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No affection, no sex, six mths pregnant - lost and upset

(56 Posts)
EggsandBacon Mon 26-Nov-12 14:10:23

Hi,
I don't know where else to go as I'm too embarrassed to discuss this with anyone in real life. I'm six mths pregnant with my second DC, been with my DH for eight years, and he is no longer showing me any affection or having sex. I feel completely rejected and humiliated in my attempts to get close to him.

Background is - he is quite an emotionally closed off person, but very kind underneath, just struggles to express himself. Before DC1 we would regularly have sex, his libido is greater than mine so often initiated by him, but I would always make an effort also. Since DC1 it has not been as regular as it is hard to get time together (we both work full time, and DC1 is a bad sleeper, so only time is really at bedtime). Now I am pregnant and have put on a lot of weight, I'm not sure if this is the problem or something else...

It has been a month since we last had sex, and that wasn't that successful. Since then I have kept trying to initiate it when we go to bed - cuddling up to him, etc. He just lies there, doesn't respond to me at all when I do it. Sometimes he has just mentioned being tired, and I've taken that as him saying 'not interested tonight'. This weekend I was desperate to initiate some sort of physical contact, as he doesn't even cuddle me or touch me. So each night I was trying to cuddle up to him. He gets into bed and immediately wraps the duvet round himself so it is hard for me to get close. Friday = 'tired'. Saturday I managed to get him a bit aroused I think but then he turned over and said he was tired and wanted to sleep. I cried quietly so he wouldn't know I was upset. Last night I gave him a hand job, he just lay there the whole time - yawning sometimes I think to tell me he wasn't interested, or maybe he was just lying back and enjoying it? He didn't say anything afterwards, just went to the bathroom and then got back into bed and turn onto his side away from me. I felt so humiliated, like it was really seedy or something.

I've asked him indirectly if anything is wrong, he just says no, it is hard to get him to even say that one word. He is fine talking if it is just about DC1, but I can't even get him to chat about anything else. I don't know what has happened for it to get like this, and now I'm scared I don't know how to turn it around (and I'm only going to get bigger and fatter and have less time and be more tired). I realise the only way to work it out is to have a conversation with him, but I can't seem to get him talking (although I've only been very indirect). Don't know if I should just leave it and hope for the best, but it feels like the longer this goes on the worse it will get.

So embarrassed. Please say nice things as I can't check this at home and I don't want to cry at work!! Pretending I've got something in my eye at the moment.

Its not a great thing in itself, but how difficult is it to say; "Blimey I'm knackered, but keep going" or a "let's leave it tonight darling, I'm not into it,"?

The fact he does nothing to reassure her suggests he doesn't care. Getall, what do you suggest it means?

Op, I hope you have managed to tell him how he is making you feel and have seen some change. Xx

Charbon Wed 28-Nov-12 13:53:09

I'm sorry that happened to you Getall. WRT your own situation, if it's become an established relationship habit that difficult conversations are off-limits, it's not unusual for either party to cast outside the relationship but the permissions given will be different, depending on whether it is the 'talker' or the 'avoider'. Part of the 'talker's' self-justification at keeping a secret about being attracted to someone else is that their partner wouldn't want to talk about it, so there's no point - and there is sometimes a punitive angle when the 'talker' has an affair. In a general sense though, it's not unusual for people who have given up on trying to change their relationship and their partner, to have an affair. However, there are evidently avoidant personality traits in someone who chooses this route to exit a relationship, rather than a dignified ending.

The motives for 'avoiders' are often different. People who find talking to anyone about their feelings (even to close friends) are sometimes knocked sideways when they meet someone who either brings this out in them, or the infatuation gives the illusion of depth of feeling and being able to share it. In a new relationship, people are on their best behaviour and they tend to listen actively to one another and ask questions. At this point there is often an unfair contrast made with a partner who has given up trying to get blood from a stone and restricts conversations to the superficial. Because this person doesn't talk to friends about feelings (let alone a partner) they have no external 'reality check' from friends or family about any damage that is being caused by their affair. Some 'avoiders' drift into unwise affairs because they find it impossible to say 'no' and even if they want out of the affair, they can't extricate themselves cleanly and so the stress they feel about being out of control, gets acted out at home.

It's especially problematic in relationships if there are two 'avoiders' although often one of them didn't start out that way and it became a learned behaviour. The OP for example, bravely acknowledges that not being able to talk to her husband is ridiculous. I'd be interested Eggs if you were always this reticent or whether you've adapted your behaviour because of your husband's personality.

ItsRainingOutside Wed 28-Nov-12 14:29:31

Really feel for you. My ex-P was like this as soon as he found out I was pregnant with DD. It went on for 2 years with no reasonable explanation other than at the time he didn't want to hurt the baby. I know that the lack of emotional connection is a worse feeling than lack of sex itself. Speak to him on the basis he can't hurt your feelings by telling you the truth any more than he is at the minute by telling you nothing.

butterfingerz Wed 28-Nov-12 15:19:23

I'm torn on this one. I do accept that some men find pregnancy difficult, sex-wise. He may be embarassed of how he feels and doesn't want to say anything to hurt op.

Men do have lower testosterone whilst their partner is expecting and the newborn period, I think as a protective mechanism (lower aggression), so maybe lack of male hormones has dampened his arousal. He may not be aware of this sciencey fact so maybe he feels it's something wrong with him and has gone into defensive mode?

In an ideal world, it would be great for him to explain exactly how he feels. Maybe just give him his space and see if things improve after the birth?

Agentleman Mon 10-Dec-12 17:00:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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