A sad update - And in need of some advice

[UhhOhhh]

Hi, I posted this thread back in September -www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1573569-Am-pregnant-we-both-want-different-things-Im-desperate?pg=1

I received some great advice then, so thank you. Someone said on that thread 'if you do not want, you just do not', I kept that as my mantra. Well after I made my decision things were tense to say the least. I had some counselling and spoke to my mum a lot and that really helped me remain strong. He sulked quite a lot. My mum spoke to him in the end and basically told him to stop behaving like a child. When he told his family they were so happy for us, I think he expected them to recoil in horror! I think that helped.

So we just quietly got on with things. Started making plans, to swap our very large bedrom with the kids small one etc. I could tell he'd accepted it, we even started feel excited, in a terrified kind of way!

Then came my 12 week scan. We were told that our baby had stopped developing at around 8 weeks and had no heartbeat. I was quite surprised at how devastated he was. I am heart broken. I had an awful time of it, had a failed medical management, ended up miscarrying at home, alone with the kids, had to be rushed to hospital with blood loss. I had the 'products of conception' as they so delightfully put it, removed in A & E. Had a blood transfusion. Just awful.

My OH was great throughout it all. We've had 'the talk' about what to do now. He's saying that he definitely wants another child now. Just not yet, he wants to wait until I'm back at work and we've moved house. So another 2 - 3 years realistically. While I know this is sensible I'm finding it hard to accept. I know I'm grieving but I'm finding it so hard. I want to be pregnant now. I feel like that was my last chance, that there will forever be someone missing. In light of his previous behaviour I feel that he might be flim flamming me, that he'll always find a reason for it to be not the right time.

I know I must accept this, I must. I have 2 lovely children that I should be grateful for. But I lie in bed at night and feel so desperate for our 'missing one'. How do I accept this?

[UhhOhhh]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1573569-Am-pregnant-we-both-want-different-things-Im-desperate?pg=1 sorry don't think link worked.

[izzyizin]

I'm so sorry for your loss and would suggest you make contact with www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk as I feel sure it will be of immense benefit to you to be able to articulate your feelings in RL to those who understand the grief and quiet desperation you are experiencing.

As for whether your dh is flim flamming you only time can tell, and only time can alleviate some of your current pain at the loss of a much wanted 3rd dc.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

So sorry for your loss. Must be particularly tough after all the fuss and bother to begin with and I'm not surprised if you're looking at life in general and your partner with a different perspective. You need to look after yourself and give yourself plenty of time to grieve. Talk to your GP as well because you may benefit from some counselling.

[Lueji]

So sorry you lost the baby.

I guess time will tell about him.

I had a timetable to conceive my DS and as soon as the conditions were met, I did start trying (never mind it took over 2 years ).
So, he could be telling you the truth.

TBH, I think you will always feel that loss. Regardless of when you have another baby.

When are you back at work? Moving home should not be a requirement.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

How sad, just want to say sorry. If your OH had come round to the idea and was truly supportive during this time, I'd say there is a very good chance he is not flim flamming, but I appreciate you must feel uncertain. Please consider counselling.

[ErikNorseman]

You are grieving. It's a natural response but you need to recognise it for what it is. Believe me, waiting is the best course of action.

[UhhOhhh]

Ok I'm just going to get this out while I'm feeling brave. I cant help thinking that I deserve this, I threw away a healthy pregnancy when deep down I didn't want to. I feel I have no right to grieve over this one. I don't resent my partner, yet. I worry I'd hate him if I did.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Oh love. We look for reasons when struggling to accept something, to make sense of it. Fwiw personally I don't think nature or life or fate designs that kind of balance. Do you think it would help if you see your GP, talk things through?

[Thumbwitch]

Regardless of what you have or haven't done in the past, you have every right to grieve this loss :( and you should. Do contact some counselling service to help you get your head straight over this; and I hope that things work out for you in the future.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

There's no 'quid pro quo' in life. No 'Karma'. No 'divine retribution'. No 'cosmic balancing act'. Nothing you did or didn't do in the past led to this happening now. Bad things happen to good people all the time. Take some time to think everything through and get professional help if you're really struggling.

[stitchy]

You don't deserve this at all and you need to allow yourself to grieve for your loss and not punish yourself. You've been through a really traumatic experience made worse by the manner of your miscarriage (the miscarriage association have successfully campaigned to have the term 'evacuation of the retained products of conception' changed to 'surgically managed miscarriage') and you really, really need to be kind to yourself.
I could reel off 5 reasons right now why I deserved my miscarriages but the truth is I didn't and nor did you. Give yourself time as it's all still so raw, allow yourself to be sad and to let your feelings settle, things will get better. Take care x

[Lueji]

Remember that there is a high percentage of miscarriages.
Up to 25% of all pregnancies, or something like that?

I know a few women who have had miscarriages. One had several, actually.
And it's not something that is usually talked about in social conversation, so we don't even realise how common it is.

It is traumatic, and sad, yes. But nothing for you to feel guilty about.

[UhhOhhh]

I don't even believe in fate or divine retribution or any thing like that normally. It's just those horrible dark guilty 2am thoughts that keep me awake.

I just have to accept that was my last chance for now I think. I can't rely on what OH says. It's just so hard.

Lueji - I'm not actually in work at all at the moment. I meant getting a job which would enable us to move. And therefore giving us enough space for another child. OH won't consider it otherwise.

[izzyizin]

Apologies for omitting to convert the link: //www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk.

Do please give them a call, honey - the solitary pursuit of writing can serve to further internalise grief but talking to someone who can empathise with our situation can allow sorrow to be viewed as something than can be borne with fortitude and used as a source of strength.