Is relationship with DP of 5 years at an end? - very long and boring

[mugsandcups]

I'm late 40s - thought 5 years ago I'd found the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. We'd both recently come out of crap relationships and he was besotted with me and i loved the attention after years of disinterest from XDH. I tried to slow things down but he wanted us to get married - I tried to go along with this - looked at wedding venues etc - but eventually had to tell him it wasn't what i wanted, yet.

We never quite recoverd from this and things changed after that - he was not so into me, but still very loving and supportive and a genuinely nice honest guy, as he still is, and the sex was/is great

We don't live together and he's recently had a lot of money worries an dwork problems which I've tried to be supportive about , including lending him a sizable amount of money which he's gradually paying me back, but I know this has made him feel useless.

Over the last year things have been more distant between us, when we're not together, but mostly good when we're together - about 2 nights a week. I don't like texting and he doesn't like phoning, though we're both capable of either. So when we're not together there's almost no communication. But it used to be that if I phoned him, he'd answer or see the missed call and ring me back. But over Xmas/New Year, when he was with his adult DC in another part of the country - I was with mine - there has been very minimal communication. I texted him a happy xmas and a happy new year message and he sent me one back. He texted me the weekend between Xmas and NY asking if I wanted to go out and i phoned him - said I couldn't as something already arranged I couldn't get out of - he suggested the following weekend and i said I'd let him know not sounding good, is it?

When i phoned him on new year's day, thinking he'd be home - i just got a text back saying he was with his DC again. Was a little hurt he hadn't mentioned this, but rang him just to have a chat and he didn't get back to me which is unusual.

Presume he's back home now as had work today so has had plenty of time to get in touch, but hasn't. I have some sad stuff going on with a sick friend so I think he should have known i could have wanted to speak to him about this - didn't, just wanted to have a chat as I've missed him.

I'm feeling sad that the relationship seems to be fizzling out and that he's been disrespectful in not returning my call and I know its time to have that conversation about whether its time to end the relationship. But feel sad and suppose i don't want to be alone at my advanced age.

I know there'll be cries of OW, but i don't think there is one. Seems he's just not that into me, which I find posssible to accept, because that's perhaps how I now feel about him. I suppose I like having a partner in the background, and in the very distant background he still is.

Sorry, this is very long and very boring. What do I do?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

As I never trust men when it comes to money, I'd be making sure those loan repayments were tied up nice and legally and then having the 'it's been nice knowing you' conversation. You could possibly stay friends...

[dequoisagitil]

But you said you'd "let him know" about the following weekend, so tbh, it wouldn't have sounded to him like you were that keen either.

It doesn't sound like either of you are that bothered anymore, but you expect him to be more into you (because that's the way it's always been)? And now he's giving up, you're a bit miffed/upset.

[dequoisagitil]

Cog's right about the loan, of course.

[jessjessjess]

I don't think either of you are bothered enough.

DH and I both loathe making phone calls but will happily call each other when apart.

[izzyizin]

Practical matters first: approximately how much did you loan him, how much has he repaid, and do you have it in writing?

On the general subject of your relationship, it may be that it's run its course but I'd hazard a guess your continued lack of enthusiasm about moving it to another level has been exascerbated by the loan which, again I'm guessing, may have made him feel emasculated at having to ask for, or having accepted, a handout from you.

Overall, it very much sounds as if he's been little more than a convenience for you. He boosted your ego after you'd left a crap marriage and has provided you with the illusion of 'coupledom' for the past 5 years but, throughout, you've gone to great pains to keep him at arm's length.

I doubt you'll be overly bothered if he's met someone else, but I suspect the reason for his distance has more to do with the above and he's been finding some joy in interacting with others who don't know too much about his financial/work problems.

As for what you do, all you can do is talk to him. Maybe he's content with your long term fwb arrangement but, if not, you can end it with dignity.

[mugsandcups]

izzyizin - regarding the loan - its in writing, done via a solicitor.

I think i would actually be bothered if he'd met someone else - but probably not as much i should be. Hadn't thought of it as a fwb arrangement, but that's exactly what's its become

[izzyizin]

You'd be right to be bothered if he's met someone and he's screwing both of you but otherwise would it really be such a big deal?

I reckon you've got a good thing going for you - a non-demanding man you can keep in the cupboard and wheel out once or twice a week. That's got to be a saving on rabbit batteries

[mugsandcups]

[Allergictoironing]

Try turning it round a bit. You meet a guy, things get very exciting & you start talking about marriage. Then the guy says he's not ready to commit yet.

Fast forward a few years & he's still putting off marriage. You get into financial problems & he lends you money. This Christmas you both have DC commitments, but you try to arrange a meet up & he says "sorry busy, I'll let you know". He doesn't contact you to arrange anything else so you independantly arrange to go out with your kids - and why not, he hasn't bothered to get back in touch with you.

If things had been this way round, most MNers would be saying "he's not that into you, leave him". He's probably feeling this about you, and is trying to protect himself from heartache.