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Can I have honest opinions?

(86 Posts)
BeOrganised Sat 19-Jan-13 20:52:35

If your partner (albeit on/off) and father of your children said 'I feel like spitting in your face'. Would you be devastated? Or because he didn't actually do it, or say he will, it's not that much of a bad thing to say.

He has said worse to me, but this has really got to me. It's happened over half an hour ago and I'm still replaying the words and crying. Am I overreacting?

TheSecondComing Sat 19-Jan-13 22:33:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kalidanger Sat 19-Jan-13 22:37:08

I think you should handle this by formalising your 'off' status. He's horrible to you. And don't say he's a 'great dad' - great dads are t pigs to their DC's mothers. Sort out contact and money and be a happy lone patent without being treated like crap by him. Don't allow it, that's the only way to handle it.

Charliefox Sat 19-Jan-13 22:38:37

It'd be the last words he ever said to me. You've become immune to it all if you're saying things like, it sound worse than it is. It sounds horrendous and it IS horrendous.

BitBewildered Sat 19-Jan-13 22:44:48

What he said to you was disgusting, disrespectful, aggressive, hostile and offensive.

You have just said:

BUT I don't help things

&

I also made the mistake of telling him I had had PND with my last dc

which I find worrying.

No you're not over-reacting, he was being nasty to you.

soulresolution Sat 19-Jan-13 22:51:09

He has made you believe it's your fault because you won't 'shut the fuck up' when he tells you to? It's your fault you get upset about his abuse because you had pnd? You actually had to point out to him that it's not acceptable to threaten to kill someone if they want to leave you??

It definitely is abuse OP and I really feel for you. I think it's good that this latest vile thing he said has cut so deep and broken through the confusion he's created in your mind. Even better if he's gone 'til Monday - it will give you more time to wake up to the mess he's making of your life and work out how to get rid of him permanently.

kalidanger Sat 19-Jan-13 22:52:30

If he gave one shiny shit about you and your children he'd be concerned and helpful about your PND, not throw it in your face to make out you're mental.

badinage Sat 19-Jan-13 22:56:49

This is an absurd relationship.

He's told you 15 times that he will kill you if you step out of line, tells you to shut the fuck up during disagreements, tells you he would like to spit in your face and then despite being a father, pisses off for what you said could be 2 days after he'd made you cry.

You might think you're able to handle it, but if you're locking yourself in a bathroom and have to ask the internet whether you're over-reacting, you can't and more importantly, you shouldn't.

But whereas you have the luxury of choice in this, your poor kids who have to live with this brute, do not. FGS get him away from you and them.

Cherylkerl Sat 19-Jan-13 23:13:01

It's awful. Truly awful.

I know you aren't ready to hear it yet, but this is abuse and I'd say you're on the journey to discovering that. Takes a while to accept because they manage to convince you it's you. You shouldn't have to be strong enough to cope with this shit.

Lurk if you can bring yourself to and if you do recognise any other behaviour, mn is here.

Has anyone got the boiling water/frog analogy to hand?

beachyhead Sat 19-Jan-13 23:19:21

Just remember, most women don't have a man who says that they would spit in their face.... and when you give him up, you'll find a man who won't say he wants to spit in your face.

And you will be a lot happier......

BUT you need to move on from him, which I know is hard, but it will be worthwhile.

beachyhead Sat 19-Jan-13 23:20:59

Sorry, that wasn't supposed to read that you'll be happier when you find another man, just happier in general not to have someone saying they want to spit in your face, which frankly, no-one needs.

ladyWordy Sat 19-Jan-13 23:58:05

I wouldn't be devastated, I'd be livid. Of course it's a bad thing to say. Can you imagine saying it to him? What would he do? ( don't actually try it)..

BeOrganised, I know abuse is a hard word but you have just described abuse to us.

Saying he would happily kill you is not a joke. When he said that, you heard his true feelings. When he tells you he feels like <name of act of aggression> you have heard exactly what's in his mind.

He has a temper you're wary of. You feel trapped. He tells you you are mentally ill and need to see a doctor. He turns everything around to be your fault. You have also said what every abused woman says (to paraphrase): I do things too/I have my faults/ I do provoke him/I don't know when to shut up/I push him, etc.

It's abuse.

You can find extra support on this thread
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1655328-Support-thread-for-those-in-Emotionally-abusive-relationships-15

BeOrganised Sun 20-Jan-13 10:07:50

Thanks for the replies, I know what he said just isn't normal. I would never even think about wanting to spit at anyone, even someone I hated. Ha of I ever said that to him all hell would have broken loose.

He surprisingly did come back. Tried to hug me but I just told him to just leave me be. Im wondering if he is going to recognise that what he said was so disgusting. But I think he is justifying it to himself. I was winding him up, and I did say his parents were crap (I stand by that).

The reason I say I recognise I play a part in his temper is just to show that I'm not like an innocent little angel who gets shouted at and abused! I do stand my ground and I do act like I'm not scared of him even though I have been. If he comes in my face I won't back down, I'll carry on until he just ends up leaving.

Needsomeperspective2 Sun 20-Jan-13 11:04:44

So when you argue he gets right up in your face, tell you to shutnthe fuck up or that he wants to spit at you. Where the hell are your children while this is happening? You say he's like he is due to poor parenting, do you not see you are repeating the cycle with your own children?? Do you want then to thnk it's normal for women to hide themselves in the bathroom until the abusive partner has left? Do you want to teach them it's acceptable to intimidate someone into backing down or crying? Seriously, I don't understand why you can't see history repeating itself, maybe not to the same degree (I'm hoping there is no drug taking involved) but just as damaging.

Everything you've said here sounds awful for you and your do and I really hope you can find the strength the get away from this man soon, for all your sakes.

BeOrganised Sun 20-Jan-13 12:04:52

My children do not witness any of this, they are in bed by 7. We don't swear or shout in front of them at all. I'm not that bad of a parent. I don't think history would repeat itself as neither one of us would give drugs and cigs to our children, send them out on drug runs or ignore them.

Fair enough they are not in the most stable family life, but they are well looked after, and lead a very comfortable happy life at the moment.

My issues are solely between me and him, not sure what will happen now though. grin(

soulresolution Sun 20-Jan-13 14:02:34

Actually it's the opposite problem BeOrganised, you know exactly what will happen now. He will quiet down for a few days while you decide that it really was mostly your fault for winding him up and when he realises there aren't going to be any consequences he will start up again and probably come out with something even worse, make it even more obvious that he despises you and sees you as a verbal punchbag.

As long as he can carry on blaming you he will never have to face the real truth about himself and the abuse he is inflicting on you.

That means yet more terrible remarks that eat away at your self-respect and ability to trust men. Children grow up fast and they are very perceptive. They won't be off to bed and sleeping, they will be scared and disturbed by what happens in their home, him swearing and sneering in your face, you sobbing yet still making excuses for him.

Alternatively you can do the brave thing and end the relationship. You might find someone kind and decent or you might end up on your own for some time but either way you will be happier, free of fear and your children won't be messed up like him.

Needsomeperspective2 Sun 20-Jan-13 14:03:59

If you've managed to shield them up until, great, but don't underestimate the power of growing up in a toxic atmosphere. You said earlier he'd stormed off and wouldn't be black for a day or 2, it's not usual for children to witness one of their parents going AWOL although I know he's back now.

I completely believe you want to do what's best for them and I am sure you would never give them cigs and drugs etc but can you be 100% sure he wouldn't? Just please think about what they are learning about how adults interact with each other, how they are allowed to get away with behaving. And at the end of it all, think about your own happiness and wellbeing too x

pollyblue Sun 20-Jan-13 15:20:35

It sounds like just part of a fairly regular cycle of crap behaviour towards you. If you genuinely feel that the relationship is worth salvaging (or if not the relationship, then your self esteem), that there is fault on both sides and he has been negatively effected by his upbringing, then you should think seriously about taking practical steps to resolve this ie couples counselling.

BTH do not underestimate how much your dcs will pick up on, even if you think they are safely tucked up and out of the way.

kalidanger Sun 20-Jan-13 15:26:39

If he comes in my face I won't back down, I'll carry on until he just ends up leaving.

That sounds like fun!

So you mean handle as in 'I can handle myself in a fight', not 'I can manage myself and my DCs safety and happiness, right?

BeOrganised Sun 20-Jan-13 20:44:23

No he would never give the kids anything! he knows that the way he was brought up was not right.

The last post I don't really get, is it sarcasm? I've never been in a fight, and no it's not fun.. Unfortunately it's my life and that's what it is.

BeOrganised Sun 20-Jan-13 20:47:37

But thank you all for the supportive messages and advice, I've just been reading back. We've been talking about counselling forever but i don't think it will happen. Oh and just to answer the qs about him not coming back, the kids won't be affected really because over the years this is only the second time we have lived together- and it's been less than 2 weeks! Oh dear.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sun 20-Jan-13 21:02:30

He thinks you are the weird one but he is wrong. And you truly need to get that into your head before you start to believe it too.

And you won't be able to explain anything to him. For him to talk to you like that shows you have nothing to say that he would listen to.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sun 20-Jan-13 21:03:53

Actually, scrap that, you already belive it

foslady Sun 20-Jan-13 21:09:25

Despite what you say your children WILL be picking up on this.

Step out of this and imagine you are reading someone else's post. You know what you should do. He has worn you down into believing this behaviour is acceptable.

No it isn't. Ever. Nothing justifies it.

AnyFucker Sun 20-Jan-13 21:12:21

You said "I would like to spit in your face" is not the worst thing he has ever said to you

God help you

better still, help yourself and your kids and end this abusive relationship...your kids are being taught very damaging lessons

do not say "he is a good dad really" because we will not believe you

AnyFucker Sun 20-Jan-13 21:13:52

don't do joint counsellig with an abuser

seek it for yourself, to help you learn that being without a man like this is better than subjecting your children to him

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