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DH just threatened to smack DD (7) in the face

(135 Posts)
Orkling Thu 22-Nov-12 08:54:52

DH and I have 3 DC (2,4 & 7). DH is usually a great Dad but he does have a short fuse in that he will lose his temper and shout easily, he has never hit any of our DC. I am a bit calmer although I will give a smack on the bum occasionally, although not hard.

This morning DH was in a rush and foul mood (as he has been for ages) he asked DD to put her coat on, she asked where it was, he said right in front of you, open your eyes, she said they are open. He then told her not to be so fucking cheeky or he would smack her in the face!!!!! I am FURIOUS....

His foul moods have been affecting everyone, sometimes he is great but more often than not he is just moody and grumpy. I know I am not perfect and I do have mood swings but I think this is more to do with living with him.

YummyHoney Mon 26-Nov-12 11:25:32

Absolutely! There are countless women who spend hours on MN instead of looking after their DC - which is why such a lot of them are asking for advice about sick children.

Pocketmonster Sat 24-Nov-12 16:37:33

That's right Yummy - because using Mumsnet means you can't be a hands on parent. hmm

Jeez.

YummyHoney Fri 23-Nov-12 19:56:55

I think you should get off MN and be a hands-on parent.

catstail Fri 23-Nov-12 19:52:32

brandy, of course a threat and a deed are not the same, my post is clearly in response to all the posters clamouring that it doesn't matter where a child is hit because it's all the same

olgaga Fri 23-Nov-12 19:48:01

I think you've had a hard time on here OP. Your husband sounds rather jealous of your little girl, and his attitude - this being annoyed at you and her, feeling that he's being taken for granted - is worryingly childish of him.

I think you both need to find a parenting class. Try your local authority website, or local SureStart/HomeStart.

InNeedOfBrandy Fri 23-Nov-12 19:39:01

I don't see how anyone could be so OBTUSE to see an actual smack is different then a threat. And you cannot smack your dc bum in anger/fustration that is illegal, it's not just as simple as you can or can't.

catstail Fri 23-Nov-12 19:36:07

OP, I dont know what is wrong with people on this thread today, apart from ANYTHING ELSE, smacking your kids on the bum is perfectly legal in England whereas smacking the face is a CRIME.

I'm not sure why anyone would be so obtuse as to not see the difference frankly

InNeedOfBrandy Fri 23-Nov-12 16:06:24

Please find some sort of parenting class. Naughty step IMO isn't effective but consequences of actions are. Even if you bought a book like how to talk so kids will listen www.amazon.co.uk/Talk-Kids-Will-Listen-Child/dp/1853407054/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1353686496&sr=8-1
and work through the book would benefit and it's a very relaxed sort of approach but lots and lots of common sense.

Orkling Fri 23-Nov-12 12:25:30

I think relate or some kind of counseling would be a way forward, either on his own or us as a couple. He is really against it but at a push may come along...

AlphaBeta82 Fri 23-Nov-12 10:55:59

Unfortunately by being ok with one sort of smacking makes it difficult as others have said to draw a line a bit further down the continuum. Personally violence of any sort against a child is as far as I am concerned not a good form of punishment or supporting their development.
I have to say DH swearing or threatening my child in that manner would be a deal breaker for me.
I don't think you are unreasonable to be annoyed at all, but I think may be you both need to sit down and discuss boundaries over what you think is right and worng for your children.

TisILeclerc Fri 23-Nov-12 10:42:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mummytime Fri 23-Nov-12 10:40:31

Are there any parenting classes you can both access?
Is he harder on you DD than his own children?

To be honest I don't think being sent to their room for an hour is a suitable punishment for a 7 year old. I also believe you need to discuss what is the purpose of punishment? Is it to teach a child not to do something? Or is it to make the child upset and publicly pay for their "crime"?

Orkling Fri 23-Nov-12 10:29:26

We've sat down and really talked. I said I wasn't prepared to carry on with his moodiness. He said he has been moody as he feels I have been taking him for granted and snapping at him constantly, he is also under a huge amount of pressure at work.
He says his main problem is that we can't agree on disciplining DD, he feels that I am too soft on her and allow her to get away with too much and am inconsistent. He thinks a firmer approach (not smacking, he has never smacked) is needed and if she misbehaves she shouldn't just be sent to the naughty step for 7 minutes then all is forgotten about, she needs to really know that she has misbehaved so that she won't do it again, i.e. sent to her room for an hour or have a treat taken away.

He says I forget too easily, whereas he can't do that. I was brought up in a fairly relaxed house (although I was occasionally smacked), he was brought up by a very authoritarian father but was never smacked.

I don't think her behaviour is that bad, he does, and he also feels that as he isn't her biological father that it makes it all the more complicated... stalemate.

SminkoPinko Fri 23-Nov-12 00:54:52

nocakeformeplease said the same thing as me in 2 sentences!

I was smacked on the bum and in the face when I was a child. To me at the time there wasn't a huge difference.

SminkoPinko Fri 23-Nov-12 00:48:09

I was not justifying smacking by comparing it to other forms of "abusive parenting". I am not in favour of smacking. I do not smack my children. I would like the law to be changed so that children have the right not to be hit under any circumstances just like other people. But I do not think a blanket condemnation of smacking as if there are no gradations is a helpful response on this thread. And I do think there is a spectrum of "abusive parenting" which we are all on at times since none of us are perfect and Orklings smacks sound like they are at the milder end. Along with my occasional roars of rage at my children and laxness at making my teenagers do their homework, my partner's occasional over-protectiveness of his daughter and over-exasperation at his sons, my friend's occasional over-high expectations of her 2 year old's behaviour and perplexity at said 2 year old's failure to comply with her commands and frustrated decision to smack occasionally to enhance compliance which fails utterly and my other friend's over-indulgence of her teenage son and willingness to believe that the sun shines out of his behind (which has never been smacked) even when it is clear that he has been behaving v badly as all kids do now and then according to their wont. All of these are not ideal and all of these are born out of stress and family personalities and dynamics and imperfect understanding of child development etc etc etc and all the children involved have warm loving parents and hopefully they will emerge largely unscathed from all the mistakes we make because they are in homes high in emotional warmth (I hope and believe). I think Orkling is right to hear alarm bells when anger and scariness is coming to the fore from her partner. I think all this analysis of the evil of her smacking is a total red herring. She is right to be worried about her partner's behaviour towards her little girl as that is a potentially a big slide along the abusive parenting spectrum, right away from good enough.

RyleDup Fri 23-Nov-12 00:25:46

Oh yeah, me too itsallinmyhead. grin Not this though.

nocakeformeplease Fri 23-Nov-12 00:23:50

I am not justifying smacking. Read my original post, I don't smack myself. But what I think is silly is claiming that there is no difference between a tap on the bum (over clothes) and smacking someone round the head.

itsallinmyhead Fri 23-Nov-12 00:20:32

Ryledup no worries, I see my sarcasm was a little on the heavy side.

Lots of things I need to get a grip on, all the same grin

itsallinmyhead Fri 23-Nov-12 00:13:26

I most probably do need to get a grip in a lot of ways.

But this OP is not doing anything wrong.

If you feel strongly about no smacking, whoop de whoop but you do not have the right to even suggest that someone change their discipline choices!

This is not a case of abuse no matter how much you bloody google it. The woman occasionally smacks her DD to discipline her...that is her choice & obviously something she believes works for her.

So whether or not it's something you or I would do, it's none of our business to suggest any other form of discipline unless we knew this op in rl & suspected abuse, rather than discipline.

Must be a grand thing to be bloody perfect.

InNeedOfBrandy Fri 23-Nov-12 00:00:53

Oh I read that totally wrong then blush

InNeedOfBrandy Fri 23-Nov-12 00:00:17

the IMO wasn't missing, it was another form of abusive parenting being added on to justify the smacking that was silly. It doesn't really matter whether you agree with me or not, smacking will be completely illegal in 10 years max I'd put money on it. the UK is one of 5 EU countries where this inhumane act is still legal. The EU courts and all the NSPC type charitys are pressuring the gov more and more to ban this.

and yes itsallinmyhead you really need to get a grip.

RyleDup Thu 22-Nov-12 23:59:18

Sorry itsallinmyhead. i've misread your post. Sorry sorry sorry.

< takes back grip and hits self over rhe head with it>

RyleDup Thu 22-Nov-12 23:56:04

itsallinmyhead heres a grip. Take it and hold on tightly. You clearly need it.

nocakeformeplease Thu 22-Nov-12 23:44:32

Of course we can inneed. I cant recall any post suggesting that smacking on its own is a good form of discipline.

Im so sorry, I missed out the IMO when I copied the quote. Although clearly no one is allowed to hold an opinion unless it agrees with yours.

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