Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
EXh is now blackmailing me, unless I hand him my Child Benefit(79 Posts)
Sorry its long, I guess I need to vent too...
I hope I can get some advice and support as I am at the end of my tether, I wish my exh would move on, and leave me alone, though I am resigning myself to the fact that he never will :-(
I received a text on Boxing day (probably to deliberately to upset me during the holidays, which it did) It said he didn't want his son dressing like the pauper of his school or begging for clothes?? This was directed at me yet I don't let my ds want for anything. And so I should hand over my Child Benefit to him as he would so a better job! Then on collecting my ds yesterday, he asked me if I had the relevant info ie. my CB number so he can contact HMRC to arrange the hand over my child benefit to him, he told me he doesn't want to contest it through HMRC as all payment would stop (I don't care) otherwise an enquiry will begin? I asked what he meant and he said he will report me to Social Services?? I know this is blackmail. I can't believe he is stooping so low after 6 years! I moved 6 months ago from a rented property into a lovely new home with my dp, things are good, my DS enjoys this home, gets on well with dp's ds from a previous marriage, I am a good mum. I think my exh still wants to control me and will go to any lengths to be a SOB and upset us all. I know him, I'm sure if it is not this, it will be something else
When I left exh almost 6 years ago, I had nothing, it took 12 months to get any money from our separation, I rented an unfurnished flat, I had no beds for my ds and I, not a chair to sit on, nothing. I earned 1/3 of his salary and I struggled to build a home for us. Yet he would turn to me and say I am not giving any money towards a school uniform, shoes, jacket, I am not paying towards his karate classes or school trips, or anything! - he would tell me - 'you can pay for it you get child benefit'. I bought it all myself even though exh benefitted from it.
He said to me yesterday, you didn't want for anything. I was actually treated like a door mat. I did everything, looking after ds, all driving, cooking (I actually had to wake him when dinner was ready), cleaning, shopping, ironing, clean car and servicing etc, I was miserable, I realised he was manipulative and controlling. I could give so many instances when he was just was horrible. And I would be divorced but just to sort the finances cost thousands because he would not agree to anything and because I was working freelance I got no Legal aid. I know it is all Control! He is still single btw.
I won't speak to him on the phone because he is just horrible. I allow text's only to arrange hand over of our DS who is now a teenager. Though his texts of late cause me to get upset.
Would you had over the CB? WWYD? As I said any advice would be gratefully received.
Agreed on the will, and also that you need to report all this to protect yourself.
File a CSA claim! That isn't your money, it's for your son! He is entitled to it. And next time your son says you should pay for something, you get the CB, fire back that actually as his father has never paid a penny in child support you very much disagree. All kids that age know dads are meant to pay that. And no, I don't usually agree with involving kids at all, but at 14 you need to nip that attitude in the bud, as otherwise his beloved papa is going to warp his son's attitude towards women and mothers, and another woman may well reap the consequences later on down the line.
Please stand up for yourself. He's bullying you because you always roll over. Stop.
Agree with above - do not give him CB, and ring them to explain what he's threatened so they have it on file. He is after the money and may well be planning to then try for custody and pursue you for maintenance.
You should put a CSA claim in, even if you don't think he'll end up paying.
I would report the blackmail threats to the police, so that that's also on record if he puts forward any malicious allegations.
As you are not divorced, do you have a will ? Otherwise , if anything happens to you, your ex has a claim on your property.
I'd suggest calling the police too - they take blackmail very seriously. They know that abusive partners / ex partners use it.
My XH used blackmail against my family to try to get me to go back to him.
My exh was/is exactly like yours. My DS is also kitted out with what he needs, when he needs it.
For your sake you must go to the CSA as everyone else has suggested. It will secure your position.
By the way most judges do not like breaking the status quo with regards to children's residence unless absolutely necessary.
Why on earth aren't you pursuing him for maintenance? Report him to the CSA. Then you'll have a bit more cash to kit him out as your ex might like - not that that's got anything to do with it. He's clearly got another agenda.
I'd claim CSA before he does, then its on file about when the last time he paid was and how often he has DS for overnight visits, then you have some proof over his non concern.
If he's so concerned about his clothing and he's not paying CSA then he should jolly well buy him a jacket and you should tell him so.
It wouldn't be a bad idea to gently tell your ds that his dad doesn't actually pay a penny towards his upkeep.
Don't hand over the CB I doubt he has genuine concerns about ds welfare as if he was a good dad he wold have paid something in CM for the years you have been separated.
He either has got money problems or has his eye on the fact it's a passport to other benefits or to enable him to go to the CSA on you.
so you need to go to a solicitor and the csa - get it on record you are the primary carer.
your son won't want to go and live with him anyway - and no judge will make a teen go and live with a parent they do not want to live with
Stupid, stupid me - when I asked if he was having money problems he said 'it's not about the money' how did I miss that! < kicking myself > it may well be custody he's after. Yes and money!!
please go to the csa - take back the control. This again will prove you are the main carer. I cannot understand how he can get away without paying a penny for his child plus try and blackmail you for your child benefit - I would also speak to the police about the blackmail, and Woman's Aid. They can point you in the direction of a decent solicitor who is well versed in abusive ex partners and their scams.
I kept waking up at night and thinking what should I do...
If in doubt, do nothing... and post on mumsnet in the morning
Start counting the days down till you can divorce him online and, in the meantime, set the CSA on to the fucker - they're well versed in dealing with manipulative twunts.
If you are entitled to any tax credits I would advise claiming those too as it further records your position as the main carer and him as the non-resident. If he knows he is not entitled then he has checked this hasn't he?
Please consider going to the police about this blackmail too. He is not the main carer and is trying to blackmail you into committing a fraud since he pays no maintenance and is not the main carer he is not entitled to the child benefit; www.hmrc.gov.uk/childbenefit/start/who-qualifies/what-is-childbenefit.htm
Offred is bang on. If he genuinely thought you were a bad carer to his son then a decent parent would do something about it (eg report to SS / fight for custody). "Feel free to carry on being a crap parent to my child as long as you pay me off" = truly dreadful human being.
Also start a claim through the CSA.
Thank you, I will get an appointment my solicitor.
If you have child benefit and a CSA claim against him he will not be able to claim he is the main carer for either of those purposes or to keep hold of assets/take your assets from you that you and ds should be entitled to in the divorce.
So he thinks he can claim the CHB and the try CSA from you. He may even be trying to build a case to have custody of ds which sounds like it would be a terrible idea if all he is bothered about is money.
why don't you claim any maintenance from him - it makes no sense?
It wouldn't surprise me if he then tried to claim maintenance from me!!
Yes, I think it would be wise to seek legal advice and hold on tightly to the child benefit.
He would absolutely be seen as the main carer if he was getting the child benefit, that is how main carer is defined.
Offred - I did ask re tax credits and he said he's not entitled. It does seem all about money :-( and no I dont claim any payments from him.
Amberleaf - as I was writing I was thinking about our divorce, there may be more to this. I think I need to speak to my solicitor. So if he got CB he would be seen as main carer. This could be more than money. It wouldn't surprise me if he then tried to claim maintenance from me!!
Give hs details to the CSA
Ignore his texts, read laugh & move.them to a separate folder to keep as.evidence.
Get DS to arange access as &when he wants it - within acceptable limits that fit jnto.your family life .
Could Dp do the drop off for a.bit?
Otherwise you are colluding with x to raise ds to think x is what a father should be, he will emulate your relationship in his own life. The way to break the cycle of this is to firmly demonstrate when unreasonable behaviour is unreasonable. The best way of doing that is to use outside agencies to give credibility to your view that the behaviour is wrong.
If he is down as the primary carer he wont have to pay child support will he? you will
Do not hand over the child benefit! he cant make you so dont worry.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.