Mumsnet Talk

That's it really.

I separated three months ago after years of misery (some of you will know this, I've done a lot of agonising on here).

We are sharing custody.

Things are going really well with the children, my relationship with them is great now I'm happier in myself without dh.

But I miss them so much. At the beginning I was busy sorting out the house but now I'm not and it feels so empty and pointless without them.

I've just said goodbye until Saturday morning and was bright and breezy as they left.

But the tears started flowing before I'd even shut the door properly and now they won't stop

I know it's early days, but it's hitting me that this is the way it is forever now, too.

Stay and talk to us. It will get easier. Soon enough, you will be looking forward to alll the me time you are going to get.

Believe me, it gets easier. I remember crying and hugging their pillows.
Now, I wave them goodbye and enjoy 'me' time. I know they are happy and well looked after when they are with their dad so I plan things that charge my batteries: I lie in, have long baths, visit friends, go to the cinema or to the pub. I also do all my housework and laundry so that when they're back with me I can spend more quality time with them.

It does get easier. Just be kind to yourself and expect it to take time. Plan some nice child-free treats.

Ye. Stick with us You are amongst friends here. Let's have a girlie night! <goes off to get manicure stuff>

Me too. Feel so unhappy.

Thanks.

I want to go and get a bottle of wine but I need to cut down drinking or stop. I hit the bottle when they are not here.

I've poured G&Ts for us all

<slices limes>

It's crap

I had that awful sinking feeling the first few times my ex took the kids. But in a matter of a month I was really looking forward to my time off. Time to pamper myself, time to rest and gather my strength.

Is there some exercise you enjoy doing? Or a hobby you put on ice?

You will start to enjoy the breaks, sooner than you think. You are still their mummy 100% and they need you more than ever.

Ooh just read that, Tired!

<hides the gin bottle behind the sofa cushions and gets the kettle on>

I understand. 2yrs 4 months for me. My DCs are 6 and nearly 4. I can't say it gets any easier and I don't love my me time. I don't think I will ever get used to them not being with me. But I have found ways of existing when they aren't here and boy - the highs when they are with me are amazing.

Like you, I am happier in myself. And I am sure you will find you can make the absolute best of the time you have them. You can get chores and shopping done and even prepare some meals in advance so that when they are with you, it is all about the fun. I focus on making sure life is fun when they are with me. We make a big mess, they have friends around (and make a big mess). You get the idea. I can clean it all up when they are with their dad.

Thanks Mushroom

I'm having a Becks Blue right now (no alcohol) x

I understand about the drinking too. I have drunk far too heavily for years. In August I turned 40 and decided to cut right back. Have had a splurge over Xmas but back on the wagon again now.

Do you exercise? I find that takes up some of my time and helps me switch my brain off for a bit. I run.

Thanks everyone.

the highs when they are with me are amazing

This is true. We had an amazing day yesterday - ice skating at the Natural History Museum and then the Winter Wonderland in Hyde Park. They were so happy. I couldn't afford it but it was magical.

I think that's why this is such a comedown

NoNoNo I have never been happier more sober than when I used to go running nearly every day.

But I got a knee problem and my physio said it's my gait and orthotics wouldn't help. I started cycling but I fell out with my cycling buddy and I daren't do country lanes on my own. Maybe I should try yoga or something.

I've been drinking too much for years as well and am turning 42 in a couple of weeks.

I was guilty initially of trying to do too much with them. I wanted to fill every single second and make it amazing. But I have calmed it down now. You can't keep up the full on activities and it isn't 'normal' for the kids either. DCs dad does all the Disney stuff with them - zoo, museum, aquarium. We do more free stuff. And stuff with other kids. That is my choice and I can't afford all the expensive day trips.

How old are your kids?

I feel guilty about dh as well. I was the one that ended it. He must miss them too and I'm conscious of it when they are with me. They are 10 and 12 and I think he fears getting frozen out as they are getting older.

I should have said they are both girls, that's why.

What was your knee problem? A lot of knee problems are IT band related or down to imbalances in glutes. If you think running would help, I would definitely try and get a second opinion.

go to the cinema or to the pub

Who with, Mushroom?

All my friends are in couples.

IT band related

That was exactly it. I've got a slight valgus deformity (cross eyed knees). It took me ages to pluck up the courage to go running as I look a bit silly and got laughed at primary school. Then I got so I didn't give a fuck. I went from being really unfit to doing 10Ks then I got the problem and it was hopeless. It's worse if you run downhill a lot and it's unavoidable here.

I also separated 3 months ago. I appreciate the lie in I get when they have stayed over and I know they like spending time with him and miss him. But I worry he will lose it over stuff, like things getting accidentally broken and I'm not there to protect them.

Go by yourself tired! Not the pub maybe but the cinema definately. Go to an early evening show or afternoon screening. You will be surprised to see you are not alone in your aloneness. Plus its better than being stuck inside the same four walls. Be brave, you can do it

My friend (divorced with shared PR for her two kids) told me three years after the divorce that, painful as the short separations from her children always are, she has become aware of a hidden benefit.

She has been forced to work on her own life: hobbies, friends, exercise, etc., and as the kids get older she is glad to have developed all these other interests. Now her eventual "empty nest" is something she is better prepared for.

Your coupled friends (if they are good friends) should have time for you too.

I found myself in the wierd position of my best mate ending her marraige within a couple of months if mine ending. As well as two mums at school who were going through divorce. So all of a sudden I had single friends.

I remember back in the summer looking out of my bedroom window and seeing every garden filled with families playing together. Couldn't have felt lower at that moment. Get so jealous of friends with good marraiges.