a MIL thread. I need an outside perspective

[wannabedomesticgoddess]

I have no idea where to even begin as there are so many different issues going on.

Firstly, MIL is in the early stages of alzheimers. I know nothing about the condition at all. Her parents both had it and DP has the experience of them having it, and he says all this isnt do do with that. But is he just being hopeful?

Secondly, DP is adopted. So neither of us are sure if that is playing a part or not.

When I met PILs they were lovely. Polite and welcoming. FIL was a bit harder to read than MIL but he was never rude, just a bit cold sometimes. Over the last year we have been going through some rough times, DP losing his job after we got pregnant etc. PILs have helped us out a lot and we are very grateful. I felt like I had grown closer to them etc.

But since the birth of DD2 (their first GC) MIL is acting funny. While FIL has become even more friendly and easy to get on with.

MIL bought loads of baby things, blankets, a travel cot, clothes, muslins, a playmat, a swing. Those are the things I know about. I think theres more. She bought it all before the 20 week scan despite us asking her not to. But when DD2 was born 4 weeks ago, she gave us a teddy, a balloon and a card.

If she was keeping it all for her house that would be fine, I dont expect them to give us anything as they have already helped so much. But she went on about all this through the pregnancy as if it was all for our house.

She never asks us round and then conplains that shes not seeing DD2 enough. If we call in she forces dinner upon us to take home. If we take it she huffs with DP the next day and if we dont she sends FIL round with it. We cant win.

She is constantly undermining and patronising DP when he is dealing with DD2. If he comments on her feeding or sleeping patterns at all, MIL launches into how he was a terrible baby and they had such a hard time (he was 8 weeks prem, born with gastrochesis and was very poorly in his first year) and that he was such a badly behaved child.

She talks over me constantly, ignores me, and if we are the only two people in the room it gets worse.

She makes underhand comments about DP being unemployed. Making out hes lazy and doesnt look for jobs; which couldnt be further from the truth. Yesterday was particularly bad (I wasnt there) and DP ended up confronting her. She responded my denying it and called him cheeky.

Its getting unbearable. DP is upset about it. He doesnt know what to do or say. He feels like he has done something to annoy her but cant figure out what.

Is this likely to be alzheimers getting worse? Or something else? Does this sound as bad as it feels or are we being oversensitive?

Thank you for reading!

[Whatistodaysname]

I dont know - I have had grandparents with severe dementia but I cannot remember the start.

I think you need to find out more about the symptoms of alzheimers before you take it all to heart.

[ohfunnyface]

Have you tried talking to fil?

[CatchingMockingbirds]

I'd spend some time researching Alzheimer's online if I was you to get a better understanding, before you decide how to tackle the behaviour.

[monsterchild]

Op, what a sad thing for your family! I'm so sorry this is happening.

Alzheimers patients can get pretty snarky. Sometimes it's described as losing the ability to filter your thoughts before you speak. It could be the very early stages of the disease. If your DP says she's always been a bit passive aggressive, then this could be the filters coming off.

But I think there's lots of information and support for families on the internet and probably locally.

[wannabedomesticgoddess]

Thanks for replying. I agree that I need to look into the illness more. DP is really convinced that her behaviour isnt down to that, and up until now I have taken his word because he knows her better. But its getting to a point where there just is no other explanation.

If it is that she just cannot filter her thoughts he will be devasted to think thats how she sees him. :(

Its supposed to be such a happy time, its like a huge shadow over us all. FIL has stuck up for DP a few times but he doesnt really like to talk about it. Its so hard to not take it personally.

[deleted203]

I'm really sorry for you. My exMIL (who I'm still very close to) has early stage Alzheimers and has gone from being the saintliest lady you could ever meet to accusing the gardener of stealing from her, claiming people are living in her house and taking things, telling people her daughter is poisoning her (she takes meals round) etc. It's very distressing, particularly as sometimes she is perfectly normal and then you'll have a bizarre conversation where she tells you that people come in her house when she's out and have cut up her clothes, for example. (Very worried, because she lives alone - presumably cut up clothes are herself cutting them up....) She suddenly takes against a family member and then a few weeks later has forgotten it and they are back in favour. She is very angry when family try and persuade her to see the doctor and keeps insisting there is nothing wrong with her. Please reassure DP that it won't be anything he has done. It appears to be random. (My MILs DD is really close to her and has been in tears that her mother thinks she's putting poison in her food).

[wannabedomesticgoddess]

Im sorry to hear that sowornout. Your exMIL sounds a lot worse :( I am really dreading it.

I was just looking up symptoms there and perhaps as I dont live with her I dont see a lot of it, but she doesnt have that many.

The most noticable thing is she repeats herself a lot. She will tell a story. As soon as its finished she will start from the start and tell it again. That has went on for about an hour one day. Nothing anyone says will stop her.

And then the next time we go she could be completely with it and when shes ok shes really lovely.

I think I am going to have to gently suggest to DP that the moods and sarcasm really might be it getting worse.

Could a big event such as the baby coming along make someone get a bit worse all at once? Or was this going to happen this way regardless?

[deleted203]

It was going to happen, if it's Alzheimers. Don't worry that anything you have done has caused it.

[MaMaPo]

OP, everyone here has the right idea. The media tells us that Alzheimer's is just memory loss, but there can be so much more, including personality change. Your FIL might know this - you could check whether her diagnosis is Alzheimer's or 'dementia' - in the latter case it could be a variant called frontotemporal dementia which has a big personality component. Either way, it definitely sounds like this behaviour is tied up with her illness

The repetitiveness is very typical in Alzheimer's - it will be difficult for er to monitor and remember what she's said, so it goes round in circles. Pointing it out to her is unlikely to help and may make her angry - people with dementia often don't have insight into their illness.

I'd recommend your family get linked in with whatever dementia support groups are available in your area, especially cared groups. Alzheimer's is an unforgiving disease and it would be worth setting up lines of support sooner rather than later.

Good luck. This is a difficult time for you.

[Moominsarescary]

It can totally change a persons personality. From how you describe it does sound like the onset.

Agree look on line and find support groups. It's an awful disease and finding out more about it will help you understand as things progress.

[ChippingInLovesChristmasLights]

OP as everyone else has said, this could well be down to the Alz. and given you got on so well before, is most likely to be.

It is a really really sad thing to have and a very very hard thing for loved ones to cope with. It is devastating.

You all need to get a lot more infomation about it, so you understand it a bit better and so that you understand it's not you, it's not anything you have done or said - or not done/said.

It comes, it goes. It can change people completely.

You have to make the most of the times she is her old self - and learn to cope with the times she isn't.

Please try not let it overshadow this time with your new baby
x

[Whatistodaysname]

There is an elderly parents forum on here - I don't know how busy it is.

I'm sure it's the Alzeihmers having reread your OP - your husband is going to have to not take it personally - its not a reflection of how she sees him - it's an illness with very cruel symptoms.

[HollyBerryBush]

Altzheimers is very cruel. Dhs grandmother had it, I used to say 'she's got a form of dementia' but everyone else just thought she'd turned into a nasty old woman. Once she got very confused and thought DH was her own husband, she couldnt understand why he (DH) had a baby with another woman (me) DH really thought she was just being 'peculiar'.

She was eventually diagnosed and put into a lovely residential home where she slipped back into her teens in her mind.

I had an acquaintance who got altzheimers in her late 30's , that was tragically sad as she had a young daughter.

you really need to read up on dementias, talk to professionals but above all don't ever take anything personally. It can't be helped and it isn't personal.

[wannabedomesticgoddess]

Thanks everyone. I think DP is sticking his head in the sand about it all. He watched his GPs suffer badly with it and I guess hes terrified of it coming as he knows what to expect more than me.

Tbh if it had been anyone other than her doing the things she does I would have been hurt and angry. But as shes so lovely most of the time its like those feelings never really surfaced. On bad days we just sit there and let her repeat and eat the tiny tiny portions of food she makes knowing its not normal but not really saying anything. The more I think about it the more I can see symptoms. DP seems to want to ignore it.

I am just sad for them all. Sad for my DDs too (they adore my DD1 even though shes a "step" GC) that they will see this and not really understand it all.