Relationship counselling newbie

[openerofjars]

I'm considering suggesting this to DH as something that could help as things are not so great right now: communication, sex, intimacy, closeness, conversation etc are all circling the drain a bit right now. . We have small children and I am sitting here in tears because I don't know how DH and I have become so far apart. We don't want to split up and neither of us is particularly abusive just knobbish occasionally, both of us or having an affair. No, really. . It's just not working very well and we want to fix it (long & difficult but hopeful conversation this morning).

I'd rather not go into too much fine detail about my marriage on here but was just wondering if anyone could share their experience of counselling? Did it help you and was it worth the huge fees for the sessions (rather than what was troubling you, unless you want to, iyswim)?

And does it matter if the counsellor is a man or a woman? I think I'd feel weird talking about stuff like this in front of a man but I guess DH might feel the same about counselling with a female practitioner.

[Dryjuice25]

Never had counselling myself but I say why not as you both seem to be on the same page. Having small children do make relationships strained and puts added pressure as your priorities change.

Counselling might sought this out especially where most of the problems stem from breakdown in communication, competitive tiredness etc

Good luck

[openerofjars]

Thank you, and sorry to post and run. This situation is getting me down and I've not felt mentally well enough to come back to this.

I dunno.

Still thinking about it. Hmm.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

The 'fine detail' that you don't want to mention could have some bearing on this. When you say no-one is 'particularly abusive'... that seems a slightly odd thing to say. If there's any element of bullying, manipulation or control-freakery going on in the relationship then couple counselling may not be the way forward because the behaviour will simply carry on through to the sessions.

If it is simply, as you say, a breakdown in communications then the way to approach it is with your DH in the first instance. The key question is 'do we want to stay together?' and - assuming the answer is 'yes' - accepting that you both need help in achieving that.

Why would either of you feel weird talking about personal problems with someone of the opposite gender? Isn't that rather immature?

[openerofjars]

Well, gee thanks. Kick me when I'm down, why don't you? I've always respected your advice on the relationship boards, Cogito, so I'm actually feeling quite shitty about your tone.

The "not particularly abusive" was a bad way to put it. Neither of us is a control freak or a bully. I was trying to get across that it isn't a case of either of us being in the wrong particularly e.g. abuse or infidelity. Both of us have had mild depression before (I have had counselling and Prozac before) and I am feeling unwell with it at the moment. I am struggling to work out of I am being unreasonable and ill or if it is not just me. I cannot always read the overtones of what people say and often express myself badly.

I did not mean to drip feed in my OP but as you can probably tell talking (or writing) about my feelings is really fucking difficult for me and clearly this is not a great thing when tying to talk about difficult and emotive subjects with my husband.

Fine detail includes going into the ins and outs of conversations and posting about the daily miserableness, guilt and slow death of no sex life etc. I don't want to put it all on the boards as I'm sure DH, who knows my username with my blessing, would be mortified and I actually like and love him, believe it or not. We're in pain here and we want to sort it out. We are having trouble doing so because we are finding communicating hard and it is breaking our hearts at the moment.

I have my reasons for not feeling comfortable with a male counsellor, i.e. a previous bad counselling experience, and have never had relationship counselling before. Who are you to tell me that my feelings are immature and not valid?

Thanks, Dryjuice.