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Please tell me I WILL be happier on my own than like this....?(54 Posts)
I live with a bully, a man who tells me I'm a state, I've let myself go, I'm a crap mother. A man who took me out for our anniversary when I was pregnant only to rant at me all evening about how little milk I was drinking during my pregnancy and I shouldn't be surprised if our child had been born disabled because of me. A man who has called me a c* several times, said I deserve to rot in hell with my dead parents. A man who refused to let me continue working when I had our DS 5 years ago so I had to reduce my hours and let go if any "career" I hoped I'd have.
A man who doesn't touch me, hasn't wanted to sleep with me for 3 years despite me literally throwing myself at him. A man who makes fun of me in front of our friends. A man who has dictated which embers of my family are allowed round our house despite me bending over backwards for his.
A man who works from 8am until 10pm every day apart from Sundays when he is just miserable. I have practically raised our son on my own.
A man who has dangled the "having another child" in font of me for 4 years only for him to never come near me, and to even say "and you wonder why you're not pregnant look at the state of you!". He has slept on the sofa for a year.
A man who has thrown away his breakfast I cooked him because his eggs weren't done quite right.
A man who has hurt me 4 times.
This same man is practically a saint to the outside world, would do anything for anyone (yet rant about them to me), a man who looks like he's working every hour god sends to provide for his wife and son even though he has his own business and I have huge doubts as to how he can be working at 10pm at night. A man who goes so over the top with gifts on my birthday, Christmas and anniversary, spending hundreds, sometimes thousands.
Last Sept, almost a year to the day that I also lost my beautiful mum, who I miss so much I can barely breathe some days, I found that something had snapped in me, a lightbulb moment. This man I married can't possibly love me and it dawned on me that I don't love him anymore, he's killed everything.
I told him and I asked him o be honest, he sad "he loved me but not in that way" although he was happy to stay living together for our son. When I sad I wasn't, I'm 33 and haven't had sex since I was 29, I wanted to be loved, I wanted to be happy. He called me selfish.
Since Sept I have started confiding in my close friends, some shocked, some not shocked at all and were almost waiting for me to tell them. My best friend cried, couldn't believe I had been hurting like this for so long and said I was a wonderful actress.
I can't help but think when I look at my husband he got me when I was so low, my dad had just died and I was pregnant and then at the end of 2011 my mum died and he has used these points in my life to get inside my head, tell me I'm disgusting and he even said my friends had god him id changed for the worst, when I asked them this recently I could tell by their faces these conversations hadn't happened.
So now I have an appt with my solicitor booked for next tues, an appt with the CAB Friday, and I'm about to blow my sons world apart by splitting up his little family. I hate myself for it, but my current life is killing me.
I am scared and I know it sounds mad, is it better the devil you know? Will I really be ok on my own with my DS? Can I do this? What if I'm aways n my own? What f I can't get back on the property ladder or give my son the things he deserves? I now this all sounds mental, but I am scared of the unknown, when at east with him I know my life... Does that sound insane?
I m not scared of him, pease no replies telling me to run screaming from the house, he hasn't hurt me since 2009. And like any coward, now that he has lost his control over me he has lost us power. He has been very amicable since we made the decision to not be together, I now he would rather live separate lives in the same house but this s what I can't do.
I just need to know its going to be ok.
Thankyou for taking the time to read.
You can do this and it will feel AMAZING to be free from this horrible regime you are living under. You aren't about to blow apart yours sons world - you are about to show him a whole wonderful new side to life he isn't experiencing at the moment. If it is this awful for you to live under these conditions,. it will also be dreadful for your DS.
Keep the faith! You can do it! Keep posting here - these people are amazing.
What is going to "blow apart" anyway? Currently, unless he's up at midnight, your son must only see his father on Sundays, and even then he's not a joyous person to be around. Basically, then, this blowing apart of his world will consist of... moving house. That happens to quite a lot of children and they do survive it!
So sorry about your parents (I'm older now than my mother was when she died, and she was lovely too). Think of it as the baton passing to the next generation. You're the parent now.
Well done oddsox, keep going!
I am truly overwhelmed by your replies. It only adds to the determination I know have to do this. I can and will do this. Thankyou to everyone telling me there's a wonderful life out there waiting or me.
I have been with this man for 11 years and I struggle to understand what is normal in terms of a relationship and what isn't. Although my lovely friends are very quick to point out what s not normal and I'm grateful fr that.
I know I will be guarded for a long time, but I'm going to fix myself and be happy for me and my beautiful boy who makes e carry on.
I'm not going to give you advice as you have had tons of amazing advice from all the other wonderful posters on here, but just wanted to lend my support and wish you all the best, you are so going to be FINE!! I lost my parents at 53 and 59 so know it's hard not to have that "safety net" but in a weird way that might have given you inner strength as you've survived that already, iyswim. You are lucky to have fab friends and your son to keep you strong, take care, good luck and let us know how you get on
Wow you have so much strength to finally get up and leave no matter how late it is. I have NC but if people can guess I'm from a awful relationship with a huge background that I occasionally post on here only to receive the same replies that I should leave but the truth is I daren't and its hard. I envy you I really do. Good luck in your well earned future life, you will go on to have many a good years and smile you deserve it x
You're not about to blow your son's world apart; you're about to save him. Literally and metaphorically. This is the best possible thing you can do for your son. And needless to say, for yourself as well.
I'm so sorry about your parents. What a horrendous thing to lose them both so young, and to go through this without them. It just goes to show how strong you actually are.
How could your life be any harder my love? Seriously! Look at how terrible it is right now! Anything you do will make a massive impact.
You are so young, i'm 11 years older, and ended my abusive relationship 2 years ago, more or less.
I thought I'd never rebuild my life, was determined not to in some respects to begin with, but bit by bit, working heard to undo the damage he did to my and my then 5yo ds, we're happier and healthier than ever before.
I can't tell you how wonderful life is and will be for you. There are simply no words to describe how flipping marvellous life is, with normal people.
So forward Sox, you can do this. You OWE this to yourself, to your son.
All I ask is that you never remove anything from the table for yourself, keep all options open for the future. Observe normal people and learn from them. Do the freedom programme, do counselling, find groups, read books, ask questions on here. Join the Emotional Abuse support thread here! With all this effort you will ensure that you never ever fall for this stuff again, that you show your ds how to be a man, a real one, not an abuser.
I did this, many, many of us here did this. You too can do this. You're not alone now, you're one of us.
I left my ex seven years ago. I moved out of the matrimonial home and rented somewhere. I still got most of the money from the house when it was sold and we divorced.
He abused me emotionally and physically. And sometimes a couple of years would go past between the violent incidents, so please be careful.
Leaving him was the best thing I have ever done for my son. We haven't got much but we live in a calm house with no abuse and that is priceless.
You are doing the right thing. I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than go through that hell again. Your son will be ok because he has a strong mother. You are strong because he hasn't broken you. You went through all of that and you are still here and doing the best you can for your child. You can do this.
Just wanted to add my best wishes op, you do sound incredibly strong and determined. Much more so than I was when leaving my ea ex.
You have had a truly horrendous time, I cannot imagine how it feels to lose both parents at such a young age whilst living with a monster like that must have been unbearable.
I hope their memory lives on and gives you the courage to see this through, I must say just reading your posts show your strength and conviction.
Good luck, wishing you the very very best
Have shed a tear reading your post
You will, without a doubt, be far better off alone than living the life you have been. You will flourish and be able to see your child develop and thrive in a loving, safe and secure environment.
If you have any wobble, think of your mum. Sending a massive hug and want you to know I'm rooting for you.
All the luck in the world. Go for it xx
Thank you Hassled, that means a lot xx
You sound incredibly strong, and I'm absolutely sure you have the courage to see this through. I'm not that much younger than your Mum was and I have an adult DD - and yes, you're absolutely right, she'd be telling you to leave and be happy. That's all she'd want - that you are happy. The very best of luck.
You will be so much happier. I dumped my STBXH nearly a year ago and it's tough being a single mum but much easier than living with him.
Well done for making your decision. When you get through this you will feel so proud of yourself xx
"I wonder if this is a classic line used by men like these?"
Isolating their victims is a pretty common abuse tactic. Moving home away from support networks, withdrawing access to transport (or not allowing someone to drive), upsetting friends & family so much they stop visiting, making someone financially vulnerable by telling them to quit work or making them have lots of children. Some techniques are more subtle than others but the net effect is always the same.... you end up utterly dependent and trapped, well away from anyone that can help you.
You definitely WILL be happier on your own and you CAN do this! Just get through each day and the next will be that bit easier. When I split with my ex-husband I made sure I did at least one important task every day and you soon get through everything you need to do. If you make lists you have the satisfaction of crossing things off when you've done them - simple things like that helped keep me going.
Oh and if you ever have any doubts come back and read your OP on here and you will soon remember why you are doing this!
If you have to live together during the division of assets, here are some tips.
1) Turn your bedroom into your own living room for those few months. Laptop, TV, lock on door, private papers and belongings (if not out of the house). Lots of long baths and early nights either in your room or out with friends.
2) Gently and with conversation, detach yourself from doing his cooking and laundry.
3) Try to get in the habit of him doing regular childcare, altho from what you've said this may be tough. But if poss agree Sun afternoons, and you stick to it and go out. Otherwise don't expect any favours from him whatsoever as he may enjoy letting you down.
4) See a lot more of your friends. Cultivate support. It will be your freedom and fun.
5) Save your money.
6) Get a book and start working out what you are going to do next. Everything, every wonderful idea, no matter how long it may take you to get there. Welcome to your new life.
7) Avoid him wherever possible. If he chats shit, let it wash over you. Keep safe. You are never going to convince him he is wrong so don't even bother trying. Don't respond to him. It may be a long time you have to live together. Don't let him upset you, and you are going to have to be the one to ensure this, as he may wish to....
Yes, You WILL be happier far away from this man.
Buying you expensive gifts is meaningless if followed by years of verbal abuse.
Be prepared for battle , plan now what to do if you have to leave the house pronto. Photograph or copy bank statements , share certificates , pension statements . You might need them in the future . Passports , vehicle docs etc either in a grab bag or somewhere safe .
He does sound like a horrible abusive nasty man tbh and i think you will be well rid.
54 and 55 is too young .
Yes you're right something2say, I have both thank goodness.
I guess I will find out more at the solicitors but ref the house, it's a joint mortgage, he's refusing to leave so that means no other choice but to sell. Do I have to say here whilst its up for sale? I guess I do as I'm on the mortgage....
I think as well, while everyone is gathered round on the matter, we all need two things in life -
1) friends we can run to 2am, in need, and we need to be that sort of friend ourselves too...
2) and we need money in our own name and to bear this need in mind until we have around five grand in our own name. Children or not, the govt and men don't seem to be taking care of us in the way we know we need to be safe, so we have to do some of that ourselves.
Well done for insisting on your own job.
Yes, you will be ok and after all the dust has settled you will be great
I am very sorry about your parents x
Something2say thank you. I always thought I was so strong, but I haven't been for a while, I'm getting there....and I'm determined.
I promise I will keep you all updated, I want my happy ever after and I will definitely share it when I get there xxx
Scarlet woman, I knew you meant me. XxxX
And thank you, I do truly feel like my mum is next to me holding my hand on this.
You are absolutely definitely going to be alright and it isn't going to take very long either.
Do not hate yourself for anything ever, least of all for taking this decision. Yes it is sad to split your son from his Dad but really is he going to see him much less? He is going to really improve when his Mum is happy, you mark my words.
You sound like a lovely, warm,, sensible decent woman who unfortunately got involved with a bad one, but soon his darkness will be gone, and also it will be spring when it all happens and that will be like your life lifting off into the sunshine.
Post back in 6 months (when this thread is over of course) if you like, as I would love to know how you get on.
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