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Laugh, Cry, Indifference?

(53 Posts)
ThunderInMyHeart Thu 03-Jan-13 13:56:28

Hi all,

I'll try my best to keep it short - there's so much to say and I'm exhausted from it all as it is.

Some days I hate him. Others I adore him. Some days he adores me and the next, for no reason at all, he'll message me at work and blame me for everything, says he'll be so much happier alone and brings up things that happened 3 years ago e.g. that I 'was a tyrant and forbid him to see a friend' etc (the 'friend' was insulting me to DH's face, and DH (married 18 months) was doing zero to stand up for me).

My parents urge me to leave him.
He has Aspergers.

I'm always to blame and he is perfect, apparently.

Huge blow today: he recently got his job back but forgot to do some admin/clerical stuff, whose deadline has now passed. Instead of contacting someone and trying to get around it, he's just downed tools and refused to budge. I feel like I always have to pick him up and encourage him - whilst later getting told that I 'control him' and whatnot.

I'm 25 and, if I did leave him or let him leave me (he essentially, due to ASD wants to live alone in a studio flat and never have to interact with people), I don't know if I could survive in the dating world and get on with life easily. I know, it sounds pathetic. A few months ago I would be crying right now; instead, I just feel indifferent and so 'blah'. I'm spent.

A huge source of conflict is money. The first year of marriage saw me paying for everything (his capital is in a foreign currency and we were both students). When he failed various exams/found life tough, he said he was going back to his home country. I then demanded half the money back (he thinks I'm ridiculous to have interpreted this whole thing as him leaving me and turning his back). He made excuses for months to not give me my fair share - bad currency rate, he wanted to see bank statements etc etc. It finally came to a head when I had to get my parents to demand it out of him.

DH calls this 'extortion' etc etc etc. We're living together and I have to pay rent on my own as he says 'I already overpaid you (his allegation only), so I'm not paying rent' - I can't kick out someone with whom I'm trying to save a marriage, can I?

His grandmother gave the two of ussome money at Christmas. I asked for him to transfer my half into my bank account. He refuses.

I'm so angry and yet so 'can't be bothered any longer'.

Please, someone, tell me what to do and make it all make sense?

houseelfdobby Thu 24-Jan-13 21:12:51

..and let him keep his grandmother's money.

houseelfdobby Thu 24-Jan-13 21:12:17

sorry, that sounded a bit harsher than I meant it to: it is clear that you are unhappy and, as you are young, the obvious solution is to separate even if that seems difficult. Change is often hard but it will be worth it as you will both have the chance to find more suitable relationships. It will all work out eventually. Try to stay friends.

houseelfdobby Thu 24-Jan-13 21:10:25

"his grandmother had slagged off our wedding, worn white to the reception and failed to give us a wedding present. My complaint to him was that he needed to tell her this was not acceptable)"

You seem a little prone to over-reacting (you wanted him to tell his granny that it wasn't acceptable to wear white to your reception, and that she HAD to give you a present?? Your DH was stuck between a rock and a hard place if you were really giving him grief over that.

But really, whoever is right/wrong in individual matters, you just don't sound like you love him, nor he you. Get out now. FWIW I reckon that he is right when he tells you he would be happier on his own rather than with you (sorry).

Your OP implies that the only reason you are not leaving him seems to be because you are worried about dating. That's not a good reason to keep someone tied down. Let him go. You both sound miserable. Good luck.

ThunderInMyHeart Thu 24-Jan-13 20:56:29

Help sad

This afternoon he said he loves me.

I get home from work and he's so cold - not mean or hostile, just...unfazed? Like I'm an acquaintance or something.

He's gone out for a drink with a friend, and will be doing similar tomorrow and Sunday.

I'm now suddenly consumed by tears and the desire for him just to hug me and kiss my head and call me by his petname for me.

What the hell is happening?

Please help

dequoisagitil Thu 24-Jan-13 11:15:35

He won't change. He is what he is.

Of course you'll have doubts at times, but I think in short order you will feel lighter & happier and in the long-term you'll look back and know you did the right things for yourself. We all have regrets in life, but I don't think yours will be wishing you stayed in this marriage longer, more wishing you'd left sooner.

Re-read your OP. You are so unhappy in this marriage. You can make a new life for yourself out of it.

ThunderInMyHeart Thu 24-Jan-13 11:06:58

This morning I have made enquiries with divorce lawyers.

Could I request some hand-holding, please?

I'm doing the right thing, right? I won't regret it? I'll be ok? He'll never change?

drizzlecake, really? Tough love to the extreem hmm

OP, I divorced at 25. I'm 53 now and while it hasn't been a smooth path since then I have no regrets. I feel my life began the day we split up. Looking back now, I can barely remember the time I was married. I too felt a failure, but the real failure would be to stay in a marriage that made you so unhappy. So what if he's saying it's your fault? Look at the bigger picture - the rest of your life and all the adventures you'll have by not staying with him.

lovemenot Thu 24-Jan-13 09:24:41

Goodness Drizzlecake.....a bit harsh? Would you really cut your daughter out of your life if she was having such a hard time?

OP - being divorced at your age is no biggie. But thinking it all through and deciding what you do want and need from your life and knowing that your ex is not going to be the one for you is a good place to be. Be gentle on yourself, give yourself time to grieve the end of your marriage. Life will begin again before you know it!

Piemother Thu 24-Jan-13 08:52:45

So what if he does the leg work for the separation/divorce saves you a job! Don't over thi k it beyond that rally don't. Exh liked to feel superior as if only he was clever enough to deal with legal matters etc. seriously, so fucking what? The fact remains you are leaving him because he's an abusive, immature idiot. What he does between now and then and whatever nasty things he says/puts in his petition etc absolutely do not matter they are a means to an end and the end is you being young and free to live the life you want to.
You have no obligation to this man child!

drizzlecake Thu 24-Jan-13 08:45:03

if you were my daughter I would have cut you out of my life because I couldn't stand the anger and frustration I felt that you were wasting your life on such a twonk.
Get a grip and move on from this.

Bythe way none of my young female rellies was married at 25 as they were too busy getting a life and making a career.

That is too low, and very immature.
You really dont want him to have any financial reason to cling on to you.

You dont need a legal separation, and for him to instigate it. You can contact a lawyer, or get a Do it yourself divorce kit, and just serve him the papers.

To be honest, you are coming across very immature if your biggest concern is telling people that you are divorced. There is no failure in being divorced. Ok, some bad judgement on your part in marrying him, but marrying the wrong person, or marrying too soon, is a mistake many people can do. By divorcing him you are rectifying this mistake rather than being unhappy for years, suddenly finding yourself pregnant, and then feeling you cant leave because you are stuck, dont want to deprive your kids of a dad.

Listen to your mum in this.

ThunderInMyHeart Wed 23-Jan-13 22:50:59

He starts a lucrative job in mid-Feb...I know he lied big time about exam results on his application form. Quite tempting to tell his future employers...is that too low?

izzyizin Wed 23-Jan-13 22:39:49

Don't agree to legal seperation - just get on with divorcing him and, if you have reason to believe you may be entitled to legal aid, DO IT NOW as, from what you've said, you won't be entitled as of April of this year.

Piemother Wed 23-Jan-13 22:32:30

I empathise so much with the bit standing up for you part. Ime that never changes hmm time to go love

ThunderInMyHeart Wed 23-Jan-13 22:30:12

What a brilliant expression!

I guess it's because since he's technically the one angry with me now (rather than me with him on Friday), it's like making me out to be the 'bad one'. I realise that's immature.

As if he's saying, 'ha! She's so awful that I had to legally separate from her. She's the faulty one', whereas on Fri, it was me saying 'you exhaust me and I deserve better. Leave'

I have never gone back on wanting him to move out. I thought a break would be good, we could individually mend ourselves and then go to couples counselling.

dequoisagitil Wed 23-Jan-13 22:29:34

Even when you know it's the right thing, you often have a worm of hope in your heart that he will suddenly return to who you thought he was.

And of course it's crushing that the person you loved is willing to end the relationship and make it real by starting the process. Especially when he's suddenly getting in first.

It's still the best thing.

You are doing the right thing. Definitely.

susanann Wed 23-Jan-13 22:26:41

How is him seeking a legal separation turning it back on you sweetheart? Just be glad to be free of him. You dont want to spend your life feeling exhausted and trapped do you? Thank goodness you have no kids. Youre still young, you will meet someone else once you have got over this. You deserve so much better. Keep strong. Have you heard the saying "women are like teabags, you never know how strong they are till there in hot water" Its true!

ThunderInMyHeart Wed 23-Jan-13 22:20:37

Is it wrong to feel the pain now he's turned it back on me with seeking a lawyer/legal separation?

I wish we never got married

dequoisagitil Wed 23-Jan-13 22:18:54

You're doing the right thing. Honestly truly, it's no kind of a life to spend it like this.

You will be far better ending it now while you're both still young and have relatively little baggage rather than sticking it out in pain & anger for years to come, or bringing dc into it.

It will hurt a lot and it won't be easy, but you have your whole life ahead of you still, don't waste it on a bad relationship.

ManInBeige Wed 23-Jan-13 22:16:01

I've been on some recent dates with a divorced woman. She is fantastic. Funny, clever, beautiful. You have nothing to worry about once the initial grief is over.

carlywurly Wed 23-Jan-13 22:03:33

You are doing totally the right thing. Leaving a marriage is never easy, but you're doing it to give yourself a happier future. You will be ok.

ThunderInMyHeart Wed 23-Jan-13 21:57:06

Thank you so much for the support.

I felt totally in control, happy and optimistic after I told him to leave. I admit, now he's taken it to legal separation, I feel so much pain again.

If someone can just post something or even just bump, I'd be really grateful.thanks

suburbophobe Wed 23-Jan-13 21:46:01

He's a head fuck as well as a scrounger. He will never make you happy.

I'm always to blame and he is perfect, apparently.

I'm exhausted from it all as it is.

That's all you need to know....

Run for the hills!

Lueji Wed 23-Jan-13 21:19:28

Sounds like my twat ex, and he doesn't have Aspergers. To my knowledge.

Just normal abusive behaviour when things don't go their way.

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