Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

how do i rekindle the passion?

(13 Posts)
OhWhatAPalaver Tue 11-Dec-12 21:25:51

i have been with my DP for almost 3 years and we have a 11mo DD, who is the light of our lives. since i got pregnant however, i have gone right off sex.

initially it was just weird being pregnant and having sex seemed odd, then i was too damn big to have sex properly and then DD was a c-section and i could barely walk for a month, let alone have sex. now on top of that i have problems with my joints, which some days makes it painful to have sex, but this is improving recently. however even though i am feeling a bit better in myself i still feel exhausted most nights just from the demands of being a mum. it's 9.15 and all i want to do is sleep. DD works night shifts so he is not here every evening and gets up a lot later than me in the morning. when we do get a night in together he ALWAYS wants sex but i often find that it seems like a chore and i'd rather just sleep. i don't want to feel like this though. i love DP very much and i want to feel that desire again.

when we were in the first year of our relationship we were at it like rabbits for most of the time and we were really happy as a couple. now we are distinctly less happy and quite stressed. DP gets pissed off at how little sex we have, which makes me even less likely to want to have sex with him. i feel like he's trying it on all the time and it starts to annoy me. it's a vicious circle. we still love each other very much and i really want this to work again as it was so lovely before i got pregnant. DP has even suggested that he gets in shape and has said he will give up watching porn in the hope that it will help. what can i do?!

dequoisagitil Tue 11-Dec-12 21:30:45

It's no wonder you don't fancy it much when you have a small baby, joint problems that make it painful and little time together as a couple, in which he puts on pressure.

Does he do much at home? Do you get any time to yourself?

izzyizin Tue 11-Dec-12 21:32:36

Is this a spoof thread? What self-respecting woman would want to have sex with an out of shape tosspot guy who watches porn?

Take him at his word and tell him you'll consider resuming normal service when he starts behaving like a respectful man.

OhWhatAPalaver Tue 11-Dec-12 21:46:13

haha no not a spoof thread! it didn't really bother me that he watched porn sometimes, it was his decision to stop watching it. he's not massively out of shape, just a bit of a dad belly smile

i don't get a lot of time to myself no. i wish i had more! it is hard though with DP's working hours and we only have my mum who can look after DD and she is tied up with work and my sister's DD (she is a single young parent). he does do a lot at home, which i am thankful for. he always cooks if he is off work and he does his fair share of cleaning. sometimes more than his fair share, so no probs there. smile

OhWhatAPalaver Wed 12-Dec-12 21:31:40

does anyone have any advice? didn't get many replies yesterday sad

i feel like i need some female viagra or something...

dequoisagitil Wed 12-Dec-12 22:08:51

My advice is - to take him up on his offer to give up porn & get in shape (as long as getting fit doesn't mean long hours out of the home while you do all the drudgery).

You should try to make sure you get some time to yourself - you should have equal leisure time - if you have none, he shouldn't have any either. If he has hours in front of the computer or down the pub or kipping on the sofa, you should have the same. If all you do is run around after the baby, you're not going to feel sexy, you're just going to feel knackered and be fixed in mummy-mode.

He also needs to shut up about shagging and stop pressuring you - nothing is less sexy than feeling obliged to perform. Instead perhaps agree to have a set time period where sex is not on the agenda, but you have baths together or give each other a massage or just cuddle.

You won't be able to be at it like rabbits as you were before you were parents - that needs to be accepted. You can get back your libido, but when you have small children it isn't easy to get time to be you and as a mum you can feel 'touched out' because of the constant physical demands of carrying a baby round the place & tending his/her needs before your own.

HollyBerryBush Wed 12-Dec-12 22:22:43

Quite interesting the posters who have replied are attacking your partner rather than helping you.

If you were masterbating becaue your DP wasnt interested, you would get reccomendations for bullets and rabbits. The fact your DP is masterbating makes him disrepectful. Funny old world.

You're sex drive wont return until you value yourself, stop thinking of yourself in a mumsy way and start remembering you are an individual, a sexual woman, with needs.

If you continue to view your DP as a baby making machine and pushing him away, he'll leave. And I already hear the cries of 'what a bastard' - no one deserves to live in a affectionless and sterile relationship - hence he is masterbating to porn. You could masterbate together until you are ready to resume a fulfilling sex life.

He's offered to go to the gym, he perceives your rejection of him as physically repulsive. By your own words he's puling his weight, more than 50% of the chores and working. He doesnt seem to be getting a lot of affection by return.

seaofyou Wed 12-Dec-12 22:42:44

Off Topic

HollyBush you should print your thread off...look at the timegrin

OhWhatAPalaver Fri 14-Dec-12 21:27:35

thanks for the replies folks, things are already looking up it seems smile he's stopped constantly going on about sex 24/7 and is trying not to mention it, grope me or make perverted comments, which he did pretty much all day every day! he managed a whole day yesterday and i didn't once feel annoyed by him and we had a really nice day. if he keeps it up then maybe i'll be in the mood for some action at the weekend! i can hope anyway smile

lovethyself Sat 15-Dec-12 00:17:48

From a pure "shallow" male perspective. His feeble gropes are his male monkey brain telling you that you are his number 1 mate. However, things have moved on somewhat. However I'm sure you would suddenly feel sexy, if you suddenly started to find he was turning his primative instinct to other females. I'm not condoning this action, however just pointing out the animal instinct in all of us. The female to be loved, tendered, made to feel number one. The male = well lets be shallow where do I park my penis. However I feel that most males have evolved since then, however, there is still the same animal instinct.
Just making an animal, millenium response. xxxxxxxxxxxx

couldtryharder Sat 15-Dec-12 09:16:45

I don't have the answer, I wish I did because I felt exactly the same as you after my first child was born. That was 7 years ago and it has just got worse and worse. Sex was such a wonderful and precious thing and now it's a massive cloud that hangs over our marriage. I don't won't it, ever. My husband wants it always. I too have been groped and begged and hassled about it which only makes me annoyed and resentful and even less likely to want sex. But it has spiralled out of control and just led us to a place of festering resentment. It magnifies all other problems that we have in our marriage. He feels unloved (unsexed) and I feel unvalued (I have to do all the childcare, the domestic chores, the organisation of our lives, AND I have to be a great lover). It's too much and now I'm wondering how to get out of the situation. Separation? Divorce? Let him have a mistress? I have no idea any more........ So do anything and everything you can to change things. Talk, see somebody, whatever it takes. Don't end up like me, it's a sad sad place to be.

OhWhatAPalaver Mon 17-Dec-12 09:41:23

thanks for the male perspective lovethyself i see exactly what you mean!
couldtryharder i really feel for you, this is exactly what i don't want to happen. the remark 'i'll just sleep with other people then' has been said previously, by OH obviously, but then he would always follow that with 'i couldn't though, even if i wanted to, which i don't, i couldn't.' i'm fully aware that he could get with another woman any day he wants as he works in a music venue he gets chatted up at work all the time by tipsy women! however i do trust him and i know he is faithful.
just the fact that he is now trying to make changes in himself is encouraging me to make him feel good about those changes. he has really calmed down with the oversexed remarks and as he has stopped groping me all the time i now feel less like a sex object and more like a women, more like myself. it's nice smile
i really hope you can try and patch things up with your DH, 7 years is a long time to go without sex. have you tried relationship counselling?

BelaLugosisShed Mon 17-Dec-12 12:21:06

"The female to be loved, tendered, made to feel number one. The male = well lets be shallow where do I park my penis".
What a load of bullshit.

And as for this gem -
"However I'm sure you would suddenly feel sexy, if you suddenly started to find he was turning his primitive instinct to other females." Words fail me.

Threats to have sex with other women are appalling, at best its inconsiderate pressure, at worst it's abusive.
How soon did he start pestering for sex after your c-section I wonder?
He'll give up porn eh? That's big of him. hmm

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now