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Can I have honest opinions?

(86 Posts)
BeOrganised Sat 19-Jan-13 20:52:35

If your partner (albeit on/off) and father of your children said 'I feel like spitting in your face'. Would you be devastated? Or because he didn't actually do it, or say he will, it's not that much of a bad thing to say.

He has said worse to me, but this has really got to me. It's happened over half an hour ago and I'm still replaying the words and crying. Am I overreacting?

cincodemayo Mon 21-Jan-13 00:54:25

You say he admits he's been 'a prick' to you and you've known him for 10 years and in that time, you've had children with him but haven't really been living with him.

So has your relationship existed alongside these other relationships he's had, including the one in which he fathered another child?

AnyFucker Mon 21-Jan-13 00:27:39

of course, he is verbally acting out what he wants to do (so far)

it won't be too long until he actually does it if OP carries on making excuses for him

Or maybe when he does actually spit in her face (or worse). sad

AnyFucker Mon 21-Jan-13 00:14:05

*rationalised

AnyFucker Mon 21-Jan-13 00:13:53

OP asked for honest opinions but has rationised every one

she isn't ready to hear it yet

but one day she will be

probably when he starts on the kids

foslady Mon 21-Jan-13 00:09:33

Sorry if that was blunt - but SURELY you can see from the amount of posts that this guy is toxic to you. And that behaviour WILL spread into your childrens behaviour, either towards you or in the kind of relationships they have

foslady Mon 21-Jan-13 00:07:02

Ok OP - you're making me angry, I want to spit in your face.

But that's ok to say that to you because I'm a good mum.

Don't like me saying it to you?

But it's ok for your childrens father to - someone who SHOULD respect you.

Now do you get the point???

AnyFucker Mon 21-Jan-13 00:03:50

Is it any better that you acknowledge that he doesn't see you as inferior, but on some level superior so he has to drag you down?

I am sorry you feel bad after posting here, but the truth is your kids are in harm's way

you can excuse him and rationalise his verbal abuse of you all you like, but you have a choice and your kids do not

TranceDaemon Sun 20-Jan-13 23:10:03

I know it's hard to hear OP, you asked for honest answers and that is what you are getting. The answers you have are from people who have been through it, who recognise what you are experiencing as abuse.

I found it hard to believe too as have most of us, but it IS abuse. Abuse isn't just him punching you in the face and all the things you have said are things that are abusive.

An abusive man isn't like that all the time. They work in cycles, with just enough 'nice' to keep you hoping and hanging on. It is how he behaves when he is being nasty that is your true gauge of what sort of a person he really is. Normal men DON'T tell their partners they would kill them, threaten to spit in their face or frighten them.

He tells you it's you, so then you work even harder to avoid his outbursts, walk on eggshells and try harder to be perfect. It doesn't matter what you do, NOTHING you could do would justify his behaviour to you. Normal men would never, ever do or say the things you describe.

You cannot change him. There is nothing you can say, or do that will make him stop treating you like this. There is no sort of counselling or therapy that will MAKE him stop abusing you. The only options you have are to stay and accept that your P's damaged childhood is doomed to repeat itself and that your relationship is teaching your children how to behave in their own relationships in the future, OR to leave and realise that that is your ONLY choice if you want to protect your kids.

I know that's not easy to hear and your natural reaction is to rebel against that possibility. I know that when you have invested so much in a relationship that the thought of it ending feels like too much. The reason you feel like this is because of the brainwashing you have had. It is SO much easier to stay away once you get out. You have to first accept that you need to leave, leaving is easy in comparison.

You know this isnt normal or you wouldnt be asking.
Children learn how to conduct adult relationships by example - so youre right to worry.
Sorry for blunt replies btw - am on mobile & typing is crap!

BeOrganised Sun 20-Jan-13 22:58:02

I really did want honest opinions on the whole 'spitting' thing because I was so upset. It's not that I don't want to hear your opinions, that's fine! But I'm allowed to feel upset by them and disagree with some parts?

Obviously house is t sound proof and dc may have heard a few arguments, but nothing that is going to scar them, however I do agree with the 'toxic' atmosphere. And I do worry how our relationship will effect the dc especially the oldest.

You just said 'thats just him' - so thats ok then?

And no, i have never said anything so disgusting in 'the heat of the moment'. Nor would i accept having it said to me. Why are you back tracking and making excuses for this man?

dequoisagitil Sun 20-Jan-13 22:52:00

So he wants to drag you down to his level. Why is that ok to you?

If a friend treated you like this, would they still be your friend?

If he's a great dad, he can be a great dad as a non-resident parent while not in a relationship with you.

Don't fool yourself the dc don't hear the verbal abuse - how big is your house? Is it soundproofed? The dc never wake up to go to the toilet? They won't continue to be unaware, if they are now. Is this sort of thing what you'd like for them to have in their own relationships in the future? Cos that's what you're teaching.

You asked for honest opinions but you don't really want to hear them.
And you are kidding yourself in thinking your children arent affected by being in the middle of such a toxic relationship.

BeOrganised Sun 20-Jan-13 22:49:50

There isn't much of a relationship history, 1 serious gf he had a place with when he was younger, got into financial trouble, split up, got with someone else, not very serious- though she got pregnant- so yes he has another child.

I know what he said was bad, but haven't we all said things in the heat of the moment when your pissed off?! Ok I know most normal people wouldn't go as far as he does, but that's just him. It's kind of upsetting that everyone sees him as an abuser and a bad dad and that I'm putting my children in harms way!

cincodemayo Sun 20-Jan-13 22:41:59

What's this guy's relationship history and does he have other children?

NotSoNervous Sun 20-Jan-13 22:39:30

Your not over reacting at all, of course your going to be devastated. It's a very aggressive thing to say aswell. Hope you okay x

BeOrganised Sun 20-Jan-13 22:37:25

It's not that he thinks I'm inferior- its kind of the opposite. He hates that I'm working, that it's my flat, that it's my rules, that I had a dream 5 years ago and stuck to it even though I was on my own, whereas he is in the same position as he was 10 years ago when I met him. I know he is trying to put me down, make me feel less than I'm worth when he is angry. And then when he's happy again I get all the 'I'm proud of you, you've done great even though I was a prick'.

When he is angry then there's no hope to get through to him at all.

SparkyDudess Sun 20-Jan-13 22:23:04

Sorry,'evil' should have been 'vile', but both fit.

I don't think you're overreacting, quite the opposite. Sounds like he's nastier still when he's had a drink?

Back2Two Sun 20-Jan-13 21:50:01

To be honest I feel trapped sometimes but it is that we are so bloody different it's hard. We literally have lead opposite lives and I think he is living on a totally different planet, but he thinks I'm living on a different planet.

This seems a pretty difficult basis to try to build upon.

AnyFucker Sun 20-Jan-13 21:49:09

of course it's bad

if I say to you now "I want to punch you in the face" does it make it any less awful that there is no actual option to punch you in the face ?

of course it doesn't

BeOrganised Sun 20-Jan-13 21:46:04

I originally posted because I honestly thought maybe I was overreacting. That because he only 'said' it and never done it or threatened to do it, it wasn't so bad.

AnyFucker Sun 20-Jan-13 21:44:52

He doesn't hate you. He just thinks you are inferior to him. And that it's ok to say the things he wouldn't dare to say to someone else. because if he said them to his boss he would get the sack. If he said them to a stranger in the street he would get twatted. If he said them to his friends they would tell him to fuck off.

Why is it ok to say them to you ?

This isn't something he can't control, or he would be spitting in his boss's face, in the check out girls face, in his mates face down the pub

are you a different class of citizen ?

BeOrganised Sun 20-Jan-13 21:41:27

The thing is with this is that yes he has said worse but always under the influence of drink. Yesterday he wasn't drinking, he was quite calm which is not like him at all. So for him to say that sober was/is a big shock. He must really hate me!

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