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Partner has finally revealed that he's not proposed to me yet because I want to keep my surname

(149 Posts)
Pipsytwos Wed 05-Dec-12 13:29:18

So, I have taken the choice to keep my surname if I get married. Admittedly only a very small part of that is for feminist reasons, mainly it's because we have a 3 month old daughter who we gave my name. We did this because my partner has a horrible surname, one that he was mocked for at high school, I couldn't do that to our children so I convinced him that as we have a choice we should chose my average normal name. My daughter will be thankful of this esp as she has a very unique first name. The problem is that I would take his name if it was just me, but now I've named her, and I don't want a different name to her. He says he does want to marry me but feels that people will mock him and think that something of his wasn't good enough for me... Do we just not marry each other? I personally don't think marriage is about names, I think it's about unity and that unity isn't dependent on us having one name... Am I wrong?

noddyholder Wed 05-Dec-12 13:49:45

he even

ErikNorseman Wed 05-Dec-12 13:50:38

Would he have agreed to a son taking your surname???

Pipsytwos Wed 05-Dec-12 13:50:58

I think I'm going to have to face the fact that he doesn't want to marry me. I told my mum about it and she said to keep my dignity not to talk about it with him and I shouldn't wan to marry him if he doesn't want to marry me... which I don't want to marry someone who doesn't want to marry me. But I do wish he'd want to blush

PetFox Wed 05-Dec-12 13:52:17

He says he wont take my name because everyone will take the piss and say I wear the trousers etc. <<< This makes him sound like a total idiot. Why would you want to marry someone like that? Marriage has nothing to do with names. I didn't take my DH's name and no one has ever mentioned it to either me or him. Your DP needs to change his friends if they would take the piss out of something like that.

If you all want to have the same name, he can change his to yours, or you can change all your names to something else entirely!

Mulledandmerry Wed 05-Dec-12 13:53:04

When people asked me if I was going to take my husband's (to be) name, I used to say, yes, after we are married I shall be know as Brian!!!!!!grin

Pipsytwos Wed 05-Dec-12 13:53:18

He wouldn't have objected with a son. He knew it was better for a child, and he really doesn't like his name so I don't know why he's trying to push it on me!

mercibucket Wed 05-Dec-12 13:58:32

He just doesn't want to marry you.

mercibucket Wed 05-Dec-12 13:58:41

He just doesn't want to marry you.

TeamBacon Wed 05-Dec-12 14:01:18

I was engaged to someone like this. His last name was ridiculous, he was teased for it, and he insisted that he would only marry me if I took his last name. He was incredibly offended at the idea that I might want to keep my own, very normal surname.

Yeah.. that didn't last much longer.

TeamBacon Wed 05-Dec-12 14:01:56

He did want to marry me though, very much! I suspect he would have given in if it had come to an ultimatum. It didn't though, because he was a bit of a wanker.

I dunno. My DH was and still is upset that I didn't take his name. For some men it really is important.

RudolphiaRedNose Wed 05-Dec-12 14:04:30

Aargh, how infuriating! Unless it's just an excuse, I really think he's struggling to grasp the concept of equality. Ask him straight out, why does he (and his neanderthal mates) think you should have to do something like this if he wouldn't do it for you? Does he actually think as a man he and his name are more important? Or are you equals in your relationship?

One thing you could do, as well as the above, is offer to change DD's name so that she is Firstname Middlename Hisname Yourname. Not double-barrelled, as you want to avoid her having his horrible name, but just two surnames, the first of which is like another middle name and doesn't get used daily, but is there, as a record of both of you as the parents. That would put you both on an equal footing as regards your DD. He might (ridiculously) be feeling edged out by what happened with naming her, and be trying to claw back his "place" IYSWIM.

Whatever you do though, don't give in and change your name - that would give him a terrible message.

schobe Wed 05-Dec-12 14:04:55

I'm starting to simmer gently at all these guys who would be deeply offended at their name not being taken. How about they change their names if they're so keen on being called the same thing?

What jeffing century are we living in fgs.

LRDtheFeministDude Wed 05-Dec-12 14:05:15

Really?

Sorry, but I think that is a rotten start to a marriage. If you think it's important, you should get priority since it is your name. You're not asking him to change to yours.

I would venture to suggest if this is really 'important' to some men, it's because they're giving you a sign they're too 'important' not to control a decision that's yours, not theirs. Not a great sign.

noddyholder Wed 05-Dec-12 14:05:48

What do you mean if it was a boy child?

Yama Wed 05-Dec-12 14:06:58

Worrying about other people's opinions is a really shit excuse. I don't think I could respect someone who put the opinions of others before my feelings.

The only person (dh's uncle) to question my not taking dh's name is the kind of buffoon that nobody takes notice of anyway. I was glad he objected because he is a dickhead and I like to be opposed to dickheads.

Jux Wed 05-Dec-12 14:08:02

But marriage and what it actually stands for is more mportant. Sorry, op, he's being a twat. If you ignore it he might come around. How long do you want to wait? Is marriage thatimportant to you?

PetFox Wed 05-Dec-12 14:08:29

DH and I are thinking of changing our names to something completely different, so that we have the same one. When we mentioned this to my FIL he was floored. He said to DH, "But names are important! You can't just change the name you were given when you were born!" He literally hadn't even considered his wife sitting next to him, who changed her name to his when they got married hmm

LemonBreeland Wed 05-Dec-12 14:09:48

I am actually firmly on the side of him just finding excuses now. I would call his bluff and say okay I'll take your name. See what excuse he comes up with next.

RudolphiaRedNose Wed 05-Dec-12 14:13:08

I love what mulledandmerry said. Maybe you could pretend to give in and say "<sigh> oh ok then, I don't really want to change my name to X [his first name] but you are the man, so if you insist."

Collaborate Wed 05-Dec-12 14:13:33

My wife doesn't have my surname. Doesn't bother me or the kids.

Mulledandmerry Wed 05-Dec-12 14:14:08

ok..I am proud of my DHs name and family heritage/identity, I loved being Mrs Mulledandmerry. We all have the same surname and I went with tradition. That said, he never made an issue of it and would still have married, loved and respected me if I hadn't wanted to change my name. (and he doesn't have an embarrassing surname!)

mercibucket Wed 05-Dec-12 14:14:48

What's important is your financial security if he drops down dead or decides to leave. That's the main thing marriage gives you that living together doesn't. So get the house in both names, be careful with savings, get him to make a will, get life insurance out on him payable to you or your dd, get named on his pension (or dd)
Then tell him you've changed your mind about marriage anyway

mercibucket Wed 05-Dec-12 14:14:48

What's important is your financial security if he drops down dead or decides to leave. That's the main thing marriage gives you that living together doesn't. So get the house in both names, be careful with savings, get him to make a will, get life insurance out on him payable to you or your dd, get named on his pension (or dd)
Then tell him you've changed your mind about marriage anyway

Mulledandmerry Wed 05-Dec-12 14:15:04

Rudolphia..the kids objected to having a mum called Brian..they said they would get teased at school!

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