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Worries about DH Christmas party - Advice please

(58 Posts)
k4mi Wed 05-Dec-12 10:01:49

Hi,

I know this is in comparison to most of these threads small fry but am really just after some advice/positive words!

Since the birth of our DD1 I have felt less attractive, interesting and basically confident about myself as anything other than a mum. I am trying to address this at the moment (just started some counselling and am looking/interviewing for jobs) but It has in the last few weeks been v tough. I had to have an operation on my cervix (nice) and have been bleeding pretty much non stop for 6 weeks which is annoying (and means no sex which makes me feel worse!). On top of that we've had endless colds and tummy bugs blah blah blah. Anyway because of this DH and I haven't spent much fun quality time together. It's been a hard slog although not been arguing or anything.

This weekend is his office Xmas party. It's a weekend away. I suddenly feel totally insecure about us and that he's going to start an affair with someone at work. Clearly he could do this at any time he wanted but for some reason because I know I won't see him for 48 hrs and I'll be home 'holding the baby' once again it's got my back up. He is a brilliant dad, can not fault him and mostly a good partner to me but sometimes I feel like we need to get some spark back. I think this is probably normal after a baby but I am becoming increasingly insecure and know that even though I don't want to I am starting to take it our on him. Last weekend I got upset as he said the whole weekend is just a big drunken thing which p*ssed me off as I feel upset he'd rather do that (with a lot of people he doesn't seem to interested in) than spend the weekend taking care of us when we have had a very tough few weeks. Saying that he works hard and I can see that the weekend will be fun and he will have no crying baby to get up for.

Can someone please tell me how they deal with situations like this? Ever felt you have lost your confidence/independence post baby? I used to be so different but now worry I have turned into a boring nagging mum.

HELP.

MorrisZapp Fri 07-Dec-12 13:27:11

I've felt just like you OP, and I feel your pain. You say you love being a mum, but in the early days, I actually hated it, and resented every second DP spent out of the house, even for work.

What made things ok was getting DS on a bottle so that we could be proper 'equal parents', then getting a calendar and writing stuff on it.

The other thing that made it better was DS getting a bit bigger, and a bit less hard work!

I think of it as a pennies in the bank system. I love weekends away on my own, so I don't moan too much about DPs hobbies, as long as it's kept fair and equal.

I was in a very bad place when DS was a wee baby, I became obsessed with getting out on my own, I saw it as an unattainable luxury that I would never have again. Of course, I can have it again. In fact, I usually find now that I prefer to stay in - it was losing the choice element that did for me.

If you're generally ok, not depressed etc, then I say suck it up for now. You'll be 'owed one' big time, and when it comes the time to cash it in, you'll be glad you did. If you've had a hen night already, then you don't have too much to worry about?

If you think you might be depressed, well, come back and we'll help you.

monkeymamma Fri 07-Dec-12 13:40:27

Op, don't have anything helpful to say really but your post has really spoken to me today. my oH has two Christmas parties, one was Weds and he was steaming drunk at the end of it (so I got no help that evening, through the night - ds 10mo still wakes 3 or 4 times a night, and wants bfing, the only way to cut down the feeds is if oh settles him, if I try he just wants milk. So with oh in bed drunk/hungover I was bfing our 10mo four times in the night! Argh! Sore boobs as well as knackered. also then no help in the morning with breakfast etc) and the next party is tonight so am expecting the same thing again tonight/tomorrow. I thought last night he would at least make the dinner (I do all the cooking normally) or offer to bath ds while I had a bit of time off, but no jo whatsoever even when I said this was what I ws hoping for.
It does help that as I'm still bfing, there won't be any parties, nights out etc for me for a while. Let alone getting pissed! I do have mum friends but haven't seen them for ages because ds has had a virus for the last 5 weeks and I don't want to pass it to their babies. (I've had it too so am feeling really shitty anyway).
In some ways it isn't that I need oh's help so much, it's that I miss him and don't feel like he misses me :-(

Sorry for woefully non-constructive post but it feels better to have got it off my chest!!

k4mi Fri 07-Dec-12 13:50:41

Ah monkey mamma I feel the same about how you miss them (or just adult company!!) and they don't you so much. It's rubbish. I feel sorry for you still breast feeding (altho is the best thing!) but I know it restricts things even more. I don't have that problem and should count myself lucky to only be up once or twice but it still sucks! Can you ask him to get less drunk tonight or is that a no go?

LaQueen Fri 07-Dec-12 14:31:59

Well, it sounds to me like you're feeling very unhappy at the moment, and wants to punish your DH as a result. Not very fair, but understandable, I suppose.

You admit that you are the one deliberately pushing for an argument, yes?

If you want to take the advice of an experienced girlfriend/wife of more than 20 years, who is happily married to a bloke who thinks the sun shines out of her bum...I would smile gracefully, arrange several nice things to do with your GFs this weekend, tell your DH to have a fabulous time, tell him to come back when he is ready to (absolutely zero point in him coming home, only to sulk)...

...but, make it very clear that next weekend you get to do what you want to do. Whether that be waited on hand and foot by your DH, or wined and dined, or meeting up with friends. What you wants goes, okay?

I see soooooooooooooooo many relationship head down this path of petty sniping, and he said/she said, and hiden resentment and sulking, and just general nastiness. And, there's really no need.

Your DH gets what he wants this weekend. You get what you want next week. It's a Win/Win smile

Feckthehalls Sat 08-Dec-12 00:43:16

Morriszapp you are well smart

Lavenderhoney Sat 08-Dec-12 05:04:40

He might have to go for networking reasons, to show willing, all sorts of stuff even if he is planning to leave, - he might still need the contacts or the other job might not be in the bag. I'm sure other the wives aren't so happy either. I'm quite surprised it doesn't include partners though, as it's a weekend. Do you know any of them? Pity the company doesn't think about the women/ men supporting them all year.

I agree with laqueen and others, my dh has things like this all the time and although I love being a sahm I have to make an effort for me. I love being at home and with the dc but I have to get out a bit. This is making him wobble slightly and fuss about babysitters/ money etc ( he works most evenings) so not before time. Maybe I will have my own thread soonsmile

ohfunnyface Sat 08-Dec-12 09:37:54

La queen has the answer.

ImperialBlether Sat 08-Dec-12 11:40:43

It's not exactly a family friendly company he works for, is it? How many people could go off for a weekend like that? It's hardly something a lot of women with children could do. And if someone had a reputation for affairs, a weekend like that would be a nightmare for their partner.

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