Any of you experts on Toxicity about?

[BunnyLebowski]

I posted this in Chat but have been sagely advised to re-post here.

This will be long. Best grab a brew if you feel like reading

DP's father is, basically, a bit mental and very very difficult. He brought DP up alone which is admirable but the issues he has always had have created major problems. Can only think of giving you a bulletpoint list rather than a long-winded essay.

1. FIL is a bitter, quite nasty man with a huge victim complex. The world is out to get him. Lots of failed ventures (never his fault). Has been sacked from many jobs and had 2 or 3 tribunals (which he's lost).
   
2. He is estranged from all his 7 siblings. Sees and talks to no-one but DP.
   
3. He expected DP to move back home after uni and fight all his imaginary battles with him. Instead DP met me and we've been together ever since (11 years).
   
4. FIL hates me. In fact, he hates all women. He got thrown off his teaching course because he refused to be mentored by a young successful female teacher . He was insufferably rude to me the few time I went home with DP at the start of our relationship. I don't bother with him anymore.
   
5. He sets DP imaginary deadlines and then spits the dummy when DP fails to meet them. For example, DP sent him a Father's Day card. It arrived the next day instead of on the day. DP wouldn't speak to him. It was an insult apparently.
   
6. FIL hates my family and hates DP spending time with my family. I can only guess because I have a relatively normal, happy family who love DP and who think the world of DD and see her as much as they can.
   
7. He has ruined holidays and birthdays by sending bitter, hateful emails to DP about what a bad son he is.
   
8. When DD was born DP rang his father only to have his father put the phone down on him . DP then sent an email. All the reply did was insult DD's name .
   

Consequently DP gave up. DP was really heartbroken. About a year ago they got back in touch and DP has been taking DD back to visit him every few months. He didn't meet his only granddaughter till she was 2 and a half.

So now. It was DP's birthday on Saturday. His cards arrived on Friday. I put them on the hall shelf as we do with all post. FIL rings at 9am Saturday morning and asks if DP got his card. DP wanders to the hall and opens it. FIL goes mad that he hasn't already done this and is doing it on the phone .

Last night DP received another hateful, poisonous email accusing him of being a bad son. For the card and also because we're spending this Christmas with my family in Ireland (last one was 3 years ago when DD was 2 months old). He slagged me off a bit too for good measure.

What can I do to help DP? Quite honestly I think he'd be better off without this man in his life. I worry about his possible influence on DD. If I'm brutally honest, I have had thoughts in the past that DP's life would be easier if FIL just dropped dead some day. I know that's a horrible thing to think.

If anyone has made it to the end of this, thank you .

Any advice would be desperately received.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

All you can do is encourage your DP to be more assertive with his father. The man is not 'toxic' so much as a straightforward bully. As such, he has to be stood up to and if he 'goes mad' about someone not opening a card immediately it arrives then he has to be put in his place. 'Not assettable' as SuperNanny would put it.

He's lost everyone else in his life and your DP is all he has left. The message therefore has to be that if he doesn't want to die completely alone and ignored he has to shape up, stop behaving like a brat and accept contact on your terms. Make it as plain as that

Easier said than done so DP is going to need your encouragement and reassurance that he is a man, deserves respect and does not have to tolerate bullying just because the bully happens to be a parent.

My direct experience is that people are not always better off cutting out such parents, even though it seems the sensible choice on paper. Your DP got back in touch originallypresumably because he's a decent man has loyalties and, in spite of everything, wants to have a relationship. But it has to be on his terms, not this bully of a man.

[FlorentinePogen]

There is only one piece of advice you nd your DP need, difiicult as it will be.

Cut this nasty, bitter & twisted bastard out of your life.

[NicholasTeakozy]

Your DP needs to tell his dad that if he wants contact to continue he must treat you all with the respect he currently doesn't.

No wonder he has noone in his life, he sounds vile.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Gosh, well done your DP for growing up into a decent human being after that upbringing. He should realise though, he is the one with the power now. FIL stands to lose the last person who'll put up with him; DP stands to lose a bitter angry millstone. So without becoming a bully himself, he will need to assert himself, to place boundaries, just like training an angry dog who must be taught not to snap or it's the vet's for him. And most of all to realise that of course he's not a bad son. The horrid old man just blurts out rudeness because that's all he knows how to do, but that does not make any of it true.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"Last night DP received another hateful, poisonous email accusing him of being a bad son....."

Start here perhaps. Write back as briefly and unambiguously as you can manage that the e-mail is offensive, unacceptable, you demand an apology and there will be no further contact until you get it. Then follow through. No contact until apology received.

Your DP's father has far more to lose than your DP does. Your DP is in a position of power, therefore. Once he realises that and stops allowing himself to be mistreated, he will cope far better.

[BunnyLebowski]

I like your idea about the email Cogito

To clarify. It was FIL who re-initiated the contact. Because he read a story about a man dying in an accident in our huge city and assumed it was DP .

Also he claimed that he'd been sending money and cards to DD to our old address because he wasn't aware we'd moved. The man had been at our new house for Xmas friggin dinner and had sent post.

Anyway, since getting back in touch DP has had the upper hand. When FIL has shown even the first sign of starting to needle, DP would tell him to stop, that he wasn't going to listen to it.

So its gone from that to him going apoplectic.

I've had my original thread moved to Relationships. Here Sorry for the duplicate posts. Made a bit of a balls of it.

Thanks for the advice.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Then your DP is playing it with a totally straight bat and my regard for him has gone up considerably :) Dad has obviously realised he blew it last time - the 'dead man' thing being a very thin excuse to get back in touch. Once he discovers that apoplectic gets him the square root of fuck-all by way of reaction he'll either have to back down or bow out. Problem solved, even if it's a little upsetting short-term. Hold your nerve... good luck