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what to make of this text on DH's phone?(140 Posts)
Together 23 years, married 12, never a hint of DH having an affair, in fact his Dad had several affairs and he has always been repulsed by them.
He got a new iphone and I was fiddling with it while he was in the shower midweek, was being nosey as I don't have an iphone. I found this text from 'Emma' saying
"Yes, Tuesday night would be great, after work and don't ply meet with drinks this time as I have an early start! smily face icon'
He was going to London, staying with his sister as he often for work. I saw the texts to his sister confirming he was staying there eg: her texts to him and vice versa.
So I asked him what he was doing after his meetings on Tues, was he having dinner with his sister and he said no he was meeting 'Dave & John' (people I know).
Anyway he did not stay in London Tues in the end as he had to be back here for a meeting. I checked his phone and the Emma text has been deleted and I don't know how to look for deleted texts on an iphone, so I did not see any reply to her text.
I have been though his Linked In profile and cannot see any 'Emma' and been though his phone and I know 95% of those on it and those who are work realted. I called this 'Emma' and it went to voicemail with no idication of who she is or where she works.
What the fuck is this?
Actually misread that, may not have been with john but of course he would tell him, they work together and it relates to a communal contact. If all else is well I wouldn't worry.
It sounds fine to me. I agree, the friend covering is one thing.,.. There's no way I'd expect a female friend to lie to me. Most women I expect would say they won't get involved, not actively defend. I'd never lie for anyone but may be inclined to "mind my own business" so I'd be happy with the response.
Of course the malw friend will get involved, especially if they are people who confide in each other and socialise as a four-some. Plus most importantly, he was in the pub when her dh recived the text so of course he knows about it!
I think her real name is Helen but OP was using 'emma' for privacy reasons
What reason did he give for having her number in his phone under "Helen" if her name is Emma??
This alone makes me a bit uneasy and bullshit meter flickering
I know you must want to believe him having been in your situation. Cheaters often spend a lot of time and effort in getting you to believe what they are saying (or denying) and not enough in ensuring that their behaviour and body language match what their words so keep watching...
Why on earth did he get his mate to cover for him? Surely this is about the trust between the two of you?
If such a scenario was to arise between DH and I, he would consider it his responsibility to re-earn my trust, and he would certainly be far too embarrassed at the thought that he could be cheating to be dragging his friends into it like that.
Proceed with caution OP, and if he starts being more secretive with his phone and remaining hard to contact on work trips then I would say you have something to worry about.
I think the mate phoning to cover is suspicious tbh. In my experience I'd said flippantly to my ex, 'well friend might be covering for you'. Next thing I knew ex says 'friend is really upset that you thought he would cover for me'. So I sent a text to friend apologising and explaining it was because I'd already found out DH was having an affair. He writes back rather than accepting the apology or saying along the lines of 'I can understand you being suspicious given what you've already found out, Don't worry about it' he says 'Yes, well I'm disappointed in you for thinking that. blah blah.'....that was enough for me to realise that they are both liars.
Gosh some of you are cynical. My first loyalty might be to my DH but I would not and nor would (m)any women I know extend this to actively lying to another woman about her husband's cheating. OP knows/is friends with this friend too and trusts him. Why are people so quick to dismiss a posters judgement when it is positive and so quick to say "trust your instincts" when they are suspicious.
OP I would recognise that both your and your DH's jobs give rise to opportunity for both cheating and suspicion and take what has happened as an opportunity to have an open discussion on risks and temptations - always worth having some ongoing dialogue about such things - too easy to become complacent. It all sounds good to me and glad you are feeling more positive.
It is possible that his story is true but the fact that he got an old friend to corroborate this has set off an alarm bell - smacks of playground tactics and he is putting a lot of thought and effort into this
covering his tracks when it is all about a supposedly unimportant text.
What was his explanation for not being contactable in Florence?
I would leave things and keep a very close eye on him.
This is plausible to me to. I had an email exchange with a male colleague recently and I can assure, there is no attraction between us. It was a similar thing. We are having a team day, he suggested drinks after and the email chain was similar to your text OP. if you've no other concerns, put this behind you and enjoy the rest of your life.
All sounds very plausible to me too. Distrust can be terrible for both in a marriage. I'd never suggest blind trust but I'd also suggest not trusting is quite insulting if someone doesn't deserve it. Worth you both spending time to discuss further unless you can feel very reassured.
All sounds perfectly plausible to me. I had a text from a colleague once that wad phrased in such a way that I wouldn't have wanted my dp to see and I deleted it even though there was nothing sinister going on. These things happen.
On a point of clarification, I am 'izzyizin' and I have not used the nickname 'izzyishappilybusy' at any time past or present.
Hope that explains it!
It might explain it to you, honey, but the fact that he got one of his longstanding friends or colleagues and his dw, to call with corroboration of his account only serves to convince me there may be considerably more to this than he wants you to know about.
As for you knowing the dw in question 'would not bullshit you', her immediate loyalty is to her dh who may have persuaded her that your dh made a mistake he deeply regrets and, as he has no intention of continuing to err, it would no serve useful purpose for you to know about it as it would only cause unnecesssary pain and heartache to all concerned, could possibly cause a long and good marriage to end over one indiscretion, think of the dc, blah de blah.
If I were you, I'd arrange to meet up alone with this 'good mate' asap and I'd be telling her how immensely relieved I was that, contrary to my ridiculous suspicions, nothing untoward had occurred and I'd blame myself for doubting his fidelity and wax lyrical about his wonderful qualities while closely, but covertly, watching every expression that crosses her face and, even if she passes the test with flying colours, I'd still be keeping a close eye on my dh for the foreseeable future.
But in these matters I am most probably
more cynical less easy to convince than most.
I'm so pleased that you have got it sorted, I can't imagine the things that were going through your head and how upset you must have been,
I should caution that I am utterly gullible (which is why I always seem to fall for the less than honest threads ) but I seriously doubt that 2 people that are friends with you would agree to lie for him.
How do you feel now? Is this resolved for you or do you have any residual concerns?
What was he cross about?
Yes all fine thanks, to answer, we went out on Sunday evening for a drink to discuss it all, he said he deleted it as he thought it was inappropriate, he had arranged to go out with Dave & John but not her directly, John had invited her as they work for the same company. He does see her in a business sense as she is a buyer and DH has things she wants to buy/suppliers he is an agent for/contacts withing the industry (in the simplist sense), so he has her number and could not remember her surname as it is a weird Austrian spelling. Dave phone me on Sunday evening to explain (I have known dave for 15 years and am good mates with his wife who I also spoke to and she would not BS me in any way). He said they had met socially once before and got drunk in a group. She is now in his phone as Emma (insert name of company she works for her). He was very cross and also very apologetic and said if he had found a text like that on my phone he would have felt the same way as I had. I do trust him 23 years we have been together and this is the first time I have every had a worry about him, which is a good track record imho. She was not in Florence as it was a menswear trade show and she does other stuff that is indirectly linked. He went on to send about 4 other texts that night and we discussed each one when we went out on Sunday. She is on his Linked In but so are many other women who work in the same area. I am glad I texted and as I explained to him, I texted because if it was true I did not want him to see my hurst and devastation on my face. I know when he is out doing business/work/travel etc there are women (as there are men for me) but this text was just one step over the line which he agreed.
Hope that explains it!
OP - did you gets response to your second message? Hope all ok
and developments OP?
what is he saying about it today?
are you ok?
I'd be very suspicious about this OP, especially the fact he hadn't mentioned her going and the other friend you've never met. Any chance you can get dave & john to confirm it (unsuspiciously of course)
trust your instincts. I agree that by doing it over text you've missed the opportunity to read body language. With my exh it was the look on his face which told me
I don't like the fact he's made out you're silly etc. What did he say about it today, if anything?
I think there's cause for concern here too, but as another poster suggested, I don't think you want to confront it really otherwise you would have had the conversation face to face. Texting about this gave him the breathing space to cook up an explanation, but in its own way his reply was quite revealing. He mocked your concerns, whereas someone who cared about your feelings would have understood why it looked suspicious.
This reminded me of a thread I saw recently from a poster whose husband had left for an OW. There was a backstory that others seemed to know about so I namechecked her. Her 'suspicions' thread from months earlier was quite sad to read. Lots of posters were saying it was innocent and they greatly outweighed the few sages who were urging her to trust her instincts......then she got a terrible shock months later .
I'd be unsure either way. Lots of arguments both ways. But, I'd have thought if a partner of mine was sooo worried to send texts like those to me, and there was nothing in it, I'd be on the phone calling them immediately to stop them worrying and stewing all night. With bags and bags of reassurances and openness. Not keen on the idea of slighting your concerns, and being called 'silly'.
I had a text from a man I play guitar with and he finished by saying I will miss you..... My bf could have been upset by that..... I also don't always mention men I work with, sometimes I do but not always.... I wouldn't worry too much op x
I would give him the benefit of the doubt on this occasion. The original text itself sounds flirty/ jokey but not sexual or OW-ish. And his explanation is reasonable and makes sense.
No need for him to have mentioned her. I travel for work now and then and will meet up with colleagues in the evening. I rarely talk about people at work to my DH, I wouldn't assume he would be interested by what they did or said.
Hope you're ok this morning OP
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