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UPDATE: I've packed up his stuff! And now I'm pregnant.

(111 Posts)
tzella Wed 09-Jan-13 11:57:10

This is the previous thread This is a light-hearted and fun thread and I really enjoyed it, and thanks to all who posted. I didn't list all the things he'd done but they included giving me two black eyes, restricting my social life and trying to restrict my work plus expecting me to pay for everything and do all the cooking and housework.

So, the relationship is over and I feel 100% positive about that. My further troubles are nothing to do with him. My first thoughts about him in regards to this are negative; I won't tell him and I will never set eyes on him again, if I can help it. I have to be honest and say I'm scared of him.

Onwards to this morning. My period is late, I'm very regular so I POAS and I'm pregnant. I want to talk about this.

I'm 38 and have never consciously wanted a child but this is probably my last chance. I got pregnant 10 years ago (in the dying embers of a relationship then too hmm) and there was no question that I wanted to terminate and I did. I don't have the same sureness about terminating this time. How do I make the decision?

Lueji Wed 09-Jan-13 12:26:09

My feeling is that you actually want this baby.

It's got lots of cons, perhaps.
But if you don't feel an immediate rejection weighing those cons, maybe you do want it.

What would you do in an ideal world?

TisILeclerc Wed 09-Jan-13 12:26:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tzella Wed 09-Jan-13 12:27:03

Lots to think about Lueji and Nordicmom thank you for your thoughts.

I don't think I think and type the thoughts at the same time right now. I am still in shock I think. I'll probably be back later, thanks again.

NotSpartacus Wed 09-Jan-13 12:32:56

Of course it is hard having a baby alone. When I had children (not alone) my life changed in two ways. I always think of the children before making any decision; and for the first time in my life I need other people for things (help when the kids are ill and I am juggling ft work etc, babysitting, advice, a chat when I am tired). So a support network is important but you can put that in place if you decide to keep the baby.

The crucial question is deep in your gut do you want the baby? If yes, have it. If the answer is no or if you are ambivalent, I would think hard about terminating. I think children deserve parents who are more than ambivalent about them, and the truth is that children do make life more difficult so it helps to be fully signed up!

HighBrows Wed 09-Jan-13 12:34:25

Lemons, 15 year olds are difficult, very difficult. My son is almost 17 and he's almost a pleasure to be around now. The teens board is a brilliant resource and most of the parents there are unshockable.

izzyizin Wed 09-Jan-13 12:35:06

If you want to become a single mother, I suggest you go about it by sourcing a sperm donor through approved channels.

Having a dc by a man who's beaten you, abused you financially, and treated you like a skivvy, is a recipe for disaster.

If this visa overstayer who has no right to be in the UK gets wind of it, he may use your pg to try to remain here and if, as it very much sounds, he's from a significantly different culture, he may try to take his child back to his home country.

I sometimes despair at the ineptitude of the Met's finest. If they'd apprehended him as they bloody well should have done after you'd reported him, he'd have been deported last summer and you wouldn't be playing with fire sticks now.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 09-Jan-13 12:35:15

13 years ago I was in exactly the same situation - minus the abusive ex, my DS's dad is very nice. Had my baby solo, no family around, have been the 100% parent and have never regretted it for a minute. It's been hard work juggling all the responsibilities, not to say very expensive, but it's also been very rewarding.

Not saying you should do the same thing but just giving you reassurance that it's not necessarily a disaster. Good luck whatever you decide todo.

IME the kind of relationships you want to have will come along if you just get on with living your life the way you want to live it. So I'd completely dismiss all thoughts about whether of not you'll have a future relationship entirely at this point. Apart from anything else, you've just come out of an abusive relationship and probably don't want to be jumping into another one.

The pregnancy is another issue entirely, and one only you can make a decision about. If you do want to have a baby, then you will make it work (regardless of the pros and cons). But you need to determine whether you do want to have a baby. It might help to set aside any thoughts of 'last chances' as you to think about whether motherhood (and all that goes with it) is what you want. Lueji's questions are definitely a good place to start.

Lueji Wed 09-Jan-13 12:37:00

Izzy has a point.

Is there any way he can find out that you are pregnant and that the baby is his?

Could be good timing in a way that you dumped him just in time before you found out you were pregnant and then probably would have told him ?

HighBrows Wed 09-Jan-13 12:42:14

I kinda agree with Izzy.

izzyizin Wed 09-Jan-13 12:43:09

This type of twunt always finds out, Lueji, and if he hasn't found out by the time of the birth, that'll be 18 years the OP will spend looking over her shoulder.

And what about the child? Doesn't s/he have a right to know their father? It's not as if he's abandoned the OP because she's pg, is it?

Jeez, if he knew about this he'd be making every kind of hollow promise on his knees proposing marriage and thanking god for handing him a UK passport on a plate.

tzella Wed 09-Jan-13 12:43:44

Thanks for bothering to do the research on my posts, izzy grin Saves me typing.

Some things I didn't think of there sad

I've just mailed my very best friend and she's going to come and see me. Should have thought of that first but I'm used to being fucking brave and stupidly independent angry

freeandhappy Wed 09-Jan-13 12:43:55

My friend is getting impregnated next month hopefully via sperm donor age 42 (her not the donor!) she is doing it tho way as the father of the child she had at 38 in your circumstances has been a fucking nightmare. Have a termination, you could still get the pill one this early but use this to get you thinking about if you really do want to have a child. Then get yourself set up financially to do it alone. I would not proceed with this pregnancy. Cut all ties with this man. Do not let this man be the man you choose for any potential child of yours. Good luck.

sillymillyb Wed 09-Jan-13 12:48:10

I don't have any relationship advice, but I do have a 10mo ds and have been alone through my pregnancy and (obviously) now too!

It is the hardest, most amazing thing I have ever done. It's def not easy, but I don't think having a child ever is. In fact, to a certain degree I think I may have had it easier than some couples as I never had to consider any one elses needs except mine or my sons.

I think what I'm trying to say badly is that whilst it is undeniably bloody hard work to go through pregnancy and raising a child alone, it is also incredibly wonderful and I wouldn't take away any of the bad days if it meant not having my son.

If you decide to go for it, you will manage and be brilliant at it - because you have no choice but to be! Good luck, I hope you are ok and well done on getting rid of the cocklodger in the first place!

izzyizin Wed 09-Jan-13 12:58:25

I live in central London and I take full advantage of the anonymity the capital has to offer but, nevertheless, this city is a collection of villages and it wll be entirely possible for him to get word of this development if you don't seek a termination.

Even if you deny his paternity tzella, he can enforce a DNA test and then, you will be fucked over by him again and again.

Given all of the circumstances, I don't believe it would be fair to the potential child to proceed any further with this particular pg.

morethanpotatoprints Wed 09-Jan-13 13:17:23


I was adopted from birth and nothing like my birth parents, my personality seems to come from nurture. I do believe that some things can be transferable though, but its not always a nature thing.

Dahlen Wed 09-Jan-13 13:30:07

lemonstartree - have you tried reading this book? If not, you may find it useful.

FWIW, I believe nature and nurture are inseparable. Nature lies down the limits of the spectrum and nurture determines where on that spectrum things fall. So good parenting can maximise IQ biut only to the upper limit of what is available genetically, etc.

I do think, and forgive me if this sounds harsh, that for many parents who have left abusive or otherwise badly behaved partners, there is a tendency to repeat the same mistakes made with the XP in the relationship with the child - unless a great deal of soul-searching and change has been effected. If you have poor boundaries with adults, it's often even harder to maintain them against a child you love. Also, I've seen many abused women refuse to use any discipline with their children because they are rebelling against the abuse they experienced with their X and see the two as the same thing.

I'm not saying that applies to you, as many abused women are excellent parents and do not make these mistakes, but I think the above scenario explains far more cases where children are like the 'bad' parent than genetics does.

SpringIsComing Wed 09-Jan-13 13:40:17

"he can enforce a DNA test"
izzyin, how? The courts are not allowed to order DNA tests where there is an application for the sole purpose of establishing paternity plus in the UK they uphold a mother's right to keep pregnancy a secret from a father. Source: Unless you have other information about how any man can force a women and baby to undergo DNA testing.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 09-Jan-13 13:50:08

I would be very worried that having got rid of this partner, he will be back like a nasty rash if you tell him you are pregnant. Undesirable or not, arguably he has a right to know, and he could be an ongoing presence in your life for years.

That said, if you are not immediately thinking of termination, and not averse to the idea of having a child, and can actually say you are ready for this, allowing fear of His Creepiness to take away the chance of this unlooked for opportunity at 38, gives him a power over you which is unmerited.

Take a look at the Lone Parent topic, that could be you in 8 months' time.
Where do you live, how will you get by, do you have support, stating the obvious but you will have responsibility for a dependent for years to come.
Are you in good health yourself?
If the baby has some kind of special needs, will you cope?
Disturbed nights, foregoing certain treats and pleasures you take for granted as a free agent, all of this solo for a while at least?

Where there's a will, there's a way. I am not trying to put you off. Hope you can talk things through with your friend.

I wouldn't really consider that an abusive Ex does have the right to know Donkey ? Do many/ any people think he does ? (if OP decides to continue with pregnancy ?)

referring to first part of Donkey's post - "arguably he has a right to know"

lemonstartree Wed 09-Jan-13 14:37:20

thank you - I didn't mean to derail the thread. All I wanted to suggest was that THIS man may pass on genetic characteristics to his child (and he may not) which may cause serious problems in the future.

I will look at some of the stuff you have mentioned. Might help me get my head around the guilt.

* Tzella* my eldest has aspergers and add. it makes parenting a teenager very very hard. Look past a cute baby and toddler and imagine parenting a replica of HIM. And then see what thoughts /emotions that brings up

very hard for you x

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 09-Jan-13 14:40:39

That is why I put "arguably" Juggling. Personally I'd move, and not breathe a word, without any compunction, <shrug>.

Fair enough donkey. I just don't think telling him about pregnancy at any stage would be a good idea - I'd do the same as you I think

izzyizin Wed 09-Jan-13 15:57:31

Enforce was perhaps too strong a word, Spring, but it's not uncommon for the Family and Appellate Courts to give directions to establish paternity through DNA testing.

Unless exceptional circumstances apply, it is generally accepted within the family justice system that it is in the best interests of the child for their true identity to be made known to them at the earliest opportunity.

Providing any such application is not made in isolation, anyone with “sufficient personal interest” can apply for a declaration of parentage [FLA 1986 s55A] as part of other/existing proceedings. Under FLRA 1969 S20, the Court may then issue a direction that DNA tests to determine parentage are carried out.

I refer you to a judgement much quoted by Families Need Fathers, namely, that of Mr Justice Bodey: Family Division: Re T (Paternity: Ordering Blood Tests) 2001: “I am entirely satisfied that in evaluating and balancing the various rights of the adult parties and of T under Article 8, the weightiest emerges clearly as being that of T, namely that he should have the possibility of knowing, perhaps with certainty, his true roots and identity.”

From tzella's earlier posts, and purely on the basis of him having overstayed his allotted time in the UK, I've formed the impression that she and her ex do not share the same the same racial and cultural origin.

Given your own recent experience of the justice system, I invite you to imagine what a couple of immigration and human rights briefs could do with this scenario. Suffice it to say the cost to the taxpayer could be considerable.

For those who advise tzella to move home in order to ensure that he does not discover the pg, I would remind them that sooner or later any child of this union will wish to know the circumstances of their birth and may form a pressing desire to go in search of the father who, as Donkey has said, arguably has the right to know.

It's a well-known truism that there's no such thing as a free lunch and, sooner or later, the bill requires settlement.

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