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The OW seeking details/trying to pass a message...

(121 Posts)
wrinklyraisin Mon 28-Jan-13 13:57:56

What would you do if you found out the woman your OH cheated with, a year ago now, was fishing around for details and trying to pass messages to your OH through a mutual friend? My OH has no desire at all to have any direct contact with her. But the mutual friend has no clue what happened last year so keeps talking to him about how she's doing (terribly as it happens, yay for karma!) and I want her to know that I know what she's up to and me and my OH are a team working together NOT to let her infiltrate our life again. But at the same time we don't want our mutual friend to know any of the gruesome details of what happened. We just want her to stop fishing iyswim? Am I out of order for sending her a polite and concise email saying what I've said above? And copying it to her husband too? My OH has worked very hard to undo the damage he did and he wants her to back off and stop using an innocent mutual friend as a go between. He agrees an email from BOTH of us to her, showing a united front, is the way to go. I just want her up crawl back under her rock. Her life and marriage is shit but that's not our problem and my OH will not be her fantasy escape route again.

Badvoc Tue 29-Jan-13 20:45:39

Sounds like a positive outcome.
Glad you are happy with it.

AnyFucker Tue 29-Jan-13 20:45:15

he is very lucky to have you, WR

wrinklyraisin Tue 29-Jan-13 20:26:43

Thank you charbon. I agree. We are ordinary people who are happy together and this affair shocked both of us really. It wasn't actively sought out. And I'm pretty certain it would not have happened without a random course of events in the few days beforehand. I've realized it really can happen to anyone and it doesn't automatically mean the end of life as we knew it.

Charbon Tue 29-Jan-13 20:17:43

That's a really positive outcome OP.

As I often observe, affairs like your husband's are much more common than people think. So often we hear about the extremes; the serial philanderers or the love matches and yet the most common affairs IME are ones involving ordinary men or women who live an exemplary life, but succumb to a short but fairly meaningless interlude that serves to make them briefly feel better about themselves at a particular time in their lives.

Good luck to you both and hope that your relationship and you as individuals go from strength to strength.

wrinklyraisin Tue 29-Jan-13 20:04:28

Yep. Me too. Life's just a big long learning curve isn't it.

AnyFucker Tue 29-Jan-13 19:58:36

You don't have to convince us, WR smile

Hopefully the next time your husband encounters a threat to his integrity, he deals with it unilaterally, firmly and unequivocally. I hope he continues to learn those lessons.

Viviennemary Tue 29-Jan-13 19:47:49

Didn't see your DH had already contacted her. Hope you sort things out.

Viviennemary Tue 29-Jan-13 19:45:17

I'd just tell the mutual friend that this person is not somebody you or your DH wants to be involved with or have contact with in any way whatsoever. And to please stop passing messages on. There is no need to give any details. Just say she is not the sort of person you want to hear anything about or have anything about you passed on. And let him draw his own conclusions.

wrinklyraisin Tue 29-Jan-13 19:39:38

He's not perfect, my dear OH. I know he fucked up. He knows he fucked up. But I chose to stay and he is honestly trying to rebuild my trust. He showers me with love/attention. He doesn't make excuses for himself. He doesn't ever tell me to shut up when I need a rant. He knows this is a very lucky and rarely given second chance. Of course I wish he'd not had the opportunity or wherewithal to hop in the sack. But what's done is done and together we have decided our life together is worth the work needed to get past the cheating. Some men are serial cheaters. He's not. He was stupid not cruel/calculating. He's working on his flaws by acknowledging them and seeking help when he needs to. If I ever suspected he would do this again I wouldn't be here. We are perhaps an example of how it's not always the right answer to ltb. At least not right for us.

Hissy Tue 29-Jan-13 19:30:28

I agree.

I guess there are 2 approaches with dealing with adultery; to stay, or to go.

You've chosen to stay, and I admire anyone who can do that, as it surely has to be the hardest path to take.

I'm glad he manned up and wrote the emails, it shows that from now on, he can handle the fallout, and leave you to recover over time.

Ultimately, you'll probably have to distance yourselves fromthe 'friend' too, as I'm still picking up a fishing rod there.

Your H and you need to concentrate and focus on the stuff you have together, what makes you both happy, find your collective bliss and all that.

I very much hope you can turn the page, and that he lives up to the standard that you so richly deserve.

AnyFucker Tue 29-Jan-13 19:20:11

they sound great, WR. smile

wrinklyraisin Tue 29-Jan-13 19:18:02

Oh and he wrote both emails without my input and blind cc'ed me when he sent them.

wrinklyraisin Tue 29-Jan-13 19:17:17

Yep. Two emails sent last night. One to OW saying:

"Please do not attempt to contact me whether directly or indirectly. I am not interested in hearing anything from you or about you. Any further contact will be forwarded directly to your husband."

And one to the mutual friend along the lines of we understand he is friends with OW and her family but due to private circumstances we are not interested in hearing about them or having details about our life given to them, so we would very much appreciate him being more discrete and not mentioning us to them or vice versa. He replied saying he was sad if something had happened but yes of course he would respect our request.

A good if a little long winded outcome. I did tell him to feel free and take action about stuff like this if he knew it was the right thing to do. I said I'm not his mother or his conscience that he needed to show me he's able to act quickly and decisively to protect us from threats or intrusions into our private life. He agreed. So that's that, and I'm glad he's learned something about himself that balls aren't just for decoration.

Thanks again for all your advice smile

AnyFucker Tue 29-Jan-13 18:07:58

Any movement with anything, OP ?

Has your husband sorted it ?

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 29-Jan-13 17:49:16

badvoc - I think you are being a tad OTT hmm

I do get the buzz that comes with an affair and this is why affairs are usually all about the cheater's issues. They need to look into themselves to find out what was in them that made them crave that feeling....

Badvoc Tue 29-Jan-13 10:46:44

I am sure your H is being honest when he describes his actions as addictive.
The thrill must be intense I imagine.
But that's the thing.
It is addictive.
And addicts find it hard to give up. They crave the buzz. They often fall off the wagon.
Keep that in mind op.
I do wonder if your Hs hand wringing and refusal to deal with the messages are another way for him to get a thrill?
I dont know.
I really hope that things work out for you x

2rebecca Tue 29-Jan-13 08:11:42

Agree with AF that your partner just needs to tell anyone who passes on message from this woman that he no longer speaks to her, doesn't want to pass on any messages and doesn't want to discuss it. He then has no need to tell you about these discussions creating dramas out of nothing.
I wonder if his amdram tendencies have made him create a fuss needlessly where he is highly sought after and wants you to know it.

Badvoc Tue 29-Jan-13 08:02:14

Yep.
Feeble is the word sad

wrinklyraisin Mon 28-Jan-13 21:07:42

Another thing my OH took a while to admit to, but finally did, is that the rush he got that one weekend was addictive. Which is why he went back for seconds less than 24hrs later. It was like an escapist fantasy where nothing was real and nothing had consequences. Until they were found out and the reality of what he did was like a huge sucker punch.

So yes I do think people get caught up in the rush and don't think about what they're doing til it's too late.

I've asked him time and time again whether he'd want that rush again. His answer is not any more as the thought of losing me and what we have is way more important and the rush is so fleeting. He'd never felt that rush before but it's like cocaine. It can only lead to a bad dark place. He loves me too much to risk us for that dark place and he's so sorry he ever went there.

It's not a good excuse and it sounds kind of feeble. But at least he's trying to voice his thoughts and feelings. If we are to keep working at this it's important to me to hear what his brain is up to. Even if I don't agree with it at times.

wrinklyraisin Mon 28-Jan-13 21:04:18

Another thing my OH took a while to admit to, but finally did, is that the rush he got that one weekend was addictive. Which is why he went back for seconds less than 24hrs later. It was like an escapist fantasy where nothing was real and nothing had consequences. Until they were found out and the reality of what he did was like a huge sucker punch.

So yes I do think people get caught up in the rush and don't think about what they're doing til it's too late.

I've asked him time and time again whether he'd want that rush again. His answer is not any more as the thought of losing me and what we have is way more important and the rush is so fleeting. He'd never felt that rush before but it's like cocaine. It can only lead to a bad dark place. He loves me too much to risk us for that dark place and he's so sorry he ever went there.

It's not a good excuse and it sounds kind of feeble. But at least he's trying to voice his thoughts and feelings. If we are to keep working at this it's important to me to hear what his brain is up to. Even if I don't agree with it at times.

wrinklyraisin Mon 28-Jan-13 20:55:11

Charbon I think you're in my head lol.

My OH is a bit bumbling, selfish at times, not good at establishing boundaries and then gets sucked into being the "rescuer". He's learning how to deal with his flaws and is being less of a wannabe hero iyswim. That's what got him into the mess before. He helped and helped and helped until he was drunk and tempted and in too deep. No excuse I know. But it's an explanation and it means he can recognize the warning signs for himself now. He's learning a lot about himself that he was completely oblivious to before.

The mutual friend is an older man who never really seemed to live in today's world. He's of an older more genteel era when stuff like this happened behind closed doors and no one spoke of it, I'm sure.

Charbon Mon 28-Jan-13 20:49:26

That should read as 'being indecisive and lacking the moral courage to....'

Charbon Mon 28-Jan-13 20:46:57

Hmmm....this is a bit why I often feel out of step on this site. Because I sometimes get the impression that posters think that all adulterers are alpha men and women ('man enough to commit adultery') who make a habit of targeting other men and women.

Whereas my RL experience tells me that a lot of adulterers are bumbling, indecisive and non-assertive fools who although share selfishness as a personality trait with the above caricature, often get into these situations because of blurred boundaries, not wanting to cause offence or hurt, an inability to tell someone to back off and then find themselves getting in too deep and addicted to the buzz and secrecy before they acknowledge what's happening. These are the men that people say are 'not the type' to have affairs but that's because the typecast is all wrong. If there's a type, it's a selfish person with very poor boundaries, but that covers everything from the philanderer to the man whose previous hights of excitement was winning a prize for the vegetables on his allotment....

These are just as damaging character flaws though as the men and women who set out to have affairs and regard it as a lifestyle perk, so I am not minimising the seriousness of it. But being decisive and having the moral courage to risk being disliked is usually one of the character flaws that a man like this must work on, to prevent it happening again.

I have to say equally I don't see the mutual friend as a frenemy here either. I see him as an avuncular character who lacks worldly wisdom about what individuals are capable of when lust and the common purpose of a production gets in the way.

Hissy Mon 28-Jan-13 20:27:44

I see what you're saying Charbon, but there is no contact between OW and the H, only via this frenemy.

H could have just said 'oh right' in a totally non-committal way, or ideally, "well tbh old friend, I'm not really interested in if OW 'misses me' or not, I'd prefer to not be discussed." And leave it at that.

This pathetic and frankly nauseating hand wringing of his and bringing it home to 'discuss solutions' would only be helpful if OW had made direct contact, rather than her misguided and wholly unwelcome fishing expedition. He didn't need OP's input when he was planning or executing his betrayal, why should any responsibility now fall on her shoulders.

She was testing his resolution, and tbh, from here, he didn't really pass.

The only thing he should have said to OP is after the fact, I.e "OW tried to send a message via X, but I told him I didn't want to hear it, and that it was very clear that there'd be no further discussion."

If he's man enough to commit adultery, he's surely man enough to put right the wrongs he did. All this pathetic 'oh say Hi from me', and worse putting OP in the situation where this creature has the brass balls to send a Hi to the OP is H's doing, through his utter failure to find the balls he apparently has to fix it.

He needs to rally to his wife's side, and do whatever it takes to fix her image of him, not invite some mangey OW to actually say a single word to his wife.

wrinklyraisin Mon 28-Jan-13 20:13:51

We will soon find out. I'll see him in a couple of hours.

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