Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Was I wrong and what do I do now. I can't think straight

(83 Posts)

Hi all

I've been with dp for 9 years we have dd 4( nearly 5)

I have a history of abusive partners but dp has never been anything but safe

He had a very tough time when dd was born, I've posted about it before but after 2 very bad years I thought we were through it and for the last 2 years he had been a good dad

Over the weekend dd didn't want to get dressed ( back ground she had the night before been give a new set if pjs they where pink with hearts a hood and built in feet plus they where über soft) anyway I had been explaining to dd that if she didn't get changed she couldn't go out to the park

Dp came into the room listened for 5 secs and lost the plot he got down on her face a bodily screamed at her for maybe 2 mins ie as long as it took me to standup and walk over to them. I said stop you are frightening her ( he was frightening me) and tried to get between them and dp push me back and screamed in my face to back him up or go away. He then picked dd up and ran up stairs with her and continued to scream at her and then I heard him slap her

I went up stairs and managed to convince do to let me get dd dressed he wondered about shocking socks on her ect and then went down stairs and didn't speak to me or dd and we left 30 min later after I had calm dd down

Now later on dp and I had a chat and I told him I was reconsidering our relationship and he told me I was over reacting and that what he did was my fault

Dp did not have a good childhood

But I don't know what I think or feel at the moment I feel panicky if I have to leave dd and dp alone together

frustratedworkingmum Sat 02-Feb-13 20:22:50

oh god, your OP has made me feel ill - please tell me you are getting away from this cunt of a man

frustratedworkingmum Sat 02-Feb-13 20:26:07

oh jut read that you have sent him away THANK GOD! he is a danger to your daughter - he will hurt her, physically and emotionally - you are so so brave, please call womens aid who will be able to give you rl advice and support. We are all here for you too - so so brave, a fantasic mum This man isnt worth the shit off your shoe

You have done the right thing. You know you have, he's just been working on you long enough to make you doubt yourself.

His parting shot shows what an utter piece of shit he is. He made sure to make you doubt yourself so you wouldn't experience the joy and freedom of being away from him. Of not living in fear that your dd will step out of line and get slapped around again.

This is not a good man mummy. Well done for having him leave. Please make it longer than a few days!

missbea Sun 03-Feb-13 00:28:30

((hugs))

You've done the right thing - you know you have. Well done. That must have taken such strength and bravery. When you marry, you want it to be to someone who you know loves you (and your children), that you feel safe with, cherished by and respected by. It doesn't sound as though your partner is that person. Nothing he says can excuse his behaviour - and no-one is to blame but him.

You are doing everything you can to protect yourself and your daughter. There are people here who have much more wisdom and advice to offer than i can, but since I read your post I've been worrying about you and your DD. Please, stay strong and keep reaching out for help. You and your daughter deserve to feel safe and secure.

Lueji Sun 03-Feb-13 00:56:45

You have definitely done the right thing.

He says I've been very irritable this year and it's made him angry
Even if that is true, who gives him the right to take it on a 4 year old girl?

And when you see your DD upset that daddy is gone, remember how upset she was when he took her upstairs, slapped her and screamed at her. Which is worse?
You may want to reassure her that he didn't leave because of her. That's very important. It may be why she's upset, not that he is away per se.
That you have sent him away because he is too angry and you were scared of him, for example.

For your sake and your DD's I hope you do not allow him back.
If you do, he'll feel he can get away with such behaviour.
And if you marry him, you are consenting to these actions.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 03-Feb-13 01:49:40

My word you moved fast, excellent. I know it isn't easy and of course, to save face this guy will blame everyone but himself. Putting distance between you is a good start. He may alternate between anger or resentment, to wheedling or smooth talking.

Your DD is only young, she'll know when there's an atmosphere and feel insecure if grown ups pack and leave BUT you're there, you are her rock. Keep her occupied try not to let her see you anxious or stressed. Cuddle and reassure her. Fake it 'til you make it.

Don't waste time dwelling on anything he said in temper. Look forward, get support.

Jux Sun 03-Feb-13 02:05:26

"9 years is good going for not losing his temper"??????? shock So when he did, he was entitled to?

It's been a hard year, so he's allowed to behave like that? My mum and my little brother died 6 weeks apart, less than 6 months after my friend died. That was a hard year too. I didn't go around screaming at children and slapping them though. As far as I can tell, his hard year was a hard year for you too. Did you scream at children and slap them?

No, of course you didn't. You're not an abusive person.

Whereas he is a FuckWit of the First Order. And an abuser.

Your dd will be fine. She is 4 and will soon get over your FW's departure.

In short, yes you are doing the right thing!

KeatsiePie Sun 03-Feb-13 10:39:53

He was completely 100% in the wrong with no qualifications whatsoever. There is absolutely no mitigating factor in the slapping of a four-year-old. Good for you. Read up on abuse, your rights etc. slowly, as you feel able, and in the meantime just keep him out. Well done, keep it up, you can do it.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now