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Husband leaving because I've put on weight and he can't bear to look at me.

(87 Posts)
UterusUterusGhaLaLaLaLaLi Thu 03-Jan-13 08:57:10

Hi all.

I've been going through a v rough patch with dh.
I got PND with my last child, and have put on roughly 3-4 stone in weight. (I'm now a 16/18)

My husband has always had a lower sex drive than me, but in the last year we have done it a handful of times. Dh admitted it was because I'm so fat & really hard to live with. I'm convinced hes having an affair too.

I know I should kick him out. But I really really don't want my marriage to fail. We both work 14hour days, so I don't know what I'll do for childcare. I really can't cope with 3 children on my own.

I just can't stop crying. He has been so cruel.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 05-Jan-13 13:05:39

I would explain to the children, together, that Dad is going away but will see them again on x day, call on the telephone or whatever. BTW... find other childcare long-term. It may be convenient for you both but having exes hanging around like a bad smell as childminders - especially abusive, unfaithful ones that have spent years insulting your appearance and smashing your confidence - is not good for your mental health and won't help you move on with your life.

UterusUterusGhaLaLaLaLaLi Sat 05-Jan-13 12:41:30

Should the children see him leave, or should he put them to bed?
He'll be back at 06:00 to watch them while I work.

Im sweating the small stuff, aren't I? grin

Oh Love, this is the best diet you will ever have, you are about to lose several stone of usless fat!

You are NOT NOT NOT NOT the problem he is! Infact the only problem you may have is some bad luck or possibly defulty shit man detector.

You are NOT fat, I bet you would look lovely at a size 28 never mind an 18.

Sertrolin is terrible for weight gain, and I bet your depression will start to ease once you circumstances change.

Ok, so now you need to be proactive,

Make an Appointment and go to the CAB
Find the numbers for solictors in your area that deal with divorce
Get claim packs for every benefit you can and fill them in (CAB will help there)
Make an appointment with the GP.
See if you can get some counciling (relate may be able to help) for Free FOR YOU! Not to try and help you and DP but to help you have some support and a safe area to decompress.
Bag up his clothes but I would not worry about the stuff on the walls

You will be ok,

giraffesCantGoFirstFooting Sat 05-Jan-13 10:29:13

you deserve more

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 05-Jan-13 10:26:50

Absolutely tell him Sunday night isn't convenient. In fact, even if it was convenient, you'd still say it's not convenient. This is about you setting the agenda from now on, shifting the power balance in the relationship in order to start rebuilding your confidence.

Also... if post-maintenance he would be left with a disproportionately high amount of money, then that probably means the amount is too low. The CSA calculator is just a guide.. a bare minimum... but you can agree a higher sum between you. A decent man should not want his children to live in poverty

MadAboutHotChoc Sat 05-Jan-13 10:12:06

Find out about maintenance and child support.

I would put all his stuff in bags.

Tell him SUnday night is not convenient. Suggest a date and time that SUITS you.

Bearandcub Sat 05-Jan-13 10:11:46

I would say yes, bag up his belongings - why would you want them there in your home as reminders of him and his vile behaviour.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you OP.

UterusUterusGhaLaLaLaLaLi Sat 05-Jan-13 10:01:20

Thanks all for your advice.

Bogeyface, I was at work yesterday, so didn't get to call anyone. I did do the benfits calculator thingie. It's going to be so so tight, but the dc will qualify for free school meals. <weak smile>

Meanwhile he will have, after maintenance etc, £1500 odd to play with. Thats pretty galling. sad

I don't know if this is for good or not. He days he wants to talk Sunday night, but I have to get ready for school and I've work the next day too.

Ive started bagging up his clothes, but should I take stuff like his pictures of the wall yet, or his granddads medals etc?

Bogeyface Thu 03-Jan-13 23:32:14

He leaves on Sunday, so get onto the CSA tomorrow, along with tax credits, etc.

You wont be in poverty and he will be made to pay for his children.

So sorry that he is doing this to you, but I promise you will look back a year from now and be happy that you are no longer with him, and amazed that you put up with him for so long.

MumVsKids Thu 03-Jan-13 19:55:01

One month from now your life will be unrecognisable uterus in a good way that is.

Once you have lost the baggage that is the fuckwit you are currently saddled with, you will definitely likely find that the depression will lift, your self esteem will increase, as will your confidence, and you can have some of your life back.

Does he have to wait until Sunday??? No time like the present and all that.

You will get lots and lots of support from mn, but your strength will increase daily. No one has the right to squash your confidence like he has, he's a bully of the worst kind and you're deserve better.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Thu 03-Jan-13 18:03:49

I am sorry this is happening to you, but not sorry he is leaving.

It is for the best...for you and your dc

Be prepared for a last minute change of heart though. Not because he remembered he loved you really, but that ow has cold feet and his plans are not panning out as he hoped

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 03-Jan-13 17:57:31

You will not be in poverty but you need to get hold of a good family solicitor and quickly. You also need to get hold of the details of his bank accounts and earnings pronto so that he can't salt more money away and deprive you or DD of it. You'll have to be prepared to play as dirty as he has been doing but I think you'll find it therapeutic to get back in the metaphorical driving seat of your own life.

Don't worry about the new woman. Your gain is her loss.

UterusUterusGhaLaLaLaLaLi Thu 03-Jan-13 17:51:02

He leaves on Sunday.

I am just so angry. He can afford to take the dc away, I will be in poverty.

His new woman probably thinks he's amazing. If only she knew.

ledkr Thu 03-Jan-13 16:26:09

I think you have allowed him to convince you that it's your fault and its because you are disgusting.
Let me help you with this. I have been fat and I have been thin. Never been short of friends or loving relationships when either.
I was in a very abusive relationship when I was under 9 stone. I met my amazing dh when I was 12 stone he literally worships me.
I have also put weight on since dd was born and am quite frankly overweight.
I shall lose it eventually but in the meantime I am still the same woman he loved 6 years ago just a bit bigger.
Should he tell me I am disgusting and that he wants to leave I would help him pack!
This is his stuff not yours. Take control of things and get rid. You can't feel any worse than you do now. Taking your life back will in fact make you feel better.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 03-Jan-13 16:09:45

He doesn't hate you. He wants something else and you're standing between him and the thing he wants. So he's being nasty hoping you'll ask him to leave and then he can say he left because it's what you wanted.

Abusers aren't 'dormant'. Everyone is capable of being abusive and it's just a question of emphasis and intent. The better you know someone, the easier it is to upset them if that's your intention. He knows you're sensitive about your weight so that's what he picks on when he wants to make you unhappy. I'm sure you can think of something that would have a similar effect on him.... some trigger subject.

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 03-Jan-13 16:04:15

Be prepared though that this nastiness is part of the real him though.

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 03-Jan-13 16:03:30

All the more reason for you to kick him out.

He is in this fantasy lust fuelled affair bubble and nothing will change unless you burst this bubble. He is so addicted to the ego boosting attentions of OW that he feel justified in being so horrible and nasty.

UterusUterusGhaLaLaLaLaLi Thu 03-Jan-13 15:49:34

See, he was never nasty before. There's no way he was a dormant abuser or whatever.

He used to be so respectful of women. Some of the things he's done to me in the last few weeks would have made his stomach churn in the past.

He genuinely hates me. sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 03-Jan-13 15:42:01

"most likely subconsciously pick abusive men"

Can we stop peddling this myth that victims somehow choose to be with abusers... subconsciously or consciously? Abusive men do not walk about with 'I am a nasty bastard' t-shirts on. They are often just as pleasant and charming as non-abusive men.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 03-Jan-13 15:34:46

"I don't know how my dd will take it"

Her reaction may surprise you. Children can be remarkably observant and what's been going on won't have passed her by. If you present this as a positive change, keep her informed, tell her she's loved and are don't try to mask either the truth or your feelings too much, then that's about as good as it gets.

He's probably been diverting the rent money to the place he plans to go and stay. Makes it even more likely he's got someone else. So sorry.

UterusUterusGhaLaLaLaLaLi Thu 03-Jan-13 15:33:50

I think I c&p'd Olaga's post a while back. It was very good. smile

I do need to go to the CAB and speak to the landlord.

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 03-Jan-13 15:25:49

I agree that he is probably the cause of your depression.

What a vile man he is.

The best way for him to regain his respect for you is for you NOT to beg, be clingy or cry in front of him.

Act dignified and tell him to pack his bags and go. Or even better fill bin bags with his crap and leave by the door.

Get legal advice - do a search for Olaga's posts, she gives great advice about benefits, finances etc.

UterusUterusGhaLaLaLaLaLi Thu 03-Jan-13 15:24:31

Blether, he said I could see his bank statements as I found out he hasn't paid the rent or bills for a couple of months. He's yet to show me though, as he made his statements paperless.

He has told me he hates me. He would leave tonight but I've got to get up at 05:30 for work tomorrow, so it's mote practical if he sleeps on the sofa.

You guys have been great. I keep re reading your posts to get some strength & clarity. I just feel so cold & weak.

I don't know how my dd will take it. She's 10, and away this week. I know for her I can't keep this up. What kind of a message is this to send her? (putting up with it, I mean.)

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Thu 03-Jan-13 15:11:40

Uterus, it is absolutely not you! The problem is that you have been repeatedly abused, and most likely subconsciously pick abusive men. The best thing to do would be to drop this asshole and get some counselling for YOU to improve your self esteem and self worth.

You will then be able to make better decisions as to the relationships you form.

It is not you that makes them like this, they will say that to anyone who does not bend to their will or live by their standards.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Thu 03-Jan-13 13:36:38

"He swears on his children's life he isn't having an affair."

Then he's definitely having an affair.

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