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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Is it over?

19 replies

Memom · 30/01/2013 12:02

I think I want my husband to leave.

We have a beautiful, much wanted one year old and my two teenagers.

BUT I'm not sure I love him enough to put up with the fact he shows me no affection although he thinks he does! I feel he has become a child, a child I don't want!

I care for him and want him to be well and happy but can't see us growing old together. He says he is happy but you certainly can't tell he is happy. No expression of happiness is ever shown. Each time we talk about how I feel he says he's happy so not to worry.

Is this marriage? Do I just accept this is how it is?

OP posts:

Report

DeckSwabber · 30/01/2013 12:10

Has he always been like this?

Memom · 30/01/2013 12:15

I really don't know. I think perhaps 'the real him' is this person I have now and before he was wooing me

OP posts:

PureQuintessence · 30/01/2013 12:18

" Each time we talk about how I feel he says he's happy so not to worry."

But what about your happiness? You clearly are not happy. What does he have to say about that?

Memom · 30/01/2013 12:22

His reply is always 'stop worrying, nothing is wrong' but I feel it's wrong! We don't talk like we used to, we certainly don't laugh like we used to and there is certainly less affection.

Maybe I want too much?!?

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/01/2013 13:08

What do you want? A cheerful or affectionate husband doesn't sound like too much to ask... 'Stop worrying' is not a discussion, it's a blocking tactic. If you're unhappy and he won't even engage with you, it's very frustrating.

tumbletumble · 30/01/2013 13:16

Maybe he isn't a very affectionate person... does he show that he cares in other ways? Eg doing nice things for you without being asked? Wanting to spend time with you?

Memom · 30/01/2013 13:22

Frustrating it it!! And deeply upsetting.

He WAS affectionate, he was always wanting to hug or be close, snuggle up on the sofa, hold hands. Talk about our future - but now he manages holding hands if I've had a moan about the lack of affection but within a day or two it's gone again.

He loves his iPhone and iPad but I don't get shown the same love.

Maybe I have to put up and shut up!

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/01/2013 13:40

Of course you don't have to put up and shut up. Any significant change in behaviour shouldn't just be brushed under the carpet. How long have you known each other?

Memom · 30/01/2013 14:01

I've known him for 5 years and married almost 4.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/01/2013 14:37

And how long has it been since the sofa-snuggling him disappeared?

Memom · 30/01/2013 15:41

Looking back I think the 'problem' started just before our baby was born.

He wanted a child so badly, I thought this would make his world complete.

I'm going to have to talk to him again tonight.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/01/2013 15:49

Parenthood changes people. His 'I'm all right Jack' approach might just be that he now feels so comfortable and 'safe' in the relationship that he doesn't think he has to keep making an effort. He may feel marginalised by the arrival of the baby. Could simply be that he's taking you for granted. Good luck with the talk.

Memom · 31/01/2013 09:25

Well I tried and I'm even more confused!

He says he loves me and our family. He thought he showed his feelings all time time. I explained that he doesn't show any feelings and I feel unloved to the point I feel out marriage is over and he replied, as predicted with 'don't worry nothing is wrong'

I talked, listened, cried and talked some more and still I can't get through to him what it's like. I have become his mum or sister

How can this progress? It is clearly all my problem

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/01/2013 09:30

It's not all your problem but I think you have to be specific about what it is you want from him and how you want him to behave. People express love in different ways but what you want is not alien to him because it's how he used to behave. I'm in a relationship with a rather gruff but lovely man that does not 'do mush' as he puts it. So we have an agreement that when I say .... 'I need mush'.... he'll do/say something mushy. Bit contrived, I grant you, but keeps us both on the same page. Sounds to me that you have to speak up similarly and tell him what you need.

Anniegetyourgun · 31/01/2013 09:47

How can he possibly say nothing is wrong? Here are two people married to each other and one of them is not happy. However happy the other one may be, there's still 50% of them not happy. So yeah, there's something wrong.

Hopefully Cogito is right that he's one of those men who doesn't get that affection is an ongoing thing you show, rather than just a necessary but unsustainable part of courtship, but is willing to learn. After all he must have enjoyed all that snuggling and stuff at the time, presumably. I wonder whether his parents were very undemonstrative to each other so he had a rather cold example of what marriage should be like. It's not undignified, unmanly, childish or anything like that to be physically affectionate with your own spouse - and it's downright unkind to refuse it if it would make them happy. For the sake of balance, I will also add that it is unkind to chase someone around grabbing at them if being undemonstrative is the way they are; personal space is very important to some people (I'm one of those). But it's a dirty trick to pretend to be one way and then revert to type when you've got 'em hooked.

If he isn't amenable to meeting you half-way on this, it may be time to reconsider your future together. How good is your marriage apart from this lack of demonstrations of affection? No need to answer here if you don't want to, just ponder it for yourself.

Memom · 31/01/2013 11:08

I feel betrayed, he was so loving and affectionate, he certainly did hook me! He always passes comments about people (male friends) that are cold and don't show affection. Only at the weekend he commented that his brother was 'cold' and that's why his marriage failed.

I can't help think he wants the ideal home life just instead of being on his own - he pushed for marriage quickly and trying for a baby.

I told him I felt it better if he had time away from me to decide if our relationship was what he really wanted and he said he couldn't think of anything he'd rather do!

I'm so confused.

Thank you all for your opinions, it's helped to know I don't feel so different to others!

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/01/2013 11:25

"he pushed for marriage quickly and trying for a baby"

That always gets alarm bells ringing for me. All nicey nicey until the feet are under the table and you're stuck with a baby and then think they can take you for granted and switch off. Of course he's happy and can't think of anything better to do. His life's fine. 'I'm all right Jack'. Sounds like you may have to do something drastic or he'll just stay in his groove and you'll never budge him.

Memom · 31/01/2013 21:57

Another evening of talking and I'm still stuck with his response 'stop worrying there isn't anything wrong'.

I asked if he'd be happy living like this for the next 50 years - he said 100% yes!

I guess I have some thinking to do

OP posts:

Doha · 01/02/2013 00:00

More the point memom would you be happy living like this for the net 50 years?

Well then you have your answer..

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