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Really don't know the right thing to do....

(12 Posts)
Dinkyblu Tue 12-Feb-13 22:52:51

I really don't know what to do for the best....my DM keeps falling out with me over how I bring up dc. She has always been quite controlling but I have always just gone along with what she has said until my dc came alone 18months ago....that is where our problems started.

DM was so overbearing when dc was born, she felt entitled to alone time with dc from been only weeks old and always put pressure on me for this and overnight stays. i remember when dc was 10 days old and she took her off me and went in the next room to have alone time with her and wouldn't give me her back and i needed to bf her. she would always try and stop me feeding dc when i saw her cues and she'd put me down for most of my parenting decisions.... Accusing me of feeding dc too often (I was trying to establish bf), ignoring my requests with her heavy smoking and undermining most decisions I was making on just about everything. It seemed that everything I did she always had unwanted advice of how she would have done it different (on how her way was the right way)

So 18 months on and DM now criticises me as she thinks dc should be going over for the day without me or for days out with her but I'm not so keen. I don't get the days out alone thing cos if u go for a family day out then why would u want to exclude your own dc and just want to take your dgc. I work during the week 2-3 days and feel my weekends and days off with dc are precious while she is so young. There are also other gp's to visit and consider during the weekends. I think my DM wanted to have dc as and when she wanted and not have me around ...but at 18 months dc is still quite clingy and doesn't like to be left and tbh I am fine with nurturing that until she is ready ....I don't want to rush her independence and I enjoy our time together and I feel like I have enough time away from her when I am at work.

My main worry about leaving dc with my DM is her heavy smoking. Her house smells of it even though she doesn't smoke inside while we are there....but she is always pushing the boundaries like asking if its ok to smoke at the door rather than outside...so I know full well this is what she would do without me there. she needs to smoke at least every hour so i don't feel like i can leave dc there for extended amount of time on her own anyway. I don't trust her not to smoke outside if I wasn't there as she does think I make a big fuss over nothing with the passive smoking thing.

our relationship is very strained at the moment. We used to be so close but her over bearing nature and criticising of my parenting has taken its toll. She says she is hurt I have not made her 'the main GP' and has also fallen it with my dh as she feels he should see her side of things because our dc was her 1st dgc but his DM has other dgc.... As if my dh is going to put my DM first when she has been the most argumentative GP of them all confused

W keep going round in circles of 'agreeing to disagree' but then it only lasts so long then she will have a go at me over something silly and make a bigger argument over her spending time alone with dc.....I am jus getting fed up of it now as it wearing me down and making me question my parenting but my dc is such a happy, clever little thing and everyone else says this...so I can't be doing a bad job (with dh). I use my instincts alot with parenting and they are just not the same as my own dm's and I think it insults her.

I jus can't see a way round this...... But if we do stop talking then I am unsure what to do about when dm sees dc. I don't want to stop dc from getting to know her granny but I also don't want things to continue as they are with me and my DM. I know my DM can be quite manipulative though so I worry that will be an issue when dc is older. But how things are at the moment (one minute me and DM talking then the next she has fallen out with me) I feel is just really bad for dc to see when she's is growing up.

So I am just looking for advice really (and needed to get stuff off my chest).
Has anyone stopped talking to their dm's and how has this affected when there dm's see their dgc.....

There's so much that has happened I would be here all night if I was to write how much DM has hurt me sinse having dc...I just don't know where to go from here.

I just don't want me lovely dc affected by this situation....and if me and DM did cut ties then what is best for my dc.......

I am just so sad about it all...

Thank you if you are still reading ... That turned into a long one.

BluelightsAndSirens Tue 12-Feb-13 23:00:34

Wow, 18 short months and a post that could go all night long.

I may not be the right person to answer this but yes I did cut all contact with my mother because of issues not as bad as yours.

My DC didn't suffer and don't realise she isn't here because I am a less stressed and happier person without her.

My mum wasn't bothered about my DC though, I think you may have a bigger battle on your hands if you did decide to cut contact.

Dinkyblu Tue 12-Feb-13 23:09:41

Thanks for the reply bluelightsandsirens....sorry to hear u have had a similar situation.

I'd hate to cut off contact with DM and dc but just wondered how reasonable I'd be expected to be....eg I could offer they come here to visit once every few weeks while I potter around....but then by keeping dh's contact with DM am I asking for trouble in years to come....and will she be as insulting and over bearing to my dc as she is to me when she is older.....

So hard to know what to do for the best

betterthanever Tue 12-Feb-13 23:12:00

OK, she is your DC and it is your life and your house and you decide who comes in and when. I don't want to rush her independence and I enjoy our time together and I feel like I have enough time away from her when I am at work. correct and you don't need to justify yourself - just say firmly - No, I already have plans today - you don't even need to say what. If she takes offence and cuts contact then let her but that way you are not just not being dictated to.
What does she do when not with you?

Dinkyblu Tue 12-Feb-13 23:20:49

I have made excuses for DM not to take out dd but it has ended with lots of resentment from her towards me. So it's like a vicious circle we are going through... She doesn't want to go on family days out with me there (as I have suggested) as she says she doesn't like me anymore

She stays at home on a weekend and likes the flock to gather at her home but its always been an issue that is is smokey and this again has caused lots if resentment.

Apparently all my aunties ect have heard what a bad dd I am and think I am out of order....

betterthanever Tue 12-Feb-13 23:26:49

She sounds delightful !! - stick to your guns and keep her away. If she doesn't like you any more then tell her she is entitled to her opinion but you feel it is then best you keep away from each other.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Tue 12-Feb-13 23:38:49

she says she doesn't like me anymore

Is she 4 years old? I think there's a good reason right there ^ (along with plenty others) for stopping to care what this woman thinks of you.

Apparently all my aunties ect have heard what a bad dd I am and think I am out of order....

This is what she has told you I presume? Your extended family know what she is like. Although some will probably prefer you to keep playing the role of obedient daughter, you do not need to kowtow to any of these people. The only person who gets to decide what you do in life is you. Start believing it!

You are entitled to limit contact and to say no to anyone, even a parent. Truly, you are.

Have you looked at the resources on the first post of the Stately Homes thread?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 13-Feb-13 14:42:04

Spotlight's on her isn't it, the grandmother. She had her turn, parenting you. Undermining you, when DD was still a tiny baby - how do you think she will win round your DD as she gets older, especially if your M has free access to her during hours or overnight stays? Won't she just rubbish your efforts and delight in telling you how much better she handles your child? Your DD isn't a ragdoll to be squabbled over or pulled apart. Even if it weren't for the smoking aspect, I would be monitoring her closely when visiting her granny.

Please don't let your mother knock your confidence. Even if your aunts have heard her criticise you, why would they believe her? Who made them judges of motherhood? You are a grown woman, you are your child's parent, not her. she has been the most argumentative GP of them all yes because your M is used to steamrollering over your wishes and thinks she can pull the same stunt now you have a small child. This isn't just about dominating you, surely your DH has a say in when your DD sees any of her grandparents. Has your M ever accepted him, does she not value his input?

Simplest of all but clearly hard for you, is to steer clear, unless you feel equipped to ignore criticism or deflate any grandiose ideas of how much influence your M can wield or when/if your DD is ready to visit alone.

Dinkyblu Wed 13-Feb-13 22:17:28

Thank you for your replies....it's really appreciated.

I just worry my decisions and how I deal with this will have an impact on my dc....will she think its normal for dm's and dd's to fallout, but if we keep contact then what impact will that have on dd....it would probably be worse. I just want to make sure my dc is as loved and secure as she deserves....and I'm not sure if that's with taking the risk of my DM in her life or just cutting ties completely. I know my DM adores my dc but I also worry that keeping some from of contact will mean my DM may have an influence in her when she is older in a negative way.

My DM has really put me down over the past 18 months all because I make my own parenting decision she does not agree with. But I still can't help worrying how much it would hurt her if we were to just say 'enough is enough' and cut ties. But it's the fact that she has been so against my parenting decisions that I've never wanted to leave dd with her for long periods....my parenting decisions are a little AP and my DM thinks its all wrong.

It's so hard.....we were so close before dc. But now I realise it was because at the time I basically agreed with her on everything she said. When my dc was born It was like I grew up overnight and I wasn't been told how to do things anymore. I started to use my instinct and just did what felt right and made my own decisions...along with dh.

Re dh, he was really loved by my DM and DSF but then after an argument last year when my mum was been demanding and calling me a selfish c**t (yep...delightful) for not passing my dc around the family like a time share its actually my DM that has fallen out with him....because he didn't back her up confused...... Why the hell would my dh stick up for my DM when she was been insulting and demanding again...the argument was because my DM and DSF wanted to take dc out for the evening but it was a long car journey on an evening (dark country roads in winter) in a smokey car and I just wasn't comfortable with it as I don't think dc would have liked been away from me or dh that long .....

I've never looked at the stately homes....sometimes I can't find my way about in here..lol. But I will have a look and see what it is, thanks for the info.

It has been good to get something's off my chest. I just can't help feeling guilty and the 'person in the wrong' as my DM is so adamant I am doing my dc no good. The whole situation is such a mess. I have been told I have torn the family apart....all because I haven't 'shared' dc and allowed my DM alone 'bonding' with dc from a young age....

Walkacrossthesand Wed 13-Feb-13 22:43:41

Dinky, you are doing just fine, don't doubt it. The role of grandparents/aunts etc in a child's life is a supplementary one, and requires GPs to button their lip unless asked for advice. Good GPs do this, they may let the odd remark slip but realise that they've done so & back off smartly. DC is your DC first, a member of the extended family second, and it's up to your DM to acknowledge that. If she can't/won't (because of her history of getting her own way) then the problem is hers not yours. Shrug off any accusations that you've torn the family apart - it's your child, you'd be delighted to share her with the family but only if they respect your wishes!. stormy seas ahead I fear, but maybe her desire to have a relationship with her DGD will force her to listen to you, for once.

It's got to be all about HER hasn't it? Well no, actually it hasn't. Your child your rules. She sounds very toxic, agree with those steering you towards the stately homes thread. Once you look deeper, I'm sure you will realise that her outrageous behaviour started long before your DD was born.

It will be hard to reprogramme her but if she continues, you walk away for the sake of your family- you, DH and DD- who come before her.

Trust your instincts here, they are telling you that she is behaving inappropriately, and they are right.

Dinkyblu Wed 20-Feb-13 20:54:02

So after after not hearing from DM for 2 weeks (the last time I heard from her was after an abusive text to both me and dh and a phone call the next day rubbishing my efforts at been a parent and been generally insulting...even putting down my appearance just for good measure hmm ).....I have received a text message yesterday just saying 'are u at home or work and dsf has some cleaning stuff for u' (dsf sometimes gets me some bits every now and again when he's been to the warehouse.)

I was out at the time so didn't reply as I was with a friend and didn't want to be rude and also I felt distracted after hearing from DM. But I still haven't replied because I don't want to just for the sake of it and I really am not interested in a few cleaning products after the huge argument we had......is that supposed to make things better?!?!

It just doesn't feel right ignoring her text message though.....but there was no hint of a 'we need to talk' or apology ....I'm thinking she prob wanted to come and see dc but surely I deserve a better text message than that after what she last said to me.

I just feel so sad because I know she will miss dc and she does love her....but we can't go on like this talking for a month then her making an argument with me and then not taking....dc will start picking up on it soon.

So don't know what to do....reply to the text or not. Any advice appreciated

And to make things worse its Mother's Day soon.....

:-((

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