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To feel physically sickened about what happened today? DD's 'father' (who she's never met!) is one of the staff members at her after school club!

(176 Posts)
ScaryWary Fri 08-Feb-13 00:49:14

I'm still in shock, so sorry if this turns out to be a bit of a ramble. Not spoken to anyone in RL about this yet today, as every time i mention him to friends/family, they just rant and name call, whereas i need a sensible, outside perspective.

DD (just turned 5yo) has started going to a sports club in the gym hall after school for an hour on Thursdays.

Today was the first session.

When i went and picked her up, i noticed my ex - dd's father - was one of the sport coaches/staff members. He was dealing with the register and ticking off the kids' names as parents came for them. I didn't even recognise him for a moment. I called on dd then turned to tell him her name (so he could mark her off the register) and that's when we both seemed to recognise each other.

He looked terrified. Looked at me, then dd briefly, then turned away to another parent who was telling him to mark her child's name from the register.

I grabbed dd and bolted home with her.

She had no idea who he was. He, it would seem, had no idea who she was until he saw me and put two and two together. They'd spent an hour together not knowing who each other was.

I'm now sickened and in shock. I can't believe this has happened.

He is a vile, horrible man (well, he was to me anyway). He was abusive in our relationship, mostly emotionally, would force/blackmail me into having sex with him, called me names, hit me twice, trashed my flat one time because i was delayed amswering the buzzer to him (i was vaccuuming so couldn't hear it).

When dd was born, his anger problems worsened. I begged him to get help, he didn't. He'd invite his friends round to my flat, get drunk, while i was expected to look after newborn dd.

He was drunk one night and almost dropped her down the stairs when she was 3 days old. I burst into tears and he got angry with me for crying and 'making him feel bad'. He shoved me against the wall while i was holding her.

He left. A few days later, he was round for a visit (trying to make excuses for his behaviour/apologise etc). Stupidly, i agreed to let him stay the night on the sofa. DD was not sleeping through. She was crying all night. Partner stormed upstairs yelling at her to shut the fuck up, picked her up and started shaking her, screaming 'you've been fed and changed - what the fuck else do you want?'

I told him to leave. Only when i threatened to go to the police did he finally go.

The police visited me in the morning. They said it would be hard to press charges as it would be my word against his. I had taken dd to the docs that morning too and she was fine, no marks etc. He only shook her a little, not enough to leave physical evidence.

Anyway, never saw him again after that. He never made contact, and i never bothered to look him up. I changed dd's surname back to mine when she was 18months old, and gave her a new middle name, hoping this would stop him being able to locate her easily (e.g. seeing her name randomly in the local newspaper etc).

So today is the first time i've seen him since dd was a few days old.

What do i do? DD has autism, and her father's brother has it too. I can remember ex and his vile mother calling the brother horrid disabilist names, slapping him, telling him he's an idiot, teasing him about how he'll never have a normal life etc.

This man is an animal. No matter how much i complained in the past about his antics, it was always my word against his, so he has a clean police record. He was very clever.

Due to dd's autism, she finds social situations difficult. When i read the info pack for this sports club i thought it would be the making of her! She has been looking forward to it for weeks. She'll be heartbroken if i take her out of it for no (apparent) reason.

I'm so confused. This man shouldn't be teaching in schools He shouldn't be around kids. Especially mine. But i'll look like a maniac if i go into the school and reveal his past when i have no proof.

What if this makes him suddenly decide he wants to be a part in dd's life? What if he tries to make contact?

I feel scared about taking her to school tomorrow. After i'd left, he could have went and spoke to the Head about dd for all i know. He could request to see her school record etc. I feel so powerless. How can a man - a stranger to dd - be allowed to just waltz back into her life so easily?

DD is desperate for a father figure. I've never had another relationship since her father (who was my first). I think she notices she's the only child in her class with no dad. SHe constantly quizzes me about him. I try to give honest, neutral answers. 'He didn't want to be a dad' 'He and Mummy didn't get on very well.' 'Your very lucky because you have a mummy, and some people don't have mums or dads at all.'

If she ever got wind of that man being her father, she'd be all over him like a rash.

My stomach is in knots.

Told you this would be a ramble.

Any update OP?

MrsDeVere Mon 11-Feb-13 21:23:25

Not here. Its next week.

colditz Mon 11-Feb-13 20:48:57

Isn't it half term?

zipzap Mon 11-Feb-13 20:38:30

Another one here who was wondering how today went - hope school took your worries seriously and have put some serious measures in place to allay them.

Newyearoldmum Mon 11-Feb-13 19:32:45

Have you spoken to the head today? Hope you get this sorted.

Mazzledazzle Sat 09-Feb-13 14:24:35

Gosh what an awful situation to be in. Haven't read the whole thread, but you need to talk to either your daughter's teacher or head teacher - I work in a school and this is definitely something the school should be aware of.

Write it down and have the note in front of you if it helps, or talk over the phone. Explain that you don't expect any action to be taken against your ex, but you want them to be aware for your daughter's sake.

In Scotland, even if he has a clean record, if he has been questioned by police it will appear on an enhanced disclosure, which you must have to work in a school.

Or you could go to the police? The slightest wiff of trouble and most schools would suspend him immediately or try to transfer him.

Nightmare for you. Hugs.

RedHelenB Sat 09-Feb-13 13:31:26

Oh ok I see what you mean zipzap.

mirry2 Sat 09-Feb-13 12:09:09

Itsalloingtobefine- an investigation seems a sensible course of action, however what happens if they find nothing?

ItsAllGoingToBeFine Sat 09-Feb-13 11:54:08

I am not an expert, but I would have thought the school/LA should take your accusations very seriously, and launch an investigation into your XP (and probably suspend him whilst taking place)

I'm pretty sure the deputy head can't just fob you off, this is a safeguarding issue, and there are concrete procedures in place if an accusation is made.

LilQueenie Sat 09-Feb-13 11:29:05

report him get him out of there. Tell other parents whatever it takes. I would NOT be happy about him being there or you keeping quiet about this if my kid were attending. He shook your daughter he should not be working with kids. Anyone who said they would do nothing I hope to god you never commented on the baby P case.

zipzap Sat 09-Feb-13 11:20:56

No RedHelen sorry, not trying to say that the dd shouldn't trust the deputy head at all. apologies if that's what you thought I meant, dangers of typing when tired! When I was saying about telling the dd not to trust a teacher I meant the xp rather than the deputy head.

But tied in with that, I was trying to say that although there shouldn't be any chance for the xp to talk alone to the dd when in a supervised class session, (assuming the xp doesn't decide to announce it/mention it in passing when talking to the group - you hope that he wouldn't for the sake of his job but you never know) merely the fact that the dd is in the group with this man isn't good. Because the longer she is in the group, the more she will see the man in front of her as the rest of her classmates do - a nice, jolly teacher who runs a sports club that she likes, and therefore she is likely to see him as a nice, trustworthy man that she can depend on and somebody who is a safe adult.

If the xp does decide to get involved in her life, then the dd is already going to 'like' her daddy as she discovers that it's nice mr XX from school sports club, it's not a complete stranger that she's going to feel wary about meeting. She's going to wonder why her mummy kept her away from somebody who seems such a nice man and who everybody in her class likes and trusts. She's not going to see him with open eyes or realise what a monster he has been to her in the past.

If a teacher says to you 'your mum asked me to take you home today' then you tend to believe them - and with all the other teachers in the school if they said that to the dd then she would do what they say and go with them. However there is now one teacher (ie the xp) that the mum has got to tell the dd that she mustn't go with, even if the teacher tells her 'your mum asked me to take you home today' she must now say NO to. Or what happens if he is going around the class doing some 1 on 1 coaching - just for a moment or two for each child to get them to do something well - what happens when it is her turn? She's going to notice that she doesn't get a go (if the supervision is done well) or just that there's something hinkey regarding her and this teacher that there isn't for any other pupil and this teacher and that is going to get her asking why?

with regard to the deputy, I guess I was trying to say that she should have realised that in situations such as this, regardless of what she thought of the mother's claims or the xp, she had to take the mother's claims seriously there and then because she had no way of knowing if they were true or not. And the consequences of assuming they were not true unless proven otherwise (or even just until the head teacher was there) could be really serious and not undone - regardless of the fact that the xp was CRB checked. If they had all been false (and I don't think for a moment they were) then she would just have had to apologise to the xp for keeping a child out of his lesson. Much better than having to explain to the OP that they are sorry they didn't believe her but they do now because the xp has told her dd that he is her father or that the xp has taken her home with him!

Hopefully that's clearer...

thefarmersintheden Sat 09-Feb-13 08:06:26

He forced you to have sex wit h him? sad sad

I'm so sorry, you sound like you have had a terrible experience. It is not too late to report him to the police, they are duty bound to investiagte an allegation of rape, no matter how old. Whether or not that is a road you feel you want to go down is a other thing.

RedHelenB Sat 09-Feb-13 07:52:59

Are you saying that dd's daughter can't trust the deputy head ZipZap? Because actually that is a very wrong thing to say as anything of concern coming from a child would have to go to the relevant safeguarding person. Let's get some perspective, a supervised activity with multiple children & teachers present would be no danger to dd's daughter as she had said there would be no opportunity for him to speak to her on her own.

zipzap Fri 08-Feb-13 23:39:57

What a complete nightmare to find yourself in op - and then to find it compounded today by finding your xp at your dd's school. horrendous.

At least you spotted him last night - if she hadn't gone to the club yesterday and if you had been on time today, she might have seen him today at the school thing he was doing and you would have been none the wiser whereas he might have spotted you walking away from school or clicked that your dd was also his dd.

I think the others are right - it is worth telling the head teacher the basics of the background but also to put it a bit more strongly - that is to say that given the history of DV he already has against your child that not only do you want her kept away from him and not in any sessions or rooms that he is in, but you are explicitly stating that they have a duty of care to your dd and that you will hold her and the rest of the staff responsible if they do not comply with your requests to safeguard your child from her previous abuser. Strong terms to phrase it in - yes. But hopefully it will make the point and if you actively name people and make a paper trail which show that you have told them he has abused her in the past then should there ever be a problem in the future, they are not going to be able to pretend they didn't know anything about it. Likewise all the staff need to make sure that they don't let the cat out of the bag about

I would also talk to the police - see if they can give you a crime number from previously and see if it is too late to activate the claim or have it formally registered - at the time say you felt pressured not to as you explained here and see what they say. Also I believe you can get them to put a note against your address to say that there potentially might be problems and explain, so that if you call them, they will see that they need to get to you quickly rather than either dismiss you or think that they can get to your house tomorrow rather than right now.

A completely separate issue that hasn't been mentioned is how your dd is going to see her dad. At the moment he is a stranger to her - except now, he isn't. He's one of her teachers (albeit for a club, thank god he's not a full time teacher at the school) - one that runs the sports club she likes and that makes them all laugh and do fun sporty games, so probably a teacher that she will like and her friends will like.

Added to that - we tell young children that teachers are not strangers, they are safe people to go to or go with and that you always need to do what they say.

Except now - you need to find a way to explain to your dd that there is just one teacher that she shouldn't trust and shouldn't go with if he tells her to (unless the school do let her go to these sort of sessions regardless of your wishes, in which case she is going to have to do what she is told by him or get told off for being naughty etc). All of which means so many different levels of confusion for her - and potential for your dd to discover who her dad is whether intentionally or not - by you, your xp, members of staff etc etc

And finally - definitely complain about the deputy's atrocious handling of your complaint today. Given the seriousness of the accusations - she should have taken it very seriously. Last night your xp would have been taken by surprise, today he will have had a night to mull on it and so might have been tempted to do something rash like talk to your dd about who he was or heaven forbid, to take her away with him. Thank goodness - those didn't seem to happen from your post - but the thing is, the deputy had no way of knowing in advance if they would or wouldn't. She might have met him before and thought he was a nice man - doesn't matter. She needed to take your concerns so seriously because the timings meant that it was potentially a really risky time and she dismissed them. It's easy enough if things worked out ok to cut back and let the xp teach your dd again if you do manage to work things out or he gets a court order or whatever. But this is the critical time that if something had gone wrong, you wouldn't be able to change things. (sorry, hope that's clear). And by being in the class with him teaching, it's another opportunity for her to see him as the nice safe teacher and develop memories of him as that, rather than as her absentee abusing father. There's a reason to keep her away from him in lesson situations, you're not requesting this just for the heck of it!

Good luck op - sounds like you are going to have a horrible and busy few days ahead of you, but I hope you manage to get this resolved and to keep this man out of her life.

Hissy Fri 08-Feb-13 17:39:00

I agree the situation needs sorting, poor OP's terrified though, it's so tangible as to feel it)

Referring to abuse as Anger Management issues is however something I will never agree on, and neither should it ever be referred to as such.

WilsonFrickett Fri 08-Feb-13 16:23:15

It completely depends where the OP lives WRT to her changing schools. There are 6 primary schools within a reasonable commute of here, all of them are visited by the same sports activity club. Van is right - the issue has to be sorted once and for all.

squeaver Fri 08-Feb-13 16:07:47

CRB checks are now, in fact, called DBS checks. The new legislation was in response to the Huntley case.

Information here

mirry2 Fri 08-Feb-13 15:30:13

Hissy - I am referring to the op's first post 'When dd was born, his anger problems worsened. I begged him to get help.'
I am not victim blaming. I am responding to the ops statement, so please don't get arsey with me.

captainmummy Fri 08-Feb-13 15:21:21

CRB checks are useless- they onlystate that the person does not have a criminal record (for as long as records were kept).
Ian Huntley had a clear CBR.sad

VanCampsPorknBeans Fri 08-Feb-13 15:11:12

Hissy, the OP cannot just run. The disruption will not be good for dd - plus the problem will follow her. It's time to get the matter sorted. Get legal representation and then make some informed decisions. And talk to the ex about the matter in a public place (if afraid). The OP cannot change the fact that the ex is her dd's father. The OP will have to get tough and deal with him in an upfront manner.

Hissy Fri 08-Feb-13 15:04:47

"You had some nasty experiences five years ago (I assume that's the approximate age of your child) but he may well addressed his poor anger managementand drinking habits since you last knew him."

Can we just establish that domestic violence, as clearly described by the OP, is NOT an anger fecking management issue.

Let's stop the minimisation, denial and victim blaming right here and now.

DD has a right to protection from harm, or potential harm. I'll say that trumps the right to have contact with a Twat of the highest order, no matter his relationship to her.

Hissy Fri 08-Feb-13 15:00:18

This is terrible, I agree that your DD needs to kept out of school until you speak to the HT, and furthermore, seeing as there is no evidence of what and who he is, you need to move schools. ASAP.

TheSecondComing Fri 08-Feb-13 14:58:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MariusEarlobe Fri 08-Feb-13 14:55:42

Can I just ask what a crb checks for because my exhs fiance just passed an advanced crb and she had seven children removed, four adopted to new parents and the other three put with family for severe neglect.

ohmeohmy Fri 08-Feb-13 14:46:16

If it hasn't been said already one of the school governors will have responsibility for safeguarding.

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