Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Am I being selfish because I don't want him to go to the pub?

(67 Posts)
AutumnGlory Fri 30-Nov-12 22:24:06

So, he is at the pub. He works shifts and today he finished at 5, sent me a txt saying he was going there and I txt back saying ok, but I wasn't 100% ok. So at 7:30 I call him from the supermarket car park to check if he is back home and he is still at the pub. I call him and ask him to go home so he can still spend time with dd but he says he is enjoying himself and will be home soon (but he is not back yet). I txt him 1 hour ago asking if he is on his way but he says I love you, I will be home soon. It is pointless to call at this point.I'm glad I managed to make dd go to sleep because I don't want her to see him drunk. He doesn't go very often anymore and doesn't get drunk often anymore (used to happen a lot and we had rough times because of this) but I hate drunkenness, pubs, nights out and if I was to go myself with my friends he would be absolutely fine with me so I probably should cut him some slack? As long as even if he is drunk, he is quiet and go to sleep? Is there anything wrong with getting drunk and coming home late sometimes? He works very hard and don't have many friends a part from this one he is with right now. I'm not worried about OW, I'm worried about him being drunk at night in London and alone because his friend doesn't live near us and obviously I'm worried about dd seeing him drunk. Sorry it is long.

dequoisagitil Mon 17-Dec-12 12:15:49

I was going to come back to this thread earlier, but have had a busy weekend - but you're been playing on my mind, Autumn, (and I see on a quick glance through that there is more going on here anyway).

What I was going to come back and say 'though, was that you get to decide your deal-breakers - and it doesn't matter if a horde of other people think it wouldn't be one for them. It's you that is living the relationship, and if you're unhappy to the point you think you'd like to leave, then that is 'good enough' reason to leave.

AutumnGlory Sun 16-Dec-12 10:12:39

He hasn't had a shower for over two weeks. That is normal for him even in the summer. I used to nag and nag because I do think this is disgusting. He has a 'wash' every morning. He thinks this is enough. And when he had a shoer last time it was super quick he didn't even smelt nice like we do when we have a proper nice shower. And he expects me to be up for sex???? He does have a quicly shower when he thinks I will have sex with him...of course this just makes me repulse him even more. In the past he had been drunk very often, there were times when he shit himself, vomited all over, slept on the floor, left the front door open with belongs outside, lost Iphone, wallet, got mugged....for the last two years he had been improving a lot, specially the last year, it has been 'ok' whith the drinking problem. He is the one who claims to be an alcoholic, not me. He has been to see the GP two years ago and he spoke about his drinking problem, the GP referred him to see someone else (nurse or other doctor, I'm not sure) he didn't go because he said he could sort himself out. Which he has being doing. He hasn't come badly drunk from the pub, I worry he would and I get anxious and worried him coming back alone in the evening. Plus I would rather he spend time with DD than his drinking mates but I know now I have been U about this. I say he is a good dad because he is kind/patiente/fun and loving. But he is not very proactive, doesn't take her out to do interesting things on his own very often and uses TV and computers a lot when spending time with her. And as DD said the other day: Is dad at home? He will be either sleeping or on his Ipad. He has been like this a lot lately.

fanoftheinvisiblebigredman Sun 16-Dec-12 09:02:28

I have to be honest OP and say I am a little confused as I replied to your first post where you didn't like dh going out but he didn't get drunk often and was a good dad inbetween. Has he just developed this borderline alcoholism and become a rubbish dad in the last two weeks?

What you presented originally seems to have changed significantly.

AmberLeaf Sat 15-Dec-12 23:40:08

Is there anything you like about him?

Rollergirl1 Sat 15-Dec-12 22:57:00

He hasn't had a shower for over 2 weeks? How can he get away with that if he works with food? That's disgusting!

It sounds to me like you don't really like each other that much. What's in it for any of you?

AutumnGlory Sat 15-Dec-12 21:22:04

Thanks.

SorryMyCandyCaneLollipop Sat 15-Dec-12 20:54:19

You will never know what he thought or why he didn't give her the broccoli. What is more important is that you felt let down by him over the broccoli and you seem to be feeling let down by him a lot. It may be about his behaviour, it may be you projecting things from your past onto him, it could be a combination of both.

The most important thing here is that you are not happy and it's impossible in your situation to see things clearly without some sort of structure and/or support.

I also think that al-anon may be very useful.

If you don't start unpicking things then you will either continue to suffer in your current relationship (no matter who is at fault, you are unhappy and therefore suffering) or this relationship will come to an end and you will repeat the same patterns ad infinitum until you do manage to unpick things.

AutumnGlory Sat 15-Dec-12 20:16:16

He constantly can't find stuff in the fridge or cupboard so I would like to think I left the broccoli out for this reason but maybe he thought I was taking the piss...? My MIL is very patronizing with her "men is all the same" bulshit, bless than, they can't do the washing up properly or don't know how to work the wash machine....or they don't know how to find their stuff and need to constant ask. Drives me mad. Luckily for me she learned how not to say these comments when I'm around but he was brought up this way.

SorryMyCandyCaneLollipop Sat 15-Dec-12 20:05:32

If you haven't "investigated" your relationship with alcohol and the effect it has had/is having on you, I fully recommend that you explore this issue. A good, easy readto start you off is this book I had a similar upbringing to you and the scales seemed to literally fall from my eyes when I read this book.

Good luck OP, I know it's not easy x

SorryMyCandyCaneLollipop Sat 15-Dec-12 20:01:02

I would have felt patronised by the broccoli being left out too and it would have made me not want to do it, especially if I felt someone was nagging me and on my case.

HotBurrito1 Sat 15-Dec-12 19:59:10

I'd have found you leaving the broccoli out patronising, and probably have cooked her carrots to be stubborn.

Dozer Sat 15-Dec-12 19:57:54

Leanandhungry, there are many reasons why the OP has good reason to feel aggrieved, brocolli or no brocolli!

Does he ever take DD out alone OP? If you asked him to do that tomorrow, how would he react?

Have heard that the hospitality industry can be bad, both in terms of conditions of employment and drinking.

AutumnGlory Sat 15-Dec-12 19:36:10

Would you cook sausages and chips but no broccoli even tough broccoli is there and it is your child's favourite veg...? Specially after your spouse asked for you to include broccoli and left broccoli right on the top of the stove for you?

AutumnGlory Sat 15-Dec-12 19:30:19

He works either from 8am-10pm, or 8am-4pm or 2pm-10pm. He needs around 45 minutes for travel. I would say he does the long day shifts at least 3 times a week.

theleanandhungrytype Sat 15-Dec-12 19:30:15

You sound like you are just going around looking for excuses to get annoyed with him. Is it really an issue that he goes out drinking and then one month later doesn't give his daughter broccoli?

AutumnGlory Sat 15-Dec-12 19:14:27

Last time I went out on my own and left dd with him I left her dinner ready in the fridge but he said he would cook say sausage and mash for her. I told him not to forget broccoli and left the broccoli on the stove so he wouldn't forget. I came home and he had cooked sausage and chips....the broccoli there untouched. I asked why she didn't eat broccoli and she said she wasn't offered....I ask him, not reasonable answer of course. I ask dd kf she still wants broccoli and proceed tks cook it and she than eats a bowl full of it in front of him. I than talk to him about healthy eating and all this blablbl....he is a chef. He can cook beautiful food when he wants to impress. But when it's only to feed dd or himself he does crap things like this and I know he is copying his childhood. Sad really. First time dd as a toddler stayed at PILs without me, MIL gave her a princess tinned crap for dinner. I was shocked.

AutumnGlory Sat 15-Dec-12 19:02:24

That is exactly what dd does when spending time with him. From the sofa an tv from bedroom and iPad. Maybe that is the reason why I dont take time for myself as I feel bad she will have a boring day. He isn't lazy to go to work but he is lazy at home most of the time, we live in London an he won't go anywhere, I take dd to skills many interesting places and he doesn't come. He is coming tomorrow because it is shopping and eating out. He has been over 2 weeks whitout a shower. I stopped fighting about this subject. What I find funny js that we were raised pretty much similar way: selfish parents, slightly negeleted, alcohol and cigarettes galore at home. As soon as I became an adult and specially a mother I made the decision to be different or ( better ) than my parents but he is just doing the same his dad did. Even tough he says he doesn't want to be this kind of father he just takes the easier route. He said yesterday that he knows he is very shallow, I know he isn't the sharpest tool in the box, but I'm not asking him to become an investment banker. He lacks self esteem and confidence and that I why he won't even try to change his job. Although he is very generous with money lacks ambition and self drive. He is only 31 and he says he reached his full potential already.....but when met him he was playing another record of course.

Dozer Sat 15-Dec-12 18:25:16

Don't let go of your anger, it sounds like it is justified! But maybe leave things til the new year, then seek advice from a counsellor and alcohol organisations (if you suspect a problem there).

Dozer Sat 15-Dec-12 18:23:27

Forget the Dd reading homework thing and even the ipad for now, that's the least of your worries.

He should not need to "recover" from boozing/work! pathetic. When is your leisure time? Maybe tomorrow instead of your family day out he should do something nice with DD and you get some time for yourself.

Not a nice living environment for you or DD. My friend's ex was like this (did have a drink problem in bis case). Her son had to hang out in bedrooms or in front of the TV to spend time with his dad.

Dozer Sat 15-Dec-12 18:18:31

Ah ok, sorry I thought he'd had time off sick. But still unacceptable to laze about all his time off work, especially with colds!

If he is genuinely too exhausted / unwell to spend time with his DC and do normal household chores on a regular basis, he should visit his GP for a check-up. Clearly he saves his energy for his (poorly rewarded) work. But, setting aside the question of his drinking, it sounds like he is lazy/thinks you will do everything (which you seem to do).

Also unacceptable to refuse to think about seeking better employment if it is negatively affecting family life.

People can be alcoholic - or have a problem - and not drink in mornings/every day. How much / how often does he drink that you know about? Maybe you should speak to al-anon?

AutumnGlory Sat 15-Dec-12 18:18:09

So today I was doing a favour for a friend looking after her child so I left home at 1pm to soft play taking my daughter with me too. He woke up short before I left and made brunch for himself. I come home at 5 to find him in the bedroom with the ipad, that is fine a part from the fact that he didn't do the ONLY thing I asked him to which was hang up the clothes to dry...I said joking: thanks for hanging up the clothes and the reply was could I make him a coffee?? The dishes are still in the sink (few of them are from my breakfast and others from his brunch). My daughter got changed and went into bed with him when we arrived but at 5:45 he was already 'asleep' again while she was watching something on the ipad beside him. That is what I'm talking about. And I tell you, even if he hadn't been to the pub yesterday it would probably be the same shit. He is the one who is usually taking dd swimming on Sundays if not working but he didn't do last two ones as he needed to recover. We already agreed (before I went to soft play) to go out to have a family day tomorrow and I told him not to turn the ipad on at all while dd was awake. I don't know what is gonna happen and I have to let go my anger to not spoil Sunday and Christmas coming up.

AutumnGlory Sat 15-Dec-12 18:07:58

He didn't take time off from work because he was ill but any time out of work he had, he spent recovering/sleeping/relaxing with the excuse as he was too tired from hard work + the cold. He gets colds a lot even in the summer and He is hard-working in a fields that doesn't reward much, he work hard long hours for peanuts but he won't do anything else or even change employment for better circumstances. He never took one sick day in the 6 or 7 years I know him and I had to fight for him to get his paternity leave. Regarding the dislexya, I know he didn't have a greta education and his parents didn't care much bit of he is dyslexic he doesn't do anything about it a part from moaning. In case you didn't realise English is not my 1st language and I started to learn how to speak English only in 2005 but I still do my best to help my daughter with her homework. And she is year 1 ffs it is so easy. I'm sure he cab find a dictionary on his ipad if he will struggle with an Y1 homework. Re alcoholism, as far as I know he doesn't drink in the mornings or during work so I don't know if he can be classified as alcoholic. He can go few days whitout drinking if he wants to.

Dozer Sat 15-Dec-12 15:39:29

"He cries because I can't give him what he needs (more sex more often and affection)."

Not surprising you don't feel like sex in the circumstances!

"he claims he's an alcoholic". If this is the case, given your upbringing etc, why ae you still with him? If it's true and he has a problem, he can get help, or not, but not your job to fix, and just "cutting back" is unlikely to help. If it's untrue and said to manipulate you, that's pretty nasty.

What's wrong with his health? Is he in trouble at work for all this time off sick?

Dozer Sat 15-Dec-12 15:34:17

"I wouldn't want to live with someone who frequently went to the pub after work without checking it was OK in advance. Who told me he'd be back at x time but then didn't turn up till hours later. Who drank while he was too ill to pull his weight at home. Who avoided spending time with the children. None of these are traits I'd find acceptable."

I agree with emmaline and am surprised by the posts saying the OP is being unreasonable.

He has history of boozing / spending money that they cannot afford on drink. Has no friends apart from drinking ones. Doesn't seem to do any domestic jobs or meaningful childcare (eg mornings). And after his last boozy night out had a significant stretch of time off work sick - for many employers enough absence to put your job at risk -but continued drinking at home. He doesn't sound a catch.

BertieBotts Germany Sat 15-Dec-12 15:19:52

This is starting to sound less like an isolated issue and more that you've really grown apart or found that perhaps you weren't really that compatible to begin with.

If you're not happy, nobody is forcing you to stay. It sounds like you could have a reasonably amicable split and co-parenting relationship, although that's not the ideal situation, it's better than bumbling along miserable for years and years. I hope that you can find some solution which leads to happiness for you both in the end.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now