Some advice please- how to react to this.

[cheeseandonionpie]

Hello,

I could do with some advice please ladies, as I am not sure how to react to this so opinions would be appreciated.

I have been with my partner for nearly 12 years, it has been rocky throughout. We have two DDs together, one 3 years and the other 9 months.

We have gone through an extremely rough time over last year and he is currently undergoing counseling for bereavement for his mothers death from 17 years ago which he has never dealt with or got over properly. He had his first session last Wednesday.

Neither myself or my partner drink which is due to bad experiences in the past. However at Xmas (after speaking to my partner) I purchased a bottle of wine for myself to enjoy. Even though he was fine with it, he went out and decided to purchase some alcohol which I thought was fine at the time with us both drinking as a one off. However, his friend come down from London at the beginning of January and he went to meet him for a catch up for a couple of hours. Both DDs had been unwell and the youngest was constantly waking up after I had put her to bed. He told me he was only going out for a couple of hours and would be back (no drinking involved) but by the time it got to 12:00am I txt him to ask for some help/support as I was stressed and had an extremely stressful day as I am the main career for the children as he is very unreliable. He basically told me to deal with it on my own so I did and went to bed.

When I woke in the morning he had not come back. He ended up showing his face after lunchtime and was extremely hungover and had been drinking with his friend all night. (he has never had a drink with his friend before). He was extremely apologetic and said he realizes how stupid he has been and how lucky he is to still have me here. blah blah blah.

I took this as a one off and as he was so apologetic I let it slide.

At the beginning of the week we agreed between ourselves that we both wouldn't drink again as the drinking at xmas was a one off and he agreed however, that night he went to a different friends house but when he came back he was a little drunk. I was extremely pissed off as we had just agreed something and he had broke the agreement straightaway!!! I made him very aware that I was very pissed off that we agreed something and he went back on that. He didn't seem too bothered that I was upset.

So last night, about 7:00pm he went out to his friends and told me he was going out for a little while and would be back soon. He left his house keys and used the back door leaving it unlocked. I did the usual things, put kids to bed, washed up etc.
I telephoned him at 12:00am and he said he would be back soon. My youngest woke up about this time so I went up to see to her and fell asleep. Woke this morning to find that he had not come back last night. Back door had been open all night which I am upset about as anything could have happened (where I live you can't leave your doors or windows open without being robbed) I have been ringing his phone this morning and getting no answers. I can only assume he has done the same again and got drunk.

Please give me some advice on this, how do I react to this?

[Xales]

You opened a tiny hole in the dam and it is getting bigger.

You cannot help or stop your P if he is going to go down this road again.

All you can do is decide what you line is, tell him and stick to it if he decided drink is more important.

[ImperialBlether]

Was the reason neither of you drank before this due to problems with alcohol?

[cheeseandonionpie]

The problem is he has an addictive personality and when he is about to come off one thing he replaces it with another. e.g. He was a heavy weed smoker and has been for years. I have always hated it. He currently attends a drug place to help him get off it (and trust me it has taken years for me to get him to this point) but now he has started drinking and I feel that he is going to use this as a replacement for the weed. We both use to drink in the past but due to problems in our relationship, drinking together just made them ten times worse.

[cheeseandonionpie]

and when I say drink, I don't mean alcohol problems just normal drinking at weekend etc.

[pesta]

First time posting ! woop wish is was for a nicer subject but I just felt I had to respond. I completely know what you are going through as I have been through it with my ex, however, I "allowed" it to escalate by not imposing boundaries and making it quite clear what I was and wasn't prepared to put up with. I am not exaggerating, but your situation could quickly get a lot worse without doing so and with children, it is more important you do. My advice is to have a good think about what your 'house' rules are i.e. come back home after night out by x time, make sure have keys etc etc, is it important that he is sober again ? etc write them out and discuss them with him, or if not approachable about it, just tell him they are the rules ! Then, you need to make it clear what will happen if they are broken. I think going out all night and leaving doors open is acting like a single teenager in a free hotel not a responsible partner and father. Mine did the same, for years and ended up with a big drug problem and all sorts of consequences. If I had thought of myself as more important I might have imposed better boundaries and saved our relationship, or at least saved a lot of heartache for a long time. Think carefully and stick rigidly to any plans, otherwise he will know he can continue to do it and you won't do anything (apart from threaten or shout). I hope this isn't too alarmist or strong but he sounds like he is slipping. xales says this far more succinctly !!

[pesta]

oo also I have noticed that counselling can often make things worse before they get better, so even more reason to stick to boundaries. However, with strong support around him, and a desire to do so, he can get over this.

[ErikNorseman]

You sound co-dependent and like you are making excuses somewhat. He didn't really want to get help to stop smoking weed and now he's just starting back on another addictive substance. What's the point? If he's an addict you can't cure him.