regret having children hoping I'll say yes which will make her feel better.

I think she really needs counselling but she won't pay for it even though she can easily afford it. Maybe she's in denial about how unhappy she really is.

[delilahlilah]

I'm sorry Op, but much as she sounds a pain, you really seem quite hostile towards her. I wonder if you are sad to lose the friendship or sad to lose the company on the nights out you want. It rather sounds like you use her from your last post.
No, she isn't perceptive towards your problems, but some people aren't. You don't seem to like who she is or what she does, so I can't quite work out why you are moaning about discontinuing the friendship.
Obviously this is just the impression this thread has given me, and it isn't that you are a bad person or anything - just that you 2 as individuals don't seem compatible. There is clearly resentment, and time apart short or long term seems a good idea for both of you. It isn't the action of being late, but that you don't feel she prioritises in the right way, which seems to be the theme in the things that annoy you. However, her priorities are why she is in the position she is currently in, so it hasn't really worked out for the best for her either.

[dimsum123]

delila you are right. I think I am using her to an extent ie because she is the only person I know who's happy to go out for a meal or drink in town quite regularly.

Years ago we seemed to be very similar lots in common same line of work etc. Our lives took different paths when i got married and had kids but we were still really good friends and I didn't have the resentment I have now.

The resentment and disapproval began when she started ttc with whichever boyfriend she was with at the time. I was really angry that she seemed to think it was on to knowingly bring a child into the world with no chance of having a relationship with it's father because she didn't want a committed relationship.

I have 2 DC's and take the responsibilty very seriously. They're not an accessory or something to do before you get too old which is how she views it.

The job thing annoys me but i think it's her selfishness and irresponsibilty in ttc with a boyfriend she does nothing but moan about that really angers me. Children are people with needs and feelings. She just sees them as almost like an item she can 'buy', a commodity, just because she wants one, like a pair of shoes.

I do feel bad in that my thoughts about her are not very nice and it's definately best I stay away from her while I feel this way. Although I am still very angry at how late she was the other day and because she couldn't be bothered with the hassle of trying to be on time because she had too many other things to worry about. I had even told her i was on my way and she would have known at that point that she was nowhere near our meeting place and was going to be late but didnt bother to tell me.