Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

My Husband is taking All my Salary and Only Gives me enough Allowance for Food!

(262 Posts)
ImverySad Thu 14-Feb-13 07:25:41

Hi Everyone,

Im just hoping if anyone could help me with a piece of advise.

I am married for 3 yrs plus now, and I've been working for nearly 1/2 year now, My husband is taking all my salary since then, and he only gives me little money for my food. He scolds me everytime I overspend a bit even for a food. And if I ask him to buy me something, sometimes he will buy but most of the time not, and he just tell me this is not good for me.etc..

In normal days when I buy food for the two of us, he will always ask me how much the food costs, and where is the change, and would ask me to calculate the spending and the money left, and I have to return the change to him.

Sometimes he treatens not to give me more money because i always overspend. I would cry feeling helpess and sad coz i feel that im losing my selfworth and confidence. he always tells me he loves me and how much i mean to him, but whenever he is angry, he will use all unneccessary words, such as,(you're bloody or f***G stubborn) and sometimes he would kick me.

I ask him why does he need to say hurtful words and kick me, he will say I deserve it for being stubborn and for not listening to him, and that I need to be discipline, I really dun understand as Im always obedient to him, i even stand up when he ask me to just for him to punish me by kicking me.

He is ok and romantic, sweet when he is not angry, but if he is angry, he always tell me there a limit to his patience, I feel so hurt, as i feel that he does not respect me. he controls evrything in the house. Sometimes Im thinking of leaving him, but i am sacred to do so. as all my salary goes to him. I do not have any savings.

I have my parents to look after too and want to help them by sending them some money, but most of the time I cannot help my parents as I dun have money, I have to ask my husbands permission first whether I can send some money to my parents, sometimes he will send money.

Is it right if my husbands continues to keep my salary? Is it a good Idea for me to move out frist and sort out my feelings? I love my husband and care a lot about him, but I feel that I cannot live with him anymore. I am very sad and confused for years now. I got no one to talk to as I do not have any family or relatives in this country except my husband.

Sometimes I prayed for myself to change and be patience towards him, but i am very tired and emotionally broken that I cant bring myself to talk to him.

What should I do...? what is the right thing for me to do without hurting anyone.?

HappySunflower Tue 05-Mar-13 22:59:50

Hello Imverysad, I have been keeping an eye on your thread and am so sorry for the situation that you find yourself in.
I was just wondering how you are?
I hope that your plans to move are going positively.

ImverySad Wed 06-Mar-13 06:07:55

Hi HappySunflower, Thanks for asking, for your concern and reading my thread...I am not really sure if i am ok or not.

I've already moved out, today is my 2nd day since i left home (Infact My H was very angry at me about something the other day, and yesterday He chased me out of the house and told me to F***k Off and dissappear from his life)

Right now, I am having a 'mixture feeling' I am heart broken for what he said to me that day(told me to get out and never come back) and at the same time i feel a little bit calm and not anxious about something, or should I say, i dont feel pressurized and scared.

Though I am lonely and sad of what has happend
to my M, i think this is the best for both of us.

And I would like to thank everyone out here for supporting me and guiding me through. For your time and patience reading my thread and responding to my questions. Thanks guys for your help...

ImverySad, I'm so glad to hear your update.

Although it was a horrible way to end things, maybe it is better in the long run - I hope you can now stop feeling sorry for him and responsible for him, and focus on yourself.

Onwards and upwards. smile

LIZS Wed 06-Mar-13 08:21:35

You have shown a lot of courage and it sounds as if he didn't want to be "left" so controlled your leaving . No bad thing as it demonstrates where his priorities lie. Wishing you the best as you move on.

Katisha Wed 06-Mar-13 08:29:04

Hello - just read all this. Well done on getting out.
I would just say be prepared now for him to start begging you to come back, showing remorse, saying he'll change, buying presents etc.
You need to remember his true nature - he will want you back because currently he has no-one to control, no-one whose money to steal and no-one to kick, literally or metaphorically.

Katisha Wed 06-Mar-13 08:29:54

He might also suddenly start having "crises" that only you can fix, threaten suicide, or some other crisis. Do not be fooled.

Jux Wed 06-Mar-13 09:00:42

Well done, Iam, well done! I am so relieved you are now safe and away from him, but be careful about what Katisha said.

At the time he thought he won by chucking you out, but never forget - YOU are the real winner here.

You now have the opportunity to make a wonderful life for yourself. Keep him out of it.

Good points above.

I don't think I've mentioned this as it wasn't really the same situation (casual boyfriend and we didn't live together), but I once had a boyfriend who was violent. He was violent once and that was it, I left and didn't look back.

But, afterwards he went round telling people he'd left me. hmm Not that I cared... Then he wrote me letters telling me he hated me. Whatever. These were interspersed with letters begging me to come back. confused

Thankfully I'd learnt by then that any communication - even saying "sod off, you bastard" - just prolonged discussion, and there was really nothing to discuss.

AgathaF Wed 06-Mar-13 09:26:20

So pleased you're out.

Remember, any contact with him will just prolong the hurt, so don't respond to any contact he makes to you.

ImverySad Thu 07-Mar-13 02:44:59

NotGoodNotBad, thanks, yes! right now my focus is on my Parents, work and how to improve myself and gain my confidence back. Though its very painful to go through this (separating with him) but i gotta put a stop worrying for him...and start to rebuild and get my life back which I've lost for years..

I would say, it feels good to be free..especially when nobody nags at you and controls you, tells you what you should do and what not...

ImverySad Thu 07-Mar-13 02:48:52

Thanks LIZSsmile what ever his reason of chasing me out and got angry with me over small things, that doesnt really matter anymore, now even though im still in shocked, but i feel better and not worried on 'what he would do to me or say hurtful things' I feel relief now..

ImverySad Thu 07-Mar-13 02:53:44

Hi Katisha, Thanks! Yes! you are right, you really have a point there, he may ask me to go back and start afresh with him(that's what happend the last time, when i left, he asked me to come back)

But, this this time, if he will ask me to go back and start to apologize,..I will not buy it anymore..as I am really exhausted enough to go thruogh that truoble again. Though I still care abuot him and love him, but i will not use that reason to go back...I've made up my mind. Its better to be alone and take care of my parents instead.

ImverySad Thu 07-Mar-13 02:56:28

Thanks Jux , i'll bear that in mind, Yes! i agree with you..I am the winner here and should be proud of myself that i had the courage to get out safely..

ImverySad Thu 07-Mar-13 02:59:05

Katisha, (He might also suddenly start having "crises" that only you can fix, threaten suicide, or some other crisis)...

I doubt he will say this things to treaten me..but if does,,i am prepared to back to my homeland and live with my Parents then.

But I hope he will not do that kind of things just to get me to go back to him..

ImverySad Thu 07-Mar-13 03:03:31

AgathaF, thanks for the reminder.. you can be sure that i will not get in touch with him... i need a break and im tired going through the same cicle over and over again.

maras2 Thu 07-Mar-13 03:16:25

Sweetie,I'm so glad that you have left.I've had a very bad feeling that if you had stayed he might have killed you.God bless and look after you.Keep strong an never underestimate the power of Mumsnet. Mx.

izzyizin Thu 07-Mar-13 06:08:49

O honey, EMBRACE YOUR FREEDOM WITH ALL OF YOUR BEING as it is the most satisfying, rewarding and fulfilling state that you have been in for a long and lonely time.

Allow it to empower you and make you impervious to any demands your h and other abusive males may try to impose on you either now or in the future.

Light a candle or make whatever devotion you feel is appropriate to the goddess of mumsnet and of women everywhere and thank her for your liberation.

And let your courage and resolve to live your life on your terms be an inspiration to others. You truly deserve a florist shop's worth of thanks and I salute you wine

Jux Thu 07-Mar-13 22:31:30

Would you promise yourself that, if he does get in touch, you will re-read this thread remembering how you were feeling when you wrote each post? And could you promise yourself that if you feel that you should or want to go back to him, that you will start another thread, or continue this one? (You don't need to answer, by the way.)

Just as a reality check.

ImverySad Fri 08-Mar-13 01:32:12

thanks so much izzyizin, that was nice and heart warmingsmile

Yes, I am finally free, thanks to people here in mumsnet..they are really amazing, i mean all of you here, it has been a great help..and I still cant believe that I am already out..i mean is this for real?

I am really grateful to all of you here, for your time and energy reading my thread, giving me strength..thank you once again! for believing in me and for making me realise that the life i had was not good..God Bless you guys..

I am getting strong because of your support, i would say you all comforted me when i needed someone to listen and understand what i was going through.

Ha ha ha ha ha! He chased you out of the house to hurt you and make you feel small, fully expecting that you would come crawling home begging him to let you in. But instead you have called his bluff, you have done what he "asked" and left, and you are so much happier and better off without him.

I'll bet he is very confused as to how his plan could have gone so wrong.

Ahhhhh, it serves him right!

Well done ImverySad!!!!

ripsishere Fri 08-Mar-13 01:42:15

Well done Imso, great news.

izzyizin Fri 08-Mar-13 05:46:21

YES IT IS!!! It truly is FOR REAL!!! You ARE free to be yourself and no longer have to live in fear of your h and the emotional, verbal, financial, and physical abuse he used to make you subservient to, and dependent, on him.

He will come begging, honey. Tears will run down his face as he pleads with you to please please please just give him another chance. He'll sob as he tells you he loves you so much and he's so very sorry for hurting you.

He'll say he doesn't understand how he could have treated you with such disdain and cruelty, and he'll give every impression of being truly grief-stricken as he says that the only reason he can think of is you mean so much to him, and he loves you so desperately with every fibre of his being, that he was scared another man would steal you away from him or that you'd leave him of your own accord.

He'll look you in the eye as he swears on his, your, his dps, and a motley assortment of other lives and swears by all of the gods that he's learned a bitter lesson and he'll never, never, hurt you again - may the great god strike him dead if he should ever raise a hand to you.

If you don't capitulate and pack your bags and immediately go home with him, he'll continue in the same vain on maybe another couple of occasions before reverting to type as his threatens you with every kind of dire consequence if you dare to think you can get away from him and do what you want.

Whether he's uttering pleas or threats, take NO notice of anything he says and continue to relish your newly recovered ability to live your life the way you ^you want it - and have a good one in which you make the most of every blessed day, honey.

BanjoPlayingTiger Sat 09-Mar-13 23:29:04

Hi imverysad

You are free to dance now. grin you can watch the Korean programmes! You don't have to be scared about being kicked. You are free!!

Much love to you. I am still praying for you often. xx

ImverySad Mon 11-Mar-13 06:44:52

Thank You BanjoPlayingTiger..,for your prayers..

Yes I can dance freely now (its my way of distressing and excersing) and watch the television without worrying if my h can see what im watching..smile

I would say, though its a little lonely being alone, and miss him..(not that i want to go back with him), but I can laugh loud now feel so free and not afraid of anything now.

And eventhough i dont know whats gonna happend to me in future, but i will live my life day by day and try to enjoy life and enjoy my freedom which ive lost for so many years...

Thanks everyone...

I'm sure your future will be happy. smile I think you just need a little time to find out who you are, and to learn to love yourself.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now