My decree absolute came through a couple of days ago. I am now twice divorced. I'm not sure I can really see my marriages as complete failures - for the most part they were both bloody good, my husbands were delightful and then something changed - who knows what - and we stopped being a team. So I prefer to try and learn from both relationships and hopefully apply that, dare I say, "wisdom" to my next relationship(s).
I've seen my ex twice since having enough of his lies and walking out on 4 July 2011. The second time was two weeks ago when we had to sign some documents to close bank accounts and stuff. At that point he gave me my cash settlement on the grounds it didn't really matter if we waited for absolute as the consent order had been sealed by the court. I can't complain - he's been more than fair. My sol told me I wasn't actually entitled to his main pension as this had been accrued prior to our relationship starting but he gave me a generous pension transfer nonetheless.
And so for the bit that I hope will give hope to some of you who have followed my story and those who haven't. I am very very settled and happy today. There are no extremes of happiness or sadness like the early days of separation just a very solid knowledge that I enjoy life, I enjoy work and I enjoy a myriad of new experiences on a regular basis. Last year I saw Everest with my own eyes; I went para-gliding with The Himalaya behind me; I rode an elephant bareback and bathed it in the river - I did so many life-affirming things. Photos of me just radiate a joy and happiness now in a way they never did before.
I have so many glorious friends - truly loyal and good friends and I make friends so easily now, not that I didn't before, but I judge people less and I make sure I stay in contact now - I will spend the rest of days being a good friend because I know how much that matters.
I have dipped into attempted relationships with good men who, in the end, don't quite tick my box and that's fine. I'm not racked with mistrust because of my ex's betrayal, I haven't turned into some paranoid witch and that matters. Equally I'm not worried about not being in a partnership such that I cling on to an unsuitable chap. I've already agreed with a girlfriend that if we're still single at 60 then we'll buy a house, rent out a couple of rooms to other like-minded women and enjoy our conservatory, garden and drink G&Ts when we feel like it. We'll share the best that we have to offer and will be the life and soul of any road we live on and if we need a nurse to help us with bits and bobs then we'll pay for one between us. Sounds like a plan doesn't it?
To be honest the only downside I see of not having H is that I have to do absolutely everything and bear absolutely everything alone and sometimes it would be nice to share stuff - especially the humdrum - the admin around bills, booking holidays etc. That's the only negative but when I was married I sometimes felt I was bearing it all on my own anyway except then I would resent him for not "being there" so it's not that different in reality. That negative is more than outweighed by the fact that my time and money can be spent on what I choose, my holidays can be wherever I wish and I can go whenever I want to. I no longer miss out on going to a film or an exhibition because I was hoping the ex would come with me. I either go with a friend or I go on my own.
So to all of you who have read this and who have just found out that your soul mate has been mating with a soul other than you, take heart - the horror of discovery, the horror of betrayal and all of the mental torture and physical symptoms that go with it do pass. They are gradually replaced with a peace of mind and a joy that cannot be described. Someone described a photo of me as "radiant" the other day and that's how I feel - radiant. In my old life I would often sit at my kitchen table and stare wistfully down the garden wondering if there was a better life out there that was more fulfilling. I can honestly say, hand on heart, that I never wish myself out of the life I have now. I really don't. I am content, happy and so fulfilled and there is a very good man within touching distance but he is not the be all and end all of my happiness - I am.
Life after DH doesn't just get better - it gets really fucking amazing... yes, you have to drag yourself through the first bit but then you really do start to live it, for real, and it's amazing, just amazing. No bull.
So to Wisey, DrFayRay, Saff, Dozer and all of the other fabulous people on MN, I salute you and thank you and I will never ever forget how you got me through my bleakest moments. Thank you.
With love and joy
B&A xxx
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Relationships
B&A finally gets her D-I-V-O-R-C-E
BeforeAndAfter · 08/02/2013 19:23
Hey B&A great news!!!!!
You sound even more sorted than ever 
.
My absolute came through just before Christmas and I finally got the settlement from PTM.
So we survived and in no small measure to the wonderful posters here.
And thank you too, B&A. You helped me too. 
B&A!
And wisey too!
So glad things are going well for you, and that all the legalities and finances etc are sorted out. You sound great. Your update is inspiring.
B&A and Dozer too.
According to DD her DF is "very bitter" about everything. I also got half his pension and it was like squeezing the last drop of lemon juice out of a dried up old fruit which is long past its sell by date!
You'd think he would be happy as larry though. Shame.
(Wisey here) It's so encouraging to know that those of us who were going through so much at the same time have come through it all.
Saff I bloody LOVE your new nickname. It so fits your sense of humour.
Juliette I can only guess who you 'were' but thank you. I can't tell you what a sense of community I got from MN when I was in my darkest moments. Having said that, MN must be a source of comedy script-writing at its best because I have ROARED with laughter here.
Oh yes, MN. You've got the lot
Hi, fantastic to see everyone in a better place. I have had so much I can't even remember what I called myself then. 
Suffice to say, I am delighted that you are free from these useless men. By God, they really didn't work out that they had it all.
I'll raise another glass to your futures and wish you all health and happiness. You came through some of the worst shit men can throw at you, but you found your voice and have kicked them into touch. They never really knew what hit them... they have plenty of time to consider their stupidity now. xx
Never this could have the potential to be a reunion thread.
There's . There are memories. There are different names. There WILL be different hair do's. What else could we have apart from dodgy disco music and some virtual snogging of ?
may I join the reunion party and say I too am very very happy with life. Saw a pic of exH recently and he appears to have found the 2 st I just lost and yes, he looks a good 10yrs older than me (actually a tad younger). He married the OW a bit too rapidly methinks - told one of the DCs he didn't think he'd still be with her if they hadn't married - he really has put all his eggs into that rather fragile basket case
Here's to the rest of our lives
"Frustrated" grabbing life is the only way to go. Be prepared for extreme highs and lows - make the most of the highs and keep the faith during the lows. I really recommend creating a thread on MN - it will help you get through the lows, will keep you on track and the black humour will keep you laughing for years.
To old friends, known or named-changed, it's great to see you!
I just found this!!! B&A !!! Wisey, Dozer, Saff!!! Wow! All us amazing wimmin!
So happy to hear that things are good for you. So happy
I haven't been on the relationships threads for awhile so missed this
But something made me search for you B&A.
Things are a bit tricky for me but I am doing well enough. Looking for a different job - career change really. Back to my first love - high school teaching
Was in a sort of relationship but now single and actually happy to be single. Although it is hard doing everything myself but oh well ...
Fucking Twatty ex is still with the Kayaking Kunt 
.. Waiting for divorce to come. All papers in to the courts. DS has not seen his father in over a year. DD sees him from time to time.
I am now seriously obsessed with Tango and take lessons. I did a lot of Latin and Cuban dancing last year.
My relationships with people are great. I have fabulous friends who love me ( and I them) and I feel happy with that. My children are doing well. DS is wonderful and going to uni next year. DD - slightly harder work but also wonderful.
I think back on how hard things were back then... And now... Look at us!
Your OP is fantastic.
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