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If you found out you were an OW, would you tell the 'other woman'?

(52 Posts)
Undertone Wed 12-Dec-12 22:24:38

Long story - but the gist is that the man and i were in a full blown relationship for 6 months but he called it off after i told him i loved him... to continue his relationship with a long distance girlfriend he'd been with for 6 years. They had lived together at the beginning for a while before she went back to the Philippines. While he and i were together they spoke every day etc. But i had no idea. She wants to come and live with him next year in the UK - leaving behind family, friends, job, pets - everything. He told me that she doesn't know about me and 'couldn't handle' knowing as she was so 'emotionally immature'. That pissed me right orf.

Is it ever acceptable to warn another woman, especially when there's so much at stake, about the man she'd be throwing her lot in with?

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Thu 13-Dec-12 10:34:50

"I'd rather be thought of as a bitter psycho than for him to get away with it "

'Getting away with it' means your motivation is currently punishing him rather than saving her. He has lied to you, lied to her, probably lies to himself. Whatever you do now he'll just have another bunch of lies ready to roll out and cover the truth. Revenge with people like that is rarely satisfactory. Best to let her find out the way you did....

Undertone Thu 13-Dec-12 10:34:57

Option B is writing a blog (which he might see - it would be very unlikely that she would see it unless he told her) with a statement of the facts, and then he knows it's "out there" and might feel compelled to tell her himself in case she finds it in his internet history or whatever.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Thu 13-Dec-12 10:44:23

Option B is moving swiftly on with your life and not looking back.... You're calling yourself the OW and making it that she has some kind of first dibs on this man but there easily could be others and you have no way of knowing that he's telling you the truth about any of it. In fact, the evidence suggests the total opposite.

There is nothing you can do to a man like this that will make his life satisfactorily worse. But you can waste a lot of time and emotional energy plotting...

ZZZenAgain Thu 13-Dec-12 10:53:27

how could you contact her, do you know her address in the Philippines?

I think it is awkward but yes, you could tell her. I agree with Delta's post. Tell her that you were unaware that the relationship with her had not ended and maybe you could end (truthfully or not) with something like you hope that if she does decide to have a life with him in the UK, she will be happy. You haven't felt comfortable with her giving up so much to travel so far and be with him and yet not know that he has been unfaithful to her for 6 months. You could also say that the relationship that you had is now definitely over and she does not need to worry about that continuing. If you had known that he was not free, you would not have begun it. She might then choose to believe you.

She will of course contact him and read it out to him and then he will get back to you, so be prepared for that.

ZZZenAgain Thu 13-Dec-12 10:56:12

if it were me, I would rather know what I was getting into it and I would rather know that this man had been with someone else. I might be able to get past it, if I really wanted to be with him and say, ok I was far away and it is understandable that he met another nice woman but I can put it behind me. When we live together, this wouldn't happen again. She might do that and that might be hard for you, as if you had just been a stopgap and I am sure there was more in it if it lasted 6 months. I might also think about all the lies I'd been hearing in that time if I were this Philippino woman and feel I couldn't see him in the same light or trust him properly after that.

GinSoakedMu1berryLush Thu 13-Dec-12 10:56:33

what a tosser! she couldn't handle knowing he'd cheated on her becase she was 'emotionally immature'.

what a prize.

you might get an earful, but i bet after she'd blasted you, and had a think, you'd alter the course of her life for the better.

I might decide to tell her anyway KNOWING that i'd get the brunt of her anger and pain. Up to you though, you're not obliged to steer her away fro this jerk.

GinSoakedMu1berryLush Thu 13-Dec-12 11:05:46

If you did send a letter perhaps you could do it third person.

"my friend undertone had a six month relationship with a man she believed to be single. He ended it when my friend told him she loved him. His reason for ending it was because he had a girlfriend in the philippines. He doesn't feel he has done anything wrong. He doesn't want you to know obviously, but not because he feels guilty or ashamed about cheating. He felt entitled to cheat because he said you couldn't handle knowing because of your "emotional immaturity". I am telling you this because you're giving up your life, friends, job and home country for this man and you should know what you're trading."

ZZZenAgain Thu 13-Dec-12 11:51:49

I hope we are not giving the impression that it is very difficult to be a working mother in Germany. When my dd was at kiga and in the 1. Klasse, almost all the mums I knew were SAHMs, 1 worked full-time, 3 worked part-time; however now that my dd is 12, almost none of the mums I knew back then are still SAHMs unless they have had another baby in the meantime. They are almost all back in the workforce. It might be more common for mothers to work part-time rather than full-time but it should be possible for you to arrange things in Germany so you can work there if you get a job.

Bavaria has the reputation of being a little more traditional than other parts of Germany and I believe childcare and school times are geared towards this more traditional mother as housewife and home tutor role. If you were to live in a small village in Bavaria, you might be the odd one out but presumably you would work in a town and things will be a bit different.

When Germany reunified, things changed quite a bit for mothers too. In the East, most mothers went back to full-time work when their children were small and the childcare system was geared to support that. Now there is more of a mixture of the two systems.

ZZZenAgain Thu 13-Dec-12 11:53:27

sorry, wrong thread!

Undertone Thu 13-Dec-12 13:15:08

ZZZen - in the 'overlap' period after he told me about her but while I was still trying to be his friend, he told me her name. I searched it and can see her on Twitter, Facebook, etc - I can see her blog. (She is extremely pretty, and seems very sweet but quite young). I know I shouldn't have looked, but I went and looked at pictures she'd posted of herself with him in the Philippines last week. All loved up and hugging on the beach, in bars... awful feeling.

There are lots of ways I could contact her directly if I wanted to. But it seems so brutal to wade in and do that to her. A friend of mine has offered to do that third-party thing GinSoaked - but I see what you mean - I don't have to admit that I was the other party - I could pretend to be the 'friend'.

I am in no doubt that the relationship he and I had was very serious - almost constant calling, texting, emailing or face-to-face contact for 6 months, amazing sex, affection, meeting his family (oh yes - they knew about her) and telling me I was amazing, brilliant, gorgeous, his best friend, bla bla bla. I don't think I am an idiot and I don't think I would have fallen in love with a guy who obviously didn't have strong feelings for me - but I am haunted by the possibility that I got the wrong end of the stick, that it really was just an insignificant relationship to him, and me now powering in and screeching at the Philippines girl that she needs to run away from this disgusting cheater is an over-reaction and I am just deluded that it meant anything to that extent.

He makes me doubt myself so much.

ZZZenAgain Thu 13-Dec-12 14:16:26

perhaps the main thing to think about now is yourself. HOw much will it hurt you to do anything? If it is going to be digging about in open wounds, maybe it just isn't good for you right now. It is a horrible situation to be in, very painful I'm sure. Perhaps the less you have to do with them, the better it will be for you or the less time it will take you to heal.

MamaMary Thu 13-Dec-12 14:30:05

I think you are entitled to tell her, and entitled not to.

Personally, if I were her, I would want to know. I may choose not to believe it, but it will plant a seed of doubt that may mature later down the line when he cheats on her again which he almost certainly will. You would be doing her a favour though she may not realise it immediately.

GinSoakedMu1berryLush Thu 13-Dec-12 14:55:50

"Personally, if I were her, I would want to know. I may choose not to believe it, but it will plant a seed of doubt that may mature later down the line when he cheats on her again which he almost certainly will. You would be doing her a favour though she may not realise it immediately."

This is so true. Years ago, I had to be the messenger. The messenger got shot..... I was exaggerating. I got it wrong. But the wedding never went ahead.

InNeedOfBrandyButter Thu 13-Dec-12 15:00:30

In your situation I wouldn't. I found out I was the OW once I was pregnant and we both thought he worked a lot of nights... We ganged up on him in the pub but she was very sly about it all and got back with him and then married him.

GinSoakedMu1berryLush Thu 13-Dec-12 15:02:20

lucky her confused

Mintberry Thu 13-Dec-12 15:11:27

Maybe there is some bitterness to why you want to tell her, but if my OH was cheating on me, I'd want someone to let me know. Especially if I was about to make the colossal mistake of moving to the other side of the world for him!

If you can, I'd let her know, but don't get too involved. She can have the facts and then take it or leave it, and you can get on with your life.

Undertone Thu 13-Dec-12 15:18:00

Hmm. Well I have blocked his email addresses from my email accounts, blocked him from contacting me through twitter, blocked his number from my phone, he's not on Facebook, and I have mad privacy settings on there. The only way there could be repercussions from me telling her (i.e. the only way he would be able come and make contact again to upbraid me) would be if he physically either come to my work or flat. I'm not sure if he would do that. I'm not sure how vindictive he would be if it meant the end of their relationship.

Undertone Tue 12-Feb-13 14:53:59

Ello everybody. I have just been re-reading this as I received a lot of wise words.

I decided not to do anything about telling the Philippines girl for the time being, as my head was everywhere and I was so, so mad that I was certain I would be doing it for the wrong reasons.

Anyhoo - so it's been two months. It's always hard at this time of year as everyone's skint, it's cold, wet and grey - and life is generally a bit lonelier and more depressing than the rest of the time! But I have been getting on doing my own thing and spending as much time as I can with friends, going to the gym, doing little projects for me.

I would be lying if I said he wasn't still on my mind a lot. It's more like mourning the loss of the good time we had together before the truth came out. I am aware that the reality is he's a total knobsock and I would rather eat severed toes than be in a relationship with him - but I can't stop thinking back to a time where I felt really happy. <shrug> I know the feelings for what they are, though.

Anyway - what does bug-a-lugs do but send me an email last week (I got something wrong with setting the blocking filter and it just popped into my inbox - now fixed). He borrowed a fitness heart monitor of mine back in the summer and promptly lost a part of it - he was now asking me to tell him one to buy me as a replacement, as he still couldn't find it. He would also send me back at the same time an antique book I had loaned him.

This irked me hugely. At face value, yes it's polite to return loaned items. On the other hand, it was so casual that it seemed like a stab at re-writing history and presenting himself as 'a decent guy'. I'm afraid I wrote back a rather sharp reply, told him to bin the items if he didn't want them, and made sure I blocked him properly this time.

But OF COURSE my stupid brain has taken the opportunity to dwell on this all again more intensively. Thought I would pop back here and re-read the advice and comments I was given.

I can see the logic more now of keeping my dignity and keeping my beak out - i.e. not telling Philippines girl. But now that I am on a more even keel should I trust myself - and help the sisterhood - and reconsider? Hmm.

Stew stew stew.

Whocansay Tue 12-Feb-13 15:05:46

I suspect that him contacting you was an attempt to get back into your knickers. He was testing the water, by pretending to do something nice. Arse.

I wouldn't do anything. The gf won't believe you and you'll end up looking like a headcase. Just block any further attempts to contact you and be happy knowing you're not in a relationship with a liar.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Tue 12-Feb-13 15:13:15

He's a liar and a cheat. You were right to block him: he treated you very poorly, and you are wise to see straight through his attempt to paint a picture of normalcy between you and himself as a nice guy.

The woman in the Philippines is not your concern. She will either see him for what he is, or she won't, but that is her own journey to travel.

Keep on keeping busy and doing constructive projects for your own self. Force yourself to go out and see people, or do something constructive and distracting, whenever you are tempted to stew. It will pass.

Wishiwasanheiress Tue 12-Feb-13 15:15:46

Yes.

RoseGarden123 Tue 12-Feb-13 15:19:23

I was in a similar position with a man who turned out to be married. I dithered for ages about it as i was young, silly and fooled by a nasty, manipulator until it came out anyway and caused utter devastation. Now I would not hesitate to quietly and constructively approach the wife/ girlfriend etc in a clear and factual way,

Undertone Tue 12-Feb-13 15:52:29

Bugger. That's the problem with asking a question you're very divided internally about - because you're likely to get very divided opinions from other people!

tipsytrifle Thu 14-Feb-13 13:59:23

You've been free of a drama/deceit ridden sort-of relationship for a couple of months; why would you wish to re-engage with any part of it? Two months is already a third of the time you were with him, by the sound of it.

When you've swum half way across the river what sense does it make to turn round and go back? Something like that anyway ... (it's a famous quote that i only half recall)

Yes, it's a dreary time of year in some ways. In other ways it's the greatest time of year because Spring is just around the cosmic corner!

Sometimes things that belong to the past should be left there, imo. Not always, but in this case why not nourish your own future? And celebrate a very lucky escape! Someone above mentioned journeys; wise words. Which way do you want to be facing on yours?

Lueji Thu 14-Feb-13 19:37:59

Probably, yes.

I'd certainly like to know.

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