dp is in hospital with pancreatitis

[Theala]

we're on 'holiday' in his home country, staying with his sister.
dp was diagnosed bipolar ii during the summer when i forced him to get help after a big alcohol binge. he was put on medication andvtold to stay off drink.
he has been much better since then but has been in holiday mode since being here and was drinking shots with his bil last night. he started vomiting early this morning, so we took him to hospital and now he's been told he has pancreatis. he's being kept in we don't know until when.
we were meant ti be leaving this morning and now I'm here on my own with his family.
i don't know what to do or what to think. should i give him one last chance to give up the drink or cut my losses and get out of this relationship now? i can't stop crying.

[AfterEightMintyy]

Oh I am so sorry! If I were you I think I'd stay there with him until the current crisis is over and he hopefully gets out of hospital, but then leave him. It would just be too much to leave him in this desperate state and while he is in hospital you are not required to look after him.

[tiredofwaitingforitalltochange]

Really sorry for you.

Do you love him?

He is ill and needs your support but it would be understandable if you don't have the stomach for it.

A lot of people who have taken control of their drinking have a lapse at Christmas. Do the wider family know how important it is that he doesn't drink?

[izzyizin]

What do you get out of this relationship?

Have you been able to delay your flight/travel arrangements for the return journey?

When are you expected to be back at work?

[Theala]

thanks fir the replies. they do now tired. he didn't tell them about the bipolar. i showed the doctor his meds but i don't know if he told the family about that. but they obviously know the pancreatis is from alcohol. there's a language barrier so its hard to know what's going on sometimes.
i used to be very sure that i loved him but now i don't know. i don't know if i can do this anymore. i've lost confidence in a happy future for us.

[Theala]

journey home can be put off for a few days but if he needs to stay here for longer I'll have ti fly back without him as i'm back at work next Thursday.

[Clarabell78]

I'd say the bipolar is the least of your worries ATM. Sounds as if he is an alcoholic. Get in touch with al anon / they are wonderful with partners /family of those dealing with someone with alcohol issues.

[Clarabell78]

P.s I was diagnosed with various mental health issues including bipolar for many years. The real issue is that I'm an alcoholic which resulted in all the other behavior. I didn't get 'better' until I got sober. Not saying your OH is the same but a lot of alcoholics would rather have almost any other label put on them than face the truth. Certainly if he is bipolar alcohol is the worst thing he can be indulging in. Good luck x

[tiredofwaitingforitalltochange]

Only you can decide what to do. What meds is he on?

Bipolar is treatable, but it won't go away. It fluctuates, and sometimes there are symptoms, sometimes there are long periods of normal mood. But there will probably be more episodes for him, his medication may need to be adjusted (his diagnosis was recent, and it may take a while to get the right drug/dose for him).

When I said he was ill and needed your support I wasn't talking about the pancreatitis. You need to research bipolar disorder and see if you have the stomach for a ltr with someone with it. He will probably binge again in the future. Do you love him enough? To make it work you will need to have sympathy and understanding, and to help him manage his illness. You can of course only do this with his acceptance of it and his co-operation and wish to be well.

It's hard not to blame someone for damaging behaviour, but it is not 'his fault' in the sense that he isn't as able to control urges to drink as someone without bipolar - I'm afraid it goes with the territory.

To get pancreatitis is pretty serious and if he has more binges he may have more episodes which puts him at risk of chronic pancreatitis. Don't know how much you know about it, but basically the pancreas releases lots of digestive enzymes. In pancreatitis booze inflames it and the enzymes are released and effectively start digesting the organ itself. If this happens too many times the damage is irreversible and it becomes a chronic problem that interferes with the effective functioning of the digestive system.

Really feel for you, you sound terribly upset :(

You need to ask how much you value your relationship with him. If he's the ideal partner, or at least a good one, when he is well, then you might be prepared to help him live with his illness. But if he's not, then you should probably walk away, though that sounds cruel.

[tiredofwaitingforitalltochange]

Oh dear, X-posted with Clarabell who seems to be saying the opposite of what I have said. Hers is a good point, however. He may be an alcoholic who has been diagnosed with bipolar because of drinking behaviour. Some people get on worse with booze than others and their behaviour is more extreme and difficult.

On the other hand, people who do have bipolar usually have issues with substance abuse. It's a symptom of the illness and is often self-medicating - it goes with the exuberance of the highs, and can help to alleviate the lows. So bipolar and alcoholism often co-exist, and as Clarabell says, drinking is a really bad idea for someone with bipolar.

Either way, he has problems that many people wouldn't take on, and you have to ask yourself if it is worth it for you, or if you should cut your losses and leave a relationship that is causing you pain. Your first responsibilities are to yourself.

[izzyizin]

As many will flying home from the holidays in the next few days, I would suggest you book your flight sooner rather than later.

Depending on the length of the journey, I'd prefer return on Tuesday and have day to reacclimatise before going back to work.

I'd insist be suggesting he spends some time convalecesing in the care of his family when he's discharged from hospital.

[Theala]

Clara, his psychiatrist thinks he's self-medicating the bipolar with alcohol and dope. of course he could be and probably is both bipolar and alcoholic.

tired, i only know what i read today on wiki today about pancreatitis so thanks for the extra info. i read quite a good bit about bipolar after he was dx and decided that i could live with it if he was equally on board with managing it. but now i don't know if i can cope with it tbh.
when he's good, he's great. but recently it's all been too much.
sorry for typos. am on phone and exhausted.

[tiredofwaitingforitalltochange]

It's not just you that should be taking all this on your shoulders OP. Like you say, he needs to be 'equally on board'. But this bout of pancreatitis was caused by the session drinking shots with the bil. His family also need to be on board, to take this seriously, and to help support him and you.

If you don't think they will do this, or you think they will enable his destructive behaviour then you've got a much bigger problem.

[Theala]

izzy I'm waiting to see what his doc says tomorrow and will decide abiyt journey home then. doc is still waiting for some test results.

tired, your last paragraph is exactly what I'm asking myself.

thanks very much for the replies folks. it's helped me not to feel so alone. think i need to get some sleep now but will update tomorrow. thank you.

[Theala]

eh your last para in your penultimate post. :)

[Theala]

update: turns out he didn't have panacreatitis but acute gastritis, which is not quite as bad. he's been let out today and we're going home tomorrow.
we've got lots of serious talking to be done once we're home to see if we can sort out a
future for ourselves. thanks again for the support last night.

[tiredofwaitingforitalltochange]

Good luck with it all Theala x