Am I being selfish because I don't want him to go to the pub?

[AutumnGlory]

So, he is at the pub. He works shifts and today he finished at 5, sent me a txt saying he was going there and I txt back saying ok, but I wasn't 100% ok. So at 7:30 I call him from the supermarket car park to check if he is back home and he is still at the pub. I call him and ask him to go home so he can still spend time with dd but he says he is enjoying himself and will be home soon (but he is not back yet). I txt him 1 hour ago asking if he is on his way but he says I love you, I will be home soon. It is pointless to call at this point.I'm glad I managed to make dd go to sleep because I don't want her to see him drunk. He doesn't go very often anymore and doesn't get drunk often anymore (used to happen a lot and we had rough times because of this) but I hate drunkenness, pubs, nights out and if I was to go myself with my friends he would be absolutely fine with me so I probably should cut him some slack? As long as even if he is drunk, he is quiet and go to sleep? Is there anything wrong with getting drunk and coming home late sometimes? He works very hard and don't have many friends a part from this one he is with right now. I'm not worried about OW, I'm worried about him being drunk at night in London and alone because his friend doesn't live near us and obviously I'm worried about dd seeing him drunk. Sorry it is long.

[dequoisagitil]

I don't really see a problem with him going out drinking occasionally with his mate. That is, if he usually makes his way home ok afterwards and he is an engaged parent most evenings/weekends.

If he's one of these guys who gets so drunk he's useless all weekend afterwards or he's a nasty drunk, that's a different matter.

[LingDiLong]

No I don't think there's generally anything wrong with going to the pub sometimes and having a few drinks. By drunk though what do you mean? How drunk? And what kind of drunk is he? I went out a few weeks back and had a bit too much to drink. I was still able to get home safely and didn't crash around making a noise or throwing up in the bathroom. I just climbed into bed and crashed out. If he's an obnoxious drunk or drinks to such an excess that he puts himself in danger or throws up then I can see what you don't want him to go to the pub.

[OpheliaPayneAgain]

I cant even read that

[AutumnGlory]

When is at home he is a loving and engaged father IF awake. He has got the whole weekend off so he will still have plenty of time for DD and housework. He always gets home safely, there were occasions when he was bumping everywhere or sick in the toilet in the past. Nowadays he usually gets undressed and goes to sleep. If I'm awake he tries to talk. When I used to be angry it would lead to arguments but if I just say we can talk tomorrow, he just goes to sleep. But because I grew up with drunk parents I can never relax and trust. Plus he has been there since 5 and it is 11 now so it is excessive isn't it? However I know that when you are having fun time flies. He doesn't have a hobbY as I said and he is pretty low maintenance so as long as he is an OK drunk he is doing nothing wrong even though he said he would be back soon and it is taking so long?

[AutumnGlory]

Ophelia, I'm on my phone and doing my best to write in a language that is not my own.

[Cantbelieveitsnotbutter]

I encourage mine to go out drinking every so often! It's good for them to have some boy time. As long as its occasionally and he's not a horrible drunk then I think it's good for them.

[CatchingMockingbirds]

I don't see a problem with it sorry. You said yourself he rarely does it, why don't you plan a nice night out for yourself next week to take your mind off it?

[bradywasmyfavouriteking]

I think you need to speak about this.

he is giving excuses like 'be home soon' because he knows you are getting annoyed.

Personally (unless this was happeneing all the time to extremes) i would be happy for dh to go to the pub after work on occassion. Especially if he is an otherwise good dad and husband.

I would also expect dh to have the kids occasionally so I can do something as well. and then have lots of family time.

Dh worsk evenings (chef) and may go out for a drink after work. he has ds every week day morning so I can go to the gym.

So its seems fair.

[AutumnGlory]

How long is it too long? He went at 5. Now is well past 11...

[bradywasmyfavouriteking]

Well I would say tonight up til about 1ish (if its a pub is ok) although I have no idea what time pubs shut now.

Maybe later if he is in town at a club.

I would be more bothered if it was every week and he was that hung over its spoilt Saturday.

[dequoisagitil]

You're bound to have misgivings due to your parents.

I would not like him saying he'd be back at one time and then being very late - I would prefer he told me in advance he was going out and likely to be back at closing time.

Perhaps because of previous arguments, he is being passive-aggressive and choosing to beg for forgiveness afterwards, than to be denied permission beforehand.

If it's an occasional thing, I would try to accept it and make it easier on both him and yourself.

[LingDiLong]

That doesn't sound long to me. It's like going out at 7 and coming back at 1 in the morning. A late night but not crazy. Sounds like you've got into a situation where he knows you don't like him being out so he's avoiding (or putting off) an argument by telling you what you want to hear i.e. 'I'll be back soon'. He's also possibly anticipating trouble when he gets back which isn't really going to make him want to rush back.

I'd only start worrying if I knew pubs had all shut and DH had missed a last bus/train home or was uncharacteristically late. But it would be worry rather than an anger as long as it wasn't a regular thing.

[dequoisagitil]

What do you mean by 'IF awake'? Does he waste a lot of family time sleeping due to hangovers or laziness?

[DIYapprentice]

How long is it too long? He went at 5. Now is well past 11...

So? If he comes home and goes to straight to bed, then what difference does it make if he's home at 10 or way past midnight. If he gets up at a reasonable time that is.

He wants NIGHT out with a mate, not just a couple of drinks and then straight back home to you, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that every now and then.

I hate drunkenness, pubs, nights out; I grew up with drunk parents I can never relax and trust.

This isn't about him going out too often (which he's not) this is about your issues with alcohol and your parents. You need to deal with these. Have you ever had counseling?

[JessePinkman]

I would be thoroughly pissed off if I was out and my dh kept on phoning and texting me to come home. I would be embarrassed if my friends thought I was being told to come home.

If he is not being sick, waking up the whole household, wetting the bed, missing the last train, and then sleeping in bins whilst waiting for the first train back, shitting himself in a taxi and then asking you to take his soiled suit to the dry cleaners I would be OK with him having as many drinks as he liked.

[PurpleCrutches]

Sorry, but you sound like you're completely overreacting. There is nothing wrong with him going out occasionally.

If you have issues with alcohol then you need to deal with them separately rather than taking them out on your DP.

[EmmelineGoulden]

I do think DIY might have a point about your view being skewed by your childhood. It is normal to go out for a night with friends and drink occasionally. If it doesn't adversely affect others then it seems a bit unreasonable to object.

But I think going out for the night without having arranged it in advance, especially the drip feeding - the coming home in an hour and back soon responses - is inconsiderate. You have a DD so his going off for a jolly forces you to stay home and look after them. And leaves you sat at home on your own after your DD gone to bed on a Friday night. So his decision alters your evening as well as his.

I think that's a pretty rude way to treat a partner. And I don't think parents have the right to that kind of freedom. DD is his responsibility too - you aren't the default carer with him taking over at his convenience. He should have arranged with you first that he was going to be out for the night, let you know what to expect and made sure you were OK with it. Also I suspect the stringing you along with his replies really plays to the fears you have about alcoholics. The lack of dependability and the unfulfilled promises.

So I don't think he's wrong to go out for a night drinking once in a blue moon. But he shouldn't be doing it like this when you're not fine with it.

[AutumnGlory]

Hi thank you all for the replies. He was back at 11:15, he was fine. I was still awake so we had a light chat about lots of things. I will though ask him to give me a bit more notice next time so I can arrange a friend to come over or just get on with my things however the worry of having someone drunk in my household still makes me anxious, I know I have to deal with it. Oh and I said IF awake because he works shifts and has randons days off so sometimes he is sleeping while I'm working or dd and I are doing activities. There is time for family time too.

[AutumnGlory]

So I need to update. After the day of this O, he came down with a cold that took him until yesterday to get better. During all this time he has been feeling really bad but still drinking at home and smoking outside in the cold. Anyway relaxed a lot during his time off (more than usual) and during this week he couldn't even read dd a book because he was so "ill". (He hates reading for her anyway, I have to push and he won't if can find an excuse). So today I knew he was supposed to finish early and even commented how lovely would be for dd to spend some time with him even if it is him on his game on the ipad and she watching a dvd as long as they are together. But he txt me at 4pm saying: see you soon. I thought he was on his way back and after while I started to thinks if he went Christmas shopping or something until I started to realize he might have be in the pub. I called him at 7 and we talked until 7:15. I was trying to explain how sad I feel that he hasn't been spending much time with dd lately using his 'cold' as an excuse and he saying that today he was feeling better and decided to socialise and there is nothing wrong with this. But I argued that if he is feeling better than his priority should be family time no? Ore could even go to the pub but don't need to stay there until late. He said I was trying to say nothing he does is good enough, and I'm always saying everything he does is wrong and there is the weekend for him to make up for tonight. Than he said he would be back before 11 I said that would be too late, than he said the next hour or so, so he should be here nearly half an hour ago but he isn't. I txt him saying I didn't mean to cause a fight and that I should have left to talk about this issue other time and even apologised he txt back saying he loves me. Please can anyone tell me if IABU or not? I would never choose to spend time in the pub instead of my own family so maybe this is me being wrong. The only thing I have to say on his defence is that last Sunday I woke up early and had a minor tantrum about him spending another day in bed just playing games and he cleaned the house top to bottom doing a much better job than I do....

[Shinyshoes1]

Autumn seriously you need to back off you sound like a nag ... Whinging every time he has a drink After work .

Your first post was 30th Nov it's now mid December I'm assuming he hasn't done it in many times inbetween

Get help for your issues regarding your parents and leave the bloke alone to enjoy a Christmas drink

[AutumnGlory]

Are you sure this is not a LTB situation? I just hope he comes back ok like last time, not drunk. Please.

[dequoisagitil]

He needs to be telling you if he wants to go down the pub, not leaving you high & dry trying to work out what's he's up to.

You need to allow him to spend a bit of leisure time as he likes. You also need to make sure you have an equal amount of leisure time in which to do as you like - if not pubs, then cinema, library, gym, whatever.

If he buggers off the pub for 3 hours without running it by you, then you should have the same right to bugger off wherever without running it by him.

[dequoisagitil]

See how he likes them apples.

[CajaDeLaMemoria]

What do you mean is this not a LTB situation?

Do you want to be told to leave him?

I think a drink every once in a while is okay. But that's a different issue to him not doing things with your daughter. Yes, he has limited time, but he needs to prioritise things to make room for playing with your DD and going to the pub.

He clearly needs that time down the pub, whether its to socialise, to wind down or just to have some time out with his friends. You might not choose to spend your time that way, but he does. He doesn't do it often (some people are down the pub four or five nights a week) so it's really not worth fighting over.