Am I being oversensitive?

[Icanonlytry]

I am upset so hope this makes sense.
Have been with dp for 13 years, had our ups and downs but on the whole very happy with our 2 children.
When we first got together it was only a bit of fun, we had known each other for a couple of years but only as acquaintances, then we both split up from our ex's and went out for a few drinks to cheer each other up.
I always thought it was a bit odd that his ex would glare at me and give me dirty looks whenever I saw her ( only bumped into her whilst shopping etc and although I wasn't expecting to be friends with her I didn't see a reason for her to dislike me)
Anyway about two months ago we had been out for a drink and two of our friends came back to our house. dp was telling a story about something that happened years ago, when we had been together about 6months, i have heard the story 100 times before so wasn't really listening until he added in the fact that he was with another girl that night (i had been suspicious at the time but he assured me nothing had happened and I believed him)
I was drunk so said
" oh thats nice, thanks for sharing that, shame you have never mentioned that part of the story before" (sarcastically)
his reply was "yes I was with her, I was also seeing (his ex) as well" (very matter of fact)
I was gutted and Obviously embarrassed.
Friend (trying to diffuse the situation) said "well it was early on and he did choose you"
Dp said "not really she just fell pregnant so that made my choice for me"

I know this makes him sound awful but this is totally out of character for him, never seen him like that before. I tried to forget about it and enjoy xmas but now I am really upset about it. I don't think he remembers saying this and I stupidly haven't mentioned it ( i think because I am in denial and I also feel a bit embarrassed) but now I Feel like my whole life is a lie and he is only with me because I fell pregnant (11 years ago). He didn't want me to have the baby at first but I said I would not have an abortion and he could choose to stay with me and the baby or I would do it on my own. He quickly decided to stand by me and is a fantastic father to our two children but it makes sense now why he wasn't keen at first and why his ex has always been funny with me, if he was seeing her as well she probably ( understandably) thought thy were getting back together.

I really don't know how to get over this, it was 12 years ago so feels stupid to be so upset but I cant keep it bottled up anymore. I have no reason to suspect he has cheated since but at the same time have always believed 'once a cheater always a cheater'
Is he only with me because he loves our children too much to leave?

[deleted203]

I think you need to sit down calmly with DP and tell him what he said and how much it upset you. Tell him that it has left you feeling as though he 'settled' for you and see what his reaction is. This is something you need to talk over though, rather than burying your head in the sand, or it will eat away at you.

[Moanranger]

If your marriage was pretty good before this revelation, then I think you need to sit down and have a talk with him about how you feel. If it is historic, and you have since developed a good relationship, it is less threatening. However, your feelings need to be aired - you have a right to these - and he needs to come clean, and also re-affirm his feelings for you.

[Icanonlytry]

Thanks, was half expecting everyone to say Ltb :-).
I know I can't keep it to myself but I just don't know how to bring it up.
We arent married, which is another thing that's making me think he is staying for his love of the children not me. Surely after 13 years and two children I should have at least had a proposal?

[Charbon]

It's not stupid to be upset about this at all and I think you're wrong to isolate this as a historic hurt. Saying this at all - but especially in front of your friends is a current hurt and it could not be anything other than hurtful and humiliating.

What's his behaviour been like recently towards you? I'm wondering whether anything is going on now, for him to have had this outburst.

[Icanonlytry]

Things have been great, had our fair share of ups and downs over the years but nothing serious and nothing for the last few years other than mild work stress making him grumpy or me being a bit moody with work, family life or Pmt but nothing we haven't forgotten about almost as soon as it started.
He was very drunk and although we quite often share a bottle of wine or have a drink in the evening we don't drink like that very often and he doesn't handle lots of alcohol very well.

[Charbon]

I don't think things can be that great to be honest if you've been bottling up telling him how hurt you were about his deceit and his humiliating admission in front of your friends. Or that he didn't wake up the following day and come to you straight away to say how sorry he was. Neither do I think a relationship is ever very open, honest and mature if one of you is sitting around waiting for a proposal of marriage. If you wanted to get married, what has prevented you from discussing it?

[AThingInYourLife]

So he cheats on you, lies to you, and humiliates you in public?

I'd be gone.

[Icanonlytry]

I have been bottling it up because I am scared to say anything incase he tells me he has never loved me and we end up separating. I really dint think he remembers saying anything. He was very drunk and can't remember even getting home.
We have talked about getting married but I am a traditional type of lady who wants hi to propose rather than getting engaged
after a discussion.

[Xales]

So he has actually lied as he denied the second OW until now. Plus you find out you may technically have been the first OW as he was still with his ex. Finally he only stayed with you for the kids.

No wonder you feel like you have been smacked with a sledgehammer!

I would find this hard to forgive and forget definitely not in just over a month.

[Icanonlytry]

Athinginyourlife that is exactly what would have happened if I had found out about it when it happened 12 years ago. Doesn't seem right to end a relationship especially when two young children are involved 12 years after it happened?

[Icanonlytry]

Xales you've hit the nail on the head there

[AThingInYourLife]

It didn't happen 12 years ago, it happened a month ago.

Your entire relationship is built on lies.

[Charbon]

I'm afraid that 'traditional types of ladies' often partner themselves with 'traditional types of men' which is what by the sounds of it, you've got here. An old-fashioned sexist who jokes about screwing around, deceiving 3 women and being trapped by his own impregnations.

This is him now - not 12 years ago.

[Icanonlytry]

So in my position would you leave him because of this, even though I am sure there is no one else now? Feel like I am watching someone else's life, I'm ok when ds or dd are here but now they are in bed I am falling apart.

[Charbon]

No, what I would do is to sit down and have a conversation about all the lies your relationship was founded on and critically, his feelings and commitment towards you now. But more importantly, I'd also be examining how I felt about a person who'd lied to me for 12 years and thought it was okay to blurt out the truth in front of others and even when offered a life raft by an embarrassed friend, rejected it in favour of adding a further insult.

Avoiding what might be the painful truth here won't progress anything. But it seems improbable to me that a man who was that entitled and deceitful 12 years ago has been exemplary in that respect until the more recent drunken confession. It seems far more likely to me that he has always been a selfish arse but that you've bargained away various things because you thought he was committed to you and loved you - plus you've got some old-fashioned ideas about men needing to be men (hence waiting for a proposal) and what women should accept as their lot in life.

[Icanonlytry]

it's so hard when everyone thinks you have the perfect life and I am trying to keep smiling for the sake of my babies.
I am always the one that is there to listen and help other people with their problems and now I need some support and there is no one. I feel so alone.