how do uou stop yourself sngsting about previous partners

[gg40]

Ive recently met some one after a long time on myown.

Im not wworried about his past but I feel really guilty about my own. I know it is in the past and we all have history but I feel embarrassed about some stupid mistakes I've made.

Any words of reassurance and ideas on putting this stuff to the back of my mind would be great.

[VoiceofUnreason]

Sngsting????

[gg40]

Sorry should say angsting.

[dequoisagitil]

Why do you feel guilty and what are the stupid mistakes? Everyone has baggage & we all make mistakes, but how you feel about your past relationships sounds a bit overboard? Do you give yourself a hard time a lot?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

There are things you can change about life and things you can't. The past is one of the things you can't change. The future is entirely what you make of it. So focus on the future.

The other thing I'd say is that there is no obligation to bare your soul to a boyfriend. Unless these past mistakes are likely to come back and bite you in some way, there's no need to share them with anyone else. I know some people think it's wrong to keep secrets from partners but IME if the sleeping dogs are particularly toe-curling, it's best to let them lie.

[gg40]

its nothing major. I have had a few flings over the years, nothing terrible. the last one was just before I got with this guy and it was a big mistake. I just wish it had never happened.

[dequoisagitil]

It's none of new guy's business if you've had a few flings.

You might have regrets, but the important thing about making mistakes is whether you learned from them - or whether you'd do the same thing all over again. There's no value to beating yourself up about something endlessly.

[gg40]

oh I know and he hasn't asked.

I just don't know how yo not beat myself up about it.

[AnyFucker]

if I was to "angst" about some of the decisions I have made about men in my (dim and distant) past, I would never get out of bed again

let it go, and don't spoil your current relationship

learn the lessons though !

[dequoisagitil]

I'm someone who beats themselves up as well. What I try to do when a memory of something I've done that I find embarrassing or upsetting, is catch myself at it and not go further down the path of useless self-recrimination. I try to accept that I made a mistake and perhaps also that there were reasons like low self-esteem/being naive/being impulsive that I did what I did (if there were) - and not to be so hard on myself.

Are you harder on yourself than you would be on a friend who'd done the same sort of things?

[AKissIsNotAContract]

I'm sure your new partner has made a few mistakes too. Most people have. A decent guy won't ask and won't care about your past. It's the future that's important.

[cheesesarnie]

sounds like more of an issue to you than to him. enjoy the relationship!

[flatbellyfella]

Just focus on the new relationship,forget the past bad memories,& learn from them.

[garlicbollocks]

Dequoi makes a good point. It's advisable to treat yourself as you treat your friends - if someone else told you they'd had this stupid relationship, would you give her an earful or assure her it's all in the past and has made her wiser?

[gg40]

i do beat myself up a lot.

i guess my main worry though is that i haven't used protection with either of them. i feel so fucking irritated with myself.

[OhWesternWind]

So, did you have a health check before you slept with the new man? Did either of these men have one? If not, get checked out soon as you can.

[AnyFucker]

Well, yes, not using condoms was rather silly. No real excuse for that, sorry, but you can easily remeyt that. Incidentally, neither did they !!!

I presume you have used another form of birth control, though

[AnyFucker]

*remedy

[dequoisagitil]

Yes, ok - mistake to have unsafe sex - now to put it right by getting yourself checked out and getting a supply of condoms. (And as AF points out, the 2 men have their 50% of the responsibility in this).

Admit the mistake, address the consequences, don't repeat - and move on, somewhat chastised, but not crippled by self-blame.

[gg40]

I have told him that I have had un protected sex and despite it being a bit late in the day, for our peace of mind I would like to get tested. I was absolutely shitting myself but he has been fine about it thank god. I was terrified I'd scare him off.

pregnancy not an issue, I've been sterilised, hence my over relaxed attitude. lesson learned and I feel like a huge weight has lifted.

[gg40]

thank you by the way xx

[cheesesarnie]

glad that you spoke about it. will he get tested now too?

[AnyFucker]

Ah, well done.

Tbh, he would have had no business being pissed off with you, would he ? His sexual health is his own responsibility (as is yours)

[gg40]

he said we can both go, although I am the only one likely to have a problem. I just hope all is ok but at least I have said.

[gg40]

he wsnt pissed off, he said he knew the risks and he didnt think id been celibate. I really like him though, which is why I had to say something.

[dequoisagitil]

Well done. A good outcome and I'm glad he doesn't appear to be a big fat hypocrite but seems a nice guy .