Upset

[Nigellacakes]

DH out with work drinks, which he doesn't do very often. Got a txt at 3am saying he is drunk and staying on the couch of a female colleague. I fell asleep waiting for him and woke up almost having a heart attack when he wasn't home at 4am. Haven't spoken to him as am so angry. The colleague has been known to have affairs with married men she works with. I know it's a one off. I have no one in RL to speak to am SAHM to 3 under 3. But I feel a bit sick in my stomach thinking about facing him in case something happen. Not that it is something he would do as far as I have known in our 10 years together. Talk sense to me please.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Not surprised you feel sick... he's acted like a complete arse whether he screwed this woman or not.

A grown man getting that pissed at a work do for a start is not good. Choosing to stay out overnight rather than get a cab home is a crappy decision that requires an explanation. Choosing to stay at the home of a female colleague who has a reputation for shagging around is utterly bloody stupid and requires an even bigger explanation..

Do not hold back on any of this because he's made a really good job of shattering your trust. Responsible adults with families should be able to go out for a few drinks and get home in one piece. If it turns out something happened, take a very hard line.

[Nigellacakes]

Thanks cogito. I feel so angry and upset about this I was worried I was losing perspective. I can't do it over the phone with the kids. I'll wait til he gets home.
The thought of something happening with this colleague is making my head spin.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

It's a pretty big catalogue of faults, even if you take the female colleague out of the equation. FWIW It shows such a complete ignorance for your feelings that it would be even half-way OK to cheerily text your wife at 3am that you're sleeping at another woman's house ... that I don't actually think anything happened. Any man wanting to cover up that he was getting his legover would have probably told you he was anywhere other than with a woman.

Nevertheless, that doesn't excuse the rest of the behaviour. Disrespectful, inconsiderate, irresponsible, immature ..... Let rip.

[izzyizin]

Too drunk to call a cab but not too drunk at 3am to send a coherent text from the 'home of a female colleague who has a reputation for shagging around'?

He's got a lot of explaining to do - don't make it easy for him.

[Nigellacakes]

Thanks ladies.
You know I read the message in a panic initially relieved he wasn't dead in a ditch. Then it dawned on me who the colleague was and then I felt ill. I am at my mum's now and I can't tell her as it will shatter the perfect SIL illusion- And don't want to upset or worry her. So I won't be able to talk til later in the evening. Let rip is an understatement, he's on the couch again tonight.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Presumably you don't go out, get drunk stay out overnight and not be too fussy where you end up staying so one-off or not, no I don't think you've lost perspective.

If he goes out midweek and gets drunk he should at least be in a fit enough state to call a taxi and get home. Big night out, was it? And how come his female colleague was the only one offering a couch? Sorry but I think he's got serious explaining to do. Pick up some nice big black bags on your way home from your mum's.

Don't fuss round him when he gets in or give him teary reproachful looks, ask him what went on and what he was playing at.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

And tell your mum. A problem shared is a problem halved. Why protect his reputation from others? Why are you his PR department?

[Nigellacakes]

I know I should tell her but my sister is coming by later and I'll try and talk to her.
Thank you all so much for taking the time to post. I just need to get through the day with teething twins and a toddler....

[izzyizin]

I'm going to against the grain and say confide in a good pal by all means, but don't tell your mum or other relatives until you've heard what he's got to say for himself.

[squeakytoy]

I agree with Izzy.. for all you know she may have had her own partner or bf upstairs in her own bed with her.

If you jump to conclusions and tell family, they will remember this long after you and your husband have forgotten all about it.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Just tell your family that he got pissed and didn't come home.... that's bad enough.

[forgetmenots]

I would be absolutely livid. Cold as ice livid.

As someone mentioned, if he was able to text you he was able to call a cab. I don't think he did anything either but what an arse. Do not let this go, it's totally out of order and ignorant.

[Nigellacakes]

To make matters work the female colleague is good friends with an ex colleague and (not that close) friend of mine. Which means this woman is obviously going to tell our joint friend - who I am sure will be discrete but just isn't the kind of person I would want knowing this.
That should be the least of my worries I know. I'm not leaving for home til later and I'm already exhausted before the show down.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Have a ... it'll help you feel less exhausted and more combative :)

[FermezLaBouche]

Oh God I have utmost sympathy for you. I know the awful feeling of dread in your stomach. I would be really, really furious and upset and (from experience) I know it sounds an over-reaction but I wouldn't be able to forget it. Or believe him when he whined how he was "only on the sofa, nothing happened."

As forgetmenots said, if he was able to text you, he was able to get a cab. And don't accept any moans about "expensive cabs." If he's got the cash to get ridiculously pissed, he's got enough for a cab home.