How important is chemistry?

[GemsAngels]

Second time posting, lost the first post.
Is chemistry instant or does it grow? I dont ever fancy anyone ever!! Iv been dating a year now and just cant connect, relax etc. If one more person tells me Im gonna meet my Mr Right when I least expect it Im gonna scream.
My friend always says if you dont want to rip his clothes off its a no go!!

[allchangeplease]

wanting to rip his clothes off on first meeting is really NOT important! lots of great relstionship start with friendship or just liking the look of him but without mad instant passion, imo that is really teenage mentality! It's crucial that you like him as a person, your sense of humour is similar, you enjoy talking to him, and if so then have a few more dates and see if things develop. Of course if you still feel no attraction after a few dates, then it's probably no-go, but again some people take longer. It sounds like you are not of of those with raging libidos, so it could take longer for you - for some people it's SO about mental attraction, fall in love with their qualities/capabilities which does take a while to get to know.
Also don't discard men on looks alone - it's the touch that's important , if you like their touch (and until you try) don't rule him out!

[allchangeplease]

you say you csn't relax - how many times you normally meet the same man? not just once I hope?! does having of glass of wine not help you unwind a bit?

[GemsAngels]

Thanks for your message. I have no clue what your supposed to feel as I met my exh when I was alot younger. I have dated just once and been knocked back and dated twice, same, and had a few 3rd dates and I have not wanted to see them again, just didnt feel excited about seeing them, am I supposed to be excited? Yes I have a glass of wine every time :) when I say relax its hard to explain but just like I cant imagine waking u every day with this person.
I thought the spark as they say, makes you feel excited and wanting to be with this person as much as you can be. I never feel this its like an effort sometimes, sometimes I even think oh my god dont kiss me.
God I do sound like a teenager I just have no clue whats normal. Its actually like Im emotionally numb, to men that is.

[allchangeplease]

you need to get to know someone properly! do not expect to feel something to a new man especially if you aer still emotionally recovering from past r-ship. Is there some way where you can join a group and meet men this way, not jump straight into dates (is it online that you meet?). I'm also feeling quite numb with a few men i met online - but I do fancy a little random men i see (just from a distance), so it really is a numbers game untill you meet one you fancy and who is available for dating. You really are NOT supposed to fancy most men you meet, who said that to you? some people are just much more selective sexually, and as i say some need to know/like the person first to fancy them.

[allchangeplease]

I should add though, that if you NEVER even see randomly anyone you like physically/fancy a little, you may be either depressed or your hormones may be out of sync so that you sexual drive is very low. Worth seeing a GP then.

[Doneinagain]

OP did you mean to say you're "emotionally numb to men that is"??
Have you ever felt a spark towards another woman or explored your feelings for women?

[GemsAngels]

This is the thing I see men in the street or in a pub (usually unavailable ones) and fancy them. Never anyone I date. Yeah its online dating. Not sure of any other way to meet anyone. I definitely dont have feelings for my ex, years before we separated we were not in love.
Im not gay! I want to feel again (with a man) you know the feeling of being in love. I meant emotionally numb to men not to people in general.

[Justreadthefuckingwords]

Gem I had a peek at your profile - I see you like 50 Shades - step away from that shit.

You are young - you will meet that man - the one you want to tear his pants off.

You will feel it again - I guarantee - no question.

Believe in yourself & it will happen.

[GemsAngels]

Thanks :) Wow guarantee is a very positive word. I hope so it gets a little lonely sometimes. My ex moved on so so quickly and is living happily ever after, its been a rolercoaster for me to get mine and my daughters life back to 'normal' financially and emotionally, still climbing but I believe I will get there. A nice guy would be the iceing on the cake really :)
I read the first book of 50 shades, never felt the urge to read the second 2, that was back in the summer. Thanks for your advice :)

[CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts]

Do you have a best friend? Is there someone in your life that you really look forward to seeing and, however long has gone by, you can pick up where you left off, be really relaxed with each other, laugh easily, have lots in common? I think a good partner has all those qualities but you should also find them physically attractive as well. Basically.... keep looking.

[GemsAngels]

I do yes :) my best friend, female, we went to school together and didnt see eachother for years and about 2 years ago we bumped into eachother and now are best friends. I actually introduced her to my brother and they are now living together. I can tell her just about anything. If there is someone out there I can feel that relaxed around and be attracted to, well how amazing would that be :)
There is one (unavailable) guy I work with who is about my age and so down to earth and good looking. Iv probably been on about 20 dates in the last year and met a couple of local guys, exchanged numbers and its not led to anything. Not once felt anything. So this is normal?

[CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts]

I'd say it was normal. But how are you choosing your dates? Are your criteria quite narrow? Do you consider any wild-cards?

[GemsAngels]

Well Im not really choosing as not many guys that I seem to like the look and sound of respond to me. The guys I have met are all different in looks, careers, with kids, without kids, younger older.
Iv dated a couple of local guys but nothing comes of it, not that I have been overly impressed but they have all said 'they dont see it working out' and Iv said ok cool, not been too bothered. This is why I wonder am I emotionally numb. I think Im like it around men in general.

[CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts]

So you're effectively saying that your candidates are mostly drawn from a pool of those that you don't really like the look and sound of? You're in 'best of a bad bunch' territory rather than making a positive choice? If that's the case then of course your experience is going to be skewed. If there's no initial interest and you're just going through the motions of dating then you're likely to find that people who don't look all that appealing are exactly what you expect. If you went to select a puppy, had your heart set on a labrador and all they had on offer were west highland terriers..... you wouldn't be 'emotionally numb' if you came away empty-handed.

Are you using a dating service or meeting these people independently?

[GemsAngels]

This is very true :) When you look at it like that it seems obvious that Im setting myself up for disappointment but what if all the things I look for in a guy are too much as Im a 35 year old single mum. I know there is no perfect guy as none of us are perfect.
I was on a free dating site and then joined one you pay for and have met a few guys independently. I would like to meet someone independantly as I feel its less judged by how I look or come accross on the first date also. How to meet a guy that ticks all of my boxes and not only that I tick all of theres?? Thats why I was trying to lower my expectations and date these guys, to give them a chance. Now I feel that Im settling.

[CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts]

"How to meet a guy that ticks all of my boxes and not only that I tick all of theres?? "

It's a bit of a cliche to say 'stop looking' but I'll risk it :) 'Dates' IME are very loaded occasions precisely because everyone goes into them with their metaphorical chart of boxes to be ticked. You're mentally fast-forwarding whether you can imagine 'waking up with them every day' as you said earlier .... and you've only just met. So the expectations are high & the pressure's on.

My suggestion is to stop dating and instead put yourself into group activities that you find interesting with the objective of making male friends rather than dating per se. If you get to know someone in a social setting, find them attractive and make sure you have plenty in common before you get to the dating phase then I think you'll be more successful than your current strategy.

[GemsAngels]

Yeah Im not sure internet dating is for me.
Thanks for your advice CogitO, I think this will help, now just got to find an activity where there are men.
Im thinking new years res, stop looking and find a new hobby :)

[A1980]

I had amazing chemistry with two boyfriends right from the outset. they both ended up complete and utter cunts. way too much emphasis is placed on chemistry.

[fizzfiend]

Having been around the block I'd say chemistry important. If I kiss them and it's there, it usually means I like them too. If I try to force it, it doesn't work.

Having said that, I am very single right now, so really what do I know? But I know by kissing someone if it's there or not. Yes, love can grow, but a good snog, means at least you will have a strong desire to meet again.

Yes, good chemistry can end in tears, but at least it gets your heart racing. I can't imagine ever having a love affair with a man who didn't make me excited...what is the point?

[joblot]

a1980 spot on

[CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts]

"just got to find an activity where there are men"

An older relative always used to push single women in the family towards 'the tennis club', 'the golf club' and 'the yacht club'.... :) She thought it was the best place to meet single men with plenty of cash.

[GemsAngels]

A1980 sorry to hear that :( Thats the thing fizzfiend on these dates most of them expect a kiss at the end of the date and towards the end of the date I feel myself panicking thinking oh please dont kiss me and trying to get away quickly. So I guess that would be forcing it if I had to. Oh I long for 'the kiss' haha :)
So tennis or golf then :) I might have to venture a little further from my home town as its a small village.
Aw thanks for your advice ladies :)
Can you be my personal mumsnet advisor CogitO? Haha only kidding ;) but thanks, always good to see things from another persons point of view. At least I now know Im not emotionally numb.

[CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts]

You're not emotionally numb, you're just choosy and I don't think that's a negative quality in the slightest. Putting it crudely, it's dead easy to get laid.. :) .. and there are too many people who think any old boyfriend/girlfriend is better than nothing and end up either making themselves or someone else miserable. As a champion for independence I say 'stay fussy!'.

[orangeandlemons]

I,m like this. I have only ever felt strongly about 3 men in my life. They just have to be perfect or nothing clicks into place. I' ve tried following advice like the stuff here about trying lots of different types, going with the flow. It didn't work at all. I felt irritated by them, and felt cheap, so stopped doing it. And I know that feeling about kissing, ugh... Why would I kiss someone I didn,t know. Yuk. I suspect this is an inherited thing as my ds is the same. My ex p was also the same as is current dh. Your trick is finding someone like you.

You are just choosy and I would say stick with it. We are all made differently.

[GemsAngels]

Yeah, I see alot of this happening, people settling as they fear to be alone. Thats something I never want to do, ever. Just scared I wont ever find anyone. I know I shouldnt say those words, but it the truth. Im ok alone, but sometimes being around so many couples and christmas time as my girls visit their dad, it would be nice to have a little company, when their not home. Oh I am feeling sorry for myself today :)