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DH gone - for the night?

(78 Posts)
MummyIsMagic79 Wed 09-Jan-13 18:03:25

Am in the aftermath of DH's affair. It lasted 6 weeks, he says. I was heavily pregnant and it has been horrendous to deal with. Can't link as on phone.

Anyway, today we have rowed by text while he's been at work and I've told him we'd be better off apart tonight. Both snappy and tired, due to 5 week old DS. Plus DH Is giving up smoking. Fighting about the affair will just be made into something massive.

He has taken it really badly and is furious with me. He says he won't come home tonight. I'm guessing he's stopping at a mates house or his mums.

We have been getting on really well. More and better communication. He has been vending over backwards in every way really.

Today I was in a shit mood and he asked me what was up. I told him, in no uncertain terms. Probably not a good idea while he's at work, but I didn't see why I should hold it in. It escalated and I said if we were both so pissed off we shouldn't be with each other tonight.

I just don't know what to do. Part of me wants to call him and ask him to come home. Part pf me is glad he's not coming home.

AnyFucker Thu 10-Jan-13 08:20:48

How are things today ?

MummyIsMagic79 Thu 10-Jan-13 16:10:05

Hello.

Today we have to and fro-d by text.

I did apologise for starting a fight, while he was at work. It's not fair to rant at him and push and push while he is working.

He has been as nice as anything and is coming back after work. He knows it's hard for me. But we're a bit stuck. Can't move house or schools and nor is she, by the looks of it. It IS like picking at a scan. But I have no other choice. Even if DH and I had called it a day, I'd still have to see we every day. In every other way than this, and for the last 10 years, he has been fantastic. It was just so out of character.

We have discussed going back to Relate, which we stopped because it was so expensive. We both are committed to working things out.

I can't kick him out every time I feel pissed off. I've made my decision and I have to own it an give it a real try. He is too. If in a year I'm no further on, it will be a different story.

badinage Thu 10-Jan-13 16:14:20

What has he done since you found out about his affair OP?

Evidently no solo counselling

Read anything?

Initiated conversations about the affair and filled in the gaps without you having to ask?

Told the OW emphatically that he regretted the affair and why he wants you?

I'm glad someone else picked up on the doubt you seem to have about how long this was going on.

It doesn't sound to me like you've even got the basic info about what happened.

You do have a choice.

You are very brave, and you always have behaved with great dignity and compassion to your h.

I don't think he is worth the bother and I think in a couple of years, once the mist of the baby years has risen, then you will know it too. You will know that you did your best tho.

Hope you continue posting and get lots of love and support from those around you.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Thu 10-Jan-13 16:47:45

He was shagging around, while you were on bedrest, pregnant with his child, and you forgave him? Your alot more forgiving than i am. Is he really the best you can get?

GregBishopsBottomBitch Thu 10-Jan-13 16:54:42

Also, my ex p tried to make me feel paranoid and the "My exes never let me have female friends" trying to blame me over his EA, wouldnt take responsiblity, i thank my lucky stars hes an ex because hes a massive TWAT!!!

Much like your husband, he deserves the anger, so dont bloody apologise to this dick, he shagged your friend knowing you were in bed. What part of that can you forget?

SirBoobAlot Thu 10-Jan-13 17:05:46

"For the last ten years, he has been fantastic."

Darling, this man was willing to convince you that you had a mental health condition to cover up the fact he was getting his jollies on with a friend of yours. I'd call him far from fantastic.

If you do want to sort things out, it may be worth looking at your finances again to make Relate a priority.

But you also seem to sound resigned to suppressing how you are feeling because you want to try and move on. Firstly, changing your mind is okay. And secondly, you would be well within your rights to have asked him to leave for much longer than one night over everything that has happened. So don't feel you are being unreasonable for that.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Thu 10-Jan-13 17:18:13

Darling, this man was willing to convince you that you had a mental health condition to cover up the fact he was getting his jollies on with a friend of yours. I'd call him far from fantastic.

Exactly, he wanted you to feel awful and guilty, to cover up his cheating, men who do that seldom change, if your thinking that that was really not ok, then your allowed to say so. Hes just selfish and thought about his dick rather than his bedridden wife.

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 10-Jan-13 17:29:10

Have you both read Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends? It has helped so many on here process their thoughts and emotions after an affair.

You both will never recover properly if he does not do the hard work required - has he looked into himself to address flaws and issues that led him to giving himself permission to betray you?

Even if there were relationship problems, he could have resolved these by talking, counselling etc instead of shagging around....

I am sure his selfishness was apparent long before the affair (perhaps at a low level though) and this needs addressing by him.

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh Thu 10-Jan-13 17:33:10

However much people like to insist that someone who has had an affair should be made to suffer for it, very few people are capable of remaining sweet-natured and accepting under constant punishment. If you don't think you can get over the affair, it's time to end the relationship: having been cheated on is not a free pass to be horrible to your partner for the rest of his/her life.

AnyFucker Thu 10-Jan-13 17:52:04

It's been only a few weeks, sgf (erm...isn't the Festive Season over?) and op has had a baby in the meantime. Hardly the "rest of his/her life"

Ebayaholic Thu 10-Jan-13 19:07:57

But will you ever ring him again at work and have a go at him?

I bet you won't.

I think you're being played - all he had to do was spend a night away from the marital home and now you'll be too afraid to vent when he is at work. You're the injured party and should be holding all the cards but you're not.

Agree with the majority, he is NOT doing enough.

MummyIsMagic79 Sat 19-Jan-13 19:44:59

Don't know if anyone is still reading, but wanted an opinion.

Things with DH and I are going from strength to strength. He is working harder, reading Shirley Glass, being 100% committed and very honest. He's being patient with me feeling up and down, and is helping me in any way he can.

Problem I have, is the OW. I see her each day at school. She was my friend for 23 years.

I have arranged another 'chat' with her next week. Mostly to discuss the fact that the playground gobshite, a horrible gossipy woman, has discovered what happened and is blabbing it about. I don't care what she says really, I've done nothing wrong, but I don't want my children to hear anything. Anyway, it's not come from me, so want to ask OW about it.

The thing is, I don't think I can stop myself asking her to 'corroborate' stuff that DH has told me, about specific details. I know this is potentially very damaging, but I just feel like I need to hear it from her.
Part of me knows though, that even if she says the same as DH has, I will just worry that they concocted a story.

Any advice?

MadAboutHotChoc Sat 19-Jan-13 19:51:05

My advice?

Say nothing and ignore the playground gossip.

Rise above it and it will become yesterday's news.

Guiltypleasures001 Sat 19-Jan-13 20:02:22

Hi Magic

To be honest I dont think you are wanting to meet her to try and tackle the gobshite, I think deep down you want her to tell you what you think you already know. Your husbands side of the story isnt really stacking up for you, and you are going to great lengths to try and find holes in it. You are desoerate for someone to prove to you that you are right in your decision. But i dont think
you do believe him.

theres a lot of loss in this for you, loss of a very long friendship and the ultimate betrayal, you being heavily pregnant and his cheating and betrayal, then the birth of your baby, and the onslaught of hormones and sleepless nights after that.

I am sure when you say you are going from strength to strength you believe this, but I am not certain that this is the case to be honest, your meeting up with her will serve what purpose? it isnt you that should be dealing with any of this, you didnt cause any of this, but you seem to be reaping the whirlwind for everyones deceit.

Gobshite needs to be told to chut the fuck up, but lets face it if it wasnt her it would be someone else, and what would your ex friend get from telling others what a whore she is for shagging you husband whilst you were heavily pregnant.

If she doesnt coroberate his story then what? i think deep down you have a small hope she doesnt because i dont think you are as ok with this as you think.

Go to counselling for yourself hun, i think you need to be alone with a therapist to say what you really want to.

countingto10 Sat 19-Jan-13 20:04:22

Seriously, I wouldn't be giving OW time of day and would ignore all gossip or confront the gossip yourself if it bothers you that much, ask her where she heard it from etc.

In my case, I didn't want to hear anything OW had to say, I knew what she was and what her morals were, my issues were with my DH, what he had to say and what his subsequent actions were. And I am sure that me and my marriage were the subject of an awful lot of gossip in the playground and I even had the headteacher asking how my marriage was a few weeks down the line hmm.

It is still very early days for you, try not to get bogged down in the drama of your DH's affair, engaging with the OW is doing this at this time. Heal yourself and your marriage first, the OW becomes very irrelevant in time.

Take care.

badinage Sat 19-Jan-13 20:26:42

I too think that seeing the OW about the gossip is a smokescreen for the real agenda which is to get the truth about claims of your husband's that don't stack up.

The problem with 'truth' is that there are often different versions of it; everyone has their own perspective and spin on things which make it 'their truth'. So unless you are after indisputable facts such as dates, times and locations - her 'truth' might be as valid as your husband's. Including the possibility of course that both of their versions aren't really the whole truth; just the version they are able to live with personally. So your husband might for example say that he never loved her and it was 'just sex' whereas she might be telling her husband that the sex was crap but her feelings ran away with her.

The 'real truth' might be somewhere in the middle but is too unpalatable for them as individuals (or you their spouses) to live with.

I asked you earlier in the thread what message your husband has given to her about the affair and what it meant. If he's done nothing I'm guessing that's why you need to see her.

Your problem has always been him, I think and not her. I'm guessing he hasn't faced the playground yet then? All he seems to have done is belatedly read a book and get furious. No therapy on his own. No volunteering of information. No initiation of conversations.

'being patient' sounds awfully passive on his part, when actually he needs to be the active one driving the recovery process.

MummyIsMagic79 Sat 19-Jan-13 20:56:39

DH did the school run for 2 weeks, 3x a day, while he was on paternity leave.
He has offered to speak to gossip woman himself, and has offered to change his working day so he can do the early school run from now on, to take the heat off me.
He has brought stuff up himself and shown me things he knew I wouldn't like.
He's trying very hard.
Maybe the meet is a smokescreen. I might cancel, I do want to know where the gossip's come from, because its pissed me off, but I guess I couldn't trust myself not to grill her.

badinage Sat 19-Jan-13 20:58:57

What's he told the OW though?

Has he been to counselling himself?

MummyIsMagic79 Sat 19-Jan-13 22:11:57

We went to counselling together.

He told her he didn't want to see her anymore and he was trying to save his marriage.

Yes - what point is there discussing this gossip with the ow? Really?

If you have a different agenda, then admit it to yourself first. I don't think it's a good idea to see her. She was your friend. She chatted with you while she was telling your husband she loved him. You will get nothing good from her.

Im sure the gossips have great sympathy with you - and think that
She and DH are utter shits. Don't worry about it - what can you say? nothing will stop it - I don't think they know the half of it, do they?

Wishing you strength...keep holding your head up high, you've done nothing wrong.

As for your children finding out - they will. H can cross that bridge when it happens I'm sure.

MummyIsMagic79 Sat 19-Jan-13 22:41:07

They are only 6 and 3, so I'm very much hoping they don't.

badinage Sat 19-Jan-13 22:45:09

Ok let's cut to the chase.

What things are still bothering you about your husband's version of events that you think the OW might dispute?

if it's common knowledge in the playground - they will find out eventually.

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