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Husband won't let my family visit

(115 Posts)
sosotiredagain123 Fri 30-Nov-12 18:29:07

DH has for the 2nd time in three months refused to let my parents visit they live over 200 miles away and I have not seen them since July but he wants quiet weekends

myroomisatip Sun 02-Dec-12 15:46:39

OP Just read the thread! Please call Womens Aid. My STBXH was just the same! I put up with it for years. It takes a lot to not feel bitter and twisted that I have wasted my life on him! Oh he was living the life of Riley while I had to work to feed myself and my kids. This year he has had at least 2 holidays abroad while I don't have a penny to spare and have not had a holiday for over 20 years. sad

Don't waste another minute with him! Go get some legal advice.

And please don't worry about calling the police. They are wonderful and believe me, they are not stupid. My STBX is also a charmer but he couldn't pull the wool over their eyes.

Also, if you can, and please be careful, record his verbal assaults on your phone.

I know it is scarey. It took me too many years to find the courage to start to get out, and if it wasn't for the wise and wonderful women on MN I might never have found the courage.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 02-Dec-12 14:10:38

Yes she could go talk to the police now with the historical stuff and she is very likely to get a very symperthetic response they will be very helpfull and supportive but the emergency powers the police have are designed to be used where an arrest is made or straight after an assault they are not the same as a court order.

The op could also get legal support and go to court to get him out of the house sadly this is easier if any assaults have been reported.

The op could also phone woman's aid who could give emotional support find a refuge place refer to a dvip or other support service.

I only highlighted an instant way that she can gain practicle help to stay in her own home, leaving fleeing going else where or what ever else you want to call it, is not the only way often its not the best way and its not the only option. Many many people experanceing DV do not want nor do they need to leave there home and if they can get help to stay should they choose to then why shouldn't they.

It's also a fact that its much easier for the police to gain the evidence they need to present to the cps so a conviction can be obtained as well as a cps obtained protection order so furthering the likelyhood of her being able to safely stay in her home if they are involved as quickly as possible after an assault obviously if they are investigating a current DV offence then a good DV specialist officer will take historical information to show a patten or highlight risk but the likelyhood of that ending up with more convictions or charges in the absence of witnesses or documented injuries ect is slim but it can assist with getting a protection order as well as other things.

ThereGoesTheYear Sun 02-Dec-12 12:06:24

I agree with Juggling. OP, he has already assaulted you by twisting your arm and pouring wine over you. You don't need to wait until he does it again; you can call the police now. But I really would recommend calling Woman's Aid as soon as you can. This is without a doubt domestic abuse. Woman's Aid is a great place to start. They will have heard it all before, including his petty threats and counter-accusations, and will not tell you what you have to do, but they will tell you what you can do.

JugglingWithPossibilities Sat 01-Dec-12 18:52:50

I know everyone's trying to help but I couldn't help noticing "If the OP reports the next assault" and thinking God, she doesn't have to wait for the next one does she ? I'm sure she's got plenty to tell Women's Aid or the police already if she'd like their support with the situation and moving on from it. And we can all leave any relationship - or should be able to - as soon as we realise we're not happy with things as they are. HTH.

akaemmafrost Fri 30-Nov-12 22:02:16

The police WILL believe you I promise. They are totally different to how they used to be, many forces have units specifically for DV. It is their job and their duty to believe and help you. I would call them right now. I have done under similar circumstances and they removed him there and then and he never lived in the family home again.

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 30-Nov-12 21:35:43

If the op reports the next assault he can either be given bail conditions not to return and/ or a short term order obtained by the police usually lasting a few days to provide opportunity to obtain a none molestation and occupation order or just get some thinking and breathing space away from him but in her home.

Your local police station will have a specialist police officer who will have heard the same old threats thousands of times and will be able to offer reassurance.

If you see a solisiter about domestic violence and separation or protection only your income is considered for legal aid its not done on joint income he cannot stop you doing this and his version of events won't matter.

You do not have to leave your home if you don't want to you can get orders to make him leave and carry on paying for you to live there. He will be made to leave and he will be ordered to stay away from you and can be arrested if he ignores the orders.

AdoraJingleBells Fri 30-Nov-12 21:27:54

You really do need to heed the advice already given, plan to leave if you don't feel able to do it today. Speak to Women's Aid, tell them about the slaps and kicks, twisting your arm back and pouring alcohol over you, isolating you from your family, threatening to take the children. Tell them every detail, no matter how small you think it is. Do you drive and have access to a car? If so keep the tank topped up. If not find out times of trains from your nearest station. Do have a friend you could trust and stash a bag with them?

Don't worry about having posted this here, it's the not the wrong place it's just that Relationships may be a better place.

JugglingWithPossibilities Fri 30-Nov-12 21:27:51

How soon do you feel you could pack a bag with essentials (birth certs or passports etc) and take your children to your parents for Christmas, with a view to not coming back ? Life can be better than this. good luck !

QOD Fri 30-Nov-12 21:14:07

If you can't bring yourself to leave him right now, start planning slowly

Any passports, birth certs, monies etc hide them away, pack necessities and hide that too.

Then start to plan, we understand if you can't do it now, but you need to start training your mind to accept that you may have to

pigletmania Fri 30-Nov-12 21:12:26

Just read the whole thread, my god what. Controlling, abusive bastard. Please call those helplines. Can you move in with your arents or ny friends nearby

pigletmania Fri 30-Nov-12 21:06:55

Leave the bastard, he sounds lie a prize knobber.

cheesesavory Fri 30-Nov-12 21:06:48

Please call womens aid. You cannot carry on in this relationship and neither can your children.

Promethea Fri 30-Nov-12 21:06:00

Im going to join in and agree with everyone that you have to get out, quickly.

It will be hard and scary, but I think you've done the hardest and scariest bit already by sticking around so long. Good luck

hellymelly Fri 30-Nov-12 21:00:49

OP I am so sorry you are in this terrible position, as all the posters above are saying, you need to get advice on getting away from this man before things get worse (which they will if you stay). Taking the children to your parents is a good idea. (Does anyone know if the OP reported him for the assault/s she could get him to have to leave the home? ) I wouldn't tell him where you are going, or that you are going, I would just pack and take the children when you can.

DrCoconut Fri 30-Nov-12 20:59:13

My ex kept telling me to "f" off if I didn't like his increasingy bizarre and controlling behaviour. One day I oblliged and never went back. Sounds like you need to consider the same. This sort of thing does not usually improve.

sosotiredagain123 Fri 30-Nov-12 20:44:50

Where ever you think is best sorry to post in the wrong place

OliviaMumsnet (MNHQ) Fri 30-Nov-12 20:43:01

Hello OP
Do let us know if would you like us to move this thread to relationships, won't you?

gordyslovesheep Fri 30-Nov-12 20:27:22

another vote for Women's Aid

set yourself free of this utter bastard - you are your kids deserve better x

StanleyLambchop Fri 30-Nov-12 20:26:05

the odd slap or kick

Enough already, get out of there!!!

Chopstheduck Fri 30-Nov-12 20:23:09

Do talk to women's aid. The number won't show up on your phone bill. They won't try to coerce you not anything you aren't ready to do, but can offer your device on your situation.

He sounds a nightmare. I know what it is like to be in your kind of situation, where everyone else things he is charming and don't see the other side of it.

LaCiccolina Fri 30-Nov-12 20:22:49

Hang on a minute! Ur bright and u are plausible! How Fi I know? U have just written four pages of posts and have many women answering you and believing you.

You have another here. This is no way to live my dear. It's one thing when things creep up and change but once u notice, I mean really see what's happening as u do clearly do now, can u tell us u can ignore it for the rest of ur life?

Please babe, do as the others urge. U wouldn't let a friend go thru this would u? So why r u? Please....?

skatebauble Fri 30-Nov-12 20:22:10

Please get out op. Asap.
If not for your sake, for your dc.

SoldeInvierno Fri 30-Nov-12 20:19:38

OP , you are not alone on this. Women's Aid and the police seen 1000's of cases every year of women in your situation. Don't wait for it to get worse. Call someone and get help. They will believe you and help you.

tadjennyp Fri 30-Nov-12 20:18:45

Then you need to go to the police. If you have bruises they can be documented. In fact take pictures of the bruises when they come out and send them to a friend.

pictish Fri 30-Nov-12 20:18:19

Women's Aid OP. Please please talk to them!

You must get out of there as a soon as you can! No marriage or job is worth this half life you are living!!

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