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Step children lying... Modern Family difficulties

(140 Posts)
Harrisd Sun 30-Dec-12 13:53:40

My fiancée and I had a devastating row ruining what would otherwise was a great Xmas. We live together with her daughter (my stepdaughter) full time. She is 7. My daughter lives with her mother (8yrs old) and is with us most weekends and half of all holidays. My relationship with my stepdaughter is great. Very proud that she feels she can call me daddy. its not always easy of course but my fiancee and i have done our best to understand things as we have gone along and work together to ensure a happy loving home. We still have the odd disagreement over rolls and responsibilities etc. and mistakes have been made. neither of us sure sometimes of the best way to act.

Back to my Fiancée, she has worked very hard over the Xmas holidays to ensure that neither of our daughters feels outdone by the other (a common balancing act). In fact she is always conscious that the two feel equally loved. She often feels that this love is not reciprocated by my daughter in the someway I am loved by hers. My daughter was given a mobile phone as a gift. My fiancée was horrified to find a string of text messages on it to her maternal mother that were essentially lies indicating that she was having a terrible time for one reason and the next. It instantly broke my Fiancées heart. It's not the first time we have encountered this and my Fiancée feels gutted by this following all of the efforts made to ensure a special Xmas period. We both work very hard in our careers and work very hard at maintaining our "modern day" family. Heart breaking. I strongly told my daughter off ending by telling her I was extremely disappointed with her and that lies are never acceptable etc. I left her to sleep crying without even saying good night (this now breaks my heart as I think that this was a terrible way for me to react). Not knowing what to do or say about the situation to get under the skin of it all. I let my emotions rule my head. Now I'm completely distraught as I feel my whole family slipping away...

snowshapes Mon 31-Dec-12 12:51:43

Wrote a longer post but my pc ate it, so short version as on phone again. Reflecting on this it struck me that in any difficulties, DH and I tended to see our own child's pov first, and defend that, so to speak. Working out how to co-parent in a complex stepfamily has taken time, patience and understanding and is an ongoing process. One seeks to understand and calm, not escalate, tensions.

So I guess what seems odd here is that OP so quickly took his DP's side against his young DD, when actually the texts seem quite understandable, if hurtful, from a child in that position. Of course, me saying well, I wouldn't send DD back was an emotive reaction, but really, I would be looking for some reassurance that her dad was taking her needs seriously, had this happened, and not just going waaaah, it's all falling apart because a 7 year old is behaving like a 7 year old, and banishing her in tears.

BoneyBackJefferson Mon 31-Dec-12 12:47:57

yohohoho

that would be extrememly difficult in this case.

givemeaclue Mon 31-Dec-12 12:05:07

You say your dd loves the way the family has developed but perhaps she doesn't, perhaps she is unhappy as sharing her dad etc but feels she can't say so.

It is all a bit of a mess!

givemeaclue Mon 31-Dec-12 11:59:56

Why does a seven year old need a BlackBerry?

Why is her mother struggling financially?

izzyhasanewchangeling Mon 31-Dec-12 11:51:01

If I had my time again I would have taken sds phone off her the minute she got to our house - it created a nightmare situation where her mother abusing it.

Contacting sd late into the night and making her very unhappy.

She would be fine one minute - sobbing on the floor the next.

AmberLeaf Mon 31-Dec-12 11:42:51

It concerns me that you are dismissing your daughters feelings as lies.

Your fiancee sounds like a manipulative drama queen.

It may well be very difficult for your daughter that your step father calls you Dad.

Snooping on the phone is so so wrong, as is an eight year old having a blackberry!

You seem to be placing more importance on your fiancees so called 'heartbreak' than on the fact your daughter cried herself to sleep.

Just wrong on so many levels.

dequoisagitil Mon 31-Dec-12 11:29:21

Yeah, yoho, I was tempted to say something like that myself.

yohohoho Mon 31-Dec-12 11:17:00

I think the 'not thinking' is a common theme.

Oh, ok thanks for that dequoisagitil

dequoisagitil Mon 31-Dec-12 09:57:36

I think the thread title is possibly because HarrisD started off posting on an old thread and was advised to start his own, and that one was called something about step-children. I guess he just took part of the title for his own without really thinking? I don't think it necessarily means he's not who he says he is.

"Step children lying" was the start of your thread title.

Step children - but you were talking about your daughter lying. So either you are the fiancée posting as the dad, or you are the mum, posting as the dad.

Please clear up the confusion

Well, op, has any of this helped? Are you the fiancée? Is this a reverse thread from the mother?

What is going on?

yohohoho Mon 31-Dec-12 07:46:01

BoneyBackJefferson

The poster that mention his house not being her home was suggestng it as one of the reason she may feel unhappy. Stating some is also not aggressive.

You say that people are letting their own situations cloud you judgement. I think you may be as well.

izzyizin Mon 31-Dec-12 05:42:24

From the nauseating way in which the OP describes his precious- Fiancee, I'd be sorely tempted to insert a Blackberry into one of her orifices where the sun don't shine it won't receive a signal, emma smile

As for him, nothing can provoke me to violence except cruelty to children

akaemmafrost Mon 31-Dec-12 05:21:08

Agree with snowshapes too. I'd have ripped OP and fiancée new ones (figuratively) and given fiancée something to really cry about.

izzyizin Mon 31-Dec-12 01:34:26

I fully agree with snowshapes. On discovering that your child has been deliberately left to cry itself to sleep, the natural reaction of any right minded parent would be to not place their dc at risk of any further such occurrence.

The fact that this 'd'p and his dFiancee are clearly away with the fucking fairies not in their right minds would further reinforce the desire to protect dc from their delusions excesses.

<departs to cast another beady eye on the 'step' board>

snowshapes Mon 31-Dec-12 00:40:14

What attitude? That I wouldn't want DD to be left to cry to sleep? I wouldn't. I mean, I get that I can't go wading in there, but that thought would be heartbreaking. I honestly would find it very hard to send her back.

exoticfruits Sun 30-Dec-12 21:59:51

I really don't know how that attitude helps the DD snowshapes! All the adults in her life need to stop thinking about themselves and put her first- not use her as a pawn to be fought over.

snowshapes Sun 30-Dec-12 21:39:22

If my dd were left to cry herself to sleep at her dad's house, over something like this, she would not be going back.
FWIW, I have an 8 year old DSD and I can't imagine snooping through her things or leaving her crying, for that matter.
What planet are you on? Stepfamilies can be hard work, but the basic rule is always, always that the kids did not choose it.

perfectstorm Sun 30-Dec-12 21:20:35

I really, really hope this thread is not for real. Because if it is, there's a child here who will eventually cut all contact with her father to protect her own sanity, and I certainly wouldn't blame her.

And snooping on an 8 year old's private messages to her own mother, then punishing her because you don't like what you should never have read? My God, that's a new level of low.

Booyhoo Sun 30-Dec-12 21:19:19

trust me to tell me how he feels.

Booyhoo Sun 30-Dec-12 21:18:08

yes convict it has revealed a problem but surely the dad shouldn't be depending on seeing private text messages between an 8 year old and her mum to know that! my ds is 7 and doesn't have a phone, i dont expect to be privvy to all the conversations between him and his dad. i trust my instinct to let me know if he's ok or not and i let him know that he can trust me to tell him how he feels. i also trust that his dad will come to me if he feel there is anything i should know about our dcs that they have told him. i definitely dont think this incident should be used as 'proof' that texts between child and parent need to be monitored. if you really think your child's parent will be harming them through text then you dont let the dc have a phone and dont let the parent have contact!

Jemma1111 Sun 30-Dec-12 21:08:10

Hoping this thread isn't for real because if it is , well, that poor child is all I can say.

If this is genuine then Op, have a word with yourself .

Convict224 Sun 30-Dec-12 21:07:19

Booyhoo, well in this case it has opened a can of worms and either the Dad has no idea how his child sees their time together and needs to learn how to make her happier or the child is afraid to let her Mum know that she is happy spending time with her Dad and his fiancee and her daughter. Either way there is something not right and should be resolved for the child's sake.

Booyhoo Sun 30-Dec-12 21:00:31

convict do you really think a child's text messages to her own mum need to be opened and read? what do you imagine would be in them that might harm them child? confused

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