Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Partner has finally revealed that he's not proposed to me yet because I want to keep my surname

(149 Posts)
Pipsytwos Wed 05-Dec-12 13:29:18

So, I have taken the choice to keep my surname if I get married. Admittedly only a very small part of that is for feminist reasons, mainly it's because we have a 3 month old daughter who we gave my name. We did this because my partner has a horrible surname, one that he was mocked for at high school, I couldn't do that to our children so I convinced him that as we have a choice we should chose my average normal name. My daughter will be thankful of this esp as she has a very unique first name. The problem is that I would take his name if it was just me, but now I've named her, and I don't want a different name to her. He says he does want to marry me but feels that people will mock him and think that something of his wasn't good enough for me... Do we just not marry each other? I personally don't think marriage is about names, I think it's about unity and that unity isn't dependent on us having one name... Am I wrong?

AlfalfaMum Tue 11-Dec-12 17:49:37

Almost every woman I know has kept her original name after marriage, myself included. Is it not the norm these days?

GinSoakedMu1berryLush Tue 11-Dec-12 16:37:17

that's an excuse

Pipsytwos Tue 11-Dec-12 16:25:40

Great idea DontmindifIdo!

Pipsytwos Tue 11-Dec-12 16:24:28

Hmm LancsDad, I think that's seriously over simplified. I would take his name if it meant that much to him and if I just had me to care about. This is despite the fact that I never planned to take someone's name. As it is I always wanted children, so it would never have just been me. My partner and I named our girl to avoid her being mocked, he understands otherwise he wouldn't have done it. I don't believe either of us has to change our name to show we are committed to each other, but I do believe marriage is important. This is not actually about names anymore, it's about him making excuses and what is motivating him to do so. I love my partner, I want to marry him. I hope he loves me too. I guess I'll find out one way or another how he feels as I've (wisely or not) laid my cards out. He hasn't actually asked me but he's asked my ring size. I'm treating it with caution, and will make sure I don't end up with someone who doesn't want to be with me.

But I'm enjoy him being so attentive blush

mercibucket Tue 11-Dec-12 14:57:25

Hmmm I wouldn't rush to marry him.

DontmindifIdo Tue 11-Dec-12 14:16:56

well that does sound more positive. I suggest you book yourself a 'review the situation' date in 3 months time, put it in your phone calendar now so it pops up then to remind you not to 'drift'.

JugglingMeYorkiesAndNutRoast Tue 11-Dec-12 13:09:50

Ahh, that's nice that he's making more of an effort Pipsy, and has asked you !
Don't forget it's a big decision for both of you though, so I think you're wise to think it all over carefully. smile

LancsDad Tue 11-Dec-12 13:06:46

You sound as bad as each other to me.

He won't change his because everyone will take the piss.

You gave your child your name because people would take the piss of her.

You say you'd have taken his name if you didn't have child. What name would you have given any child then born after you had taken his name.

Indirectly you won't take his because people will take the piss.

Maybe neither of you are really that keen.

Pipsytwos Tue 11-Dec-12 12:48:20

He now claims he wants to marry me. Think my teary questioning of whether he loves me or not may have something to do with it. He started sizing up my ring finger... he sounded sincere and has been tying daily to show he loves me more. He said that he wants to marry me because he wants to spend his life with me. He said that before we talked he'd seen marriage as just a day where you express your love for each other and now he realises that it's more than that, it's about being united as a family and showing that commitment. He clearly doesn't want me to go, but I'm not sure whether that's 'just for now'. I'm inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt for a while and see where we're at in a few months. He's a good dad to both of his children and seems to be putting in the effort with me. Lets just hope I don't regret not getting out at this first sign of trouble...

Xales Sat 08-Dec-12 11:21:56

I think that if someone wanted a long term committed marriage to their partner then the excuses reasons he has given are crap.

He doesn't want to marry you. Once you discuss or get past his currant objections he brings up more.

Only he knows if that is because he doesn't see a long term commitment/relationship with you. What is he like with his first child?

Only you can know if you can live with that.

AndrewMyrrh Sat 08-Dec-12 10:32:26

Googlella I don't really get big romantic proposals out of the blue. Marriage is probably one of the biggest commitments you will ever make in your life. Surely it is something to be mutually discussed, rather than having a proposal 'flung' on you?

<bitter experience>

PerfectStranger74 Fri 07-Dec-12 16:12:18

No advice, but just want to say, my exp said to me "there's no point getting married as you refuse to change your name."

Because THAT'S the only reason anyone would ever get married?!

Even pointing out that his mum had got married, changed from maiden name to h's name, got divorced, kept (violent, kidnapper) h's name as kids had his remarried, changed name again, got divorced, kept married name, met someone else, had dc and decided to give dc her maiden name, so changed her own back again.

I just can't understand having another name on my headstone from the name I have on my birth certificate.

olgaga Fri 07-Dec-12 15:55:19

Why wouldn't he want to change his surname to that of his own daughter? Have to say, he doesn't sound as though he wants to get married, or has any sense of commitment to either of you.

Just as well you gave her your name.

CockyPants Fri 07-Dec-12 13:06:07

He does not want to marry you.
Accept, and move on.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Fri 07-Dec-12 11:50:50

I agree with HEC, get your paperwork sorted.

FryOneFatChristmasTurkey Fri 07-Dec-12 10:14:53

pylonic Thu 06-Dec-12 18:10:24
Why can't you just get married and keep your own surnames? Or am I incorrect that legally you can't do this?

There is no legal requirement to change your name on marriage. It is simply a convention that has come down from the days when a woman became a man's possession on marriage. Even these days using your husband's name is only a courtesy title.

Pipsy I'm hoping for the best outcome for you.

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly Fri 07-Dec-12 09:13:30

Perhaps you could say ok, you don't want to marry. Fair enough. But I need the legal protections that marriage gives, so we need to make an appointment with a solicitor and sort out wills and all that stuff.

Googlella Fri 07-Dec-12 09:05:22

I could be clutching at straws here, but is it possible he is planning a romantic proposal at some point?

My dh annoyed me hugely when we were going out by refusing to commit. I got in a huge strop about it one Christmas, only to find he had a romantic proposal planned for Valentine's Day. Unless he just told me that to save his neck wink. Anyway we were married that Summer - 20 years ago.

Fingers crossed it all works out for you and your little one.

1charlie1 Fri 07-Dec-12 08:43:52

It was important to my DH that I took his name when we married, because he wanted us to 'combine' in every possible way. I wasn't keen, and wanted to keep my own name. So he suggested that he would take my name as well, and we have 'double-barrelled'. We both feel happy with the result! He gets a real kick out of seeing mail addressed to his new name...

DontmindifIdo Thu 06-Dec-12 18:54:33

Having a child is not a commitment to you, it's a commitment to that child. It in no way is a sign he wants to be your partner for the rest of your life, it's a sign he is happy to have a child with you which means even if you split up, he'll be commited to that child until they grow up.

Ask him straight out, does he want to commit to you or not, and a commitment to spend the rest of his life with you is marriage for you, (not just words, you need action within 12 months). Ignore the name, the money, the various other excuses, tell him you'll give him time to think about it, but you want him to make a decision and tell you the truth, not just want he thinks he wants you to say.

If he won't marry you (and it doesn't sound like he has a good reason not too, or you'd have heard it by now), then you know that sooner or later, he's planning on leaving this relationship, he won't now because right now your relationship suits him - but he wants to leave when he's had enough. So start planning, you've got a 3 month old, are you on maternity leave? Can you make sure you go back to work, don't give up your career. Build savings separate to him. Get yourself in a situation where you can cope when he's decided he's ready to move on - of course he might never do that, but you know he wants the option, so best to be prepared.

FiercePanda Thu 06-Dec-12 18:36:14

Don't waste your time on someone unwilling to show you an inch of commitment - and as much as we may think having a child together is the ultimate commitment, he's shown it's not. By refusing to discuss it properly, by making you feel nervous about it, and by so obviously refusing to commit to you he's showing just how little he thinks about you and your relationship. He's spineless and terrified of commitment - a manchild. You can (and will) do better.

Madeleine10 Thu 06-Dec-12 18:36:14

Oh Amen sistah!! applauds @ABitwobblynow

Best piece of advice you can ever take in. There are NO negatives to learning to value yourself, setting your boundaries and sticking to them. None.

Losing people who can't deal with that is nothing to be concerned about, quite the opposite.

I hope you can sort this out Pipsy, it's a horrid situation..

orchidee Thu 06-Dec-12 18:33:10

Bloody phone! Sorry for all the typos.

orchidee Thu 06-Dec-12 18:31:39

I'd be wary of reading too much into his previous relationship. I suspect he doesn't know his own feelings (may not even care to) and so will give different answers to the sane question if you keep asking it.

What you do know is that he's not taking you seriously just now. He knows you want to talk about something but he doesn't want to, so he won't. He mat have git engaged (and tried for a baby) with his ex because it was easier to do that than to have The Talk. He may have given her bloody good reasons for her to have left the relationship - not that I Condi e cheating - but the point is, you inky know what he chooses to tell you, and he's letti.g you know now that honesty isn't important to him.

I think the question for you is, are you willing to continue this way? Bring up your daughter with this relationship as her role model? Do you both want to change your relationship in the same way?

From what you've written here he seems immature emotionally and he isn't showing any signs of trying to be in a partnership.

Abitwobblynow Thu 06-Dec-12 18:29:43

So you know what YOU have.

It is ONLY when we value ourselves and set boundaries, that we get valued. Believe me Pipsy it has taken me years... and now I am ready to go, is when he stops being defensive and starts getting worried.

Too late, mate, I am done. I am worth more than your sad issues grin

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now