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Partner has finally revealed that he's not proposed to me yet because I want to keep my surname

(149 Posts)
Pipsytwos Wed 05-Dec-12 13:29:18

So, I have taken the choice to keep my surname if I get married. Admittedly only a very small part of that is for feminist reasons, mainly it's because we have a 3 month old daughter who we gave my name. We did this because my partner has a horrible surname, one that he was mocked for at high school, I couldn't do that to our children so I convinced him that as we have a choice we should chose my average normal name. My daughter will be thankful of this esp as she has a very unique first name. The problem is that I would take his name if it was just me, but now I've named her, and I don't want a different name to her. He says he does want to marry me but feels that people will mock him and think that something of his wasn't good enough for me... Do we just not marry each other? I personally don't think marriage is about names, I think it's about unity and that unity isn't dependent on us having one name... Am I wrong?

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly Wed 05-Dec-12 13:30:10

I think that's an excuse.

CMOTDibbler Wed 05-Dec-12 13:30:26

Sounds like he's being a bit of a nob tbh.

BahSaidPaschaHumbug Wed 05-Dec-12 13:31:13

He could always opt to change his surname to yours.

CailinDana Wed 05-Dec-12 13:31:49

Is he serious?? Or is he just trying to get out of marrying you?

msrisotto Wed 05-Dec-12 13:31:57

God that sounds like a pile of rubbish. I didn't take my husband's surname for entirely feminist reasons and after a rational explanation, he didn't think about it again.

MummyBarrow Wed 05-Dec-12 13:32:09

No you are not wrong. he is being a dick.

He was happy for you to be mum to his daughter but not to marry you because you won't take his name?

Tell him he could change his surname to yours when you get married.

or dump him

schobe Wed 05-Dec-12 13:33:02

Don't think that's the real reason tbh. He's happy for your DD not to have his name but you have to? Bizarre.

So he worries about the opinion of people who think that women are chattel so should change their name otherwise the man mustn't be a 'real man'?

No disrespect to those who want to change their name - totally their choice.

But worrying what other people think about this particular issue would be a big problem for me.

Before we married, my DH strongly felt I should change my name. I strongly felt I didn't want to.
We married anyway!
I wonder if he's using it as an excuse sad

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Wed 05-Dec-12 13:35:26

Marriage is a promise.

The names are just a distraction in my opinion.

If he wants the whole family to have the same name, he can opt to take yours when marrying you.

Is he from a very traditional upbringing? Are there cutlural differences at play?

There is more to marriage than names so may be worth discussing what he thinks married life would mean.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Wed 05-Dec-12 13:35:58

X post with everyone.

LemonBreeland Wed 05-Dec-12 13:36:55

It sounds rather ridiculous that he wants you to take a name that he was bullied for at school. Could he be getting pressure from elsewhere withe the name, his parents perhaps?

He should just change his name to your name. It makes sense.

LemonBreeland Wed 05-Dec-12 13:38:16

Also you already have a child together and that is a bigger commitment than marriage, so if he is concerned about marriage then that is a little odd.

Pipsytwos Wed 05-Dec-12 13:40:29

I was really doubting myself. He says he wont take my name because everyone will take the piss and say I wear the trousers etc. I am really angry about it. He didn't argue much when it came to naming or girl because he said although he didn't like it he could understand as his not particularly fond of his name and I really like my name. Now I feel really tricked and I do think it's an excuse, nobody really cared that our baby has my name so why would they care if I kept it when we marry? It's really irritating. It only came out when I decided that I wanted to get married just me him and witnesses, so maybe it's like the excuse of we don't have the money atm has gone so he's replaced it with this! :/

GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr Wed 05-Dec-12 13:42:43

He sounds like an idiot. Why would he want you to take a horrible surname that he was mocked for having? He is making excuses, he does not want to marry you.

I would not want to marry a man with such stupid and outdated opinions. "something of his was not good enough for you" what a knob. hmm

He can equally take your name.

BeataNoxPotter Wed 05-Dec-12 13:43:01

He needs to grow up.

It does sound like he is throwing excuse after excuse not to get married, i'm afraid.

Ephiny Wed 05-Dec-12 13:44:01

It sounds like an excuse to me too. I kept using my original name after marriage, and no one has ever 'mocked' DH for it. In fact (other than my mum) no one has ever even mentioned or commented on it. I don't imagine anyone particularly cares.

CockyPants Wed 05-Dec-12 13:44:14

Hmmm. I think surname thing is a smokescreen and he just doesn't want to marry you.
Sorry if this isn't what you want to hear.

Thistledew Wed 05-Dec-12 13:45:38

What would happen if you asked him to marry you? Would he actually say 'no' if you did not agree to take his name?

Pipsytwos Wed 05-Dec-12 13:46:32

I'm angry about him worrying about what other people think, he doesn't have anything to say when I explain how sexist it is. No traditional upbringing, he doesn't know his dad and didn't take his name. He's not even close to his family, in fact we don't see them ever. Me and my family are very close, there isn't a day that goes by where I don't speak to them. We both felt that our DD would have more of a 'family' background to her name from my side because of that..

ErikNorseman Wed 05-Dec-12 13:48:08

He sounds weak and sexist to me.

JugglingWithPossibilities Wed 05-Dec-12 13:48:08

Are you happy in the relationship otherwise Pipsy ?
I wouldn't be happy with this either sad
He sounds inflexible and overly worried about what others think IMHO

noddyholder Wed 05-Dec-12 13:48:24

Ho sounds threatened by you. 'wears the trousers' Really? It is 2012! He doesn't sound as evolved as you

DixieD Wed 05-Dec-12 13:48:53

Hmmm. It could be an excuse not to get married or it could be that he regrets agreeing to name your daughter your name. It may be that people are taking the piss out of him over that (this is something like my DHs immature mates would slag each other over), or perhaps his family aren't impressed? Now hes rethinking the decision and deciding to dig his heels in so people will still think he wears the trousers!
<rolls eyes> <shakes head>

Narked Wed 05-Dec-12 13:48:58

It sounds like an excuse. The only possible reason I could think of for him genuinely being upset by the name thing is if people have made comments to him about your DD not taking his surname in the past three months. It's unlikely though.

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